i burned. i sweat. i screamed. i threw. i hurt. i shook. i don't understand.
but even now, i need to bash something up. cause the adrenaline rush has made me hungry for blood.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
the guy who begged me not to put his name down..
someone wrote me a poem today (YAY!) cause i made him do it. Hahas. Am quite impressed myself that he could finish it within the time limit of 15mins. Poem:
Too many shadows in my room.
Too many hours in this midnight.
Too many corners in my mind.
So much to do to set my heart right.
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready.
Oh but if I take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.
hints of emo-ism i guess. with array (pun intended) of hope. :)
ok so this asshole didnt come up with this poem himself.-.- he got it elsewhere. *roll eyes*. although he probably cant tell, cause y'know, mua is lit student, but this actually reflect what he was telling me about his life. about studying and exams.
note to self: He likes mums, kids and bosses but dogs are a no-mention.
Too many shadows in my room.
Too many hours in this midnight.
Too many corners in my mind.
So much to do to set my heart right.
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready.
Oh but if I take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.
hints of emo-ism i guess. with array (pun intended) of hope. :)
ok so this asshole didnt come up with this poem himself.-.- he got it elsewhere. *roll eyes*. although he probably cant tell, cause y'know, mua is lit student, but this actually reflect what he was telling me about his life. about studying and exams.
note to self: He likes mums, kids and bosses but dogs are a no-mention.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Gems
Gems
You see them across the playroom.
Tiny fat lumps playing with round balls,
Innocence shone through their eyes like diamonds.
Grotesque.
You see them across the classroom.
Pearls sprouting on their faces- a fashion statement.
Gel coated heads reflected light.
Magical.
You see him across the living room.
That gold plated neck now yours.
You steel knife harvested his inner ruby.
His headlights off.
Your appetite finally satisfied.
Smile.
You see them across the playroom.
Tiny fat lumps playing with round balls,
Innocence shone through their eyes like diamonds.
Grotesque.
You see them across the classroom.
Pearls sprouting on their faces- a fashion statement.
Gel coated heads reflected light.
Magical.
You see him across the living room.
That gold plated neck now yours.
You steel knife harvested his inner ruby.
His headlights off.
Your appetite finally satisfied.
Smile.
I need a blender
and they all lived happily ever after... just that they are all living sperately.
everyone loves a happy ending. and i think i got mine as i close one chapter. the chapter that has practically consumed me. and now, i feel lost. should i be happy? or sad? confusion. but i know one thing. i am supposed to start working hard in my studies, which is not happening.
did my toenails today. i dont even know why i did it for. probably cause i was bored. but of what? i wasnt even doing anything today. despite the huge pile of homework i placed on my study table.
yesterday i talked via msn. it has been a long time since i chatted on msn. and as i described my life to the other party, i found out how extremely boring i was. a full fledge MUGGER. i need a life. my life. not the life of another, cause well, my studies cannot afford it. this doesnt really suck. but it is sian.
was chatting to forester. cool name. cute photos. ^^ he's nice. very sociable. he reminds me of what i was. the part of me i've lost. i was always the loud out-going one. attention seeking. but you change when you make friends who are luder and more out-going. you slip into quietness.
i wish this year could just zoom pass cause i dont think i can take it anymore. im feeling some sort of stress, but not enough to actually make me feel absolutely afraid. im like stuck in the middle like an apple slice in snow white's throat. i need to start working hard. and also getting a life. but i dont see how these polarities can have a good blend.
I need a blender
yes yes! put everything in.
a good mix of life is the perfect drink.
a dash of spice and a whole load of brains
and those little pills to take away the pain.
dew drop tears and volcanic lava,
prom night desses with crystal tiaras.
flowers with mud, bushes with torns,
angels with halos, and movie popcorn.
throw my friends in and family too,
my bed, my pets and even my school.
turn on a switch and get me a glass
and call 911 just in case i pass.
everyone loves a happy ending. and i think i got mine as i close one chapter. the chapter that has practically consumed me. and now, i feel lost. should i be happy? or sad? confusion. but i know one thing. i am supposed to start working hard in my studies, which is not happening.
did my toenails today. i dont even know why i did it for. probably cause i was bored. but of what? i wasnt even doing anything today. despite the huge pile of homework i placed on my study table.
yesterday i talked via msn. it has been a long time since i chatted on msn. and as i described my life to the other party, i found out how extremely boring i was. a full fledge MUGGER. i need a life. my life. not the life of another, cause well, my studies cannot afford it. this doesnt really suck. but it is sian.
was chatting to forester. cool name. cute photos. ^^ he's nice. very sociable. he reminds me of what i was. the part of me i've lost. i was always the loud out-going one. attention seeking. but you change when you make friends who are luder and more out-going. you slip into quietness.
i wish this year could just zoom pass cause i dont think i can take it anymore. im feeling some sort of stress, but not enough to actually make me feel absolutely afraid. im like stuck in the middle like an apple slice in snow white's throat. i need to start working hard. and also getting a life. but i dont see how these polarities can have a good blend.
I need a blender
yes yes! put everything in.
a good mix of life is the perfect drink.
a dash of spice and a whole load of brains
and those little pills to take away the pain.
dew drop tears and volcanic lava,
prom night desses with crystal tiaras.
flowers with mud, bushes with torns,
angels with halos, and movie popcorn.
throw my friends in and family too,
my bed, my pets and even my school.
turn on a switch and get me a glass
and call 911 just in case i pass.
Monday, May 09, 2011
ouch
i swear, there must be a metal pole of something sitting on the right side of my spine in my body..
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
SYF 2011
SYF 2011
You look ahead and see your mother.
Daddy is holding onto your waist,
Clutching it as if he meant to choke you.
Uncomfortable feeling. You shake to break loose.
You inch your way forward, alone.
You fear of falling down. You raise
Your arms for balance. Eyes focused on mama.
You inch your way forward, alone.
You hear the encouragements slowly die down.
People gossip behind you, putting you down,
Talking about how slow you are.
Your siblings are afraid you bring down the family name.
You persevered and fought on.
Tears dripped and music came out from your mouth.
And when you reach out for mummy,
Your aunt picks you up and everyone cheers.
mummy-GWH
aunt-Gold
daddy-scoldings??
siblings-teachers
family name- obviously the school
You look ahead and see your mother.
Daddy is holding onto your waist,
Clutching it as if he meant to choke you.
Uncomfortable feeling. You shake to break loose.
You inch your way forward, alone.
You fear of falling down. You raise
Your arms for balance. Eyes focused on mama.
You inch your way forward, alone.
You hear the encouragements slowly die down.
People gossip behind you, putting you down,
Talking about how slow you are.
Your siblings are afraid you bring down the family name.
You persevered and fought on.
Tears dripped and music came out from your mouth.
And when you reach out for mummy,
Your aunt picks you up and everyone cheers.
mummy-GWH
aunt-Gold
daddy-scoldings??
siblings-teachers
family name- obviously the school
Thursday, April 28, 2011
need to be alone
had the most perfect day to study. sch ended early, have no cca today. but i turned on the television watched. and now im here, cause i refuse to study now. i refuse. a much deserved rest, from cramming all the notes and dynamics and words and fomulas. so today, im not working anymore.
i realised recently that whenever my friends apologise for being "harsh" with their words aint really "harsh" for me. guess they have not known what i've been through- a prolonged boot camp. i cant stand inspirational speeches or pep talking anymore. cause the overwhelming sight, or in this case, hearing of it is having the complete opposite effect on me...
i see my self spacing out when im with my friends sometimes. more so these few days. i need to be alone.
i realised recently that whenever my friends apologise for being "harsh" with their words aint really "harsh" for me. guess they have not known what i've been through- a prolonged boot camp. i cant stand inspirational speeches or pep talking anymore. cause the overwhelming sight, or in this case, hearing of it is having the complete opposite effect on me...
i see my self spacing out when im with my friends sometimes. more so these few days. i need to be alone.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Visiting guilt
Today dint really do much. Was relaxing and rejuvenating. In essence, a much needed holiday. :)
Yesterday, on the other hand was bad. Not as in the day sucked but bad inside. I did two things I knew I shouldn't. White lie. Betrayal. One was an easy decision, the other was stressful. Although I knew exactly that both were wrong, I found it hard to feel the assumed guilt.
Visiting guilt
I tucked you in. And on Thursday night,
When I come by, I will kiss you by the cheek.
You will take my coat and we will sit for tea.
I eat the cake you serve and feel it nourish every part of me.
We will chat about my old times.
Awkwardness whirls round the room
Like the rush I got when I was an adolescent.
A cup of coffee will get rid of it. A cup of coffee always does.
“Two cubes please.” It masks the bitterness.
I wipe the last few drops off my lips
And before you could converse,
I will stand up, check my hair and be ready to bid you farewell.
Then, you will kiss me by the cheek,
Sending shivers down my spine.
I will pick up my coat,
Once again forgetting to whisper, in your ear, “I’m sorry.”
Yesterday, on the other hand was bad. Not as in the day sucked but bad inside. I did two things I knew I shouldn't. White lie. Betrayal. One was an easy decision, the other was stressful. Although I knew exactly that both were wrong, I found it hard to feel the assumed guilt.
Visiting guilt
I tucked you in. And on Thursday night,
When I come by, I will kiss you by the cheek.
You will take my coat and we will sit for tea.
I eat the cake you serve and feel it nourish every part of me.
We will chat about my old times.
Awkwardness whirls round the room
Like the rush I got when I was an adolescent.
A cup of coffee will get rid of it. A cup of coffee always does.
“Two cubes please.” It masks the bitterness.
I wipe the last few drops off my lips
And before you could converse,
I will stand up, check my hair and be ready to bid you farewell.
Then, you will kiss me by the cheek,
Sending shivers down my spine.
I will pick up my coat,
Once again forgetting to whisper, in your ear, “I’m sorry.”
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
:)
i love her but... im starting to get annoyed. she's loud. TOO LOUD! for my preference, and maybe others too. dont want to tell her least she gets all drama again. i remember the last time someone told her to tone it down. i said even if she wanted to change, she should still be her. and with a twist of some words, she thanked the person who told her to tone it down and made me feel like the bad guy. im not going down that road again.
well, besides bitching and failing napfa for the 3rd time, today was surprisingly peaceful and productive. i need more of todays.
ps. bensee's posts are getting innovative, i think. or he might just be going the other way round. owell, you can never go wrong with a DIO quote. and yea, it sucks to be you, and me, and everyone else in this world, so man up! i should woman up too. >.< i especially like the post where you wrote absolutely nothing and titled it "the train of thought was lost again". personallu, your coolest post yet
well, besides bitching and failing napfa for the 3rd time, today was surprisingly peaceful and productive. i need more of todays.
ps. bensee's posts are getting innovative, i think. or he might just be going the other way round. owell, you can never go wrong with a DIO quote. and yea, it sucks to be you, and me, and everyone else in this world, so man up! i should woman up too. >.< i especially like the post where you wrote absolutely nothing and titled it "the train of thought was lost again". personallu, your coolest post yet
Sunday, April 17, 2011
dreams
the water works are appearing again, more often than i thought it would, yet less often than i hoped it would. life's tumbling downhill again, as usual, since i am still trapped in choir. i see how the escape party happily while enduring the consequences. i want to run away cause the wall i built up is rapidly degrading. i can feel arrows sinking deep into my flesh. random arrows. and i pray that none will be fatal. i see my comrades standing by my side weeping, sharing the exact same predicament as me. i console them and my tears hides. laying my head next to the free ones, the salty cowards leak out like an abandoned dam.
if there were a pyramid that denotes hierachy, where would i be? i see the masses revolting, succedding. i feel the upper classes oppressing, succedding. and i feel myself suffocating, failing, dying. im trying to stand up again but the two forces are too great. collective.. maybe we can do it collectively. but i feel so alone.
i wish one day i will not be afraid anymore. i wish i had the courage to look at her in the face. i do not want bombastic words. i do not want fancy languages. just 2 simple words would do. "you suck". that would do. that would be what i would do. that would be what i would do in my dreams, now, later, and then. but in reality? i know it will never come out. cause i am scared.
she puts out the fire in me and makes me feel like crap. singing. they both teach me singing. so why the vast difference in methods? one makes me feel like i could conquer the world with my voice. the other shuts me down, takes away the microphone and shines the spotlight on the others.
i love the stage. i want to stand on it, yet i feel so bad that i have to depend on you to stand on "your" stage. i do not need you to stand on a stage. i have other means. in fact, i think i stood on a stage more times than you ever did. but i still love the stage. and with any time i could do that, i would not throw away that chance. so dont take it away from me. cause if you did, i swear, i may just throw a punch in your face, when i lie my head on my pillow.
if there were a pyramid that denotes hierachy, where would i be? i see the masses revolting, succedding. i feel the upper classes oppressing, succedding. and i feel myself suffocating, failing, dying. im trying to stand up again but the two forces are too great. collective.. maybe we can do it collectively. but i feel so alone.
i wish one day i will not be afraid anymore. i wish i had the courage to look at her in the face. i do not want bombastic words. i do not want fancy languages. just 2 simple words would do. "you suck". that would do. that would be what i would do. that would be what i would do in my dreams, now, later, and then. but in reality? i know it will never come out. cause i am scared.
she puts out the fire in me and makes me feel like crap. singing. they both teach me singing. so why the vast difference in methods? one makes me feel like i could conquer the world with my voice. the other shuts me down, takes away the microphone and shines the spotlight on the others.
i love the stage. i want to stand on it, yet i feel so bad that i have to depend on you to stand on "your" stage. i do not need you to stand on a stage. i have other means. in fact, i think i stood on a stage more times than you ever did. but i still love the stage. and with any time i could do that, i would not throw away that chance. so dont take it away from me. cause if you did, i swear, i may just throw a punch in your face, when i lie my head on my pillow.
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