Just the way you are

In light of the recent shooting in Orlando...

Love Yourself



Like I'm Gonna Lose You



Locked Away

Fire

Fire
The fire cleanses and it destroys like Lucifer slays.
Maybe hell and the devil are one of the same,
residing on
every holy candle lit. It dances at the back
of every mind and laughs as
it consumes you like God.

It is described in many ways -
entrancingly green, glowing red,
furiously blue and dark like
the knight.
It chills as it burns and
suffocates
as it breathes.

Do you hear it cackle?

Calmly,
it envelopes and hugs my neck,
kissing with a fervor I've not felt before;
raising my hairs then razing them down;
hissing at my tears, preying with my fears;
blazing souless innocents and begging me-
begging me to fall on my knees,
bow my heart and feign mercy.

Hush.

The sky falls bland as I lay my head.
So I pray that when the light rekindles my face,
the sun would wring
from the anger within,
hipnotic evil that shall live and rise again.

Passionate fear

Passionate fear

He came from round the blind corner.

Our eyes met briefly before going back to

the phone. His presence lingered beyond

the sockets. He knows.

The next day he was there with his surreptitious

smile which I knew to grow accustomed to. Shyly

shifted to check the time. He wore blue

without fail, conquering my heart, at Eight O' Six

sharp everyday. Not a peep from me. That is

not our language.

He started bringing me places in my mind I

never knew existed. So fascinated in his glory,

I breathe at his mercy and cry at his pleasure. I

take him everywhere, like pocket providence, and

he whispers bittersweet nothings in my ear.

By the devilry he possesses, the hex, like musty

roses, course through my veins, tearing me

from my bloodline, releasing. those. satisfying.

Endorphin.

He owns my soul; at every any hour of the year.

He slumbers mostly and let the electronics entertain

the little shell as he lay; gentle, sovereign and familiar.

He’ll tug on my heartstrings when it's time to feed.

Then, he consumes me whole.

Nightmare of a Daughter

So tomorrow is the 49th day of my grandfather's death. And idk how I feel about that. My aunt's casually brought him up in a conversation today and I swore I was still choked up. I think words can't really express how I feel now so I've penned my feelings down in music instead.

This is my first composition for piano and I'm pretty wretched with emotions now that I can't really tell how good or bad it is (but I have an inclination that it will lean towards the negative side seeing how inexperienced I am).

Despite so, I do feel that this piece does reflect my inner struggles especially when I first heard of the news. The piece is titled "Nightmare of a Daughter" because I still can't entirely grasp the concept that this is life; or rather, the lack of it. The music starts off with a foreboding feel of the night which leads straight into a chase like tempo, mirroring my anxiousness and fear when my mum called me to the A&E. The abrupt break when I fell eyes on his shriveled self with more tubes in him than breath. Then, of course, the fall; both his and mine - fast, plateau, crash. Heartbeat on the monitor shows hope. Wonderful hope. I speak to him and through our exchange, we dance. But he doesn't wake up. Our conversation, as per in my head, gets heated. Horrible hope. Horribly misleading hope. He moves on (to the other side) and I'm screaming now. The doctor calls his time of death.

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Magic Trick

So my grandfather passed away yesterday. I was just thinking about the number of deaths that I've been through the past few months and I don't know if I can take anymore of them. It has been emotionally draining. Right now, any call about the hospital is just nerve wrecking.

But let's just focus on the positives. Well, my grandfather was very sick with cancer so his last days were in acute pain. At least, he is able to be pain free now. He passed away about the same timing of the day as my grandmother did so I'd like to think that they are now holding hands and being their diabetic selves with each other. He looked so much more at peace asleep then he had been in a long time. His death was sudden but I guess the plus point was the relieve he got.

Another positive. My grandfather helped us with the lottery! First Prize! I don't really know how the different types of lottery work but I guess though the winnings were not much after splitting it among the families, they were still pretty substantial. I guess winning touched me more than the money did cause my grandfather used to love buying 4D tickets and I can only imagine him blessing us with this as a sign that he is looking out for us.

On another note. I didn't sleep at all last night. (Shout out to my amazing friend, Pam, for staying up and keeping me company the whole while < 3.) Idk.. Think sometimes I forget that he really has passed on.

Magic Trick
Tribute to my gonggong.

A volunteer?
Of course, sexy lady at the back.
Dressed in glitter, wavy dark curls, ruby lips.
Lies down in a box; the box. Tight.
Amazing cloth, always velvet.
Catch her scarlet smirk before she's gone.

Black girl, black box, black cloth.
Silver swords, silver saws, silver spikes.
Red girl, red box, red cloth?

Black Death.
No.
No cloth. No box. No girl.

Aha!
Magical cry, magical chant, magical prayer!
Puff of smoke!
Of course, sexy lady at the back.
Dressed in glitter, wavy dark curls, ruby lips.

Now.
Beige boy. Brown box. Golden cloth.
Trembling cry. Diligent chant. Holy prayer.
Incense smoke.

Grandpa?

Their Tears

There has just been way too much going on with recent events, or maybe, I'm only just being made aware of more. From international terrorists to local authorities in certain parts of the world, it just makes me disheartened at how the globe as turned out.

This Christmas, I wish for world peace. I sincerely, wholeheartedly do.

Their Tears
I weep for the coughs I hear down the hall

I weep for the kiss I've learned not to miss

I weep for the crows and their merciless calls

I weep for the ignorance, probably not in bliss

I weep for the television, the radio, the news

I weep for the children, the arms, the mind

I weep for the emotional physical abuse

Are those bombs falling from the sky?

I weep for the cities crashing one by one

I weep for the world holding cattle of man

I weep for the seas glowing red with blood

I weep for the guy, laying, gasping for air

I weep for the boy sleeping on white dust

I weep for the girl blowing out red candles

I weep for the parent begging for burnt crust

Is there anything we can't handle?

And I weep for the sake of humane humanity

I wish for more compassionate mentality

I hope for nurturing loving maturity

I pray for the some sort of sound sensibility

So many years of ingenious evolution

So many years of quickened progress

Always on point with being efficient

Maybe it's time to start mourning before death.

Goodnight Grandma

Granny passed away on Wednesday, 4 November 2015. Today, Sunday, 8 November 2015, is her funeral; she was cremated. Living in her new home, we will celebrate her birthday tomorrow, 9 November 2015. On 10 November 2015, it will be the first (in a series of 7 weekly prayers) time we pray for her to cross over to the light.

Goodnight Grandma
Goodnight Grandmama; sleep tight tonight.
Let your dreams take you away.
Let them take you to a far away land with
clouds beneath your feet. Yes, your feet Mama,
your feet! Throw that wheelchair away, you need
it not. Not then, not ever.
There will be no more suffering and no more pain.
You are being upgraded;
your voice more melodious, your nose sharper,
your bones stronger than your stubbornness,
your mind quicker.
But your eyes will stay the same. Those hazels
exude such warmth and wisdom, they have reached
the epitome of perfection.

I miss you Grandmama.

I miss you Grandmama. Rest your precious heart.
Your amazing heart, filled with love, was never
once too full. Every rhythm had a purpose;
you embrace the world on every thump.
Kindness and empathy always by your side
as you touch the lives of the babies and the grandkids,
the girls and the boys, the women and the men,
the father and the mothers, the friends and of course,
the husband. I wonder if it had ever beaten just for you.

They told me your heart had a condition, Grandma.
They told me it was what brought you to sleep.
I think it was just weighed down by the gold it holds within.
You carried so many of us in there, it's incredible
how big it is.

I love you Grandmama.

I love you, Grandmama, I love you! Do you hear
our cries, Grandmama? Grandmama, I am screaming
up to you! Can you hear me? Grandmama!

I love you.

I miss you.

I want you.

Why did you leave?

Goodnight Grandma; I'm going to bed too.
It's still early so I'll send up a prayer, wishing
my dreams will take me away to a far off land
with my head in the clouds.

And through my pillow, I shall meet
the memories of you and learn to beat
the tempo of compassion and song d'amour,
the dance of affection and how to grow room for more.

Butterfly

Wrote this a few days back but was too tired to put it up.

Butterfly
Please pause. Freeze pane. Let me take another breath in again.
You were, right here, right there. I can't remember your name.
You are the blue shirt on the crowded bus,
each person pushing me toward the memory of us.
You are the music buzzing in my ear,
every beat touching me, holding me down.
You are the cool breeze on a hot sunny day-
surprising and fleeting, a phantom lingering fay.
In my arms, I caught you, I held you. Only to open up feeling our sheer dismay.

I'm In Love With You

I'm In Love With You
I see your smile on the boy next to me.
Your eyes glitter across the hall.
Your lips on mine when my head's asleep.
Your gentle touch catching me as I fall.
My heart runs free through the park at day.
My love, the chain, around my neck.
My memories dances with the said, unsaid.
You hold power to change smiles to tears and back.
What am I to do,
when I'm still in love,
with the one I've grown apart?
What can I do,
when I'm deeply in love,
with the one who broke my heart?