Breathing is essential

Blogging right. Life has been so mundane recently and it's nice to have a change in mood. Hung out with Derek today in an impromptu get-together to submit our time sheets. It was fun, to say the least.

I don't want to boost anyone's ego here but it's refreshing to interact with people that I feel are in the same wave length as me. I feel reserved lately. Trying to act as social as I can to hide the fact that I am, inside, still queasy. Derek was a breath of fresh air.

I feel really lucky we are not story book characters or I'd really believe that he's the witch of the candy-made house. The amount of food that he stuffed me with made me feel fortunate that I wasn't Gretal. Think he probably felt that it's vice versa. Haha.

tTomorrow is my last day of work till my weeks leave is over. Can't wait to go to Philippines with daddy. Time to sleep now. Good nite Hansel.

Insolent mouth

What the hell is wrong with him?! I have been nothin less than supportive these few weeks. Done my part as a friend. And there he is with his PMS mood swings. Actually, I doubt that they are mood swings cause they are starting to sound really consistent, that bastard. He is being so insensitive that it's beyond human understanding. Next week I shall return what is borrowed from his household. And maybe I won't really have to face that insolent mouth again.

Fifty shades of grey

Fifty Shades of Grey... Oh my god. Wheredo I start? A buffet; feast even, to my literary taste buds. I mean, Agnes doesn’tlike reading. She loves literature, but not reading. Yet, she has devoured thiswhole book in just two days. Says loads, doesn’t it?

It’s justoozing with brilliance; with words of wit; with technique. It just makes you,well me, itch so badly that I want to comment on it. It contains references ofother literary texts such as Tess of thed’Urbervilles (which I am relieved for it to be one of the few books I haveread). But, there is a drawback. It is just too sexual. Too to-the-pointsexual. Everything was just so normal at first. Well, not mundane. It is moreof an enthralling kind of normal that keeps me going. And all of a sudden, thewhole freaking mood changes to the extremity of sexual conducts.

I didn’t haveto wait for the chapter number to reach a double digit for the F word tofinally surface. The F word. I bet you are probably thinking that it came outas a swear word. Well, that’s undeniably true but what caught me off guard isthe use of the word as the word itself. How incredibly crude.

Argh! Such rawdetails of movement. I swear, this is my closest encounter to sex. Never hadthe experience with anyone, never had (and never will have) any experience withmyself and never seen any form of it in *ahem* motion pictures. I think I findcomfort in the fact that the female lead is also a virgin. Hence, it was easyto relate to her. (She’s a literature lover too) Every detail so carefullyconcocted, whether by the male lead or the author, is as new to her as it is tome. It seems we feel the so much the same emotions that I am not clear if it was her feelings that were affecting mine or vice versa.

I think itis probably the fact that I am the third party that I can say that there weresome decisions that I would have never even thought of considering. (yet, if I reallywas in her shoes, would I have still be this confident?) You could just imaginemy smile as I uncover that my name is in the freaking book, and my grin as I findout that ‘Agnes’ was the more grounded and thinking-with-reason friend.

Ten chapterswas all that I could take as a first introduction to the book. “Romantic,liberating and totally addictive, the Fifty Shades trilogy will obsess you,possess you and stay with you forever.” It damn right haunted me for the restof the night. I wake up, wanting “more”. (God! The ‘more’ word… it will nevermake the same sense to me ever again. ‘Come’ too. God!) Picked up my book thefirst thing in the morning but switched on the TV too though. It was my morningroutine (when I’m not at work) and I was sure as hell trying not to let my dadknow how into the book I was, since I did tell him that it was immensely sexualthe night before.

I haven’t investedso much emotion into a book ever since I’ve picked up an Enid Blyton book. Don’tget me wrong. I am not THAT interested in the sexual portion. But, I have toagree that I was so engrossed that I stop having any tiny smirks whenever I finda witty string of diction. I find I ceased to concentrate so much on theliterature part, although obvious points like color symbolism and themes(domination and sadism) are a hard-to-miss. I even started to skip words. I narrowin to the dialogues and dismiss the describing words of tone. I mean, even anactor will have an idea of how to deliver his speech, without action cues, whenhe is so into the plot.

I love theemail exchanges between the two leads best. It brings one back to high schoolflirting. Its innocence is refreshing and, frankly speaking, something I FINALLY havereference to. The one thing I really hate about this book, besides its sometimedisturbing scenes, is the way it ends. So many loopholes. “Leaving me achingand hungry for more.” Maybe E L James “want[s] me frustrated”. Damn her! Infact, F her!

As afraid as I am to explore new exotic areas of Ms. James’s scary mind, I am going to head to the book store to get Fifty Shades Darker.

Train breakdown

There was an accident that caused delay in the trains today, especially the ones going to JE I arrived there and it was such a spectacular sight!! Did you ever realise how awesome the whole station looked when decorated with 500 ppl?

Imagine the whole platform just swarmed with ppl whom you are lucky to get brushed and nudged as you walk through. The escalators are down and poor commuters are stuck on it as they can get to the platform nor the station below. Awesome right?

Now picture everyone of them with frowny faces. Every one of them. Don't you think it's such a rare sight? I mean how do you get EVERYONE to be sporty an participate in this let's-frown-together activity?

What an enriching experience to kick start my morning!!

Ball game with the king

Ball game with the king

I have been forgetful lately,

Forgetting what you said

And forgetting to apologize

For forgetting what you said.

So I'm here now to say I'm sorry,

But you didn't have to be so rude

To cut me off right in the middle,

Acting high, mighty and good.

So oh your majesty, please forgive me;

For all I have sinned.

Yet, please too explain to me

Why you made such a din.

For the solution was quite simple

And the problem did no harm

Unless, I'm guessing, you've got something to hide,

Or someone you didn't want to alarm.

But it ain't up to me to speculate

So I'm still here, Your Loftiness.

Yet I want to make it clear that

I'm no pushover, stateliness.

The game you play 's in my territory;

I am an expert at it.

And if you end up at the wrong side of the court,

I swear you'll concede defeat.

Brace yourself

Haven't blogged since forever and I really need a channel for my feelings recently. I have gotten over the fact that my results could have been better and am actually quite satisfied now since I've gotten an UNi offer already. But still, I have to admit that the occasional boasting of my friends on fb still drives me nuts then and there.

My moodiness now turns to work, especially today. It was the cold war. Well, not really. Tensions were present and lost in a matter of minutes but bitching was a significant part. I don't even know where it came from. And maybe it was the enhanced effect from the combination of PMS and the hectic work life, but I am totally drained emotionally. I don't understand how ppl are so different from the ppl whom I hang out with. I mean I am growing to realise that some ppl just want to make comments just for the sake of making comments without even giving thought of what others would feel. I used to think that if you had smth good to say, it's alright to say it to the person but if it ain't, especially of its on such superficial stuff, why tell the person?? I mean, I see my colleagues commenting on hair and clothes and appearance. It comes across very superficial to me. Depth. Depth.

And then another big thing that is going on is the lack of doing work of some and the über hardworkingness of some that has caused a huge hooha. I used to think that helping one another out to be smth that comes natural. And I feel that this environment has changed me as ppl just are not in the same thinking as me. I remember one gloating about how he/she has finally served one after so long. Seriously? You're gloating about that? Anyway, I've learnt to moderate what I do (though I'm not proud of it) And the unhappiness is now on others who feel te injustice.

Ppl are finally voicing out their concerns. and ppl are leaving the workplace one by one, either by their own wish or against. Those who stayed had to prove that they knew what they were doing. I don't know if it was in my blood or what but the test I took it quite seriously even though I didn't study. I checked it twice ( like Santa) and tried to clarify the doubts after the test was returned. Apparently no one was quite interested in that. I mean I wanted to learn. Butppl don't seem too keen.

Anyway, enough about work. On a happier note, I have found this new series called once upon a time. Awesome show though a little scary at times. Owells. Time for bed. Jiayou Agnes. Brace yourself.

Perfect imperfections

Perfect imperfections

There is something, I swear,

that is the size of a tic-tac.

Tiny. Real tiny, yet so powerful.

It overwhelms me and swallows

me whole as if I were nothing.

Nothing.

It wasn't supposed to hurt so bad.

It wasn't supposed to hurt at all.

But I was there and she was there.

They were there too and it happened.

The world enclosed and I was the

only one with the subtle screaming

of my heart as my hands caressed

the unique texture of my result

slip.

I had planned to be pleasantly surprised.

This was not expected. No.

"If only I had another A, I'd be

satisfied". Yea right. If I had

another A, I would have asked for

another. Now I'm left feeling beaten

down over something as small as

a tic-tac.

What am I going to do now? Dates are

passing without waiting for me. Cruel

cruel time. The independent being.

I do not want to diminish

the meaning and significance of the

Harikiri, but I feel as though I

somewhat understand how much

shame can influence you.

That much.

What I cannot comprehend is my

inability to let this go. Everything

seems so surreal. Not a dream

but a figment of my imagination.

It is coming across as if providence

doesn't exist.

This is ironic, I guess, since I'm

agnostic. I've never shied away

aggressively from religion. I believe

I've probably been waiting for

something that would convince me

totally. This isn't it.

But who am I kidding? I wouldn't

have been urged towards God

if I had done well either. I'm

in a mess.

I just wish someone would tell

me what to do, that is,

of course, in accordance to what

I want.

I know I am going against the

norm all because I am afraid.

I am afraid that I cannot make it

to the norm; that I cannot make it

in the norm; that I cannot make it

out of the norm.

And, I guess, what I really

fear is that I would be part of

the norm and un-special.

I didn't stand out this time

and so I need to rectify that

by coming back with something others do not have due to the

very fact that they were better

than me in this horrid play

of fate.

I have to go overseas and be

different. My parents do not

understand my burning need

to be apart from everyone.

The more my mum tells me about

being like the rest, the more

agitated I get by the fact that

I was going to end up as a

robot of this society.

Studying abroad gives me the

opportunity to be different from

the society there and allows me

to be differentiated from the

rest of the people that the

Singapore education system tries to

produce.

Looking at a self-portrait of myself

now. It is a little bit deformed, due to

my lack of artistic- genius genes,

and it looks a tat bit abstract.

The fake smile; the sad eyes.

The nose looks perfect though.

As a whole, that picture is indeed,

perfect.

That's what I need to be now.

I am a little bit disoriented, I admit.

However, I need to put on a smile

to hide my crying emotions and

carry on with life. I'll let my

nose lead the way; make the

necessary decisions now and

wait for the next miracle to happen.

A level results

Recieved my results yesterday and am feeling beaten down today. They were not necessarily atrocious but the significant lack of As are sinking my emotions. Fuck everything man.

Sayonara vieil ami!!

It's not that I do not like you, or despise you, or hate you. It's more of me just not feeling as comfortable as I feel I would want to be when I'm around you. We are just not of the same kind. You probably feel the same. I know you may not hate or dislike me. I mean, why would you?? I saved your ass before and had to sacrifice my own opportunities to do so. You, by hell, should be grateful. We are of different breeds. You being the more independent, loud, and crazy. Me being the more relying, loud and crazy. My kind, we move in packs and never leave one behind. I'm sure you don't understand this. I don't judge you. You don't have to do so too, in my face with all those innuendos. Let's keep our space, least we clash outright and it would be like sec2 all over again. It's the order of things. being solo, I see that you have the advantage in winning friends over; not forgetting another extra boost by coming in as buy 1 get 2 free. Your influence is impeccable. Showing the rest how to ditch another when one is in desperate times and rubbing it in to show one's helplessness; weakness. My friend came through for me and i finally felt a sense of relieve ever since you took away my original plan. Yet, you still managed to make it a bad thing for me to trouble my friend, emphasising how you wouldnt even make your bf do that. Dearie, my friends are awesome and you just are not as fortunate to enjoy these kind of genuine friendship. But anyway tmr's your last day. Can't wait to see how life would differ and can't wait for your presently return after half a month. You know I don't hate you, bitch. But still, sayonara vieil ami!!

My thoughts on 步步惊心 theme of dreams

Decided to blog about a rather famous or popular drama series that have been showing recently- 步步惊心. I am still in the midst of enjoying the show but I've gotten random comments and description of the ending. Personally, I feel that a theme is more of dreaming rather than transcending time. That is, well from what I gathered about the ending. My comments shall be very personal and not at all absolutely right.

The play (I guess) bespeaks of the ability of one to manipulate ones dreams as well as the lack of control one feels in the surreal world. Her (lead actress' character) ability to control is seen through choice. Her choice of who she knows, who she is close with, who she falls in love with, her status etc. For example, she chooses which princes she knows on a personal level. She chooses them as they are the ones who have left a significant mark in history. The crown prince, the next emperor, the respected 8th prince, the goofy one, the chief commander and of course, a good looking one who shares her views so that she doesn't feel so lost in an era that does not belong to her.

She also chooses to be able to gain the respect of many, including high ranking persons such as the emperor himself. She chooses to be caught in the dilemma between two great catches, both of which are awfully fond of her. So between the two, who should she pick? The future emperor ofcourse. The final act of control lies in her impactful death.

The lack of control in ones dream is also shown through instances such as the inevitable end of her not being able to marry her "lover" and the earlier deployment as a palace laundry woman. The fear and anxiety she feels while serving his majesty, as shown through the diagnosis of the imperial doctor, also mimicks the feeling of a "mini heart attack" a normal person may sometimes encounter in his sleep.

I'm not criticizing the playwright as a professional critic or as a literature student. I am just giving my humble opinions on what I feel is a clever use of dreams. For all you know, this may not have even crossed the playwriter's mind. Just giving a penny of my thoughts here. It is still quite a moving show that I believe is worthy to watch. :))