- Music -

Words feed and music heals but performance inspires the soul.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Pushing Buttons

Pushing Buttons
Stop pushing my button-
my belly button.
It belongs to me.
Have you forgotten?

You remember the time when
it once connected us.
We shared a cord that
wrapped and strangled as I gasp.

It was snipped and we cried;
You, tears of joy.
I, tears of loss.
And to the womb I waved goodbye.

For a good decade, you held my hand
and it connected us.
We shared a bond that
made us smile and laugh and smile again.

It was relaxed and we were unaware;
You, busy with life.
I, busy planning life.
And out of your protection, the dangers I bare.

Twenty years went by so soon; too soon.
and it alerted us.
But we shared a tie that
remains even if either one was on the moon.

It was invisible and we lost sight;
You, fear of loss.
I, fear of captivity.
And I struggle hard from the restrains you hold tight.

You there! Hey! Stop pushing my button!
My belly button.
Proof of our relations.
On common ground we stand, all is forgiven.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Harbin

Day 1
I can't believe how freaking cold it is! You smoke without a cigarette, glass become opaque in the day and people are wrapped in more layers than rice dumplings. Guess what? It's not even the coldest yet! Day 2 and 3 are estimated to be the worst torture that we have bestowed upon ourselves but I pray to just survive today!

What was I thinking, coming to a place like this? Well, despite having to endure the negative degree Celsius weather, the place does show off its beauty to the fullest. Snow, a rarity in Singapore, is everywhere. The whole place coated by tiny frozen water droplets. It is breathtaking. Of course, I'd be able to soak in its glamour much better if we had better protective gear so we went to buy them at a "convenient" store. Yea. That HELPS.

Food! China's food is not bad and they have rocking xiao long bao. But airplane food.... Well, the fact that it is called "airplane food" speaks for itself.

Anyway,talking about painstakingly enduring the cold, my family had to also endure the pain in the ass that is the Shanghai customs. Apparently, the customs required us to pick up our baggage and check them in again during transit at shanghai although the label shows that they would be directly transferred to harbin. Owells, our luggage got flown over and touched down at about 11+pm (sky was pitch dark at 5pm). May tomorrow be of less hassle, less cold and more fun.

Oh, I got to admit, I miss him a lil bit. :)


Day 2
We are on our way to stay at a home in a village where the scenery is said to be awesome. The scenery on the road is quite breathtaking. Conifer trees and bare trees dot the sidewalks with snow as a constant solid background. It's too bad that the glass is frosted so bad that you just see white and brown blurs. You can only witness this beauty through the front windshield that is heated to prevent the frosty phenomenon.

Omg. We went horse sleigh riding and it. was. fun! The horses were hairy gigantic beasts that were more muscular than any guy I've seen face to face. We set mini fireworks off and it was almost a complete success if nothing did hit my face -.- We also went snow sliding. It's kinda like what we have in snow city but so much more fun. I had a blast.

Snow along the road was shin deep. You think you'll be fine stepping on it, only to find out that you fallen into its cheeky trap. You lose your balance and seek refuge with your other feet. The snow mocks you as you once again fall for the very same trick.

It is part of the experience we paid for to get "robbed" and see how robbers used to live in holes in the snow. I was fortunate enough to be the chosen one, amongst the vast number of people, to be pulled off and held hostage with a knife at the back of my neck. And how much more luck can you get to be the chosen one twice? I whined during the second time and the "robber" laughed before letting me go.

The whole place was like Narnia before the siblings came but with a joyous atmosphere. It was as if a authoritarian mine took over and dictated for all things to be white and brown. You see colour only when you look into the frozen pond, which is surrounded with more snow. It is interesting to see how different the result is when tiny water droplets freeze together and when tiny frozen water droplets clump together.

As we approached our destination at the top of the mountain, the severity of frost was evident. Fog formed from my breath was freezing up on my glasses. It was almost impossible to see where I was going. Snow was almost as tall as I was. Just as I thought we were never going to find an oasis of heat, we reached our destination. The people were lovely and they taught me how to make dumplings from scratch. Awesome. Maybe I'll make some for him next time...haha...if I succeed.


Day 3
Note to self: sleeping on a hardwood bed is not a fun experience.

I woke up with a aching pain in my back and probably slightly swollen eyes from the lack of sleep. The temperature is about 28-30 degrees below zero but it felt warmer than yesterday. This is probably because I am slowly getting accustomed to the weather. After washing up with icy cold water, we head out to play in the snow.

The snow was more than waist deep and a funny sight to watch one try to get up after falling in. We rolled around in it, throw snow whatever-shapes at each other and took photos like our lives depended on it. My glasses frosted so bad, I ditched them. My eyelashes were dotted with ice droplets from my breath. I have become one with the snow.

Yea, of course that is only my own thoughts. The weather thought differently and brought upon wind. Wind is a terrifying element that shows as much mercy as a tornado does to a herd of unsuspecting cows.

We spent the rest of the day traveling towards Chang bai shan. Omg. It was a literal pain in the butt. I slept through all that I can and was left with counting the minutes on the bus. Today is officially the longest one yet.

After 10 hours of a grueling ride, we finally reached out hotel. The comfortability of the rooms makes it so worth it. The toilet was just plain bliss.


Day 4
It snowed!!! Omg you have no idea how excited we were. It was awesome. Snowflakes brought me into a korean drama and I found myself sticking my tongue out to taste nature.

We ventured to the top of the mountains as the snow grew heavier. In case you are wondering, snow does come down as huge white balls. The tiny almost-microscopic flakes flies everywhere like a lost bumble bee till it finds the best flower to reside on. Wind grew stronger and snowflakes quickly became bullet pellets that I fear.

It was crazy at the top. The wind was merciless to the point that I felt like a human kite on a string. You were blown to whichever direction the wind permits and you lose most control of your feet. It wasn't long till I found myself on all fours.

After a horrible experience of being "pushed around", we went on to look at the waterfall. If you think watching free flow of water pouting down from a great height is flabbergasting, just imagine the stretch of water frozen stiff. Yet, water underneath is still pouring so you see this magnificent ice sculpture with the trickle of water sounds.

After enjoying the weather, we went for some hot stuff- BBQ Lunch. It was fun and awesome. The one downside I'd say is that most of the food was spicy and I ended lunch with a very very sore mouth. When lunch ended, we pretty much had nothing on anymore so we went shopping and that's about it.


Day 5
Skiing! We went skiing today and it was awesome for those who actually have a flair for the sport. I had nothing more than a tiny speck of natural talent. I skied, tumbled, rolled, fell and enjoyed making all sorts of shapes with the snow. Hahaha. My butt hurts even now and I thrashed my sunglasses. Thank god I chose to wear my contacts rather than specs today. Skiing. Is. Tiring.

After trying to use the hand and leg muscles that I do not possess, we went for a treat at the spa. It was so awesome. Awesome awesome awesome. For the first time, we are experiencing heat here. It was fun as we played games to get ppl to go into the cold pool haha. It's funny to see others squirm.

I texted him yesterday night and it felt good ^^ awww...


Day 6
Today we did a little exploring at the Chao Xian Zu's place. Their customs are very similar to the Koreans even though they are from china.

After which we went to Wu song dao for another night on a charcoal bed. Food there was good and their fish was great. To think the fish was from the same river as the diner that we went to a few days back. The only difference was the fish at the diner were 5 times bigger and definitely much more expensive.

It seems as though we were cursed. We went to Xue Xiang at its coldest, we went to Chang Bai Shan when the wind was at its peak and now we are at Wu Song Dao on the coldest day it has ever experienced. I do hope charcoal is enough to keep us warm. The good news is that there is wifi and I found myself whatsapping away with him.

It was an eventful night as I saw my glass fill up time and again with wine and beer. We chatted through the evening till we had to shut up because the owners had to sleep.


Day 7
The charcoal was nowhere enough and we woke up with a lousy start as the water taps stopped working. My deduction is that the water probably froze inside. We ended up having to scramble for any water we have with us to wash up.

It was too early to wake up. I couldn't believe that I was waking up at times earlier than when I had to for school. But the scenery was magnificent. The trees were white with ice and snow. This is a sight you don't see when the sun starts to rise.

We took a boat to sail across the river. The icy cold river. You could see the boat breaking through the ice leaving chunks of white rocks floating in the midst of the transparent waters. At the snow covered island, it was tiring to even walk on as snow was shin deep. It was a pain to raise and step and raise and step. A good morning work out that I didn't sign up for. It was just an awesome view to see the sun rise there. Just awesome.

When we got back, our feet were freezing and our hands were numb but our complains soon faded as we saw a monk come in. He had stepped into the water and the water froze. It had to be extremely hard to struggle back to the home motel. Without proper gear, he had caused his limbs bad protection from the cold. Everyone was busy rubbing snow on his hands and feet to save them. If they cannot be saved, he was facing amputation. His limbs were white. Totally white with no signs of blood flow. His skin was peeling and it just looked painful. Fear coated his face as he thought about any unpleasant outcomes.

I looked back and realised that I played with the water as well. Itchy legs decided to test the ice and it went click click click squish. That was when I went shit... Thankfully, no water seeped in and my feet are perfectly fine if not feeling the minus 30 deg cold.

As we exchanged final goodbyes on whatsapp, I left for Harbin once again. It is said that this time, Harbin is even colder than places we've been to. I hope I can make through this merciless winter.


Day 8
So you would think that we wouldn't dare go near waters anymore after yesterday's incident. Well, we went to have fun not by, but on, the Wu Song river today. It was frozen stiff and you could see ships parked right beside where you were playing.

There was a gigantic ice slide, some weird sitting-down dragon-ski, top whipping on ice and winter swimming. Omg, you should have seen those guys in their swimsuits jumping into the water that was simultaneously freezing up into ice. It was a nice miniature themed park.

After the enjoying ourselves at this miniature themed park, we went on to play at the ice castle. It was beyond magnificent. The whole place was carved with ice. You slide on ice. You drive on ice. You climb on ice. You walk to ice.

You may think that ice itself is enough to create this dreamy vision of the place. Now imagine light in those ice. Imagine coloured lights that gave the whole place life and vigor. Awesome awesome awesome view.


Day 9 & 10
Shopping all day!


Day 11
Time to get back to Singapore. I'm filled with mixed feelings. Two days ago, I was missing playing at the beach. Now, I don't even know if I can survive under the air condition there.

It is cold traveling to the airport at 4+am in the morning. We tried to put on lesser clothing on so as to attempt to survive the first heat wave at Changi. It is a sleepy nolstalgic morning.

you...

You go into a relationship pretty quick. You were lonely. Are you lonely now? You told me you weren’t. Could it be sub conscious? How special am I actually? I feel like a number in a queue sometimes. I feel the need to pull out- out of your arms. I got to be special. Your impulsive acts scare me. I know you’re dedicated. But am I just an impulsive decision? Would this fade away? I wonder how much I feel for you too. Is it just a tingle? You feel like a great friend. Could this open up doors to more? I can’t see it. I really don’t. Maybe you and your numerous experiences aren’t the problem. Maybe it lies with me. Maybe I am lonely. Maybe you are a number in a queue. I don’t want you to be. What I feel for you… it comes and goes, I feel. I don’t know why. I’m not trying to play with you, like how I’ve done to others before. I am trying very very hard to feel something more. I am. Trying. Really hard. Maybe it shouldn’t be so hard. But I want to give it a shot. I don’t want to walk away not knowing if we could have worked. But I don’t want to walk away later, breaking your heart, telling you that it’s not going to work either.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Foreign

It has been way too long since I drafted so I thought I'd try one today. I wanted to make this a little ambiguous as to what the "foreign" item was, so I made use a lot of references to a child although I wanted to convey the message of the heart as a uncertain entity.

Foreign
It's squirming in my tummy.
Revolting little brat!
I clobber it with fists of fury
to remove the regret.
The constant reminder of his face
resides deep inside.
It sickens me that his residue, his waste
is filling me tight.

What was I thinking?
My brain clearly on a break
and it took over with speed of lightning,
laughing at my sake.
A moment of carelessness, that
was it.
Our eyes, we met.
Church bells ring.
I punched it hard. Get out!
Get out!
The promises I vowed,
now doubt
but it’s all too late.
Its life; my life.
No time to wait.

I dive.

Like quicksand, it consumes me whole.
It screams in my ears; louder as it grows.
It clouds my head with unique frequencies.
Never such a phenomenon. What trickery is this?

If only I knew how to stop the love.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tired of squeezing the stress ball

Oh dear bloggie, how could i have forgotten about you? You were always there when I needed to vent my emotions. You were there when I forgot to keep you updated. And yet, you are still here when I need you once again. You are constant; never changing, just the way I love it.

I feel like im going bonkers and may have developed a slight addiction for bubble tea. I have been pushing really hard. I swear I am. Balancing school work with more school work. It's tough. I regret ever saying that uni was slack. It was nonsense. Thanks for putting me straight, Karma.

Projects are pilling up like I've never seen before. I don't even dare pen them down, in fear of seeing a mass of blue that reflects the amount of work yet to be done. I haven't been doing as well as I hoped so projects and the end of year exams are crucial. That's why Im pushing for the projects to be done early. I dont want to be fretting over them when the exams draw near. I'm pushing and pushing. Ironically, the one that is due the soonest is the one least done.

I doubt the bubble tea is calming me down. I don't know if the slight (if any) caffeine is what I am relying on the keep awake during the wee hours of the night. I'm getting kind of irritated with some of my groupmates. I don't know if its the crankiness talking or if i'm over thinking their responses.Others? They are awesome. Shit ass. This sucks.

I have so much pent up energy but I am so tired at the same time. I need to draft, even a short poem will probably help me release some of the pressure in me. But, I should be working on my project even as we speak (or rather as I speak). Maybe I'll draft one later. We'll see.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Bitch slapped

Bitch Slapped
At first i was "alright"
And then I was "nehs"
But then I kept to my promise
And you bitch slapped me in the face.

Sure I don't need it now
It's not a life threatening want
But still I want you to want me
And besides, it's loads of fun.

But yea you turned me down
Two freaking times in fact
Once is embarrassing
But it piled up and stacked.

It's a bitch slap across my face
A bee sting on my dimple
Bear claw marks lay on my cheeks
As I began to whimper.

A sensitive beat root of a head
Pigmentation forming
Hot and searing from the centre
And tears streaming and pouring.

It was a bitch slap across my face.

Monday, September 10, 2012

1 month aniversary

It has been forever since I last wrote a post. School has been going well. It's kinda different from others though. It is REALLY efficient.In the sense that you are learning constantly and i mean constantly. It is always new. You hardly go back and repeat until you understand. Lessons are planned to be something you learn from and not something to re enforce what you have learnt the lesson before.You have to do the catching up yourself. Oh and it is full of presentation and group work. I wonder if it is the same for other schools in NTU. I hope i don't drown.

I have joined Choir as my CCA and have decided to apply for the roles of Student Conductor and Sectional Leader. SC is really new to me and im not sure if im up to it. It would be awesome to try conducting. It would be a totally new experience. But in case i dont get it, i hope to fall on SL.

I am also joining ODAC. Subcomm interviews are tmr. I didnt make the cut to the main comm but its okay. I kinda guessed so before even going for the interview. Hopefully i can manage my time well. Owells, i guess thats all from me now, I have got to do my homework and get ready for, yet more presentations.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

A waste of "emotional mind-boggling cells"


Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend in the taxi as we were going home. And the topic really frustrated me in the vehicle. It was as if there was a decision to be made or an epiphany to be struck. It was as if I had been living wrongly and should change my way of life. Going to university meant meeting new friends. With a new group of friends, it meant getting to know new people with new sets of ideals. This group seems very different from what I guess I have been interacting with. Although I have made it clear that I don’t necessarily clique with all kinds of people, the ones I have met so far are usually study oriented. They focus a lot on their grades with consistency. That’s me too. This group, however, has a few individuals that divert from my norm.

So yesterday my friend and I were talking a bit about growing up, going out and studies. He is a very “on” person. He loves to hang with friends with any free time he possess. Me? I put studies first. So he was telling me that I may have not let go of my “small girl mentality”. I didn’t agree but I didn’t exactly disagree either. I said this could be due to the lack of going out with friends. It has always been school, CCA and home for me. It was always a daily routine with the exception of holidays after examinations. If I do go out, though rarely, it is always with the same group of friends, which I have to admit, pamper me. I guess the lack of going out gave me little chance in making my own decisions and thus, grow up. The conversation made me feel like I should change my way of life and the fact that I am going to graduate at only 21 years old makes it seem like I should make good use of this limited time.

What bullshit.

Thinking back, that is all nonsense and a waste of “emotional mind-boggling cells”. There is nothing wrong with being studious. I mark my grades to be of high priority constantly and not only during important examinations. I am not going to wing through uni after putting in so many years of hardwork. No. I do what I am comfortable with. Going out when I should be studying or resting so as to absorb better will make me feel so guilty. No. I am who I am and I’ll be who I feel is right.

Monday, August 06, 2012

"WE" was supposed to end later

"WE" was supposed to end later
I used to show off my emotions
whenever I deem fit
to let the others know
if I'm angry, sad or elate.
But this time it's different;
I'm keeping them to myself.
I'm bottling up my emotions
and leaving them on the shelf.

It's because of the embarrassment.
I don't want others to know
so they won't see the shame
that now I do own.
I've failed in this aspect
though it ain't all my fault.
But I can not be the bitch
So my mind's doing somersaults.
Cause you ain't some random one,
I picked up from elsewhere
but a sister of a dear friend
that's great beyond compare.

I can picture the image: the scene
of how it all went down;
your parents giving in
after seeing your slightest frown.
You pleading hard and whining.
Your parents on the couch
and they caved in to princess,
that I can vouch.
They said, "Send her a message
to inform her of this,"
and you ran happily to your room,
with your face gleaming bliss.

So you ended our relationship
with a simple text,
Blaming nothing of the universe
but saying it was stress.
You are bound to face it, honey,
whether you like it or not.
You are an adult taking examinations,
Not a baby in a cot.
It was taxing on me too-
your body full of medication
but it was certainly lacking in perseverance,
determination and dedication.

So we stopped our partnership
before it reached its term.
2 sessions more and probably,
this sadness I wouldn't learn.
Still, I'm glad it's over now
and best of luck to you.
I hope you buckle up real hard
before your time is due.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

August

It is August already and school is starting soon. I have actually been accustommed to the couch potato lifestyle that I'm not sure if I could revert back to the chionging schoolwork attitude. Since I am not involved with any other camps, I have been spending the past few days either lazing IN my couch or going out with friends. All of which is brainless. I do hope I can manage when school starts.

I am once again meeting my FOOT campmates tmr for post FOOT at Sentosa. I have been sick lately so I have to be careful with my diet tmr... Eating with friends can mean alot of peer pressure which leads to bad meals and tummy go pain pain. Then again, I havent exactly been eating healthy. I have practically been surviving on two or even one meal per day. Havent exactly got the best appetite.

Anyway, I have only recently found out that Jocelyn, one of my camp buddies, is actually not a senior. She IS a freshie!! I wonder why no one has pointed this out to me since I have posted about her being a "non-freshie" in my poem itself. So, I guess I have to change that verse now... Will probably post it at the end of this post. (if I actually have some inspiration cause well, it's kinda late already...)

Owells, I met up with my friend Santosh yesterday. It was a good outing. I still cant believe that he is going to leave Singapore already... :(( Will miss him and all his nonsense and all his bullying (or is it mine?) Haha. Anyway, I will miss him, I'd give him that.

Can't wait for post FOOT which will happen in just a few hours.. I should better get some sleep cause I have to wake up earlier than usual. Ok, let me source for some inspiration now....

Magician Jocelyn's amazing,
disappeared mysteriously after cycling.
She apeared again on the 5th day
when we found out who was the fake.

Done nights peeps!