Closed Doors

It has been forever since I blogged. I am starting to miss my Singapore life quite badly - I miss my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my school, my choir, my piano. I miss my support structures, especially since my "roomie", Clara, is off on holiday. It's quiet and lonely here alone over the weekend. I need music. Or a poem.

Closed Doors
Fly with me, my darling.
I want you to feel the freedom that is
so precious nowadays.
Feel the wind on your face; the wind
you create from your speed.
You are in control now. I am going to let go.
Fly, my darling.

Enjoy it - the immense pleasure.
It is all so dreamy and woozy and just magnificent.
You are magnificent.
I am magnificent. This feeling... it is... remarkable
to say the least.
Breathe in the air, my darling.
Let it fill your lungs. Your red bloody lungs that thump with your bloody red heart.
Feel the adrenaline. Stupendous.
Feel the rush. Feel every blood vessel dilate.
Let's get higher.

Push, my darling.
Push it through. Soar.
Clench your muscles, they are intensified.
No one can see you in this night sky.
You are in space with the stars.
Gaze. They are like fireworks all around you.
Yes, the feeling. This feeling bursts from within.
You feel it on-, in-, under your skin. Whatever.
You don't give a fuck.
Just let yourself go.

Gasp. You gasp and the sun smiles at you warmly.
Time to go home, my darling,
open your eyes.

The mask dictates

The mask dictates
"May I go out?" Stay in, bastard child.
Hide in the shadows. The light is not for you.
You will meet no one. No one.
No one will ever know you exist.
No one will ever hear your voice.
You are nothing.
Go back to your corner and cover your face.
You sicken me.
Move along now.

"Do you love me?" Of course I do.
You embarrass me. Move your ass else I'll kick you.
And shut your face.
Do not talk to me. Turn away.
Your eyes, so innocent, has seen more evil than
any putrid smiles. Trust no one.
Only I can protect you.
Now put on this veil.

"Why do I hide?" To save our face.
Think of what happens when people lay eyes on a bastard
like you? So useless. So unwanted. So incapable
of anything in this world.
This wonderful world is filled with laughter.
Are you happy? I thought so.
Bastards do not have a hint of bliss in them.
You do not belong.
Keep still now or I'll slap your cheek and chain you up.

"Do you want me?" Get down.
You need a whipping to learn your place.
Yes, you will learn like how you have been.
Every lash will let you grow.
It is your food. It is your water.
You crave it, don't you child? "Yes Mam."
Get down. Cover up those scars.
I don't want to see them.
They are disgusting.
You disgust me, love.

Back to the corner. Crawl, if you can.

Good girl. I'll put on your favorite song.
Melancholy, isn't it?
Hum it for me at the back of my head.
That's nice. You are a sweet little thing.

A penny for my thoughts

Arrived in Maastricht about a week ago now. The small town is nice but I still problems navigating. The red bricked houses all seem like the same to me and every corner I turn is just a replica of the previous one. I like the ambiance the place gives off though. There is a flair to it. Although trees are mostly bare, blooming flowers can be seen in pots near every other window. The barren tops make the bushes and the grass seem so much greener with so much more life.

It is cold. It is not bone shivering ice age here but it is cold. A sweater does not suffice during the night but a beanie and scarf may be an overkill during the day. The breeze when I stroll down the blocks freezes my ears but tickles my cheeks. The weather and I... We do not have a love-hate relationship but rather a like-dislike relationship.

I've grown slightly accustomed to the calcium-rich water here. I don't mean this in the good way. I very much prefer my bottled water but the upkeep is just way too high. I'll probably buy my water for when I venture out. After I finish my last bottle, I'll just keep to tap.

I miss home. I really miss the easily accessible food there and the cheap everything. But I miss my family. I feel like I'm growing to be independent now but I'd like to have them around. Everything I do here is based on my conscious decision. I haven't asked for much advice except for money matters from my parents so far. I miss them. I miss my boyfriend too. I wished he was here with me. I see my friends who have their partners here and I wished he was here. Then again, I wouldn't have the opportunity to really be independent if he were.

Today, I just had my first lecture and I realised how much work is actually expected of me. I hope I can catch up with the Dutch peeps who have been doing this since their first semester. I want to excel, not pass. I want to succeed.

It drives me

I am utterly mind blocked with what to write for my final engagement under my internship. Why does my school have to have this last component as a closure. I believe that some things are better left unsaid and actions throughout the whole experience mean the most.

Once again, I have not been updating my blog for a long time. I don't know why I keep doing this - saying I'm sorry for not updating and then not update it for the longest time (which is an awesome song btw). Anyway, I did tell me colleague (who has been secretly spying on my blog) that I would write an entry. Since, I've finally managed to get almost sufficient sleep today, I thought I'd write one now.

It would be great if I could think up of something to write. Urgh. Internship has been... hrm... It has been fun but exhausting. Well, fun isn't really the word I would use. It has been enriching and the people have been great. It is, however, tiring and I believe I did manage to get a taste test of how life would be like as an auditor. I felt like auditing was my cup of tea at first, but then when deadlines drew near and peak came, the stress level in the room was off the roof. Working papers that gave me a sense of accomplishment after completion became just another working paper to fill up. Vouching documents which seemed like a relaxing slightly brainless job became just another step to prior to filling up my working papers. Still, I think I am suited for auditing.

This is why. I believe I work well with stress. Yes, I break down some times and this blog knows it much better than anyone has. But, stress has always been the companion to my biggest successes. It drives me.

Facing stress. Beating stress. Releasing stress.

You can feel it, everyone can.

Everyone is roaring with excitement.

The atmosphere is hot, fire hot, searing hot.

You feel your heart pounding like a prisoner waiting to be released.

You raise your hands.

“And in this corner, weighing over 180 pounds,

the one you have all been waiting for… YOU!”

The crowd goes crazy and they scream like a singular voice.

They spin around you and you clench your teeth.

You come back to the ring and you hear silence.

You’re zoned in.

You face a formidable opponent – one that has hardly been defeated.

He smirks at you.

You stare back. Staring always does the trick.

Fear or be feared. You don’t want to lose.

[I have to win.]

Choose your weapons.

You go for your gloves. Of course you go for your gloves.

Titanium covering plated gold. Your favourite.

It signifies your prowess.

Cheers of approval made you feel amazing.

You bite your lip as you put in your mouth guard.

[You can do this]

The other guy picked a shield.

“Idiot.”

Game on.

You know you’ve lost.

Breather

Exams are finally over! Now I can breathe before everything comes crashing down again 2 days later.

Control

Control
If I were a puppet master,
if we were all puppet masters,
we would make us dance.
I tug and he jerks to the left.
You tug and she jumps to the right.
So much fun until you find out that
you have no say in yourself
and that is called
destiny.

My strings are cut.
I stare down at me helplessly.

Our tension broke

Our tension broke
We fought
and, man, did I fight back.
A single comment and
guns were blazing, armors on,
teeth guard in and earrings off.
Nails sharpened, hair tied up,
swords drawn,
the battle starts.

A huge clash between two giant armies.
It was an explosion of the highest state.
Bullets shot and wounds salted.
A treaty within reach but none bothered.

I thought I was winning.
I didn't stop.
I stabbed and slashed and stabbed
and stabbed and stabbed and...
I couldn't breathe.

The blood on my hands were mine
and I felt pain.

But pain wasn't a feeling.
Pain wasn't an emotion.
Pain is emptiness; pain is hollow.
Pain is a black hole that sucks you in and the more you struggle, the more power it gains.
Pain is a snake that swallows you whole - legs first while your paralyzed consciousness spectate.
Pain is your slow disintegration that modifies time so that it never and will never let. you. pause.

I cut the phone line.
Our tension broke.
Pearls scattered down so gracefully.

Uuuhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I was queen kong.

I would have tore down buildings,
smash the apartment you were in,
bring you to the top of Tokyo's skyline,
and make you watch me fall.

Make you see me break my skull.
Make you hear me break my bones.
Make you feel me break my heart.

I swore to God I wouldn't beg.
I'm sorry God.

Words shot out like arrows with poison,
which recipe I got from the evil queen.
Alakazam! Alakazoom!
A kiss of life! Specks of sparkles! Puffs of smoke!
We were alive!
But you are not
you.

So innocent like a new born
but your heart from the dead.
And my heart?
My heart...

My heart is pain.

Failing

Failing
It was just an alphabet and a symbol.
Font size 10. Un-bold. Un-italicised.
It was just an alphabet and a symbol
so why does it feels like the
hot curling iron on my skin,
the razor on my face, the
scalding wax on my body, the
blusher in my eyes, the
cuticle scissors across my breasts.
Why does everything in my attempt to be pretty hurt?

It was like the universe was playing a game
out of me.
It made me the girl who won the crown but
my outfit strategically chosen to hide
all the scars from its constant assault;
my makeup so flawless and thick to hide
all the shame and to fill all the emptiness.

I took a blade.
Wine dripped out of me.
Release.

Another.
I was brought to the clouds. Counted ten of them.

One more.
I was just an arm's length from Him.
I have never been so close to such a stranger.
I reached out so desperately. I needed comfort only he could ration.
But he stood there and hugged me with his eyes.
It was pure connection between the shameless and
the shameless.

My heart beating, hitting, slamming. Bang!
So much pain. How could there be so much pain.
There was no fall but I'm lying on the ground.
It was just an alphabet and a symbol.
Font size 10. Un-bold. Now red.

My Lovely Boyfriend

My Lovely Boyfriend

My lovely boyfriend.

I’m going to kill him.

Maybe a cup of tea first –

just for old times’ sake.

No sugar. His metabolism makes him really hot.

If he plays his cards right,

maybe I’ll let him play with my cat

or stroke my hair

or even a kiss or two.

I love my boyfriend.

Maybe I’ll kill him tomorrow instead.

He does so much for me.

He cooks, he cleans, and he kisses

everywhere.

He thinks of me; not too clingy.

He hugs me; sometimes too tight.

He makes me laugh, then laughs at me.

He lets me do weird faces of his face.

And thus, remains why, I need to kill him.

He is great at balancing

between being the perfect man and a complete douche.

He makes me want to smash his head with a slash hammer.

He makes me want to smash my head with a slash hammer.

I am so confused, I’m going bonkers.

Maybe I’ll save the mushrooms till the end of the week.

But his eyes –

His eyes just make everything disappear.

I could just stare at them all day.

And his hair and his lips and his scent…

I got to get ready.
He is coming for tea!

Washing my hands of you

Washing my hands of you
I could punch a wall right now!
Oh, how I want my hands to fill up with blood.
Broken nails. Broken bones.

I want to muff up my ears. Cover them
away from your critique.

I want to kick a glass ball.
Let it crash! BOOM!
Let it pierce my feet.
Let it bleed.

Let me bleed.
Let me juggle knives. Let me fail. Fall on to me
like rain; like autumn leaves; like shuriken.

I want to scream!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................
I want to hit that high
high G, then A, then ultrasound.

Let glass break.
Let plastic crack.
Let wood rot.

I want to skinny dip in acid and radioactive waste.
Make me melt.
Make me glow.
I want to do all that
if I could just remove the ink you tattooed inside me.