Felt almost terrible today. I do not understand why I even bother to put up a façade. It was as if I had to. Though, feeling like crap inside, I just had to put up a front for the others. It was a fucked up day. Yesterday was worse. It seemed like everything was to crash and fall and crumble on me like the ongoing earthquake. But thankfully it wasn’t. Everything crashed, fell and crumbled on me step by step. To be honest and frank, some even made me feel relieved.
I could hear the soft whispering. Yea, like I couldn’t hear what you were trying to say when you were right in front of me. I could see, from the corner of my eye, the disapproving nods. Stuck up asshole. And of course, other people had to do so well, putting on more pressure on pressure. My heart beats faster, whilst another stops. Tears, welled up in my eye sockets, never got to see the light. I need a break. From everything. From life.
Words from teachers, senior and peers. Evil words strangle me and I feel choked. I need someone to hug and cry on. Available shoulders are no longer in stock. The mall is closed and I am the only one trapped behind that glass door. All in a day of a manikin.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
im here
should i press on? things are getting too stressful too soon. and if i do not make it tmr, i dont think the spotlight will ever find me again, even when i stand on centre stage. im so tempted to quit, but too afraid to. i find myself in the same position as i was before. yet till now, i cannot find the will or solution.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
My eyes saw your tears
My eyes saw your tears
I think I may have said too much.
My lips spat, crimson red dripped from his arm.
As though miming in a glass box,
His silent cries resonated in my head
Tear by tear by tear by… I fell down.
Guys. Hard, but fragile;
Armored, but not impermeable;
Resolute, but huMAN.
May be it was the unreachable badge,
Or the key at hand.
But I felt my tongue slice through you.
I think I may have said too much.
My lips spat, crimson red dripped from his arm.
As though miming in a glass box,
His silent cries resonated in my head
Tear by tear by tear by… I fell down.
Guys. Hard, but fragile;
Armored, but not impermeable;
Resolute, but huMAN.
May be it was the unreachable badge,
Or the key at hand.
But I felt my tongue slice through you.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
taking a stroll
i encounted a very interesting conversation yesterday. and i found out how mentally strong or weak i was, comparatively. all these choir talk have been spiralling my mind like some flushing toilet bowl.
complaining, to the strong, was nothing but being feeble. yet, to be able to throw away the redundant was equivalent to an organised secretary. and a good secretary is essential for success.
on a learning journey now. that's how i see it. the road ahead seems really really far. but i look back and see the stretch behind. how do i know im getting better? cause if i was me in the past, i would have never admitted that there was the stretch ahead.
complaining, to the strong, was nothing but being feeble. yet, to be able to throw away the redundant was equivalent to an organised secretary. and a good secretary is essential for success.
on a learning journey now. that's how i see it. the road ahead seems really really far. but i look back and see the stretch behind. how do i know im getting better? cause if i was me in the past, i would have never admitted that there was the stretch ahead.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
how should i push?
ok, i got to go shower and then get ready for chem tuition really soon, so im gonna keep this SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT.
yesterday had choir again. and it was like usual practices. like last year, when we were gearing up for the cork competition. but im different now. i've grown i think. at least that was what my friend told me. but this had nothign to do with choir. yet again, im seeing my juniors, asking the same questions i was asking myself last year. i've answered those questions already, at least most of them. wish i could help, but until they find their own answers, they wont actually feel it.
i think i really really understand how singing is like now. i mean really singing. to immerse yourself into the song and creating cords and whatsoever. so at least that's point for agnes >.<
ok, im digressing. today i want to talk about preaching. scoldings are like pushing someone with your feet, aka, trampling. and if theat person could see herself as a spring, she'll bounce back even higher. but preaching. preaching is weird. i guess i used to like to preach, in a way, i think. maybe i still do. but the thing is that to preach is in directly making yourself feel better. because you'll feel some kind of non-existing power within you. and people who listens to it will feel demoralised . at least some will cause they really did try.
i've always been a leader. at least a leader figure. in the sense that i had titles. i've always been since primary school. every year of my academic life (which almost is all my life cause im not that old and am still schooling) i have been a leader, except this year. not being a leader allowed me to feel what i have not experienced before. and i saw everything i did wrong before. i picture an ideal leader now and im aiming to achieve that, even though im not one now.
but the most important thing i've noticed is that it is uber important to encourage. encouragement, praises and "thank you"s. they work wonders. im not saying that occasional preaching and scoldings are bad, but encouragement should still be the fundamental. people should keep that in mind... and never give up.
ok chem tuition. rushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
yesterday had choir again. and it was like usual practices. like last year, when we were gearing up for the cork competition. but im different now. i've grown i think. at least that was what my friend told me. but this had nothign to do with choir. yet again, im seeing my juniors, asking the same questions i was asking myself last year. i've answered those questions already, at least most of them. wish i could help, but until they find their own answers, they wont actually feel it.
i think i really really understand how singing is like now. i mean really singing. to immerse yourself into the song and creating cords and whatsoever. so at least that's point for agnes >.<
ok, im digressing. today i want to talk about preaching. scoldings are like pushing someone with your feet, aka, trampling. and if theat person could see herself as a spring, she'll bounce back even higher. but preaching. preaching is weird. i guess i used to like to preach, in a way, i think. maybe i still do. but the thing is that to preach is in directly making yourself feel better. because you'll feel some kind of non-existing power within you. and people who listens to it will feel demoralised . at least some will cause they really did try.
i've always been a leader. at least a leader figure. in the sense that i had titles. i've always been since primary school. every year of my academic life (which almost is all my life cause im not that old and am still schooling) i have been a leader, except this year. not being a leader allowed me to feel what i have not experienced before. and i saw everything i did wrong before. i picture an ideal leader now and im aiming to achieve that, even though im not one now.
but the most important thing i've noticed is that it is uber important to encourage. encouragement, praises and "thank you"s. they work wonders. im not saying that occasional preaching and scoldings are bad, but encouragement should still be the fundamental. people should keep that in mind... and never give up.
ok chem tuition. rushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
to save our kind
I finally thought of the word to describe her- DEHUMANIZING
The manipulative mind of hers, obvious to all. Can you imagine the fear she induces by showing blatantly that mind. My only escape was in my skull. Thousands of electrical impulses, for those moments when my eyes seem glued to hers, directed straight in the bridge of her nose. Yet, just a millimeter away, fear pulls them all back. I feel electrocuted.
She addresses everyone. But, from the subtleness of her words, I could feel the phrases pierce me. Bias. It was so evident that even if you have absolutely no neurons, your hair would stand on its ends. If the girls did well, there would hardly be praises. Girls had to be good, for the guys to follow. Guys were okay, guys do their best, and girls don’t. If girls tried their best and were still bad, girls were just lousy and stupid. Skits were taboo. She never wore skirts. In her defense, sometimes she wasn’t in a biased mood. Those times, everyone was lousy and stupid.
She unleashes her true self only after she has the young ones in the palms of her hands, like a Venus fly trap. Every phloem and xylem dilated on Friday and in a quick snap, they were caught. All 32 of them. I tried to be the mediator. No, I was actually just a tape recorder, repeating what the past suffers said. I was sure I hardly meant the noises I made. I wondered if the past were recorders too. Maybe I’ve created a few new DVDs for the following generation. However, I know, what I unspool onto those white screens are necessary for the survival of our kind.
The manipulative mind of hers, obvious to all. Can you imagine the fear she induces by showing blatantly that mind. My only escape was in my skull. Thousands of electrical impulses, for those moments when my eyes seem glued to hers, directed straight in the bridge of her nose. Yet, just a millimeter away, fear pulls them all back. I feel electrocuted.
She addresses everyone. But, from the subtleness of her words, I could feel the phrases pierce me. Bias. It was so evident that even if you have absolutely no neurons, your hair would stand on its ends. If the girls did well, there would hardly be praises. Girls had to be good, for the guys to follow. Guys were okay, guys do their best, and girls don’t. If girls tried their best and were still bad, girls were just lousy and stupid. Skits were taboo. She never wore skirts. In her defense, sometimes she wasn’t in a biased mood. Those times, everyone was lousy and stupid.
She unleashes her true self only after she has the young ones in the palms of her hands, like a Venus fly trap. Every phloem and xylem dilated on Friday and in a quick snap, they were caught. All 32 of them. I tried to be the mediator. No, I was actually just a tape recorder, repeating what the past suffers said. I was sure I hardly meant the noises I made. I wondered if the past were recorders too. Maybe I’ve created a few new DVDs for the following generation. However, I know, what I unspool onto those white screens are necessary for the survival of our kind.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Caged
am in the mood to be a total bitch today. have you ever had like this gush of feelings that dont go away until you find a place for them to leak out of you? yeap i had that, hence im here now.
wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.
im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.
today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.
ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-
oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.
i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!
I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.
tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.
im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.
Caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.
I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.
I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.
I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.
wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.
im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.
today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.
ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-
oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.
i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!
I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.
tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.
im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.
Caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.
I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.
I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.
I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
In hot soup
In hot soup
I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.
Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.
I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.
Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Will I ever get there
Will I ever get there
am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.
i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat
am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.
i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat
Saturday, March 05, 2011
13.49min!!!!
but gonna post something so that my blog doesnt die or herbinate at least. life's getting boring. not breathless cause i cant find the motivation yet to push myself. A level results were released today. felt tingly for the moment but lost it soon.
2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)
have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)
2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)
have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)
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