I trapped a me

I trapped a me
Damn it. You're such a troll,
Playing with my mind. Poking it
With a stick. Filling it with unbalanced sweet silver and gold.
Ugh, you're annoying, omniscient
and pleasant. You boil me in a broth,
Light up the fire; the heat and warmth
And I burn.
What trickery is this? I wish
To learn. So as to do to you what
You did to me- the nicer you are to my heart
the more I feel pain and anguish.
I'm holding onto the one thing I
Still could, though it's eating me alive,
Until you present yourself first, as smth I could chose to buy
And call this possession proudly mine.
Till then, I'm trapped in a cage I set
And everyday, I increase how much I regret.

Saturday

Have been super long since I've gone online. And now that I have, my com just doesn't like it as much as i do. Hence, I'm back on my iPhone. I promised Derek I would blog about yesterday. But I was too physically tired that it was an impossibility. Thus, I am doing so now and hopefully can deliver a much more normal post so that he doesn't see me as some maniac or insanely gothic teenage girl. HAhas. (ps. I'm still a teenager. Miss that??) hAhas.

Yesterday's afternoon outing with Derek was just awesome. It was really fun. Tiring, but nonetheless fun. We literally walked from dhoby ghaut to little India mrt station. (sad to say, I needed to search how to spell dhoby ghaut before writing it down). I enjoyed his company, I really do. Hope he did so too. Lunch was great. Ate black pepper fish at astons while he ate black pepper chicken. We chatted and exchanged bizzar work experiences which we were prohibited to share online. HAhas. He is a good outlet though, I'll give him that. We went to csc later cause we reached farrer park a little bit too early. Bowling was the highlight of the day!! Cause I lost 65 to 112.

Owells, the afternoon was more or less quite great. However, if there was one thing I needed him to improve on, it would be his ability to take hints!! I can't believe he just handed me over to another CCA mate so easily after the countless attempts of me telling him that I was thirsty and wanted him to accompany me to get water. It's not that I do not like him, but he's just not the kind of person I would enjoy spending one on one alone time with... personally.

But still, dinner with pa seniors and peers was quite good, apart from the fact that I was trying my best to keep awake. Eugene was being to mean to that friend of mine. And unfortunately, most of us found it highly entertaining, including me. I feel bad though. We went back to csc after dinner for bowling. I was supposed to lead the way, but you know how well I am with directions. Died on the couch but am pleased that I didn't get the lowest score of the day. Haha.

Going home was planned to be my time to sleep. But my friends constant teasing of my everyday mrt experiences made it essential for my gift of debating to kick in. So sleep was ruled out of the question. Anyway, that's about it. And this abrupt ending is cause of the need for me to get ready for tuition. Gamba te agnes!! :)

Chain me up

What is forbidden is tempting. But the very fact that it is forbidden gives it sufficient body to the act of rejecting temptation. Moreover, circumstantial reasons backs up the act substantially. And this leads to easy decisions on my part cause it seems almost an only one way route to go. Arrows shot either from others or Cupid had not even the slightest chance of penetrating this solid armor of mine. Love seem to come towards me too easily. Love did not manage to integrate into me though. It seemed like if I wanted to, it would be like butter.

No more temptation. For what used to be forbidden is now past tense while I'm moving on to the present too fast for my own sake. The armor depleted and corroded like marble disintegrating upon the caress of acid rain. Exams were over. It should be the time to party. It is the time to party. But with whom? The building of common identity amongst the XY sex had removed them from my current pool of friends and has put me into a situation where I am forced to meet new older guys, some of which with the potential of melting my heart like a hot iron on plastic. And yet, there isn't any more reason to dodge any sharp pointed sticks, launched by a bow.

It becomes hard when you know it is no longer a one way route to go. I may need to start reciprocating feelings. That is scary. Of course I have not gone cold turkey during the forbidden times. Flirting was a distressing hobby that sometimes go too far and start give some abrasions to their tender heart. But reciprocating feelings. That's the challenge. How am I going to keep myself safe when I feel more vulnerable? Flirting empowers when you are hollow inside and he presents only his insides. But now... I'm only left with my shield and sword. No more chunky metal frame.

What should I do then? I'm going to expand my shield. Until I meet the right guy whom I know I do not just want to slice, like a piece of sushi. maybe I'll drop my sword for him, when he promises to use his insides to be my new impenetrable armor. The process would be hard cause I do not have total control of this game anymore. It's no longer a beauty pageant where I am the judge who dictates who makes the cut. I am searching and finding for that tree whom I'll be willing to chain myself to when the world starts killing the environment for their economic gains again.

Proving

I know I've been cold towards you. I don't know how you feel about that. But I guess somewhere deep inside, I hope it's driving you mad. I don't know if I'm trying to prove to you or to myself that I do not need you. Yeapp, you heard me. I can take care of myself. Well, I'm proving it now. Waiting is no longer what you can hold over me cause 15 mins is the max dearie. It's the max.

The new boy

I don't know you well enough. But you are mature and immature the right ways. You are stable. You've got the brains and status. You are someone I know I can compete with. You can allow yourself to let me win when I want it, just to make me happy. I flirt and you flirt back. Aestheticwise, you're not too bad. I may be attracted, I've got to admit. Very eligible. But are you the full package?? I need to know you better first. I've got my eye on you and maybe you've got your eye on me. Touchy touchy. We're touchy towards each other though I've only seen you 4 times and spoke 3 times of the 4. You allow me to be physically close without giving me permission. I do the same. We try to keep our distances though. I know I do. But don't worry. I want to know you better and we'll see how it goes from there

Trusting you once more

I don't understand how this work. I'm confused and a tat bit scared. Anxious is an understatement. But just for you, I'll go with the flow. Please don't hurt me like the heels I wore today.

Still I got to admit, I was, at the very least, pleased.

Rolling my eyeys

I was exaggerating you dumbass. And through the time frame you shouldve known when I wrote it. It's ironic how I push you a way, further from me when I already felt so invisible with you. No, I feel like an obstruction. Maybe this is a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt again. Thinking back gives me shudders. Even more ironic is the fact that this method was derived or inspired by you. I remembered us patching back after our fight yesterday. And then when I checked my phone, I realized that it was just a dream of mine.

再见会不会再见？

感觉不到你与我的友情了。当我的面与别人通电话说没人了。未免也太残酷了吧。算了，就让你走你的，我走我的。如果侥幸遇见了，就勉强吭出一声：＂你好！＂若得走一样的路，你就走在前方吧。让我能在后面默默地想念着昨日的美好，表面上却假装着不认识。再见了。

My path

My path
Move aside and get out of my way.
I don't need you guys to destroy my day.
This is my life. I make the decisions.
Stop experimenting on me; stop making incisions.
You have the best in mind, but that ain't an action plan.
I know what I want; I do what I like with my own feet and hands.
Yes, you gave them to me. I'm grateful to you.
But a gift, once given, can't be returned. You know the rule.
So stop interfering. You ain't know nothing.
My mind is a secret. You're not allowed near it.
Maybe one day you'll learn what ears are for.
You've spoken so much while my words you ignore.
I am still vibrant. I want to see the world.
I'm not an old lady or still a five year old girl.
You've got to understand that I have been trying.
So stop budging in and leaving my crying.
These tears just make me stronger and I'll show you I can live.
I have my own list of chores I promise to finish before I leave.
Patience is a virtue. All I'm asking is for you to wait.
When I come back here, believe me, soaring is what you shall spectate!

朋友

不知道为什么今夜特别多感情，可能是洗澡吧、我通常洗澡都会想些无聊事。说出来还蛮不好意思的、希望我在下面想说说的那些人看了不会飞上天。

吴巧琳。想想看、若是四年前的我，不可能会想象出我们会有这么深刻的友情。在中二那短时期，我们虽然坐的位置很接近彼此，但两个人搜说不出几句话。到现在，我只记得她曾经说过的一句话：＂我把你养得这么大，你还.......＂。她这句话还说不完就开始大笑了。因该是从中三建立感情吧。我们虽然很不同但这搭配还蛮好的。＂一个像夏天，一个像秋天＂很恰当！家伟。这个人，我连何时认识他也不知道，只记得他以前一直买零食给我吃（害得我现在变得这么胖）。可能就是从哪儿开始变得越来越近的吧。谁知道今天会是我其中一个知己。

好了好了，我也累了。改次再继续写吧。已经很晚了，先睡吧。

李佳玲留笔