Doo?

Proving

2012-01-30T07:27:00.004+08:00

I know I've been cold towards you. I don't know how you feel about that. But I guess somewhere deep inside, I hope it's driving you mad. I don't know if I'm trying to prove to you or to myself that I do not need you. Yeapp, you heard me. I can take care of myself. Well, I'm proving it now. Waiting is no longer what you can hold over me cause 15 mins is the max dearie. It's the max.

The new boy

2012-01-28T19:10:00.004+08:00

I don't know you well enough. But you are mature and immature the right ways. You are stable. You've got the brains and status. You are someone I know I can compete with. You can allow yourself to let me win when I want it, just to make me happy. I flirt and you flirt back. Aestheticwise, you're not too bad. I may be attracted, I've got to admit. Very eligible. But are you the full package?? I need to know you better first. I've got my eye on you and maybe you've got your eye on me. Touchy touchy. We're touchy towards each other though I've only seen you 4 times and spoke 3 times of the 4. You allow me to be physically close without giving me permission. I do the same. We try to keep our distances though. I know I do. But don't worry. I want to know you better and we'll see how it goes from there

Trusting you once more

2012-01-18T23:27:00.001+08:00

I don't understand how this work. I'm confused and a tat bit scared. Anxious is an understatement. But just for you, I'll go with the flow. Please don't hurt me like the heels I wore today.

Still I got to admit, I was, at the very least, pleased.

Rolling my eyeys

2012-01-18T07:13:00.002+08:00

I was exaggerating you dumbass. And through the time frame you shouldve known when I wrote it. It's ironic how I push you a way, further from me when I already felt so invisible with you. No, I feel like an obstruction. Maybe this is a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt again. Thinking back gives me shudders. Even more ironic is the fact that this method was derived or inspired by you. I remembered us patching back after our fight yesterday. And then when I checked my phone, I realized that it was just a dream of mine.

再见会不会再见？

2012-01-17T20:50:00.001+08:00

感觉不到你与我的友情了。当我的面与别人通电话说没人了。未免也太残酷了吧。算了，就让你走你的，我走我的。如果侥幸遇见了，就勉强吭出一声：＂你好！＂若得走一样的路，你就走在前方吧。让我能在后面默默地想念着昨日的美好，表面上却假装着不认识。再见了。

My path

2012-01-06T22:36:00.000+08:00

My path
Move aside and get out of my way.
I don't need you guys to destroy my day.
This is my life. I make the decisions.
Stop experimenting on me; stop making incisions.
You have the best in mind, but that ain't an action plan.
I know what I want; I do what I like with my own feet and hands.
Yes, you gave them to me. I'm grateful to you.
But a gift, once given, can't be returned. You know the rule.
So stop interfering. You ain't know nothing.
My mind is a secret. You're not allowed near it.
Maybe one day you'll learn what ears are for.
You've spoken so much while my words you ignore.
I am still vibrant. I want to see the world.
I'm not an old lady or still a five year old girl.
You've got to understand that I have been trying.
So stop budging in and leaving my crying.
These tears just make me stronger and I'll show you I can live.
I have my own list of chores I promise to finish before I leave.
Patience is a virtue. All I'm asking is for you to wait.
When I come back here, believe me, soaring is what you shall spectate!

朋友

2012-01-03T03:23:00.003+08:00

不知道为什么今夜特别多感情，可能是洗澡吧、我通常洗澡都会想些无聊事。说出来还蛮不好意思的、希望我在下面想说说的那些人看了不会飞上天。

吴巧琳。想想看、若是四年前的我，不可能会想象出我们会有这么深刻的友情。在中二那短时期，我们虽然坐的位置很接近彼此，但两个人搜说不出几句话。到现在，我只记得她曾经说过的一句话：＂我把你养得这么大，你还.......＂。她这句话还说不完就开始大笑了。因该是从中三建立感情吧。我们虽然很不同但这搭配还蛮好的。＂一个像夏天，一个像秋天＂很恰当！家伟。这个人，我连何时认识他也不知道，只记得他以前一直买零食给我吃（害得我现在变得这么胖）。可能就是从哪儿开始变得越来越近的吧。谁知道今天会是我其中一个知己。

好了好了，我也累了。改次再继续写吧。已经很晚了，先睡吧。

李佳玲留笔

uhh to waiting for photos to upload

2011-12-31T00:43:00.002+08:00

been going out so much that imma lazy to upload all the photos. tmr will be the last day of 2011. cant believe the year just went past rather quickly, though i feel that this hols seem to be forever. cheers to a wonderful year ahead. imma sleepy now so.... nights everyone!

bored...

2011-12-23T10:32:00.002+08:00

omg. the past few days have been going out EVERYDAY!!! i think i spent more time out then at home. going out later again with Jarin and gang. we're meeting at clementi at 1.30pm so now i have nothing to do. boredddddddddd. i was thinking maybe i'd write another poem. but what inspiration? uhhh. i guess i post one up when i think of it.

期待

2011-12-21T01:58:00.003+08:00

还是跟女孩子说话比较容易、比较坦白。我决定要当个女强人、没必要依赖任何人。但这不代表我要当个保母。这，我很确定。我要一个可以依靠的男人。但这也不代表我一定得赖着他。时日还早，慢慢来吧。我有个感觉，他已经默默地等着我的出现。就让我现在耐心地期待。

Police

2011-12-18T00:21:00.003+08:00

Just got stopped by the police. Took our particulars. Suay TTM.

Thailand 2011

2011-12-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

Thailand diary

13 dec:
Setting off to Thailand. Packing of bags is so troublesome. Met jar jar at lot 1 and she helped me pick out shorts that I desperately need for the trip. Then, she gave me my bday prezzie!! Awesome shoes. Shall bring them to Thailand.

14 dec:
Touched down at 12+am. About 2.5 hours flight. Thailand is 1 hour later than Singapore so according to Thailand, I touched down at 11+ pm on the 13th instead. I just gained an extra hour of birthday? Hahaha. I found out that my facial wash has leaked though... Grrrr have to ration it throughout the next few days. Hope it can last!

Woke up from a good sleep since the airplane journey was a pain in the back. IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!! Received loads of wishes from friends thank you all. Too bad I can't reply... :( shall do so when I reached Singapore.

My birthday was spent mostly with animals. I witness people kissing cobras, I saw monkeys dunking bballs and I rode an elephant for an entire hour! I saw a gigantic spider larger than the size of my palm and its web was twice the size of my head. And to be clear, i ain't no small headed person! After that, I visited the long neck tribe and even enjoyed an authentic Thai massage! Awesome... Just hours ago, I went to the night market to get some souvenirs for my dear friends. Can't wait to go again tmr. Bargaining is fun! Auntie even bought a cake to share with uncle(his birthday is tmr). Ok, Need to wake up at 5.30am Thai time tmr, so nights for now!

15 dec:
If there was ever a day to be sleepy, it would be today. Slept really late cause I still had to wait for my hair to dry. Woke up early in the morning as a panda and ate a huge breakfast. It's uncle's birthday today so we were going to eat the cake today.

In the morning we went to the hot spring but it was too hot for me to even dip my feet in for anything more than 5 seconds. But the geyser was awesome! It shot up around 5, 6 stories high? Magnificent.

We had lunch at the Thailand, Laos, Myanmar and China border along the Mekong river. Maybe somewhere my sis is also looking at the same river. We were so near The border, my brother even had China reception! Hahaha And the food is SPICY!! Some of my friends thought that I would learn to eat spicy food after going to Thailand. Well, now I can say with utmost certainty that I rekindled my HATRED for spicy food!! My entire mouth, tongue and lips were on fire by the first bite. And trust me, there ain't a second bite. So lunch was little. I'll just take it as saving space for the cake! :)

Cake was scrumptious! Afterwards, we went to the golden triangle where you can see 3 countries at one single location. I bought more souvenirs cause well I love my friends (and shopping). Went to the Myanmar border where we were literally one gate away from Myanmar. Loads of shops; bought nothing:( but it's ok since we were heading back for dinner then the night market again!

It is a super super long way back and I guess I slept so much throughout the day that I couldn't sleep anymore and the song "insomnia" was playing over and over in my head. Wonder If I would ever get the chance to dance that again... I miss being part of orientations.

I told myself the dinner better be worth all this pain since I was getting nauseous from the long van ride. And it was. It was good, too good and too much for me and my little stomach. The tour guide even gave me a birthday present! He is so nice :) I also managed to witness LADYBOYS! Omg, they are SEXY TTM! They make pretty girls inferior man.

16 dec:
Today's the last full day in Thailand. We went to the temple that required 325 steps to reach. We also went to visit some tribe in the mountains and to see the royal orchid park thing. There were sooooo many orchids- some larger than the palm of my hand; some the size of "."!

Then, we went to the supermarket for the purpose of buying a tube of toothpaste. But we ended up buying other tibits. By we I meant auntie and her family. My family bought nothing. But things went fine until dinner when my stomach starts to hurt like mad... Urgh... On top of that, I was shaking real bad. Agnes does not like pain.

Vomited in the hotel. I swear I just lost 2 kgs today. Yay...

17 dec:
Last day in Chiangmai. I think today I probably experienced the most efficient sightseeing ever! Went to the umbrella factory, jewelry factory, silk factory, bird nest place, the local market and visited the Mandarin oriental hotel. Omg, the hotel, could charge 4K sing dollars per night! It's uber big. They even grow their own vegetables. We bought quite a lot of food and headed to the airport.

Omg again. I just couldn't believe my luck. I saw 2 NJC chemistry teachers sitting on the seats right in front of me on the plane! Aka, sitting beside my papa. Brrr... Scary. Hahas. Can't wait to touch down and see my friends and family. Let me think of the message I should type once I receive reception:

Hey kids, mama's back!! :)

亲爱的朋友

2011-12-13T00:23:00.002+08:00

亲爱的朋友，你的烦恼我很乐意去听。你的哭诉我很愿意聆听。你心想的，我知道。你所感觉的困扰，我明白。你因为有太多选择而不知该如何是好。选选自己吧，不必想太多。你也要坚定，别冲动，让事情顺其自然。所谓：船到桥头自然直。不须担心，你会渡过这一段时期的。

Wishing upon a partial lunar/solar eclipse

2011-12-11T02:12:00.003+08:00

Closer. Good to know, wonderful to feel, awesome to be. :) cheers to that! Now I just want to go to bed and wish that by the time I wake up, all the application stuff magically finishes themselves. Adieu!!

Why I no go out with girls?

2011-12-10T01:06:00.005+08:00

Oops you caught me. :X but anyway, today was at first kinda boring until my uncle came to visit and brought me out to lunch. Yummy yummy lunch. Hahas. He told me a lot of the good trait my daddy embodies which I've never even thought to look out for. I see admiration in his eyes and awe in mine. I also realized that we shared a lot in common, especially when it comes to music. Eye opener indeed! Hahas, but after he bailed, I was left stranded at lot1 without anything to do or anywhere to go. So I ended up home; after the all important purchasing of gong cha.

After laying for a significant amount of time, I decided to move my ass to Bryan's to relieve the boredom I attempted to subdue with lame jokes on my iPhone. We played guitar hero and band hero (whatever the difference). And I TOTALLY (was) KICKED (in the) BUTT!!! Heehee. Okok but then, fun as it may be, I still rather the conversation I had with nic whilst on the way home best. I finally know how the argument originated and I guess it, in some way, gave me closure. I'm glad we're still great friends. And maybe, just maybe, some walls will start to crumble.

Dear heart, say "ah"

2011-12-08T00:40:00.005+08:00

I used to think that you were never going to open up. that you were some distant entity that i could not comprehend, or have the chance to do so. i always felt a barrier, self-made, to protect myself from the repetition of past occurrences. but today you did and i felt a connection; not in the love sense. it was comforting. in return, i told you some of what i could share but i still held back on some though i would have loved a listening ear.

you really opened my eyes today and brought me into another zone that i've never thought to think about. on the receiving end, i've never even thought about the amount of effort, time, thoughts and emotions the other party has to invest into this. for self-protection, i've never initiated. i see things i like in different people but i dont see a particular person i could potentially love. the wait seems too long and at times, annoying. but the pain of the wait, i've learnt, is a good exchange for the pain of forcing a relation, the pain of the breakup and the pain of the feeling of being single again. its easier to be single after being single for so long. you will feel withdrawal symptoms after a breakup.

i also saw what our minds are thinking of now. i no longer give myself excuses though i still use them to brush away the questions of others. im envious of others while others are envious of me. but i dont feel inferior. and you dont see how i see the rest; how i see myself; and how i see you...

The escaped puppet and the entrapped rat

I stare into the window and saw you,
little lab rat. You were in a little cage,
eating your food with your little hands.
You had no concern for the rest of the world;
you probably have never seen the world.
Cherish your ignorance and you’d probably
be famous like I was. My strings gave me rope
burns as the audience cheered whenever I
bowed unwillingly. Now I am just a runaway
puppet, wishing to be controlled once again.
Do not cut off your strings ever.
Decisions are hard and independence is not
worth what you experience in the outside world.

I see you staring at me through the window
and I am envious. Your strings were cut
and you could roam free by yourself.
You could choose to do anything in the world;
you probably could do everything in the world.
Cherish your freedom and you’d probably
never be manipulated like me. I’m fed good
food as the scientists cheered whenever I
succeeded unknowingly. Now I am just a trapped
pet, wishing to be free once again.
Peel open that sunflower seed and reveal the grain.
Compliance is hard and dependence is not
worth what you endure in confinement.

Eating

2011-11-29T20:59:00.007+08:00

Eating

Your spit coated my face
just the way I like it.
Closing my eyes, I savor every moment.
A smirk. “Darling, I know what you ate for breakfast.”
Our traditional snake dance.
Slobber. More slobber. I love it.
There’s no awkwardness between us,
only heat from friction between our breaths
and heat from the frictionless relationship we share.
“You take my breath away, Honey.”
Our cooperation is seamless-
you follow my lead and I… “Dearie, more tongue.”
I love the taste of your lip gloss.
Strawberry is the sexiest chemical ever made-
a genius’s work that keeps me going and going and going.
and your perfume, your pheromone, my addiction.

I open my eyes to capture this magical frame:
the old man with the disapproving eyes;
the married couple with their green eyes;
and the children whose eyes were prohibited from such a sight.
That’s right. You are going to be traumatized tonight
and the next day and the next. This is the worst horror movie
you’ve ever seen. That’s right. It shall consume
you like how she consumes me whole.

Inspired by my friends, Han Jun and Jeanette

You cant get your pigtails back

2011-11-22T17:33:00.001+08:00

havent blogged for a long time. shall start off with this:

You cant get your pigtails back

The pigtails strutted across the hall alone.
A walking temptation.
She faced sneers from other girls,

putting her down. She felt inferior.
Yet, she fought the pressure with tears in her eyes
until she caved in one day and

the sneers stopped.
She bled and teared on the bed where
the boy, paid for his service, lay.

She lost her pigtails in the mess.
She strutted down the hall
with the other girls.

As she sneered at other pigtails,
she could sense them sneering back,
putting her down. She was superior but inferior.

With tears in her eyes,
she knew her innocence was gone forever
once the other girls penetrated her life.

facebook deactivation

2011-10-21T23:21:00.000+08:00

i deactivated facebook. and so the mugging starts; profusely

Toy

2011-10-19T23:23:00.003+08:00

Toy

I know I said no before,

it is still a no now.

I look at you, I don't adore

but confused about what why how.

You said you are good for me,

that I do not deny.

But I just cant seem to say yes, you see,

unless I'm sure you're the right guy.

This is against the feelings inside

but I'm conscious I'm flirting back.

I know the same feelings, you're trying to hide.

Self-control, evident, is what I lack.

I still don't feel the way you do,

maybe love for a little brother.

You're pretending you feel this too

when its obvious I'm no sister.

But let's continue this pretence.

It's much more amusing than I thought.

Yea, it's against all common sense

but it makes us both happy, does it not?

Okay, may be it's only me

cause it's flattering and a hell lot of fun.

And if you think its too high a fee,

I suggest you'd better run.

Friendly dedication

2011-10-14T23:03:00.005+08:00

today had our graduation day. so im gonna write a few heartfelt words to my friends here. :)

Nandini

Oh woman, where do I start? You’re like my Catherine- always haunting, always everywhere, always screaming when we talk, and always doing some wave with your hands every time we sit on the bus. I know sometimes I don’t show you as much affection as Heathcliff or the bunch of Indian gang boys or the presumed rapist in Bishan, but you know I love you darling. You drive me insane mentally and exhaust me physically. Yet, you were always a willing outlet for emotions. I never seem to want to portray my emotions before, so be proud you’ve impacted me. Hahas. Hope we stay friends for a long long time because I won’t be satisfied till I get to witness you curbing your chilli addiction.

Wee Boon

Hey dearie. Do you know you are one phenomenal friend? You were always there when I needed you. You’d listen to all my sappy stories. You encourage when necessary and bitch with me unnecessarily. You willingly put yourself forth so that I can vent my anger. You feel my happiness and congratulate me. But mostly, you’d spend time logging in and out of facebook to help me gain weird stuff for country story. Hahas dearie, you’re wonderful. I miss our morning chats when we would converse about the well being of our crops and other random stuff, which are so random that I can’t remember them. I know we’ll always continue to keep in touch and I feel comfort in that fact. Hahas. Cheers to that! Stay awesome!

Mikhail

Hi Mikhail! Two words- onion rings! Hahas. My stomach and I will forever remember that; the way you made us starve, you evil evil little boy. Hahas. You were one hell of an emotional ride my dear boy, but I am nonetheless happy to have known you. Apart from malnutrition, I will always remember you and the Wednesdays when we talked about anything and everything that would make you much more than a little uncomfortable. You’re easy to talk to and a great person to go to if one needs to calm down. Got to say thanks for the amazing JC experience I’ve had. Gracias amigo!

Charity

You owe me money girl. You owe me loads and loads of money. Every time I donate money, I thought it was going for a good cause. Yet, find out now that they were all being transferred to your account! Hahas. Omg. Your jamming session in the choir store was uber fun fun fun fun. And that collaborating concert of ours is sooooo on, provided that you don’t give up half-ways because I suck too much. All the best in your pursue in music. (Jordy and) I give you (our) my full support!! *raise eyebrows* Hope to see you name in the papers soon and hope that by then, we’ll still be as close so that I could give the Mrs. Wuzun a phone call to congratulate her. Hahas. Stay groovy and remember to pay me back my money!

Ainiah

Guess a number I’m thinking of! Omg. I don’t know if you were lucky or unlucky hahas. But anyways, I’ll really miss you since school is now over. Ainiah darling, you’re my one and only true Girl Girl Relationship I have. It’s hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet, so don’t you dare lose me! Muahahahha. Lunch without you will never be the same again. Hahas. We have got to hang out again some other time after A’s girl. If you don’t I’ll break up with you! (I know I’ve said it many times, but I mean it this time)

Pallavi

Palls! You’re a terrific friend and I’ll miss you so much. Thanks you the listening ears and the occasional advice. You’ll make a great psychologist dearie. Thanks for empathizing always and explaining to me, time and again, about Indian traditions which I never seem to understand fully. Hahas. Remember to invite me to your wedding. And remember to prepare loads of yellow powder! I will be looking forward to that day. But till then, stay in touch and splendid all the time!

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

2011-10-11T21:40:00.002+08:00

its been so long since i teared. and when i thought drama is a thing of a past, it always comes back to haunt me. just too many things in me and too little channels for me to open up. im leaking and oozing out sadness and injustice cause there's just an excess of it.

i dont want to go to sch. its funny to say such a thing like when i have only 2 more days left, excluding graduation day. but, nj have been fucking distressing these few days.

i guess it all started with academics. or maybe not. but then. studies has always been a source of stress no matter what. i recently heard my friend say that i made him "feel like a loser". his words, not mine. saying that i make him feel worse when i complain about my "good" grades. so i guess i shant talk about acads here. but just you know, i aint feeling too good being a 'bully'.

and of course, my weight. i know i've always put on weight when ever im stressed. i used to be sooo skinny. i know exams have always caused me to get abit thicker, but i always compensate after exams by thinning down by 2-3Kg every time. but as i grow, i feel a rising importance in results and i get more stressed. aka, more fat. its not good to know that i've put on 10Kg in just 6 years. thats alot of weight to put on in such a small amount of time. so i aint feeling as confident about my size as you think i am. so back off bitches, i dont need you to make me thinner or feel that im an fat ass pig. back off.

the last thing happened in sch today. and i guess its kinda the last straw. actually, maybe not. reciting what happened today, at home, was the final straw. the freaking asshole DM caught me for my skirt. and mind you, my skirt IS long. it freaking reaches my knee. my bag lifted my skirt, its not like i intentionally want to show off my ass to the sch population you fking bitch. its not like i could tell me bag

"hey, dont lift my skirt".

oh and did you know? senior teaches aint that clever. she told me she wants to take a picture of my skirt cause i told her in the face that

"this is short? this is not short".

so i took out my phone and passed it to her. i even pressed the button for her. all she had to do was click the image that looked like a camera. she just stood there for so long before coming back and asking

"i dont know how to use you phone".

so i clicked it for her. she said

"stand there. wait"

and she took forever to come back with the phone again

"i dont know how to take the picture"

so she took it. and thats how i knew my skirt was lifted by my bag cause when she took it again without my bag, it was long. LONG. fucking asshole.

so i said i was sorry and asked her what i was supposed to do. i didnt alter my skirt so i cant do anything. she wanted me to lengthen it (which is the same as altering it, which is against the sch rules btw). so i said

"ms phua, im sorry but i dont know what to do"

and she fking said

"dont argue with me or i'll lower your conduct grade"

wtf lah. i apologise to you then you come and say i argue. wts.

and then 2 mins later she came back to me and said

"see, after so long, you still nvr apologise to me"

and i knew i did, so i said

"but i just did"

and she walked away.

i should just pon sch tmr. fking bitch.

at home, i couldnt even tell my mom my entire story. she doesnt even listens to everything before making any judgements. ok, im the kind of girl who doesnt pon sch, lessons or even lectures. have never been caught for breaking any sch rules and most of the time, the teachers' pet. in secondary sch, i could work perfectly fine with the DM. i mean, i can work with like reasonable people and she, was no where near reasonable. hence, to think that im so stressed up that i dont want to even go to sch, dont you feel the anguish im going through??? if you can, can you use like so telepathic sensory thing to signal my mum?

she wants me to go buy a new skirt. like wth? only 2days of sch left and you want me buy a new skirt so that she can see? i mean like why should I be the one who admits my mistake. i wasn't even rude to her. i was being reasonable but she hears nth but her voice. she is the one who caught me wrongly. but she wouldnt admit her mistake. fuck off man. just fuck off my life.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

Move away from me.

Don't ask, just do,

for all the bruises, self-inflicted,

were instigated by you.

Do not get down on your knees

and beg forgiveness once again

and please do not insult me to the floor

screaming and wailing in pain.

No one has to go through agony.

You can leave with your head high.

But, do not patronise me, praise or pretend

that you were truthful for all your lies.

Your word gripping tightly onto my key

as i spotted, in your eye, a tear.

The locksmith approaches, tools and all.

My eye; your eye, a mirror.

i thought it was not possible

but i'm already dead inside.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

"Fuck off my life"

Awry

2011-09-30T19:34:00.006+08:00

all results are finally out and i've updated my previous post on that. now, after such a long time, a poem. :)

Awry

I really miss your love

but you said that i was mean;

the bully, the tyrant of your life,

the worst you've ever seen.

I kicked you in the face

and rubbed sea salt on your wounds.

Not only extinguished the fire of your sun

but also destroyed your moon.

I sneered at my own happiness,

making your stomach churn

so you went off again and

I burned.

I looked at the space where you were gone

and wondered how things could've been so wrong.

final results!

2011-09-29T22:30:00.009+08:00

Finally, better grades!

BIOLOGY:.......................................CHEMISTRY:

Paper 1: 31/40..................................Paper 1: 20/40

Paper 2: 66/100................................Paper 2: 33/72 (Planning: 6/12)

Paper 3: 50/72 (Planning: 11/12)........Paper 3: 46/80

Overall: 69.8% A...............................Overall: 51.6% D

GP:.................................................MATHEMATICS:

Paper 1: 26/50..................................Paper 1: 71/100

Paper 2: 30/50..................................Paper 2: 74/100

Overall: 56% C..................................Overall: 72.5% A

LITERATURE:
Paper 1: Unseen: 15/25...WH: 17/25.......TIOBE: 15/25

Paper 2: Unseen 13/25...TwinText: 9/25...TG: 14/25

Overall: 55.3% C

Exam Preparation Schedule

partial results

2011-09-26T20:21:00.017+08:00

ok i havent been blogging for abit cause i have been sucked in by the ultimate black hole- education. A levels are tantalising near... yea right. its hell near and no where near tantalising. am going to fight fight fight, so posts here may reduce significantly like how you've already seen.

k so now to a more positive note, PRELIMS are over! finally i can relax a little at least. haha. got you. i am NOT relaxed. am receiving results of prelims back. some of which i am pleased, others not so much. am very very anxious about the rest. fingers crossed.

BIOLOGY:
Paper 1: 31/40 :)

Paper 2: 66/100 -.-

Paper 3: 50/72 :) (Planning: 11/12 :))

Overall: 69.3% B -.-

CHEMISTRY:
Paper 1: 20/40 -.-

Paper 2: 33/72 :( (Planning: 6/12 :()

Paper 3: 46/80 :)

Overall: 51.6% D -.-

GP:
Paper 1: ??

Paper 2: 30/50 :)

Overall: ??

LITERATURE:
Paper 1: Unseen: 15/25 :) WH: 17/25 :) TIOBE: 15/25 :)

Paper 2: Unseen 13/25 -.- TwinText: 8/25 :( TG: ??

Overall: ??

MATHEMATICS:
Paper 1: ??

Paper 2: ??

Overall: ??

will update after i finish getting back all my scripts. in the mean time, please enjoy my horrendous results.

DRaaAAaaMA

2011-09-17T11:43:00.004+08:00

Drama. Everyone loves to watch it on TV; everyone likes to see it around them; everyone prays for it to never happen to them. Drama. I was watching "Survivor" yesterday after midnight and i realised that i wasn't really rooting for any team. instead, i was anticipating the drama.

before even talking about the team challenge, lets just talk about the members of the teams. of course, the celibate boy who is trying to get his life together has to be on the same team as the mesmerising girl who offered to climb the tree. the two oldest contestants are put into the same team as the youngest few of the game. the buff guy with the dreads in the same team as the law student with the specs. oh and who can forget the most essential outfit- skin. the guys are mostly topless while the girls replace bikinis or clothes with their lace underwear.

obviously, alliances have to be made on the first day when people don't know each others' true colours yet. so its a potential source of drama, ain't it? if you decided to do something that was not a group consensus decision, you're betraying their trust. and people would be half likely to readily trust the other members. and you will definitely face this kind of situation.

the game. whichever team wins means that they have good team spirit and are happy with each other and their performance. great. so producers will say "good for them. now lets break them up with a prize". hidden immunity. sounds wonderful. so if you find the immunity and not tell your team mates, are you betraying them in a way?

losers. they hardly need the producers to break them up. but what's the fun in watching people stare at each other with cold icy eyes if you dont have a part in the process? so there is a need for the tribal council. go on vote someone out. defend yourself while degrading another so that the others would vote for another instead of you. but that's not all. this could be a strengthening experience because everyone come together to vote a single person out. "so let us not send that person home. let's create redemption island" let that person breed hostility in the group.

and there we, as viewers, have it. commercially-induced natural drama! doesn't this just want to make you feel like watching more?

potential combined concert?

2011-09-03T13:38:00.001+08:00

I know I shouldn’t be on the computer right now and should be mugging for my prelims instead. But an idea struck me and I thought that I should pen it down least I forget it. I don’t know if it’s one of the side effects of mugging too much but I’m kind of missing BPGHS a lot! So I thought that may be BP could do like a giant concert featuring all the performing arts!

I mean, we have sports day/ aces day every year, so why not a concert for the performing arts? The performing arts CCAs usually have their own individual concerts but by conducting a combined concert, we can allow 2 or more CCAs to showcase an integrated performance (e.g. the Military Band and Choir or the Chinese Orchestra and Chinese Dance). I know it is not as easy to actually conduct it as to just come up with this idea in the shower, but I am sure we should be able to pull it off. I remember that BP once did the “Beauty and the Beast” musical in 2006, so I know we can do it. we can also call up the alumni of the CCAs to perform too!

Everyone can pitch in. The student council could work with the newly created Alumni committee in the organization. The CCA council could work closely with the organizing team and help in the coordination of their CCA groups. Other students can also offer their help. This way, students receive more opportunities for leadership, participation and service (LEAPS certificate). Moreover, the profits gained from the concert could either help to fund the school or go to charity (I’m saying charity because my class just did a CIP project “Child @Heart” for the Singapore’s Children Society and I found it very meaningful).

Just to be clear, I’m not pressing for anything to happen right now. I’m just putting my idea out there and it is certainly in my to-do list after my A levels. I hope that something may happen out of this. *fingers crossed*

potential combined concert?

2011-09-03T13:38:00.000+08:00

going off rail

2011-08-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

so more and more of my friends are ponning sch or lessons. and i'll be honest, it fustrates me. why cant they suck it up and just go for the freaking lessons. its not like its wasting their time. its kinda like scheduled time-table. the time is for those lessons/sch. i told one of them that its wrong and he came up with a whole load of weird logic saying that it is wrong if you see it from the outer perspective but it is for the greater good and if you see it from the inner view, its right. pooh.

can you just imagine those ppl growing up and finding all sorts of ways to get extra time off their working time in the future? irresponsible. ok i sound like some goody-two-shoes and i dont know why but it does irritate me.

idk. rules are there so just freaking follow it. no point moving your way round it. or rather breaking it and try moving your way round the discipline mistress. i see no point in even trying to go off rail right now.

Connecting stones

2011-08-29T21:29:00.008+08:00

havent written for so long. recently (and by recent i mean like within this hour) just had this picture of a stone in my head. ok, may be not a picture cause i cant really see any shape or anything. it was more of a feeling. the word "stone" came in my mind and i felt this incredible emotion. and hence, i decided to write about it. and i was thinking about what could make one have such feelings. i thought that maybe a tombstone of a loved one could make one feel like their heart has gone stone cold, or do the exact opposite of radiating warmth. im not sure if i did convey this cause im like a freaking amateur, but i tried my best and i hope its not too shabby. :)

Connecting Stones
Holding your little stone,
our names engraved with a sharp knife,
brought me back to our childhood life
at the edge of our pond, alone.

You taught me how to
make pebbles skip on water as you say
that you’ll swim like them one day
in an Olympic pool.

I cheered you on fanatically
as you trained hard against the clock
and brought home medals with a ring and a rock
and I nodded frantically.

A honeymoon in the ocean,
teasing, I pushed you down and down and down
until you could no longer make a sound
and ceased motion.

Now you lie underneath me
as I stare at the stone -half mine half yours-
tainted with wild grass but always pure,
it connects we.

Almighty You

2011-08-18T06:19:00.003+08:00

Almighty You
Have you imagined yourself to be all mighty, ominous and immortal?
Believing that you would use your powers for good and not evil,
you denounce that “There shall be Peace!” No crimes. You’d stop them
aabefore they know it.
No needs. No food. No water. No sleep. No work. Peace is boring.

And so declare that if peace exists not, “there shall be justice!”
You promise punishment for the bad and you held that promise
until one day you realized you were having too much joy
in the reeducation of your unlawful toys.

You snap out of frame and rose from your bed,
leaving all your riches and fame at the back of your head.
‘Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.’
You smile as you think you’ve found meaning.

You rushed for paper to pen down your epiphany
and in doing so, made yourself immortal with total control of your
aawriting.

lazy song~~

2011-08-12T23:48:00.003+08:00

ok so i was guilted into writing this. -.- hope you are happy....

he expected me to bitch but not in dah mood. ah-ger-ness is feeling no bad today and is staying marvellous. :) my first lit P1 consultation tmr morning, provided mum/dad free in the morning to fetch me there.. *cross fingers*

me should sleep soon... should but probably wont cause still stuck here.

oh yar, and hopefully the Arnesh will come tmr too. he owes me a real drink.

aint a very long post today cause stomach got no fire/tears to write emo emo stuff. but stomach got acid. alot of acid. and acid is making agnes's bus rides suck ttm cause agnes feel like puking everytime.

but ahs. anyways. ahs. nth. bye :)

appreciate it

2011-08-04T00:46:00.003+08:00

"[People] are absolutely careless about sending out [appreciation]. It is very foolish of [them]. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving [appreciation]."
-a truncated quote from Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

it is nice to be appreciated. so here i want to send my appreciation to those who took the time to appreciate me and make me feel special in my own way. :)

growing

2011-08-02T21:45:00.003+08:00

familiar feelings make me feel just at home. i wont lie. i blushed and it brought me back to a place i knew at the back of my hand. felt good reminecing. but i know i wont turn back. today he made me know that i've grown.

you'll be fine

2011-08-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

You'll be fine
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
You’ve been doing so well so far.”
They were assuring and envious, may be,
As they quietly race to be on par.

“Relax little dearie, you’ll be fine.
You’ll get to where you want to be.”
He was calming and firm and certain,
But only if my goal I can see.

“Don’t stress my darling, you’ll be fine.
You’re sure to work to your aim.”
They were supportive and comforting, always,
Yet may not fully comprehend my pain.

I know I’d be fine. I’ll definitely get there.
I’ll be on my heels, I’ll run.
I’ll take all your advice- goal, plan, work!
It is easier said than done.

certificates

2011-07-28T23:19:00.002+08:00

i have stomach fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! and my result slip.

One of them showed:
Biology- B- 83 percentile
Chemistry- S- 21 percentile
General Paper- D- 69 percentile
Literature in English- D- 47 percentile
Mathematics- A- 87 percentile

The other showed:
Lacteol Forte Sachet- 1 sac 2 times a day- for diarrhorea
Dhalumag mixture- take 10mls 3 times a day- for gastric discomfort
Domperidone tablet- take 1 tab 3 times aday- for abdominal distension
Anarex tablet- take 2 tabs 3 times a day- for pain, fever and relax muscle
MC- to certify that Lee Jia Ling is unfit for school for 1 day

MCMCMCMCMC

2011-07-24T11:13:00.001+08:00

sick with a fever. sore throat. grrrr... cant feel my limbs, but am feeling every once of pain in my back and neck. hope to get an MC for tmr so that i can mug for chem and bio tests. besides, then i wont have to rush through my GP clinic work. :)

for the sake of my As for my As

2011-07-21T21:17:00.002+08:00

ok so these are some incidents that happened today. am writing it here, well, cause this is my blog. and you probably already know it cause the URL has the word blogspot on it. so im kind of stating the obvious here. and if you are so much a smart alec that has like lit genes or something, you'd probably hear from my tone that im not in such a good mood now.

so today at GP lesson, i got back my essay. it is 25/50. i expected better. well, more of i wanted better. i couldn't really expect much cause i wasnt really into writing the essay unlike other times. my cher gave some harsh comments. not a big fan. he questioned my hardworking-ness. he claimes i did not do any research at all. well, DUH! i remembered specifically that he said the assignment during the holidays need not be toooo serious. oh wells, i did do research in the end. so much for putting in effort. tmr there is another timed-prac essay. have to go do research later. -.-

in Bio class, somehow, a political subject was raised. there was a heated argument, between her and... well, only she was talking and talking and talking... shut up bitch. ok, i get the whole harmony-happy-friends thing but im tired of hypocritism. im no longer going to pretend to be nice to her anymore. i am just going to be a downright bitch. actually, shes not really that bad. she just annoys me. i have a low EQ. too bad for her.

there is too much saga happening in my life and i know i cant stop them. i spoke to nan today, suggesting to her about my ultimate plan of being solitary for the sake of my As for my As. ok, unless you are a sad singaporean teenager, you probably do nto understand what i meant. i mean to get A grades for my Alevel examinations in November. then again, im not sure if my plan will work. im not sure, even, if I would work.

due to all these drama amongst me, i believe i'd tried to relieve some of my feelings to some friends. i feel i got closer to some. some i feel weird telling them cause of indifference and some.... well, one of them. its such a weird feeling. its like how he seems to know so much of me. and he makes comparisons and speculates. so supposedly, i should feel close to him. yet, i dont.
maybe it is because of weird feelings in the past. but i think it is mostly that he doesn't open up to me. i know he has been telling lies. i mean, even if you do not want to tell me about something, there is no need to lie.

whatever. i need to start thinking A levels instead of everything else. i just wanna apologise to anyone who has seen this and felt pissed or guilty. ok, im being hypocritical again cause eitherway, i dont really care. back to GP research now...

options

2011-07-19T23:50:00.003+08:00

dearie, your mouth spoke truth but your eyes lied. should i believe your heart or your mind? should i be wary or brush what i saw today aside? please do not give me options. i knew you were going to lie, but i still asked you either way because i did not want to choose.

No

2011-07-16T13:27:00.001+08:00

No
Look. Look into my eyes.
Do you see it?
No? Look deeper.
Your answer’s there.

Look through the façade, but
do not destroy it.
It is essential to make
others think that I care.

Can you see it now?
It is crystal clear.
Flooding? They are not mine,
but your tears.

Buck up some courage and
face it. The answer is no.
It was, it is and it will
forever be, no dear.

:(

2011-07-14T21:56:00.000+08:00

i feel mean. :(

LISTEN~

2011-07-13T21:14:00.004+08:00

Background info: Sarah and I were like thinking of starting a consultation group with Mr. Whitby to improve our grades. And I wanted it small so that our own issues could get addressed. I have no idea how SHE got to know about this and whats more, got included.

And it was like a buy one get many free. Our group just exploded until it was 10 of us. So I said it was going to become a tutorial class size. But when she entered, she kinda dominated everything I I cant get my point across to her in the first place cause she CANNOT listen. So we split and thank god we are in different groups.

So it was 6 of us and 4 of them. The 6 of us settled stuff early and smsed mr whitby. Her group was slower and she held N--- back saying, “don’t you leave me to sms mr whitby alone”. What the shit was that for? Shouldn’t consultation sessions be set up between teachers and the very students themselves? I could see what right she had to butt in our consultation session.

[To everyone] Hey guys! There are EXTRA consultation sessions by Mr Whitby on 1) Thursday 2.30-4.00; N--- is the point of contact for Mr Whitby on that one; if you would like to go for that her no is [number] SMS her! 2) Saturday tentatively 9.00am; if you would like to go for that just sms me.

[Angrily] I called her. but the call didn’t get through.

[To me] Yup, whats up?

[Fuming but controlled] Why are you asking other people to join our consultation session?? We have already settled it ourselves. You can ask ppl to join your session but I don’t think it’s too nice to ask on behalf of us. Some f us are not too happy.

[To me] Agnes, I sent the SMS out only to those in our lit class. N--- and I agreed; if you don't wish it fine I will not.

[Smug] N--- Agreed?? Are you sure??

[To everyone] Hey guys, I apologize for the mistake made. The Thursday session is FULL/CLOSED and some have complained about my actions in inviting people so if there are still those who need consul, please contact me. Again, Thursday is no longer available and is closed.

[To me] I showed her the sms. But I’ve just sent another out. Have a good day.

[Rolling eyes] FYI, it’s not just the both of us. But thank you. Have a great day too.

ps. final CT results: B.S.A.D.D for B.C.M.L.Gp repectively

BADS

2011-07-13T00:18:00.003+08:00

everyone's so depressed... i kinda satisfied with my results, apart from chem. Math-A, Bio-B, GP-D. got 2nd in class for these three subjects. Lit is unknown and chem is an S, sadly. hopefully i will do better nxt time. have to work hard.

i see different ways my friends took to cope with their results. some poured tears, some poured other kind of fluids. to me, not that im encouraging the act, but i really cannot be bothered anymore. desensitized is the word. they are the "experts" in the end. as long as they know their limits, come back alive, feel better and can pick themselves up, i really dont care if they go on slicing anything. retards.

Goodnight, my child

2011-07-11T19:05:00.001+08:00

Goodnight, my child.
One round, two.
Bubbles. Water.
Swimming.
One round, two.
My lovely three second brain.

Weird white creatures.
Big eyes that blink.
Tails that split.
Weird white creatures.
They experimented on me.

They took me out of water,
Measured my length,
Weighed my mass,
Without letting me catch my breath,
Until I could breathe in dry ‘water’.

They fed me GoodFood
And I turned purple.
They injected me with some fluid
And I returned back to normal
With an extra hand with toes.

They operated on me
And altered my neurons.
Global warming is currently an issue.
Everyone needs to do their part to make a change.
What am I doing in all these H2O?

When my parents went back home and the lights were off,
I stared at a blank wall as hard as I could with my lidless eyes
Counting out loud one two three, one two three, one two three,
One two three, one two three, one two three, one two three, one two three.
“Is my nightmare over?”

that little voice

2011-07-06T22:03:00.003+08:00

recently i kept having that little voice in my head, telling me negative stuff like how i should drop my chem to H1 cause i suck at it. grrr... im afraid that one day it may grow too strong and i would just be too weak to resist.

That little voice
You need to move out now.
I’m sorry for the late notice.
I’ll remember the good times we had,
and the bad times will be chucked aside.
But you need to move out now.

There is no point in crying
or asking for the reasons.
There isn’t any other choice.
So please turn around, do us a favour
and get away from me.

You need to move out immediately.
Your stuff will be mailed to you.
We’ve know each other for so long,
you are practically me.
We wear the same clothes everyday.
We look perfectly identical.
I’ve always listened to your preaching-
You need to move out now.

Please promise to get somewhere safe,
preferably far away.
You need to move out now, so
please close the door on the way out
of my life.

My Teacher's Pen

2011-07-05T19:24:00.004+08:00

yesterday i cut my leggg. my foot actually. its not really a big cut but it still hurts. yea.. so cutting legs sucks. but having friends, who offered to bend down and help me nurse it, is bliss. so thank you hanjun and bryan! i hope the cut doesnt leave a scar...

k so yesterday was funn. cause i spent the day with friends at bryan's house, doing homework. today, didnt go as well... today we got back our chem paper 1 question paper. i wrote down the answers so i could calculate my total marks. i got 8 out of 20. one more mark to a pass. this sucks. hopefully i can pass my chem overall. i knew it wasnt very hard. i guessed i didnt put in as much effort as i could. this is the first time i've felt regret after a test/ exams. i hope i could at least get an E. crossing my fingers.

tmr i'll get back my some of my lit papers back. my cher has already announced the mark range of the entire cohort for the first essay. 6-17 out of 30 marks. he said the bulk had 7/8 marks. i hope i recieved a double digit. i want to excel. please let me excel. im pleading.

My Teacher's Pen
It sailed across her cheek.
A massive cruise throbbed with the waves
in the sea of flush; blush and the rush
of adrenaline set her ablaze.

Firemen came, leaving trailes of red.
Tears to the rescue! Put out the heat.
Smoke fogged up the sight; light and the tight
muscles caused wrinkles. Iron them neat.

She withers away from reality,
entrapped herself in lines of art;
in a new world driven by wind; gin and the sin
took over the power of her heart.

Seeing Her Future

2011-06-28T20:09:00.003+08:00

omg. this poem that im going to post may sound disturbing to you. maybe cause it is about sexual abuse. or maybe its because i wrote it when i was shitting the the toilet. once again, i cant believe im proclaiming this to the entire world!

i was on the way to poo when i saw my brother's project on crimes. and he had complied a range of poems that were about crimes. so i got inspired and wrote one on the go. so yea.

Seeing Her Future
It was a party in that room.
The male guests never stopped coming
There were females too:
One bound to the bed, frightened,
Another at a corner.

The guys prowled, dirtied the sheets
And protected her like how her clothes did.
They came in large packs.
She fought hard, the bed screamed.
The other at a corner- sitting.

The last guest arrived and the party ceased.
He scoured the room. He was hungry.
She was a greasy smoked chicken, well-done.
Smiling, an appetite was worked up.
The other at a corner- sitting and watching.

They left the party house
With their tails between their legs.
He had fun, she had trauma, she struggled
He finished the job.
The other at a corner- sitting, watching and next
In line.

one pink flower bandaid

2011-06-16T16:41:00.002+08:00

people say that women forgive but dont forget. i dont like over generalisations, so i shall say that i forgive but dont forget. omg, this sounds so familial now that im typing it. maybe i've written this agnes's quote before? but anyways, as well as you treat me now, as well as i am treating you now, the awkwardness outwards is gone, but my heart still tells me to be wary cause one pink flower bandaid aint gonna cut it.

Burying is hard

2011-06-13T00:39:00.006+08:00

Burying is hard
i felt so cold from within when the temperature was 30 degrees outside.

felt so empty in a crowded room, there wasn't you in sight.

i saw passed you, i was tra-nspa-rent, a fragment of my ima gin ati on.

i opened my mou-th to make a noise, halted by hes tit at ion.

there you were, moving on, i thought i did so too.

it was a colouful day, a vibrant one, but now its turning blue.

i drifted off into the world of electronics, while you were entrapped in another.

where was the earth, the land, the air, my friend, my buddy, my brother?

i could see your shape and you could see mine but substance was my doubt.

the frown carefully kept by a giggle, a smile, a pout.

i forced it down deep deep deep, the unknown tension has to cease cease cease.

i am on my knees begging myself to bury the hatchet please please please.

performing for MOE ministers

2011-06-04T00:18:00.003+08:00

havent blogged in quite a while. was busy with CTs and choir. performed yesterday. was sooo tired today that i feel asleep from 2++ to 7++ pm. before yesterday were all practices to learn 2 new songs in time.

i realised a very interesting thing. my choir cher did not allow me to wear my shorts with the NJ formal house tee in orchard. she didnt allow anyone to do so. she was kinda like you wear sch uniform or you wear home clothing. but of course no one wore home clothes as we met up in sch. so everyone, except those who wore sch u, were running away from her. and the unlucky few, were so unfortunate to be caught by her. she told me to put a jacket on. i dint have one, so i borrowed. but outside was like freaking hot. and i wasnt going the way my friend did, so i returned the jacket.

so she confronted me the very next day cause i was even more suay than everyone else. she saw me on the streets without the jacket. but come on! i was on the way home le! and besides aint what i was wearing like suitable for going out? i do that all the time, everyone does that! if that wasnt allowed, then students should not spend all that money on buying sch shirts cause they can only wear them to sch and after their sch term, they cannot be worn! her logic is warped.

but anyway, i explained to her, saying that my friend and i were going in different directions and she looked at me as if i was just craping some reason to patronise her. Whatever.....

kk, besides trivial stuff like that, i managed to speak to a few ministers yesterday, which was nice. they asked a few questions that kinda made me go "okay....." like when one of them asked me if we were going to sing our favourite songs, i replied, "no, we will be singing the power of the dream and auld lang syne" then she went "so they are not your favourite songs? haha" yeap.... stuff like that. i tried to turn it into some joke by saying "it can be. :)"

am excited that i can fully enjoy my holiday now, but am also worried about the fact that one week has passed. need to start studying soon or i'll do badly in my CTs after the exams. i should sleep early today cause tmr i have my singing lessons. but, i only just woke up at 7++, so am techniquely not sleepy at all now. hope i can survive tmr. *fingers crossed*

i don't understand

2011-05-22T22:24:00.002+08:00

i burned. i sweat. i screamed. i threw. i hurt. i shook. i don't understand.

but even now, i need to bash something up. cause the adrenaline rush has made me hungry for blood.

the guy who begged me not to put his name down..

2011-05-22T00:56:00.009+08:00

someone wrote me a poem today (YAY!) cause i made him do it. Hahas. Am quite impressed myself that he could finish it within the time limit of 15mins. Poem:

Too many shadows in my room.
Too many hours in this midnight.
Too many corners in my mind.
So much to do to set my heart right.
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready.
Oh but if I take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.

hints of emo-ism i guess. with array (pun intended) of hope. :)

ok so this asshole didnt come up with this poem himself.-.- he got it elsewhere. *roll eyes*. although he probably cant tell, cause y'know, mua is lit student, but this actually reflect what he was telling me about his life. about studying and exams.

note to self: He likes mums, kids and bosses but dogs are a no-mention.

Gems

2011-05-17T21:25:00.001+08:00

Gems
You see them across the playroom.
Tiny fat lumps playing with round balls,
Innocence shone through their eyes like diamonds.
Grotesque.
You see them across the classroom.
Pearls sprouting on their faces- a fashion statement.
Gel coated heads reflected light.
Magical.

You see him across the living room.
That gold plated neck now yours.
You steel knife harvested his inner ruby.
His headlights off.
Your appetite finally satisfied.
Smile.

i need a blender

2011-05-17T00:11:00.004+08:00

and they all lived happily ever after... just that they are all living sperately.

everyone loves a happy ending. and i think i got mine as i close one chapter. the chapter that has practically consumed me. and now, i feel lost. should i be happy? or sad? confusion. but i know one thing. i am supposed to start working hard in my studies, which is not happening.

did my toenails today. i dont even know why i did it for. probably cause i was bored. but of what? i wasnt even doing anything today. despite the huge pile of homework i placed on my study table.

yesterday i talked via msn. it has been a long time since i chatted on msn. and as i described my life to the other party, i found out how extremely boring i was. a full fledge MUGGER. i need a life. my life. not the life of another, cause well, my studies cannot afford it. this doesnt really suck. but it is sian.

was chatting to forester. cool name. cute photos. ^^ he's nice. very sociable. he reminds me of what i was. the part of me i've lost. i was always the loud out-going one. attention seeking. but you change when you make friends who are luder and more out-going. you slip into quietness.

i wish this year could just zoom pass cause i dont think i can take it anymore. im feeling some sort of stress, but not enough to actually make me feel absolutely afraid. im like stuck in the middle like an apple slice in snow white's throat. i need to start working hard. and also getting a life. but i dont see how these polarities can have a good blend.

i need a blender
yes yes! put everything in.
a good mix of life is the perfect drink.
a dash of spice and a whole load of brains
and those little pills to take away the pain.
dew drop tears and volcanic lava,
prom night desses with crystal tiaras.
flowers with mud, bushes with torns,
angels with halos, and movie popcorn.
throw my friends in and family too,
my bed, my pets and even my school.
turn on a switch and get me a glass
and call 911 just in case i pass.

ouch

2011-05-09T00:44:00.001+08:00

i swear, there must be a metal pole of something sitting on the right side of my spine in my body..

SYF 2011

2011-05-04T23:05:00.002+08:00

SYF 2011
You look ahead and see your mother.
Daddy is holding onto your waist,
Clutching it as if he meant to choke you.
Uncomfortable feeling. You shake to break loose.

You inch your way forward, alone.
You fear of falling down. You raise
Your arms for balance. Eyes focused on mama.
You inch your way forward, alone.

You hear the encouragements slowly die down.
People gossip behind you, putting you down,
Talking about how slow you are.
Your siblings are afraid you bring down the family name.

You persevered and fought on.
Tears dripped and music came out from your mouth.
And when you reach out for mummy,
Your aunt picks you up and everyone cheers.

mummy-GWH
aunt-Gold
daddy-scoldings??
siblings-teachers
family name- obviously the school

need to be alone

2011-04-28T20:31:00.002+08:00

had the most perfect day to study. sch ended early, have no cca today. but i turned on the television watched. and now im here, cause i refuse to study now. i refuse. a much deserved rest, from cramming all the notes and dynamics and words and fomulas. so today, im not working anymore.

i realised recently that whenever my friends apologise for being "harsh" with their words aint really "harsh" for me. guess they have not known what i've been through- a prolonged boot camp. i cant stand inspirational speeches or pep talking anymore. cause the overwhelming sight, or in this case, hearing of it is having the complete opposite effect on me...

i see my self spacing out when im with my friends sometimes. more so these few days. i need to be alone.

visiting guilt

2011-04-22T20:42:00.003+08:00

Today dint really do much. Was relaxing and rejuvenating. In essence, a much needed holiday. :)

Yesterday, on the other hand was bad. Not as in the day sucked but bad inside. I did two things I knew I shouldn't. White lie. Betrayal. One was an easy decision, the other was stressful. Although I knew exactly that both were wrong, I found it hard to feel the assumed guilt.

Visiting guilt
I tucked you in. And on Thursday night,
When I come by, I will kiss you by the cheek.
You will take my coat and we will sit for tea.
I eat the cake you serve and feel it nourish every part of me.

We will chat about my old times.
Awkwardness whirls round the room
Like the rush I got when I was an adolescent.
A cup of coffee will get rid of it. A cup of coffee always does.

“Two cubes please.” It masks the bitterness.
I wipe the last few drops off my lips
And before you could converse,
I will stand up, check my hair and be ready to bid you farewell.

Then, you will kiss me by the cheek,
Sending shivers down my spine.
I will pick up my coat,
Once again forgetting to whisper, in your ear, “I’m sorry.”

:)

2011-04-19T23:01:00.004+08:00

i love her but... im starting to get annoyed. she's loud. TOO LOUD! for my preference, and maybe others too. dont want to tell her least she gets all drama again. i remember the last time someone told her to tone it down. i said even if she wanted to change, she should still be her. and with a twist of some words, she thanked the person who told her to tone it down and made me feel like the bad guy. im not going down that road again.

well, besides bitching and failing napfa for the 3rd time, today was surprisingly peaceful and productive. i need more of todays.

ps. bensee's posts are getting innovative, i think. or he might just be going the other way round. owell, you can never go wrong with a DIO quote. and yea, it sucks to be you, and me, and everyone else in this world, so man up! i should woman up too. >.< i especially like the post where you wrote absolutely nothing and titled it "the train of thought was lost again". personallu, your coolest post yet

dreams

2011-04-17T13:13:00.003+08:00

the water works are appearing again, more often than i thought it would, yet less often than i hoped it would. life's tumbling downhill again, as usual, since i am still trapped in choir. i see how the escape party happily while enduring the consequences. i want to run away cause the wall i built up is rapidly degrading. i can feel arrows sinking deep into my flesh. random arrows. and i pray that none will be fatal. i see my comrades standing by my side weeping, sharing the exact same predicament as me. i console them and my tears hides. laying my head next to the free ones, the salty cowards leak out like an abandoned dam.

if there were a pyramid that denotes hierachy, where would i be? i see the masses revolting, succedding. i feel the upper classes oppressing, succedding. and i feel myself suffocating, failing, dying. im trying to stand up again but the two forces are too great. collective.. maybe we can do it collectively. but i feel so alone.

i wish one day i will not be afraid anymore. i wish i had the courage to look at her in the face. i do not want bombastic words. i do not want fancy languages. just 2 simple words would do. "you suck". that would do. that would be what i would do. that would be what i would do in my dreams, now, later, and then. but in reality? i know it will never come out. cause i am scared.

she puts out the fire in me and makes me feel like crap. singing. they both teach me singing. so why the vast difference in methods? one makes me feel like i could conquer the world with my voice. the other shuts me down, takes away the microphone and shines the spotlight on the others.

i love the stage. i want to stand on it, yet i feel so bad that i have to depend on you to stand on "your" stage. i do not need you to stand on a stage. i have other means. in fact, i think i stood on a stage more times than you ever did. but i still love the stage. and with any time i could do that, i would not throw away that chance. so dont take it away from me. cause if you did, i swear, i may just throw a punch in your face, when i lie my head on my pillow.

manikin

2011-04-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Felt almost terrible today. I do not understand why I even bother to put up a façade. It was as if I had to. Though, feeling like crap inside, I just had to put up a front for the others. It was a fucked up day. Yesterday was worse. It seemed like everything was to crash and fall and crumble on me like the ongoing earthquake. But thankfully it wasn’t. Everything crashed, fell and crumbled on me step by step. To be honest and frank, some even made me feel relieved.

I could hear the soft whispering. Yea, like I couldn’t hear what you were trying to say when you were right in front of me. I could see, from the corner of my eye, the disapproving nods. Stuck up asshole. And of course, other people had to do so well, putting on more pressure on pressure. My heart beats faster, whilst another stops. Tears, welled up in my eye sockets, never got to see the light. I need a break. From everything. From life.

Words from teachers, senior and peers. Evil words strangle me and I feel choked. I need someone to hug and cry on. Available shoulders are no longer in stock. The mall is closed and I am the only one trapped behind that glass door. All in a day of a manikin.

im here

2011-04-11T23:12:00.004+08:00

should i press on? things are getting too stressful too soon. and if i do not make it tmr, i dont think the spotlight will ever find me again, even when i stand on centre stage. im so tempted to quit, but too afraid to. i find myself in the same position as i was before. yet till now, i cannot find the will or solution.

my eyes saw your tears

2011-04-06T22:44:00.002+08:00

my eyes saw your tears
I think I may have said too much.
My lips spat, crimson red dripped from his arm.
As though miming in a glass box,
His silent cries resonated in my head
Tear by tear by tear by… I fell down.
Guys. Hard, but fragile;
Armored, but not impermeable;
Resolute, but huMAN.
May be it was the unreachable badge,
Or the key at hand.
But I felt my tongue slice through you.

taking a stroll

2011-04-03T11:39:00.007+08:00

i encounted a very interesting conversation yesterday. and i found out how mentally strong or weak i was, comparatively. all these choir talk have been spiralling my mind like some flushing toilet bowl.

complaining, to the strong, was nothing but being feeble. yet, to be able to throw away the redundant was equivalent to an organised secretary. and a good secretary is essential for success.

on a learning journey now. that's how i see it. the road ahead seems really really far. but i look back and see the stretch behind. how do i know im getting better? cause if i was me in the past, i would have never admitted that there was the stretch ahead.

how should i push?

2011-04-02T13:41:00.006+08:00

ok, i got to go shower and then get ready for chem tuition really soon, so im gonna keep this SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT.

yesterday had choir again. and it was like usual practices. like last year, when we were gearing up for the cork competition. but im different now. i've grown i think. at least that was what my friend told me. but this had nothign to do with choir. yet again, im seeing my juniors, asking the same questions i was asking myself last year. i've answered those questions already, at least most of them. wish i could help, but until they find their own answers, they wont actually feel it.

i think i really really understand how singing is like now. i mean really singing. to immerse yourself into the song and creating cords and whatsoever. so at least that's point for agnes >.<

ok, im digressing. today i want to talk about preaching. scoldings are like pushing someone with your feet, aka, trampling. and if theat person could see herself as a spring, she'll bounce back even higher. but preaching. preaching is weird. i guess i used to like to preach, in a way, i think. maybe i still do. but the thing is that to preach is in directly making yourself feel better. because you'll feel some kind of non-existing power within you. and people who listens to it will feel demoralised . at least some will cause they really did try.

i've always been a leader. at least a leader figure. in the sense that i had titles. i've always been since primary school. every year of my academic life (which almost is all my life cause im not that old and am still schooling) i have been a leader, except this year. not being a leader allowed me to feel what i have not experienced before. and i saw everything i did wrong before. i picture an ideal leader now and im aiming to achieve that, even though im not one now.

but the most important thing i've noticed is that it is uber important to encourage. encouragement, praises and "thank you"s. they work wonders. im not saying that occasional preaching and scoldings are bad, but encouragement should still be the fundamental. people should keep that in mind... and never give up.

ok chem tuition. rushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

to save our kind

2011-03-13T14:45:00.003+08:00

I finally thought of the word to describe her- DEHUMANIZING

The manipulative mind of hers, obvious to all. Can you imagine the fear she induces by showing blatantly that mind. My only escape was in my skull. Thousands of electrical impulses, for those moments when my eyes seem glued to hers, directed straight in the bridge of her nose. Yet, just a millimeter away, fear pulls them all back. I feel electrocuted.

She addresses everyone. But, from the subtleness of her words, I could feel the phrases pierce me. Bias. It was so evident that even if you have absolutely no neurons, your hair would stand on its ends. If the girls did well, there would hardly be praises. Girls had to be good, for the guys to follow. Guys were okay, guys do their best, and girls don’t. If girls tried their best and were still bad, girls were just lousy and stupid. Skits were taboo. She never wore skirts. In her defense, sometimes she wasn’t in a biased mood. Those times, everyone was lousy and stupid.

She unleashes her true self only after she has the young ones in the palms of her hands, like a Venus fly trap. Every phloem and xylem dilated on Friday and in a quick snap, they were caught. All 32 of them. I tried to be the mediator. No, I was actually just a tape recorder, repeating what the past suffers said. I was sure I hardly meant the noises I made. I wondered if the past were recorders too. Maybe I’ve created a few new DVDs for the following generation. However, I know, what I unspool onto those white screens are necessary for the survival of our kind.

caged

2011-03-10T22:20:00.003+08:00

am in the mood to be a total bitch today. have you ever had like this gush of feelings that dont go away until you find a place for them to leak out of you? yeap i had that, hence im here now.

wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.

im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.

today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.

ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-

oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.

i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!

I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.

tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.

im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.

caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.

I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.

I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.

I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.

In hot soup

2011-03-09T00:24:00.000+08:00

In hot soup

I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.

Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.

will i ever get there

2011-03-06T22:15:00.003+08:00

am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.

i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat

just a wet graveyard away

13.49min!!!!

2011-03-05T01:42:00.002+08:00

but gonna post something so that my blog doesnt die or herbinate at least. life's getting boring. not breathless cause i cant find the motivation yet to push myself. A level results were released today. felt tingly for the moment but lost it soon.

2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)

have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)

We Rock! We Love! We 27!

2011-02-13T22:00:00.000+08:00

We Rock! We Love! We 27!
Once upon a time,
There was, in NJ, OG27.
It had awesome OGLs-
Agnes, Rachel, Edward, Darren!

Of course, 4 wasn’t enough,
Needed orientees,
Especially those with super cool names
Like Maria Grazia Lee!

But Maria then felt lonely
And needed friends to play,
So she went to find Xinyao
Who gladly said, “OK!”

Then Swee Hwa came along
Bringing friends of four-
Samuel, Hui Jun, Malcolm
Not forgetting Vanisha Kishore!

So all of them had fun together
Until they heard 2 voices singing.
Looked around, searched high and low,
Only to find Kang Jie and Cara Li Yi Ting!

Now 8 girls here with 5 boys there
The OG’s growing strong!
But the more the merrier, come on in
The cheerful Priscilla Khong!

They played games that were fun TTM-
Watermelon, double wacko.
So thick skin they were, included themselves
Were Hong Yi, Yee Cheng and Derek Goh.

Hey, bear with me, the poem’s ending,
How impatient you guys are!
I won’t compromise writing about
The cute bubbly Nadiah!

Then suddenly, oh gasp shock horror!
A figure appeared out of the blue.
Is it an alien? A monster with claws?
No it’s worse! It’s Lim Han Chun!

“Never fear! Kevin is here!”
As he restrained Han Chun with a hug.
But Kangxin saw it, got really jealous
Cause HC broke his heart.

So what to do? A love triangle!
What a mess this is!
So little cupid, Yuan Yijia,
Solved it with a kiss!
(On whom? I let you guys decide.)

Then everyone became crazy
And started loving each other.
But it was ok, I think, I guess
Cause they all lived happily ever after!

preying

2011-01-31T22:03:00.002+08:00

Preying
i could feel the heat behind me shooting down
as my bald head reflected light like the stars.
my eyes as sharp as my beak scoured
as i hovered above what was once alive.
stubbornly refusing to remove myself,
i smiled when i saw, from the corner,
new meat

swimming in oil and greasy goodness

2011-01-31T21:30:00.003+08:00

today had SH orientation in school. ok, it started on thurs but the 2days werent that fun so today felt like the first day. had station games. that was fun. :) tomorrow there's showdown. looking forward to it, but dreading the wash up. dont want to smell like dead fish again.

talking about fish, i really should exert some self-control and stop eating LJS fish combo every other day. growing fatter... k am tired... shall go rest now. ciao!

For you, me and another

2011-01-19T21:26:00.002+08:00

For you, me and another
It’s funny how I say I’m immune
When my heart beats out of fear
And my mind goes completely bonkers
When you step any feet near.
I can feel my legs shaking
And my hairs standing on ends
But yet "none, no feelings for you"
Even I can't comprehend.

Speechless, when staring in your eyes
So I try to look away.
Cause I know if they stayed glued onto,
An arrow of terror will shoot into me and a dagger
Not far, in another's heart, lay.

I'm cool

2011-01-15T00:41:00.006+08:00

I'm cool
sometimes i feel you make me crazy,
clouding my mind, fogging, hazy.
you turn the corner, but my eyes follow you
then i turn away, just to seem cool.

you aint suppose to be here, at least not right now
for the wrong reasons, my heart always pounds.
im acting! to show you that im better off,
yet you dont pay any more attention than a child to a moth.

kazoom! away! you shall disappear!
i'll try spells, witchcraft, anything! to diminish this fear.
i want you gone, distant from me, somewhere far away
and i dont ever want to find you again any other day.

you're not important, i dont need you. go away from me
i am happy. im living well. oh, cant you see?
you turn the corner, but still my eyes follow you
then i turn away, just to make me seem cool.

2011

2011-01-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

2011
it's 2011 already,
so i thought i'd pen down some words.
damn, it's A level year. it's time to study;
time to start acting like a nerd.

a new year, a new begining
forget about the past
got to think ahead, embrace the present
cause time flies really fast

don't know how i'm so grown up now
when i'm still a small kid inside
problems to face, more stress to take
need my blankie to hide

no no no. i wont escape
running away wont help
going to unleash my strength, my burning passions
yes, the difficulties, you shall melt

ok, let, not get a head of ourselves
and forget about reality
but, seriously, not kidding at all
i will triumph this time, i've got a feeling

Why can't i be just like him?!

2010-12-28T23:36:00.002+08:00

"why can't i be just like him?!"

remember those tantrum days when you want to be that person so badly cause he has like the brand new toy you really really want but don't have? of course right now you don't see every adult going like this, but maybe in their mind, it's a whole different story.

i remember that whenever i was asked if there was someone i idolized, i'd say "no". this was probably cause i was either too embarass to admit that or that there was really no one whom i idolized. think it was the latter one... *looks away*

haha. but i've been thinking lately, maybe i dont have a one and only super hero in my world, or at least the real world. maybe i think that if i had traits which others had, my life may feel much easier to handle.

went to bensee's blog recently and he was doing this 10 days, 10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1 things. (the reason why i listed it all out was cause i was too lazy to count or rather too lazy to open up my com's calculator to count) i thought it was kinda cool and wanted to try it out. but got lazy... lagged a few days. then he wrote other posts and THE POST kinda went out of screen. went to his archives but it just wont show me the post. got sian of trying and blog hopped back here.

long story short, i guess, one of bensee's traits is kinda maybe what i'd like to have. the reason why i said "one of bensee's traits" is cause i forgot what trait it was. like i said, i lagged afew days already.... yeap, but bensee is someone i prob look up to (for some reason that i've yet recall, but it'll get back to me... someday).

another person i think is Audrina. i just like the way she can just move on without regrets in what ever she does. she could forsake everything, even if she was on top of her game, and move on, be happy and never look back. (ok, some times she does look back and laugh. oh, and did i mention things just works out for her in the end.) i on the other hand, cant. even if i weren't on top of my game, i tend to hold on to everything i have. this is becoming bad. cause it's making me think twice before i go on to grab another opportunity... if only i could say "i dont want this anymore" and actually let go, my life would probably be happier. (or at least easier)

ok, so those i kinda the 2 people i admire a lil'. after the days of lagging, their names just keep coming to mind when ever i feel like writing this long dued post. hahas. *looks away again*

hahas. hrm... my twitter account is so no happening. i'm not doing anth with it... -.- just followed bensee though... but still not commenting on anth.... guess im just lazy (but i think you guys would have already caught that long ago)

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

2010-12-21T19:26:00.003+08:00

ok today i went on twitter which is new to me. decided to tweet but dint know what to. since my past 2 (and only 2) tweets were all about how bored i was, i shall make my third special, by tweeting when i wasnt bored. so yea. i dint tweet.

i decided to follow people. so i went to go look and look. but no one caught my eye. i typed poems but nothing really made me wanna look at their tweets. so i thought... it has been a long long time since i wrote a poem. and here i am.

ok, so this poem, i have like no inspiration at all...

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
Yet still not a thought in mind.
With such a short time, my brain seems blind,
Oh, none of my words are linking!

Got to get my head to make phrases,
And stanzas and verses four.
But it would be gore, to talk about war,
I feel like I’m lost in mazes!

So now I’m in a dead end again,
Trying to make this work.
No ideas do lurk, I’m definitely not perk.
Damn, I’m getting a migraine!

Come on, subjects fly to me,
Or else this poem won’t start!
With all my heart, I’m thinking but
It’s inspiration I lack, you see!

bored

2010-12-17T18:02:00.002+08:00

ok. today i turned bryan down to go to his house to play so that i could do my work... my plan so failed... then sy asked me out to study, but the only place i could think of to study outside would be bryan's house. so that failed... now waiting to go out later around 8pm++.. bored now...

Happy Holiday

2010-12-16T11:52:00.003+08:00

it has been so long since i blogged... princesses-wana-be has been sleeping. but she's up and going now... (i hope)

came back from Hainan. which was really fun :) my neighbour really knows how to plan a vacation. but, so many things happened and oh my god the cleaniness of that place...... that i cant describe it all here. well, i can, but im lazy.. yeap. so wont be doing a hainan post here.

it has been more than a week since i came back so many things to cover today. i hope i cover them. am kinda lazy....

the very next day after arrival i met up with sheng ying and had a good time. just gonna state it here, (check her blog to find out more).

the day that i really want to cover is last tuesday. 14 DEC. MY BIRTHDAY!! it was a good birthday. started off with NANDINI waking me up for a morning surprise. Loved it. but it gave me panda eyes too.

then was homework (which sounds bad) and Bryan (which makes it sound a little less bad) hahas. then i had lunch with Jarjar!! whoo!! havent seen her for a very very long time already. bryan came late, so he dint get to eat (aka lied to his mom). then we went to popular to get a few things (that obviously he paid cause he's like that and too stubborn to listen to us when we said no)

this is the sounds really weird part. bryan and i went to help his mom with the groceries at NTUC, then went wine tasting which was AWESOME. after that by the time we went back to homework, nic woke up and has done the math question that i left blank. so yea, if you havent noticed, we patched back. this rocked.

then bryan had to go swimming while me, sheng ying, cheowlin, kelvin, nic, shao heng, terrence and wei le went for dinner at pizza hut. BIRTHDAY SPECIAL (complementary cake) + CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (complementary singing of "i'm yours" with guitar by an employee) + NIC D SPECIAL (asking for complementary singing of "happy birthday" by the employee and friends) ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.. HAHAS. P.S. the guy sang flat. but its ok. :)

then we went for pool cause there was no where else to go. CL and SY didnt like the idea but they still went. i guess cause of me. BFFL man!! bryan came later, and the girls went off soon after cause they had to and were getting sian.

i reached home really late that night. 12++am. cause of the guys, refusing to leave... but i guess i was really pampered. all of them (with the exception of terrence), that's 5 guys, sent me home all the way to the doorstep. then they ran back to catch the last train. hahas.

LOVED MY BDAE SO MUCH. but now, i gtg cause i left with only 3 weeks to finish up hw and revision. and in the 3 weeks, there are so many days that i'm not going to be free so.. JiaYous Agnes!

CHEERS-

biggest bitch alive

2010-11-17T18:25:00.007+08:00

"i love you" as a friend...

One thing occupied my mind in the afternoon. you called. but i couldnt listen to your explaination just yet. i just couldnt. hearing your voice... just brought back the dreaded memories of what you did. your indifference. and i could feel the tears. not in my eyes, but i could feel them. and i would not cry for you again.

i hung up. i told my mum and shengying what happened. my mum defended you and SY explained on your behalf. i felt like the biggest bitch alive, not being able to forgive and forget. well, more of the forgive part. im someone who NEVER forgets. i dont feel like a bitch after listening to what they said. i feel like one cause i cant listen to you.

i feel bad for not being able to give you a chance to explain. if i had, maybe we would be on tlaking terms again. i feel bad. but i didnt regret it. i treasure this friendship enough to have gone through so much. giving you chances after chances to explain. but you refused them, or rather, trampled on them.

i called you 5 times the amount you have. messaged you. and even visited your house. you?

now, you have to give me a chance to forgive you. i need you to reassure me that you do care about this relationship. im not angry at you. im DISSAPOINTED. you have to show me that you would go through miles for this friendship. im not expecting you to beg, but you to want this.

from what SY said, i realised that all was a misunderstanding. and i want to explain to you too. but im not too sure if you're worth the trouble at all. so since i cant do so infront of you. i shall just explain here.

1. Bball incident.

ALL the clique's contacts are grouped in my phone. if i were to ask the clique out, EVERYONE will get the msg. its impossible for me to not ask you out when i ask everyone else. besides, when did i ever ask ppl to play bball??

2. you as my entertainer huh?

i call you to pei me everytime im free is because i WANT to spend my free time with you. cause i see you as a very good friend. and you KNOW that every time im free, i would say im bored. DUH. its ok if you dont want to spend all those time with me. you can obviously tell me. or lie. i wouldnt know if you lied would i? but if you didnt like my company, why do you ask me out too? its ok. since you dont want me to ask you out, i wont. i respect your decision. but just make it clear to me, what IS your decision?

3. making you have to stop in the middle of your game to send me home.

i cant believe that you actually brought this incident up to SY. but anyways, since i still see you as a friend (whom i am currently not speaking to now), i shall explain it too. you know i was pissed that night. you know i cant go home that late. i was bugging you to go go go. and you said your game had about 30mins, 45mins to go. you knew. its not as if i was uncaring towards your precious game. i said. I SAID it was ok for me to go home myself. I SAID i would go home myself. YOU didnt let it. YOU said it was ok. so is bringing this up a stab in my back?

loads of questions on my side. will you answer them?

worthy?

2010-11-11T23:22:00.003+08:00

我累了，不想再追究下去。因为今天我发现一件重要的事：
你不值得。

cause you refuse to tell

2010-11-11T01:29:00.004+08:00

its already my 3rd post today.....

im starting to wonder if you were even human. dont even know why you suddenly needed to treat me like this. if i did smth wrong, i've given you more than enough chance to berate me. but you didn't. if i didnt do smth right, i've also given you more than enough chance to tell me. but you didnt. you keep saying it was nothing. so who is the one to apologise?

you? for treating me like this for no possible reason? or me? for any reason which you REFUSE to say. what. WHAT? WHAT is it?!

today i felt like a weight had lifted from my back. and this is no ordinary weight. its PW weight. any JC1 person would tell you how heavy it is. i thought nothing could be heavier, but the weight that was slapped right back on this evening was far heavier. so am i losing a friend?

should i be angry? or should i tear? are you worth it? you why cant you say the reason? you can choose. apologise or explain. there's no neither option. i cried in front of you. but you dint say i was wrong. i bitched about you in your face. but you dint say you were wrong. so who is at fault here?

i've always been me. you changed 180 degrees just for me. no one else. me. such honour. if only i could throw it back into your face. your face, i want to hit; roll my palm into a fist and just swing it through. impact.

how are you able to be soo indifferent to my tears? or so heartless to my vulgarities? you know i hate them. and would never use them unless.... unless smth serious. well, doesnt it show that you actually MEAN smth to me. but do i to you?

dont know who's the idiot here. you, for forsaking this friendship and everything we had. or me, for holding on to them?am i suppose to let go? pretend i've nvr known you. its hard. you're harder than HIM i suppose. i dont know anymore.

and why dont i know. cause someone refuse to tell...

tearing

2010-11-10T23:57:00.001+08:00

breathing has never posed as a challange to me. but trying to do so is hard when tears are welling up in your eyes every second

i want some answers

2010-11-10T20:09:00.002+08:00

I want some answers!
i dont even know what i did.
dont understand if i was wrong,
or you're trying to kid.

and what a day to choose it all!
my spirits high,
you crushed; it fall.

like a punch in the face,
coming from the back of your head,
cause your eyes had no contact with me,
looking as if i was already dead.

dont you know its not nice,
to play with feelings.
it should be a crime,
like murder and stealing.

you're an asshole,
with a nut for a brain.
stabbed me with ignorance and nothing.
my heart bled, cried out in pain.

i want some answers!
now confusion interwoven.
so giddy, spinning!
cant even finish this p...

happiness

2010-11-07T01:43:00.002+08:00

hrm... its quite late le. but not tired so decided to blog... OP is this week. tmr, or rather, today will have our last dry run by our selves. hope we can rock it manz... back is aching from playing too much com. so going to go off soon.

yesterday was damn fun. going out with friends to sentosa, though buying food and getting on monorail experience was terrifying to the extent of inability to describe, simple games like frisbee, volleyball and dunking others into the sea water was hell lot of fun! miss all of em loads.

one more year to go. one more year of mugging hard (JC) and then it will be off to no man's land (uni). and then after that, i shall be fully equipped for battle in the work force. but first, have got to pass the A levels. *roll eyes*

owells. hope everyone was contented with their results. i dont think i ever felt extreme sadness after recieving my paper. disappointment, yes, but no extreme sadness. like i said, working hard may not always reflect on my grades, but not working hard would. so i guess i dont feel sad as i feel that i have tried. :)

it's late already.

nitey nitey

今天，小佳玲在阴暗的走道上散步，雨滴与微风轻轻地亲了她的脸颊。嘴角不禁地往上提，不由自主地漏出了个笑声。脑子里当然是充满了与朋友们分享的愉快的那一天；那幸福的一天。

my game face back on

2010-10-30T14:20:00.002+08:00

it has been quite a long time since my last post. been to the blog quite a number of times, thought about what to blog quite a number of times too. just dint actually bothered to sign in and blog. isnt it lucky that the internet wont ever go mouldy?

got back my promo results already. not exactly estatic but am satisfied. cant ask for too much in life. got B B C D E for Bio Math Lit Chem and GP respectively. got to work on GP and chem. i guess i improved on most of my subjects except math. but think i deserved it for neglecting it.

yesterday i saw tears. practically flooding the LT. and i also saw joy bobbing in the sea. there was also others, though having diasppointment on their faces, kept their shoulders' strong for another disappointed face.

People were all thinking about their future. some thinking about the near future- how to break the news to their parents. some thinking abit futher- about whether they would get promoted. some worry about their A level grades, some worry about their career. the better ones were thinking about the extra H3 they would apply, while the satisfied ones thought about the ways to celebrate. yes, everyone was thinking about their future. i was thinking... cant remember it.

PW OP is comming up. and i think im far from ready. dont know how im fairing but im not as confident as i think i should be. people seem to not give me any comments at all. good or bad, there cant be no comments at all. i want concrete advice. i want to get better. this is not helping.

maybe i should get back to doing up my I&R... everything is sucking the life out of me. dont know how i used to be able to embrace everything that was shot at me. dont know how i used to be able to juggle everything. why is now so little, so boring, yet so exhausting? needa get my game face back on.

caught cha

2010-10-16T12:07:00.008+08:00

Caught Cha
"I need you in this tub!
One brewing so green,
With bubbles of hate
And ingredients of mean.

A sprinkle of petals
From Sanguinaria Canadensis¹.
A dash of black widows
Glued to wings of Morpho Peleides².

Stir it with a bone
From a dinosaur’s paw.
Now, a few more earwigs.
Yes, in they fall!

Turn up the heat,
And ground hard those flies.
Make sure you don’t forget
To marinate the mice!

Put all those lizards in
Don’t let them go to waste,
And drop in a few eyeballs
Just to enhance the taste.

To give it a crunch,
Hrm, what shall I pick?
Ah, a few clipped toenails
Shall do the trick!

Bob your head in!
I’d like you well-done.
You know you can’t escape
So don’t try to run.

You should have known better
Than to be the snitch.
Guess that’s what you’ll get
For messing with a witch!”

¹ scientific name for the poisonous Bloodroot flower
² scientific name for the Common Blue Morpho butterfly

post promo

2010-10-06T16:18:00.002+08:00

ok, so yesterday i had my last two promo papers. dint think i did very well for promos but shall heck it and enjoy (while i can) now (before results are released). reached home round 11+ yesterday after leaving bryan's house where he studied and i lazzed around. he looked stressed about math, but no one could beat han jun's face during dinner. owels, hope he felt better after my treat. :) (stupid $5.50 mango smoothie...)

ok, so anyway, i was thinking yesterday night whether to do smth sweet for them to encourage them for math. but i was too lazy. so now i shall encourage them for chem instead. hang in there friends!!

arhs.. but im too lazy again... guess that's what post-promo syndrome does to you.. hahas.

missing the feeling of hating love

2010-09-27T17:36:00.003+08:00

missing the feeling of hating love
I have always been skeptical about many things.
Skeptical of this, skeptical of that,
yet until now, I still do not know what skeptical really means.

Recall the endeavors behind my moon;
every struggle so fancifully dined,
cocktails of poison so carefully concocted.
But I survived.

I survived by making myself survive.
The power all in my hands
to crush everything in my way-
(who am I kidding?)

I was never in favor.
Of jealousy and envy and
of pure dislike.
But I knew I was the middle class,
I was adroit.
And the cherry on the sundae,
was the love of young boys' hearts
Devoured!
Leaving only the branched skeleton.

Similarly now, but
I am on the other side.
Never liked love still,
Never loved one.
Full of envy and jealousy,
still disliked, yet as clever as a mad cow eating mead.
Self pity is ambivalent.

The pleasure of seeing a young boy's heart served
never appeared recent,
till here.
Why don’t I love one?
Why does it not skip a beat for any?
Conscience,
never thought I had it,
dug its way out of grounds to me.
Can’t slap a heart off the platter and smear it with feetsweat anymore.

I am no longer up there on the throne.
Just a lonely peasant,
feeling sad to say no
to a farmer's boy.

sick

2010-09-25T11:24:00.000+08:00

slept at 6.30pm yesterday. woke up at 8am today. what sickness can do to you is amazing...

he's nice, but...

2010-09-17T23:23:00.004+08:00

ok, so exams comming... just like every other time, me have high aims, low expectations, still slacking, should start working but not working, cross fingers and wack. loads of stuff to do, but cant start since its friday = rest day.

everyone needs a rest day. its important. anyone who doesnt have it, need to have a life. life is important. it keeps us living, so my bio teachers say. i guess its true. dead people dont have a life, thus they do not live. im blabbering now. shall move on.

today was techniquecally mostly quite fun. everything seems to be like how i want it except for one tiny little thing. my PW teacher is starting to piss me off. not that he is a bad person, but the way he carry himself and his utter lack of knowledge of the requirements of PW.

it was a total waste of 1hr and 15mins with him today.
number #1: berated our project in front of the class without asking. the berating part im ok with, but the permission lacking part of it, i dont feel too positive about.
number #2: like to talk about things that are irrelevant such as playing soccer, eating, his wife, his life, etc etc.
number #3: wasting precious time by repeating and repeating and repeating everything that ms moureen ng said in the 15mins she used. oh, and counts 22 uneeded words of the 3000 word limit. all BECAUSE he knows nothing that is required of us!! (ms ng contradicted so many things he said!)
number #4: keeps a flippant attitude towards his reservice doing us all a DISservice!

i want to get an A. he's a nice guy. but this "nice" attitude, with nice being the MOST insincere word in the dictionary, i highly doubt he has the ability to get me there. consulting other teachers, in my point of view, is a must now.

can i have a change of teacher to a more experienced one? cause im not so trusting to my teacher who has PW in its infancy stage.

first day of school or last day of survival?

2010-09-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

OMG i cant believe im still up at 11++ doing homework. of course im doing my holiday homework, but i did have to do new homework set today and due tmr morning assembly. how nice right? talk about transition period. no, just come to school happy, energised, yet to be slapped in the face with cold reality that promos and comming and im lagging like shit. so much homework... im drowning!!

GP: esaay outline.... and summary of main points of EVERY para and metatextual questions for TWO compre. how to finish by today since tommorow is just 40mins away. this sucks. i still have to sit for my makeup timed compre i missed today, i think. argh... back to attempting to complete my homework.

sorry

2010-09-09T13:10:00.002+08:00

you may have think i've forgiven you. but i cant just forget all that you've done to such a good friend of mine. i dont think you should expect all that a good friend should do from me. your sms yesterday hit me, but i cant cant make myself reply you. no, not to the 2nd sms. the first? well, i could. but i was tired and it dint occur to me to reply straight away "like a friend would", as you said it. i cant forget it. i'll treat you as a friend, i may think otherwise. yes, im a hyprocrite. but i really cant. my girlfriends mean too much.

life

2010-09-06T22:01:00.003+08:00

LIFE
its all about keeping your hopes and dreams alive
through love and pain; laughter and cries
holding onto faiths when dealing with reality
making new friends, embracing love and family

dont know why im writing this poem
guess i was bored from reading top woman
the throught struck my head while i was lying on my bed
and thus i decided that i should create

to talk about life and all its misgivings
all the great things which education is missing
all the set backs which we have to take
all the hard decisions which we have to make

but to just say this is an understatement
dont you remember the great big agreement?
that for every sucky thing, there will be one awesome
for every delicious, there will be one grossome

so with obstacles, there will be friends
whose helping hands would be glad lend
and family who will be there always
supporting through night and encouraging through day

so there's nothing to fear when facing life
no need to retreat, be angry or sigh
so stand up straight and aim for mars
shine down the spotlight and you're a superstar

my cleaner friend

2010-09-06T21:47:00.002+08:00

ok, today's post's intention is abit different from any of my posts ever since i started this blog. today's post is due to the pressure from a friend. this friend is very special. he helps to keep our sch canteen clean by wiping one part of one table everyday early in the morning. he is super mugger and makes me feel like the ultimate slacker ever. yet, today i saw another side of him during bio concentration camp. hahas. dont want to say it least he kills me (though i think this para is sufficient to boil his blood). and in order not to embarass him in this blog, i shant announce that his name is WEE BOON. ;) *winks*

ps. pun in title

im complicated

2010-09-04T22:03:00.002+08:00

im complicated? i just do stuff, some which i let you see on purpose and some i dont. i say stuff, some which are real and some, not lies, but unreal. i do nothing but stare at you to make you think of alot more than you should. i raise a hand and you just imagine how surreal this is. im walking nowand your mind goes bonkers by thinking of what i will do next. i still dont say a word and yet you look like you're about to pull out your hair. i move closer and you cant breathe. i move away and you feel grieved. i swagger away, leaving you with nothing.

ok, if you think that this para had any significance to my life, you're wrong. well, a bit right. the feeling you get is right. actually, its not. the first sentence is a right question. i have no answer to that, unfortunately. i just happened to want to pen that down. is that how you feel? did i depict it correctly? (with you being a specific group of people) (and i being i, although the i in the para is another specific group of people)

wowz

2010-09-01T22:26:00.002+08:00

ok.... i was about to write the blog about the big revealation i had today after sleeping till noon, but i just had to receive a call so timely to do the WR.... how nice. so i guess i shall stop here and get to things.

supposed to be stress but not its not my job

2010-08-29T16:19:00.004+08:00

was supposed to be doing lit graded assignment now since its due tmr and i havent started on it. but circumstances changed and im supposed to do pw now, which is also due tmr. plus, i havebio and chem hw due tmr, with bio and math tests to study. which i have all not started. so it kinda means im not supposed to be doing this now. but hey, shall heck them for now.

went to my blog, which is this one. yes, the current one you're looking at now. dint want to blog at first, just wanted to peek at who had tagged me. nothing different. the only thing that changed is that WX tagged. but i've already replied her, so its not new news. then i realised that her name had the linky thingy, and found out that she had moved her blog. went to read it and found out its kinda started off gloomy so i shall start preaching to her with wise words of wisdom. (its kinda repetition- wise and wisdom)

normally, i would spam her tagbox with my wiseness but her new blog has no tagbox, or at least i cant find it, so i shall write em' here. :) WANXIN!!! smile more. laugh more. and if you think its too hard to do that, look into the mirror. or, alternatively (pw), you can look at my photo! and its ok to cry when you feel like it! as l0ng as you collect your tears so that you dont waste water! (its a limited resource) smile smile smile. love your blogskin. dont change!!

owells, at least your recent posts sounds less sad and more happy and funny and weird. (which is typical normal wanxin) hahas. miss you loads. muacks.

ok. so since im done with this and changing her link, i shall get back to chionging hw, mugging tests, and hating Tess durbeyville. think i spelled wrongly, but i dont care. hate her/it (depending on if you see her as female or paper). byes for now. adieous!

oh shit tmr still got TDC rehearsal... as backstage assistant manager, i cant stand it when ppl dont listen to direct instruction. as a crew member, i cant stand the way the concert manager is not involved yet gives criticism and shows a black face when things dont go her way and she does nothing. as a performer and part of TDC, i cant stand the way the teacher also shows a black face and does not acknowledge that CT reps are doing her a favour to organise this and not she doing us a favour in crticising us. as an NJCian, i cant stand how the concert is quite shitty( aka, i wouldnt even want to go for TDC) yet, im in no position to give my comments about them. im in to position to thank the CT reps for their help. im in no position to do anthing but follow instructions, take their shit, and make sure ppl are where they are suppose to be on that day.

reality

2010-08-27T02:02:00.003+08:00

wow. cant believe YOG is over already. kinda regret not enjoying the process, although i haveto admit it was kinda tough and tiring. hahas. today was funny... 2 atheletes hitted on me. and in order to not sound so full of myself, i would let your imagination fly and stop describing what happened. moreover, i felt so important infront of a contingent of policemen... cause its so late now, shall not describe either... come ask me if you wanna know.

i have got to stop being such a spoilt brat whenever i dont get thingsi want.is it the fatigue that brings me down? or is it the pre-sighted fatigue? im not putting up a front. at least i hope im not. i dont think i am. i dont feel so. but the pain of putting up a front is just as painful as the pain i feel somewhere. unknowns are so scary but that's reality. tmr is a long day cut down by half and plus an extended rehearsal. tmr is reality.