Water reveals the past

Suddenly felt nostalgic about old school days and I thought about my JC times. I've made friends in JC but I kept in contact with none of them. Sure, we were fb friends and I occasionally give them a like or so but I would not ask them out for a meal on my own initiative.

I am seriously thinking about why this happened. I knew I never really liked my JC life. I didn't really like how I was in JC either, but I've never delved into it. I knew JC made me selfish but I just thought that it is actually more than that.

I am really a lot meaner in JC. Surely, secondary school was not perfect (immaturity caused me to do a lot of things that I would probably slap myself in the face with.) but JC... wow. I really was a lot meaner and the worse thing is that I didn't even realise it.

I always say that people in my JC was stuck up and selfish, which caused me to be selfish as a form of a defense strategy. Although there are people like this, I have to say that not all were. I guess I was just jealous. I was, am, jealous of the wealth that most of them have. I am also jealous with everyone's success with regards to academics as well as capabilities. Almost everyone was confident of themselves and this just made me feel like running into a hole. The fact that there is no hole to run into forced me to fight (as opposed to flight).

Firstly, I could not take any criticism. Seriously, I would just be so angry within that I would lash back, screaming at the messenger about how he/she sucks, if not more, just as much. It was my way to showing that I was just as good; my way of telling myself that I deserved to be there just as much as anyone else. Obviously, my deep core did not feel this way, else I would have been able to handle good-willed criticism much better.

Secondly, I was way too hard on people, mainly a particular girl. I think I may be absolutely freaking jealous of her, and for that, I made her life with me hell. And, I am sorry. We were so similar in personality that I guess I saw myself in her, but a better version with a more successful background (both family and individual). I hopped on every chance I got to show how she screwed up and held that against her neck the whole way through. She seems to be doing rather well now and shit am I still jealous. But, I am happy for her and I wish for better times for her.

I really do not like how I was in JC and I felt that being away from that environment has let me reflect how I was. I felt an intense need to defend myself and my place in JC. Now, I no longer need to and I feel more at ease. Being in one of the top JCs may not be the best choice for your character although it may be able to push you to greater heights with your academics. Still, I guess if you can reflect on yourself constantly and keep yourself grounded, you should be fine.

It's been more than the longest time since I've written a monologue. Agnes needs to hit the sack now. Company law seminar awaits in the morning.

New attempt!

We Are Young/Hey Soul Sister

Novice with some adjustments

So I got a few comments with my first arrangement of "If I ain't got you". This is my adjusted one. Hope it sounds better (and definitely less boring!)

Amazing saturday

Choir outing was really fun. Got to know a few more juniors and had a great time with friends.

ONE concert reminded me what we should strive for. Probably should not have let my expectations drop that far. One thing I feel we have over them was feeling. The last song was grand beyond compare though.

It was a blast at Timbre. Started off rocky with a totally unnecessary hiccup but awesome night nonetheless. Got meself a few free shots, courtesy of the cute bartender there.

Same touch, no longer weird. Maybe talking was good. Got really bad when it happened but it seems worth it now.

It was a day without worries. Amazing.

Burnt

Burnt
You and I, both volatile.
What were we thinking?
Something. There must have been something
that drew us together like a moth towards the light.
You were mesmerizing,
as long as I didn't look into your eyes,
and I'm sure I was too.

It was ecstasy with you,
as long as I didn't care for anything you.
Like giant fires of passion,
we gravitated towards each other.
You and I, by leaps and bounds.
It was like we were one body.

But that's just it.
We were one body and just the body.
Nothing more but we needed nothing more.

We were so close. So close we clashed so
ever uncomfortably.
Burning each other. Scalding our souls.
That was for questioning more.

Scarred, we dare not venture to further premises again.
All burnt out now, the smoke so suffocating and dark.
There is no more light to guide our way.
I can hardly look at myself.

Alone

Alone
The loneliness is driving me crazy.
Life has no color.
Hell, it's not even a silent movie.
Everything has just been reduced to nothing.

I stand in the middle and there is just nothing around me,
mirroring all the crazy thoughts and feelings inside.

I am not numb.
I feel empty.

My heart sinks and sinks and sinks.
I wonder what it would be like in the palm of my hand?
Could I speak to it? Is it still alive?
Could it listen?
I have been listening hard to it but it makes no sound.
The general of the army, that is the whole of me,
has gone down.

Every soldier lost. Gossips everywhere but
I hear nothing.
I stand in the middle and there is just too much going on,
mirroring all the crazy thoughts and feelings inside.

I am not empty.
I feel alone.

A way

I need to find a way out of this overwhelming nothing.

Wicked

My stomach in knots; my gut, wrenched. I've never felt like a more awful person. How could anyone, anyone, in the right mind let go of someone who has loved them more than I could fanthom? Before him, I have never seen pain in so much light. His face burning up to a brilliant red. His lips quivering as his soft spoken words flow out like melody from a lark. I could feel his hand on my cheek and how could I?! How could I have been so wicked and horrible. I'm incorrigible. How could someone who wants to hold him in my arms say those mean words to him? How can I live with this? He loved me

He loved me with all his heart. I can see it in his face. His need to make this all better. For my happiness, he gave up his. For my happiness, I gave up his. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish! There was nothing on my face. It was blank. No emotions. Nothing. Cold heartless bitch. I didn't have the decency to cry. I do not deserve him. He loved me. He loved me. He loved me. 

I wish I could have given him a pill or a shot or any miracle to make him forget about me. I do not want him to hurt. He should be carefree and happy and getting on with life. But he is not. And it is because of me. I did this to him. I broke him. How can I hurt him so badly when all he ever did to me was the exact opposite - love. What a witch! The universe works in mysterious ways. 

He took me soaring through the clouds and he never let me go. He brought me everywhere e imagined. We had so many experiences and so many memories together. Now those memories cut through him like shurikens of the sky. He shouldn't have to endure this. We cut off his wings and now, I'm falling as well. 

Closed Doors

It has been forever since I blogged. I am starting to miss my Singapore life quite badly - I miss my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my school, my choir, my piano. I miss my support structures, especially since my "roomie", Clara, is off on holiday. It's quiet and lonely here alone over the weekend. I need music. Or a poem.

Closed Doors
Fly with me, my darling.
I want you to feel the freedom that is
so precious nowadays.
Feel the wind on your face; the wind
you create from your speed.
You are in control now. I am going to let go.
Fly, my darling.

Enjoy it - the immense pleasure.
It is all so dreamy and woozy and just magnificent.
You are magnificent.
I am magnificent. This feeling... it is... remarkable
to say the least.
Breathe in the air, my darling.
Let it fill your lungs. Your red bloody lungs that thump with your bloody red heart.
Feel the adrenaline. Stupendous.
Feel the rush. Feel every blood vessel dilate.
Let's get higher.

Push, my darling.
Push it through. Soar.
Clench your muscles, they are intensified.
No one can see you in this night sky.
You are in space with the stars.
Gaze. They are like fireworks all around you.
Yes, the feeling. This feeling bursts from within.
You feel it on-, in-, under your skin. Whatever.
You don't give a fuck.
Just let yourself go.

Gasp. You gasp and the sun smiles at you warmly.
Time to go home, my darling,
open your eyes.

The mask dictates

The mask dictates
"May I go out?" Stay in, bastard child.
Hide in the shadows. The light is not for you.
You will meet no one. No one.
No one will ever know you exist.
No one will ever hear your voice.
You are nothing.
Go back to your corner and cover your face.
You sicken me.
Move along now.

"Do you love me?" Of course I do.
You embarrass me. Move your ass else I'll kick you.
And shut your face.
Do not talk to me. Turn away.
Your eyes, so innocent, has seen more evil than
any putrid smiles. Trust no one.
Only I can protect you.
Now put on this veil.

"Why do I hide?" To save our face.
Think of what happens when people lay eyes on a bastard
like you? So useless. So unwanted. So incapable
of anything in this world.
This wonderful world is filled with laughter.
Are you happy? I thought so.
Bastards do not have a hint of bliss in them.
You do not belong.
Keep still now or I'll slap your cheek and chain you up.

"Do you want me?" Get down.
You need a whipping to learn your place.
Yes, you will learn like how you have been.
Every lash will let you grow.
It is your food. It is your water.
You crave it, don't you child? "Yes Mam."
Get down. Cover up those scars.
I don't want to see them.
They are disgusting.
You disgust me, love.

Back to the corner. Crawl, if you can.

Good girl. I'll put on your favorite song.
Melancholy, isn't it?
Hum it for me at the back of my head.
That's nice. You are a sweet little thing.

A penny for my thoughts

Arrived in Maastricht about a week ago now. The small town is nice but I still problems navigating. The red bricked houses all seem like the same to me and every corner I turn is just a replica of the previous one. I like the ambiance the place gives off though. There is a flair to it. Although trees are mostly bare, blooming flowers can be seen in pots near every other window. The barren tops make the bushes and the grass seem so much greener with so much more life.

It is cold. It is not bone shivering ice age here but it is cold. A sweater does not suffice during the night but a beanie and scarf may be an overkill during the day. The breeze when I stroll down the blocks freezes my ears but tickles my cheeks. The weather and I... We do not have a love-hate relationship but rather a like-dislike relationship.

I've grown slightly accustomed to the calcium-rich water here. I don't mean this in the good way. I very much prefer my bottled water but the upkeep is just way too high. I'll probably buy my water for when I venture out. After I finish my last bottle, I'll just keep to tap.

I miss home. I really miss the easily accessible food there and the cheap everything. But I miss my family. I feel like I'm growing to be independent now but I'd like to have them around. Everything I do here is based on my conscious decision. I haven't asked for much advice except for money matters from my parents so far. I miss them. I miss my boyfriend too. I wished he was here with me. I see my friends who have their partners here and I wished he was here. Then again, I wouldn't have the opportunity to really be independent if he were.

Today, I just had my first lecture and I realised how much work is actually expected of me. I hope I can catch up with the Dutch peeps who have been doing this since their first semester. I want to excel, not pass. I want to succeed.

It drives me

I am utterly mind blocked with what to write for my final engagement under my internship. Why does my school have to have this last component as a closure. I believe that some things are better left unsaid and actions throughout the whole experience mean the most.

Once again, I have not been updating my blog for a long time. I don't know why I keep doing this - saying I'm sorry for not updating and then not update it for the longest time (which is an awesome song btw). Anyway, I did tell me colleague (who has been secretly spying on my blog) that I would write an entry. Since, I've finally managed to get almost sufficient sleep today, I thought I'd write one now.

It would be great if I could think up of something to write. Urgh. Internship has been... hrm... It has been fun but exhausting. Well, fun isn't really the word I would use. It has been enriching and the people have been great. It is, however, tiring and I believe I did manage to get a taste test of how life would be like as an auditor. I felt like auditing was my cup of tea at first, but then when deadlines drew near and peak came, the stress level in the room was off the roof. Working papers that gave me a sense of accomplishment after completion became just another working paper to fill up. Vouching documents which seemed like a relaxing slightly brainless job became just another step to prior to filling up my working papers. Still, I think I am suited for auditing.

This is why. I believe I work well with stress. Yes, I break down some times and this blog knows it much better than anyone has. But, stress has always been the companion to my biggest successes. It drives me.

Facing stress. Beating stress. Releasing stress.

You can feel it, everyone can.

Everyone is roaring with excitement.

The atmosphere is hot, fire hot, searing hot.

You feel your heart pounding like a prisoner waiting to be released.

You raise your hands.

“And in this corner, weighing over 180 pounds,

the one you have all been waiting for… YOU!”

The crowd goes crazy and they scream like a singular voice.

They spin around you and you clench your teeth.

You come back to the ring and you hear silence.

You’re zoned in.

You face a formidable opponent – one that has hardly been defeated.

He smirks at you.

You stare back. Staring always does the trick.

Fear or be feared. You don’t want to lose.

[I have to win.]

Choose your weapons.

You go for your gloves. Of course you go for your gloves.

Titanium covering plated gold. Your favourite.

It signifies your prowess.

Cheers of approval made you feel amazing.

You bite your lip as you put in your mouth guard.

[You can do this]

The other guy picked a shield.

“Idiot.”

Game on.

You know you’ve lost.