Why can't i be just like him?!

"why can't i be just like him?!"

remember those tantrum days when you want to be that person so badly cause he has like the brand new toy you really really want but don't have? of course right now you don't see every adult going like this, but maybe in their mind, it's a whole different story.

i remember that whenever i was asked if there was someone i idolized, i'd say "no". this was probably cause i was either too embarass to admit that or that there was really no one whom i idolized. think it was the latter one... *looks away*

haha. but i've been thinking lately, maybe i dont have a one and only super hero in my world, or at least the real world. maybe i think that if i had traits which others had, my life may feel much easier to handle.

went to bensee's blog recently and he was doing this 10 days, 10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1 things. (the reason why i listed it all out was cause i was too lazy to count or rather too lazy to open up my com's calculator to count) i thought it was kinda cool and wanted to try it out. but got lazy... lagged a few days. then he wrote other posts and THE POST kinda went out of screen. went to his archives but it just wont show me the post. got sian of trying and blog hopped back here.

long story short, i guess, one of bensee's traits is kinda maybe what i'd like to have. the reason why i said "one of bensee's traits" is cause i forgot what trait it was. like i said, i lagged afew days already.... yeap, but bensee is someone i prob look up to (for some reason that i've yet recall, but it'll get back to me... someday).

another person i think is Audrina. i just like the way she can just move on without regrets in what ever she does. she could forsake everything, even if she was on top of her game, and move on, be happy and never look back. (ok, some times she does look back and laugh. oh, and did i mention things just works out for her in the end.) i on the other hand, cant. even if i weren't on top of my game, i tend to hold on to everything i have. this is becoming bad. cause it's making me think twice before i go on to grab another opportunity... if only i could say "i dont want this anymore" and actually let go, my life would probably be happier. (or at least easier)

ok, so those i kinda the 2 people i admire a lil'. after the days of lagging, their names just keep coming to mind when ever i feel like writing this long dued post. hahas. *looks away again*

hahas. hrm... my twitter account is so no happening. i'm not doing anth with it... -.- just followed bensee though... but still not commenting on anth.... guess im just lazy (but i think you guys would have already caught that long ago)

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

ok today i went on twitter which is new to me. decided to tweet but dint know what to. since my past 2 (and only 2) tweets were all about how bored i was, i shall make my third special, by tweeting when i wasnt bored. so yea. i dint tweet.

i decided to follow people. so i went to go look and look. but no one caught my eye. i typed poems but nothing really made me wanna look at their tweets. so i thought... it has been a long long time since i wrote a poem. and here i am.

ok, so this poem, i have like no inspiration at all...

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
Yet still not a thought in mind.
With such a short time, my brain seems blind,
Oh, none of my words are linking!

Got to get my head to make phrases,
And stanzas and verses four.
But it would be gore, to talk about war,
I feel like I’m lost in mazes!

So now I’m in a dead end again,
Trying to make this work.
No ideas do lurk, I’m definitely not perk.
Damn, I’m getting a migraine!

Come on, subjects fly to me,
Or else this poem won’t start!
With all my heart, I’m thinking but
It’s inspiration I lack, you see!

bored

ok. today i turned bryan down to go to his house to play so that i could do my work... my plan so failed... then sy asked me out to study, but the only place i could think of to study outside would be bryan's house. so that failed... now waiting to go out later around 8pm++.. bored now...

Happy Holiday

it has been so long since i blogged... princesses-wana-be has been sleeping. but she's up and going now... (i hope)

came back from Hainan. which was really fun :) my neighbour really knows how to plan a vacation. but, so many things happened and oh my god the cleaniness of that place...... that i cant describe it all here. well, i can, but im lazy.. yeap. so wont be doing a hainan post here.

it has been more than a week since i came back so many things to cover today. i hope i cover them. am kinda lazy....

the very next day after arrival i met up with sheng ying and had a good time. just gonna state it here, (check her blog to find out more).

the day that i really want to cover is last tuesday. 14 DEC. MY BIRTHDAY!! it was a good birthday. started off with NANDINI waking me up for a morning surprise. Loved it. but it gave me panda eyes too.

then was homework (which sounds bad) and Bryan (which makes it sound a little less bad) hahas. then i had lunch with Jarjar!! whoo!! havent seen her for a very very long time already. bryan came late, so he dint get to eat (aka lied to his mom). then we went to popular to get a few things (that obviously he paid cause he's like that and too stubborn to listen to us when we said no)

this is the sounds really weird part. bryan and i went to help his mom with the groceries at NTUC, then went wine tasting which was AWESOME. after that by the time we went back to homework, nic woke up and has done the math question that i left blank. so yea, if you havent noticed, we patched back. this rocked.

then bryan had to go swimming while me, sheng ying, cheowlin, kelvin, nic, shao heng, terrence and wei le went for dinner at pizza hut. BIRTHDAY SPECIAL (complementary cake) + CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (complementary singing of "i'm yours" with guitar by an employee) + NIC D SPECIAL (asking for complementary singing of "happy birthday" by the employee and friends) ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.. HAHAS. P.S. the guy sang flat. but its ok. :)

then we went for pool cause there was no where else to go. CL and SY didnt like the idea but they still went. i guess cause of me. BFFL man!! bryan came later, and the girls went off soon after cause they had to and were getting sian.

i reached home really late that night. 12++am. cause of the guys, refusing to leave... but i guess i was really pampered. all of them (with the exception of terrence), that's 5 guys, sent me home all the way to the doorstep. then they ran back to catch the last train. hahas.

LOVED MY BDAE SO MUCH. but now, i gtg cause i left with only 3 weeks to finish up hw and revision. and in the 3 weeks, there are so many days that i'm not going to be free so.. JiaYous Agnes!

CHEERS-

biggest bitch alive

"i love you" as a friend...

One thing occupied my mind in the afternoon. you called. but i couldnt listen to your explaination just yet. i just couldnt. hearing your voice... just brought back the dreaded memories of what you did. your indifference. and i could feel the tears. not in my eyes, but i could feel them. and i would not cry for you again.

i hung up. i told my mum and shengying what happened. my mum defended you and SY explained on your behalf. i felt like the biggest bitch alive, not being able to forgive and forget. well, more of the forgive part. im someone who NEVER forgets. i dont feel like a bitch after listening to what they said. i feel like one cause i cant listen to you.

i feel bad for not being able to give you a chance to explain. if i had, maybe we would be on tlaking terms again. i feel bad. but i didnt regret it. i treasure this friendship enough to have gone through so much. giving you chances after chances to explain. but you refused them, or rather, trampled on them.

i called you 5 times the amount you have. messaged you. and even visited your house. you?

now, you have to give me a chance to forgive you. i need you to reassure me that you do care about this relationship. im not angry at you. im DISSAPOINTED. you have to show me that you would go through miles for this friendship. im not expecting you to beg, but you to want this.

from what SY said, i realised that all was a misunderstanding. and i want to explain to you too. but im not too sure if you're worth the trouble at all. so since i cant do so infront of you. i shall just explain here.

1. Bball incident.

ALL the clique's contacts are grouped in my phone. if i were to ask the clique out, EVERYONE will get the msg. its impossible for me to not ask you out when i ask everyone else. besides, when did i ever ask ppl to play bball??

2. you as my entertainer huh?

i call you to pei me everytime im free is because i WANT to spend my free time with you. cause i see you as a very good friend. and you KNOW that every time im free, i would say im bored. DUH. its ok if you dont want to spend all those time with me. you can obviously tell me. or lie. i wouldnt know if you lied would i? but if you didnt like my company, why do you ask me out too? its ok. since you dont want me to ask you out, i wont. i respect your decision. but just make it clear to me, what IS your decision?

3. making you have to stop in the middle of your game to send me home.

i cant believe that you actually brought this incident up to SY. but anyways, since i still see you as a friend (whom i am currently not speaking to now), i shall explain it too. you know i was pissed that night. you know i cant go home that late. i was bugging you to go go go. and you said your game had about 30mins, 45mins to go. you knew. its not as if i was uncaring towards your precious game. i said. I SAID it was ok for me to go home myself. I SAID i would go home myself. YOU didnt let it. YOU said it was ok. so is bringing this up a stab in my back?

loads of questions on my side. will you answer them?

worthy?

我累了，不想再追究下去。因为今天我发现一件重要的事：
你不值得。

cause you refuse to tell

its already my 3rd post today.....

im starting to wonder if you were even human. dont even know why you suddenly needed to treat me like this. if i did smth wrong, i've given you more than enough chance to berate me. but you didn't. if i didnt do smth right, i've also given you more than enough chance to tell me. but you didnt. you keep saying it was nothing. so who is the one to apologise?

you? for treating me like this for no possible reason? or me? for any reason which you REFUSE to say. what. WHAT? WHAT is it?!

today i felt like a weight had lifted from my back. and this is no ordinary weight. its PW weight. any JC1 person would tell you how heavy it is. i thought nothing could be heavier, but the weight that was slapped right back on this evening was far heavier. so am i losing a friend?

should i be angry? or should i tear? are you worth it? you why cant you say the reason? you can choose. apologise or explain. there's no neither option. i cried in front of you. but you dint say i was wrong. i bitched about you in your face. but you dint say you were wrong. so who is at fault here?

i've always been me. you changed 180 degrees just for me. no one else. me. such honour. if only i could throw it back into your face. your face, i want to hit; roll my palm into a fist and just swing it through. impact.

how are you able to be soo indifferent to my tears? or so heartless to my vulgarities? you know i hate them. and would never use them unless.... unless smth serious. well, doesnt it show that you actually MEAN smth to me. but do i to you?

dont know who's the idiot here. you, for forsaking this friendship and everything we had. or me, for holding on to them?am i suppose to let go? pretend i've nvr known you. its hard. you're harder than HIM i suppose. i dont know anymore.

and why dont i know. cause someone refuse to tell...

tearing

breathing has never posed as a challange to me. but trying to do so is hard when tears are welling up in your eyes every second

I want some answers

I want some answers!
i dont even know what i did.
dont understand if i was wrong,
or you're trying to kid.

and what a day to choose it all!
my spirits high,
you crushed; it fall.

like a punch in the face,
coming from the back of your head,
cause your eyes had no contact with me,
looking as if i was already dead.

dont you know its not nice,
to play with feelings.
it should be a crime,
like murder and stealing.

you're an asshole,
with a nut for a brain.
stabbed me with ignorance and nothing.
my heart bled, cried out in pain.

i want some answers!
now confusion interwoven.
so giddy, spinning!
cant even finish this p...

happiness

hrm... its quite late le. but not tired so decided to blog... OP is this week. tmr, or rather, today will have our last dry run by our selves. hope we can rock it manz... back is aching from playing too much com. so going to go off soon.

yesterday was damn fun. going out with friends to sentosa, though buying food and getting on monorail experience was terrifying to the extent of inability to describe, simple games like frisbee, volleyball and dunking others into the sea water was hell lot of fun! miss all of em loads.

one more year to go. one more year of mugging hard (JC) and then it will be off to no man's land (uni). and then after that, i shall be fully equipped for battle in the work force. but first, have got to pass the A levels. *roll eyes*

owells. hope everyone was contented with their results. i dont think i ever felt extreme sadness after recieving my paper. disappointment, yes, but no extreme sadness. like i said, working hard may not always reflect on my grades, but not working hard would. so i guess i dont feel sad as i feel that i have tried. :)

it's late already.

nitey nitey

今天，小佳玲在阴暗的走道上散步，雨滴与微风轻轻地亲了她的脸颊。嘴角不禁地往上提，不由自主地漏出了个笑声。脑子里当然是充满了与朋友们分享的愉快的那一天；那幸福的一天。