Why can't i be just like him?!

"why can't i be just like him?!"

remember those tantrum days when you want to be that person so badly cause he has like the brand new toy you really really want but don't have? of course right now you don't see every adult going like this, but maybe in their mind, it's a whole different story.

i remember that whenever i was asked if there was someone i idolized, i'd say "no". this was probably cause i was either too embarass to admit that or that there was really no one whom i idolized. think it was the latter one... *looks away*

haha. but i've been thinking lately, maybe i dont have a one and only super hero in my world, or at least the real world. maybe i think that if i had traits which others had, my life may feel much easier to handle.

went to bensee's blog recently and he was doing this 10 days, 10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1 things. (the reason why i listed it all out was cause i was too lazy to count or rather too lazy to open up my com's calculator to count) i thought it was kinda cool and wanted to try it out. but got lazy... lagged a few days. then he wrote other posts and THE POST kinda went out of screen. went to his archives but it just wont show me the post. got sian of trying and blog hopped back here.

long story short, i guess, one of bensee's traits is kinda maybe what i'd like to have. the reason why i said "one of bensee's traits" is cause i forgot what trait it was. like i said, i lagged afew days already.... yeap, but bensee is someone i prob look up to (for some reason that i've yet recall, but it'll get back to me... someday).

another person i think is Audrina. i just like the way she can just move on without regrets in what ever she does. she could forsake everything, even if she was on top of her game, and move on, be happy and never look back. (ok, some times she does look back and laugh. oh, and did i mention things just works out for her in the end.) i on the other hand, cant. even if i weren't on top of my game, i tend to hold on to everything i have. this is becoming bad. cause it's making me think twice before i go on to grab another opportunity... if only i could say "i dont want this anymore" and actually let go, my life would probably be happier. (or at least easier)

ok, so those i kinda the 2 people i admire a lil'. after the days of lagging, their names just keep coming to mind when ever i feel like writing this long dued post. hahas. *looks away again*

hahas. hrm... my twitter account is so no happening. i'm not doing anth with it... -.- just followed bensee though... but still not commenting on anth.... guess im just lazy (but i think you guys would have already caught that long ago)

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

ok today i went on twitter which is new to me. decided to tweet but dint know what to. since my past 2 (and only 2) tweets were all about how bored i was, i shall make my third special, by tweeting when i wasnt bored. so yea. i dint tweet.

i decided to follow people. so i went to go look and look. but no one caught my eye. i typed poems but nothing really made me wanna look at their tweets. so i thought... it has been a long long time since i wrote a poem. and here i am.

ok, so this poem, i have like no inspiration at all...

I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
Yet still not a thought in mind.
With such a short time, my brain seems blind,
Oh, none of my words are linking!

Got to get my head to make phrases,
And stanzas and verses four.
But it would be gore, to talk about war,
I feel like I’m lost in mazes!

So now I’m in a dead end again,
Trying to make this work.
No ideas do lurk, I’m definitely not perk.
Damn, I’m getting a migraine!

Come on, subjects fly to me,
Or else this poem won’t start!
With all my heart, I’m thinking but
It’s inspiration I lack, you see!

bored

ok. today i turned bryan down to go to his house to play so that i could do my work... my plan so failed... then sy asked me out to study, but the only place i could think of to study outside would be bryan's house. so that failed... now waiting to go out later around 8pm++.. bored now...

Happy Holiday

it has been so long since i blogged... princesses-wana-be has been sleeping. but she's up and going now... (i hope)

came back from Hainan. which was really fun :) my neighbour really knows how to plan a vacation. but, so many things happened and oh my god the cleaniness of that place...... that i cant describe it all here. well, i can, but im lazy.. yeap. so wont be doing a hainan post here.

it has been more than a week since i came back so many things to cover today. i hope i cover them. am kinda lazy....

the very next day after arrival i met up with sheng ying and had a good time. just gonna state it here, (check her blog to find out more).

the day that i really want to cover is last tuesday. 14 DEC. MY BIRTHDAY!! it was a good birthday. started off with NANDINI waking me up for a morning surprise. Loved it. but it gave me panda eyes too.

then was homework (which sounds bad) and Bryan (which makes it sound a little less bad) hahas. then i had lunch with Jarjar!! whoo!! havent seen her for a very very long time already. bryan came late, so he dint get to eat (aka lied to his mom). then we went to popular to get a few things (that obviously he paid cause he's like that and too stubborn to listen to us when we said no)

this is the sounds really weird part. bryan and i went to help his mom with the groceries at NTUC, then went wine tasting which was AWESOME. after that by the time we went back to homework, nic woke up and has done the math question that i left blank. so yea, if you havent noticed, we patched back. this rocked.

then bryan had to go swimming while me, sheng ying, cheowlin, kelvin, nic, shao heng, terrence and wei le went for dinner at pizza hut. BIRTHDAY SPECIAL (complementary cake) + CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (complementary singing of "i'm yours" with guitar by an employee) + NIC D SPECIAL (asking for complementary singing of "happy birthday" by the employee and friends) ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.. HAHAS. P.S. the guy sang flat. but its ok. :)

then we went for pool cause there was no where else to go. CL and SY didnt like the idea but they still went. i guess cause of me. BFFL man!! bryan came later, and the girls went off soon after cause they had to and were getting sian.

i reached home really late that night. 12++am. cause of the guys, refusing to leave... but i guess i was really pampered. all of them (with the exception of terrence), that's 5 guys, sent me home all the way to the doorstep. then they ran back to catch the last train. hahas.

LOVED MY BDAE SO MUCH. but now, i gtg cause i left with only 3 weeks to finish up hw and revision. and in the 3 weeks, there are so many days that i'm not going to be free so.. JiaYous Agnes!

CHEERS-

biggest bitch alive

"i love you" as a friend...

One thing occupied my mind in the afternoon. you called. but i couldnt listen to your explaination just yet. i just couldnt. hearing your voice... just brought back the dreaded memories of what you did. your indifference. and i could feel the tears. not in my eyes, but i could feel them. and i would not cry for you again.

i hung up. i told my mum and shengying what happened. my mum defended you and SY explained on your behalf. i felt like the biggest bitch alive, not being able to forgive and forget. well, more of the forgive part. im someone who NEVER forgets. i dont feel like a bitch after listening to what they said. i feel like one cause i cant listen to you.

i feel bad for not being able to give you a chance to explain. if i had, maybe we would be on tlaking terms again. i feel bad. but i didnt regret it. i treasure this friendship enough to have gone through so much. giving you chances after chances to explain. but you refused them, or rather, trampled on them.

i called you 5 times the amount you have. messaged you. and even visited your house. you?

now, you have to give me a chance to forgive you. i need you to reassure me that you do care about this relationship. im not angry at you. im DISSAPOINTED. you have to show me that you would go through miles for this friendship. im not expecting you to beg, but you to want this.

from what SY said, i realised that all was a misunderstanding. and i want to explain to you too. but im not too sure if you're worth the trouble at all. so since i cant do so infront of you. i shall just explain here.

1. Bball incident.

ALL the clique's contacts are grouped in my phone. if i were to ask the clique out, EVERYONE will get the msg. its impossible for me to not ask you out when i ask everyone else. besides, when did i ever ask ppl to play bball??

2. you as my entertainer huh?

i call you to pei me everytime im free is because i WANT to spend my free time with you. cause i see you as a very good friend. and you KNOW that every time im free, i would say im bored. DUH. its ok if you dont want to spend all those time with me. you can obviously tell me. or lie. i wouldnt know if you lied would i? but if you didnt like my company, why do you ask me out too? its ok. since you dont want me to ask you out, i wont. i respect your decision. but just make it clear to me, what IS your decision?

3. making you have to stop in the middle of your game to send me home.

i cant believe that you actually brought this incident up to SY. but anyways, since i still see you as a friend (whom i am currently not speaking to now), i shall explain it too. you know i was pissed that night. you know i cant go home that late. i was bugging you to go go go. and you said your game had about 30mins, 45mins to go. you knew. its not as if i was uncaring towards your precious game. i said. I SAID it was ok for me to go home myself. I SAID i would go home myself. YOU didnt let it. YOU said it was ok. so is bringing this up a stab in my back?

loads of questions on my side. will you answer them?

worthy?

我累了，不想再追究下去。因为今天我发现一件重要的事：
你不值得。

cause you refuse to tell

its already my 3rd post today.....

im starting to wonder if you were even human. dont even know why you suddenly needed to treat me like this. if i did smth wrong, i've given you more than enough chance to berate me. but you didn't. if i didnt do smth right, i've also given you more than enough chance to tell me. but you didnt. you keep saying it was nothing. so who is the one to apologise?

you? for treating me like this for no possible reason? or me? for any reason which you REFUSE to say. what. WHAT? WHAT is it?!

today i felt like a weight had lifted from my back. and this is no ordinary weight. its PW weight. any JC1 person would tell you how heavy it is. i thought nothing could be heavier, but the weight that was slapped right back on this evening was far heavier. so am i losing a friend?

should i be angry? or should i tear? are you worth it? you why cant you say the reason? you can choose. apologise or explain. there's no neither option. i cried in front of you. but you dint say i was wrong. i bitched about you in your face. but you dint say you were wrong. so who is at fault here?

i've always been me. you changed 180 degrees just for me. no one else. me. such honour. if only i could throw it back into your face. your face, i want to hit; roll my palm into a fist and just swing it through. impact.

how are you able to be soo indifferent to my tears? or so heartless to my vulgarities? you know i hate them. and would never use them unless.... unless smth serious. well, doesnt it show that you actually MEAN smth to me. but do i to you?

dont know who's the idiot here. you, for forsaking this friendship and everything we had. or me, for holding on to them?am i suppose to let go? pretend i've nvr known you. its hard. you're harder than HIM i suppose. i dont know anymore.

and why dont i know. cause someone refuse to tell...

tearing

breathing has never posed as a challange to me. but trying to do so is hard when tears are welling up in your eyes every second

I want some answers

I want some answers!
i dont even know what i did.
dont understand if i was wrong,
or you're trying to kid.

and what a day to choose it all!
my spirits high,
you crushed; it fall.

like a punch in the face,
coming from the back of your head,
cause your eyes had no contact with me,
looking as if i was already dead.

dont you know its not nice,
to play with feelings.
it should be a crime,
like murder and stealing.

you're an asshole,
with a nut for a brain.
stabbed me with ignorance and nothing.
my heart bled, cried out in pain.

i want some answers!
now confusion interwoven.
so giddy, spinning!
cant even finish this p...

happiness

hrm... its quite late le. but not tired so decided to blog... OP is this week. tmr, or rather, today will have our last dry run by our selves. hope we can rock it manz... back is aching from playing too much com. so going to go off soon.

yesterday was damn fun. going out with friends to sentosa, though buying food and getting on monorail experience was terrifying to the extent of inability to describe, simple games like frisbee, volleyball and dunking others into the sea water was hell lot of fun! miss all of em loads.

one more year to go. one more year of mugging hard (JC) and then it will be off to no man's land (uni). and then after that, i shall be fully equipped for battle in the work force. but first, have got to pass the A levels. *roll eyes*

owells. hope everyone was contented with their results. i dont think i ever felt extreme sadness after recieving my paper. disappointment, yes, but no extreme sadness. like i said, working hard may not always reflect on my grades, but not working hard would. so i guess i dont feel sad as i feel that i have tried. :)

it's late already.

nitey nitey

今天，小佳玲在阴暗的走道上散步，雨滴与微风轻轻地亲了她的脸颊。嘴角不禁地往上提，不由自主地漏出了个笑声。脑子里当然是充满了与朋友们分享的愉快的那一天；那幸福的一天。

my game face back on

it has been quite a long time since my last post. been to the blog quite a number of times, thought about what to blog quite a number of times too. just dint actually bothered to sign in and blog. isnt it lucky that the internet wont ever go mouldy?

got back my promo results already. not exactly estatic but am satisfied. cant ask for too much in life. got B B C D E for Bio Math Lit Chem and GP respectively. got to work on GP and chem. i guess i improved on most of my subjects except math. but think i deserved it for neglecting it.

yesterday i saw tears. practically flooding the LT. and i also saw joy bobbing in the sea. there was also others, though having diasppointment on their faces, kept their shoulders' strong for another disappointed face.

People were all thinking about their future. some thinking about the near future- how to break the news to their parents. some thinking abit futher- about whether they would get promoted. some worry about their A level grades, some worry about their career. the better ones were thinking about the extra H3 they would apply, while the satisfied ones thought about the ways to celebrate. yes, everyone was thinking about their future. i was thinking... cant remember it.

PW OP is comming up. and i think im far from ready. dont know how im fairing but im not as confident as i think i should be. people seem to not give me any comments at all. good or bad, there cant be no comments at all. i want concrete advice. i want to get better. this is not helping.

maybe i should get back to doing up my I&R... everything is sucking the life out of me. dont know how i used to be able to embrace everything that was shot at me. dont know how i used to be able to juggle everything. why is now so little, so boring, yet so exhausting? needa get my game face back on.

Caught Cha

Caught Cha
"I need you in this tub!
One brewing so green,
With bubbles of hate
And ingredients of mean.

A sprinkle of petals
From Sanguinaria Canadensis¹.
A dash of black widows
Glued to wings of Morpho Peleides².

Stir it with a bone
From a dinosaur’s paw.
Now, a few more earwigs.
Yes, in they fall!

Turn up the heat,
And ground hard those flies.
Make sure you don’t forget
To marinate the mice!

Put all those lizards in
Don’t let them go to waste,
And drop in a few eyeballs
Just to enhance the taste.

To give it a crunch,
Hrm, what shall I pick?
Ah, a few clipped toenails
Shall do the trick!

Bob your head in!
I’d like you well-done.
You know you can’t escape
So don’t try to run.

You should have known better
Than to be the snitch.
Guess that’s what you’ll get
For messing with a witch!”


¹ scientific name for the poisonous Bloodroot flower
² scientific name for the Common Blue Morpho butterfly

post promo

ok, so yesterday i had my last two promo papers. dint think i did very well for promos but shall heck it and enjoy (while i can) now (before results are released). reached home round 11+ yesterday after leaving bryan's house where he studied and i lazzed around. he looked stressed about math, but no one could beat han jun's face during dinner. owels, hope he felt better after my treat. :) (stupid $5.50 mango smoothie...)

ok, so anyway, i was thinking yesterday night whether to do smth sweet for them to encourage them for math. but i was too lazy. so now i shall encourage them for chem instead. hang in there friends!!

arhs.. but im too lazy again... guess that's what post-promo syndrome does to you.. hahas.

Missing the feeling of hating love

Missing the feeling of hating love
I have always been skeptical about many things.
Skeptical of this, skeptical of that,
yet until now, I still do not know what skeptical really means.

Recall the endeavors behind my moon;
every struggle so fancifully dined,
cocktails of poison so carefully concocted.
But I survived.

I survived by making myself survive.
The power all in my hands
to crush everything in my way-
(who am I kidding?)

I was never in favor.
Of jealousy and envy and
of pure dislike.
But I knew I was the middle class,
I was adroit.
And the cherry on the sundae,
was the love of young boys' hearts
Devoured!
Leaving only the branched skeleton.

Similarly now, but
I am on the other side.
Never liked love still,
Never loved one.
Full of envy and jealousy,
still disliked, yet as clever as a mad cow eating mead.
Self pity is ambivalent.

The pleasure of seeing a young boy's heart served
never appeared recent,
till here.
Why don’t I love one?
Why does it not skip a beat for any?
Conscience,
never thought I had it,
dug its way out of grounds to me.
Can’t slap a heart off the platter and smear it with feetsweat anymore.

I am no longer up there on the throne.
Just a lonely peasant,
feeling sad to say no
to a farmer's boy.

sick

slept at 6.30pm yesterday. woke up at 8am today. what sickness can do to you is amazing...

he's nice, but...

ok, so exams comming... just like every other time, me have high aims, low expectations, still slacking, should start working but not working, cross fingers and wack. loads of stuff to do, but cant start since its friday = rest day.

everyone needs a rest day. its important. anyone who doesnt have it, need to have a life. life is important. it keeps us living, so my bio teachers say. i guess its true. dead people dont have a life, thus they do not live. im blabbering now. shall move on.

today was techniquecally mostly quite fun. everything seems to be like how i want it except for one tiny little thing. my PW teacher is starting to piss me off. not that he is a bad person, but the way he carry himself and his utter lack of knowledge of the requirements of PW.

it was a total waste of 1hr and 15mins with him today.
number #1: berated our project in front of the class without asking. the berating part im ok with, but the permission lacking part of it, i dont feel too positive about.
number #2: like to talk about things that are irrelevant such as playing soccer, eating, his wife, his life, etc etc.
number #3: wasting precious time by repeating and repeating and repeating everything that ms moureen ng said in the 15mins she used. oh, and counts 22 uneeded words of the 3000 word limit. all BECAUSE he knows nothing that is required of us!! (ms ng contradicted so many things he said!)
number #4: keeps a flippant attitude towards his reservice doing us all a DISservice!

i want to get an A. he's a nice guy. but this "nice" attitude, with nice being the MOST insincere word in the dictionary, i highly doubt he has the ability to get me there. consulting other teachers, in my point of view, is a must now.

can i have a change of teacher to a more experienced one? cause im not so trusting to my teacher who has PW in its infancy stage.

first day of school or last day of survival?

OMG i cant believe im still up at 11++ doing homework. of course im doing my holiday homework, but i did have to do new homework set today and due tmr morning assembly. how nice right? talk about transition period. no, just come to school happy, energised, yet to be slapped in the face with cold reality that promos and comming and im lagging like shit. so much homework... im drowning!!

GP: esaay outline.... and summary of main points of EVERY para and metatextual questions for TWO compre. how to finish by today since tommorow is just 40mins away. this sucks. i still have to sit for my makeup timed compre i missed today, i think. argh... back to attempting to complete my homework.

sorry

you may have think i've forgiven you. but i cant just forget all that you've done to such a good friend of mine. i dont think you should expect all that a good friend should do from me. your sms yesterday hit me, but i cant cant make myself reply you. no, not to the 2nd sms. the first? well, i could. but i was tired and it dint occur to me to reply straight away "like a friend would", as you said it. i cant forget it. i'll treat you as a friend, i may think otherwise. yes, im a hyprocrite. but i really cant. my girlfriends mean too much.

Life

LIFE
its all about keeping your hopes and dreams alive
through love and pain; laughter and cries
holding onto faiths when dealing with reality
making new friends, embracing love and family

dont know why im writing this poem
guess i was bored from reading top woman
the throught struck my head while i was lying on my bed
and thus i decided that i should create

to talk about life and all its misgivings
all the great things which education is missing
all the set backs which we have to take
all the hard decisions which we have to make

but to just say this is an understatement
dont you remember the great big agreement?
that for every sucky thing, there will be one awesome
for every delicious, there will be one grossome

so with obstacles, there will be friends
whose helping hands would be glad lend
and family who will be there always
supporting through night and encouraging through day

so there's nothing to fear when facing life
no need to retreat, be angry or sigh
so stand up straight and aim for mars
shine down the spotlight and you're a superstar

my cleaner friend

ok, today's post's intention is abit different from any of my posts ever since i started this blog. today's post is due to the pressure from a friend. this friend is very special. he helps to keep our sch canteen clean by wiping one part of one table everyday early in the morning. he is super mugger and makes me feel like the ultimate slacker ever. yet, today i saw another side of him during bio concentration camp. hahas. dont want to say it least he kills me (though i think this para is sufficient to boil his blood). and in order not to embarass him in this blog, i shant announce that his name is WEE BOON. ;) *winks*

ps. pun in title

im complicated

im complicated? i just do stuff, some which i let you see on purpose and some i dont. i say stuff, some which are real and some, not lies, but unreal. i do nothing but stare at you to make you think of alot more than you should. i raise a hand and you just imagine how surreal this is. im walking nowand your mind goes bonkers by thinking of what i will do next. i still dont say a word and yet you look like you're about to pull out your hair. i move closer and you cant breathe. i move away and you feel grieved. i swagger away, leaving you with nothing.

ok, if you think that this para had any significance to my life, you're wrong. well, a bit right. the feeling you get is right. actually, its not. the first sentence is a right question. i have no answer to that, unfortunately. i just happened to want to pen that down. is that how you feel? did i depict it correctly? (with you being a specific group of people) (and i being i, although the i in the para is another specific group of people)

wowz

ok.... i was about to write the blog about the big revealation i had today after sleeping till noon, but i just had to receive a call so timely to do the WR.... how nice. so i guess i shall stop here and get to things.

supposed to be stress but not its not my job

was supposed to be doing lit graded assignment now since its due tmr and i havent started on it. but circumstances changed and im supposed to do pw now, which is also due tmr. plus, i havebio and chem hw due tmr, with bio and math tests to study. which i have all not started. so it kinda means im not supposed to be doing this now. but hey, shall heck them for now.

went to my blog, which is this one. yes, the current one you're looking at now. dint want to blog at first, just wanted to peek at who had tagged me. nothing different. the only thing that changed is that WX tagged. but i've already replied her, so its not new news. then i realised that her name had the linky thingy, and found out that she had moved her blog. went to read it and found out its kinda started off gloomy so i shall start preaching to her with wise words of wisdom. (its kinda repetition- wise and wisdom)

normally, i would spam her tagbox with my wiseness but her new blog has no tagbox, or at least i cant find it, so i shall write em' here. :) WANXIN!!! smile more. laugh more. and if you think its too hard to do that, look into the mirror. or, alternatively (pw), you can look at my photo! and its ok to cry when you feel like it! as l0ng as you collect your tears so that you dont waste water! (its a limited resource) smile smile smile. love your blogskin. dont change!!

owells, at least your recent posts sounds less sad and more happy and funny and weird. (which is typical normal wanxin) hahas. miss you loads. muacks.

ok. so since im done with this and changing her link, i shall get back to chionging hw, mugging tests, and hating Tess durbeyville. think i spelled wrongly, but i dont care. hate her/it (depending on if you see her as female or paper). byes for now. adieous!


oh shit tmr still got TDC rehearsal... as backstage assistant manager, i cant stand it when ppl dont listen to direct instruction. as a crew member, i cant stand the way the concert manager is not involved yet gives criticism and shows a black face when things dont go her way and she does nothing. as a performer and part of TDC, i cant stand the way the teacher also shows a black face and does not acknowledge that CT reps are doing her a favour to organise this and not she doing us a favour in crticising us. as an NJCian, i cant stand how the concert is quite shitty( aka, i wouldnt even want to go for TDC) yet, im in no position to give my comments about them. im in to position to thank the CT reps for their help. im in no position to do anthing but follow instructions, take their shit, and make sure ppl are where they are suppose to be on that day.

reality

wow. cant believe YOG is over already. kinda regret not enjoying the process, although i haveto admit it was kinda tough and tiring. hahas. today was funny... 2 atheletes hitted on me. and in order to not sound so full of myself, i would let your imagination fly and stop describing what happened. moreover, i felt so important infront of a contingent of policemen... cause its so late now, shall not describe either... come ask me if you wanna know.

i have got to stop being such a spoilt brat whenever i dont get thingsi want.is it the fatigue that brings me down? or is it the pre-sighted fatigue? im not putting up a front. at least i hope im not. i dont think i am. i dont feel so. but the pain of putting up a front is just as painful as the pain i feel somewhere. unknowns are so scary but that's reality. tmr is a long day cut down by half and plus an extended rehearsal. tmr is reality.

my kite

i know i just blogged today but since my mood has changed i find it fit to blog again. so i just incidentally sang afew of my primary sch choir songs. at that time i was so happy. and the only thing that could upset me was "i don't friend you arh!". i sang the songs as if i were back there. 11 years old. not giving a shit about the conductor. dint really heed whatever he was saying. all i cared about was to sing loud loud. like that, will get "good good".

although i sang softly to myself and that the songs started off quite not so happy melodies, i felt the wonder of singing again. it was no longer stress. no longer effort-driven. no longer a responsibility; a burden. it was just "sing!". breathe whether in between sentences, phrases or words. when im out of breath, breathe. change the keys in the middle as i deem my voice fit. and of course, no focus. and i realised the songs were sounding happier and happier.

my primary school songs had messages. meaningful once. unlike now, when im singing songs i do not even understand or pronounce, for that matter. and the songs mean nothing to me. whereas in primary school, the songs, my songs brought me through life.

i will reopen my scores once more and not practice them, but enjoy them. and for the songs i have to practice. they would have to wait. i need guidance in my life now, so burdens have to wait their turn. im going to find the love for singing back once again. i shant let it fly. i'll tie tightly onto it. please do not tug me too tight till i break, for if you do i'll fall to the ground while you soar to the unknowns.

picky picky picky

hrm... dont know how life has been anymore. it feels good to withdraw but to do that aint as i please. friends used to be almost everything in this life but now friends are either out of reach or.... well, out of reach. via distance and time. not that im lecturing about time travel now but that its so hard to be with my friends when they are either not eating, lessons or doing cca work. that stinks. used to be busy but hated it. freer now and im lost. im just too picky to live

NJC field

NJC field:
what a funny sight i saw!
a few islands standing tall,
surrounded by an ocean green.
where has all the drainage been?

puddles here, tiny ponds there,
this predicament is never rare.
splashes there and splashes here,
no! to be wetty is what i fear.

i see the goal posts at the end,
like suken ships that were once grand.
cant hold it in, have to laugh out loud
oh shit, i've gotten myself a crowd

in the air such humidity!
above you roofs leaking.
i wish i wish with all my will,
that NJC wont be floody still.

its just wrong

I CANT BELIEVE IT! YOU, FOR ALL PEOPLE ARE GIVING ME THIS KIND OF SHITTY ADVICE?! TELLING ME TO GO ON AND GO FOR IT? SERIOUSLY! DISSAPOINTED. ANGRY. AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY? GET WELL, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. THINK THROUGH ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME BEFORE FACING ME ONCE MORE.

?

today i dint go out with the clique even though i wanted to so badly. had to study for the countless tests i have ater the hols. but to no avail. argh. akshay is complicating my heart matters. that sucks. was feeling awesome before that. dont know what to write now.

im no longer putting up a strong front. im building a fort now.

nothing

no big revealation like the previous few posts. so i guess. nothing happening to everything is something good. :)

this is probably the most significant thing that happened today- i listened to this song. love it loads. dad says im growing older thats why i start liking 70s music...-.-

I get around by Beach boys
Round round, get around
I get around
Yeah Get around ooooooo
I get around
From town to town
Get around round round i get around
Im a real cool head
Get around round round i get around
Im making real good bread

I'm gettin' bugged driving up and down the same old strip
I gotta finda new place where the kids are hip
My buddies and me are getting real well known
Yeah, the bad guys know us and they leave us alone

I get around
Get around round round I get around
From town to town
Get around round round I get around
I'm a real cool head
Get around round round I get around
I'm makin' real good bread
Get around round round I get around
I get around
Round Get around round round oooo

Wah wa ooo
Wah wa ooo
Wah wa ooo

We always take my car cause it's never been beat
And we've never missed yet with the girls we meet
None of the guys go steady cause it wouldn't be right
To leave your best girl home now on Saturday night

I get around
Get around round round I get around
town to town
Get around round round I get around
I'm a real cool head
Get around round round I get around
I'm makin' real good Bread
Get around round round I get around

I get around
RoundAh ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Round round get around
I get around
Yeah
Get around round round I get around

Get around round round I get around
Wah wa ooo
Get around round round I get around
Oooo ooo ooo
Get around round round I get around
Ahh ooo ooo
Get around round round I get around
Ahh ooo ooo
Get around round round I get around
Ahh ooo ooo

stand by me

finally! the long week end is here... i cant say that its long awaited since the blur me dint know it was going to be a long weekend. but still, you can be blur but feel happy about it. :)

woots. its high time everyone gets a break. take off those chains of academics and fly!! ok, im just talking gibberish now.. fly? come on, overdoing it right??

but yea, im glad that theres smth to allow me to rest. although there's still YOG rehearsal tmr, i guess its ok since i recieved a few peices of good news. ha! i have an extension for my PW EOM deadline! finally, YOG is doing smth good for us instead of just wasting our time waiting at the holding area.

today we had NDC in school. i think the NDC couns must be feeling so relieved after handling so much stress. then again, when can couns ever feel not stressed? council is a tiring and demanding cca.

performed today and even had the aeroplanes for S'pore NDP grace us with their pressence. cool.

i realised that im someone who doesnt reaslly get in touch with my feelings unless i face them directly, in the sense that i start talking about my problems. i never knew i was such a person. guess NJ has its silver lining of its massive gigantic rain cloud. dint think i would keep getting so emotional when the mouth opens.

so here, instead of just voicing what i've discovered, i want to, also, thank 2 friends. they rocks ttm. she has always been there and he, though calm, understands. getting it is what everyone wants. support is what everyone needs. more so, teenagers. much more, me. muacks to the both of you.

cant wait to start enjoying my deserved/undeserved rest. but then again, there are still loads to catch up on. loads to do. loads to face. whether teary eyed or not, i shall do it bravely. cause i know, im never alone.

Stand by me
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see

No I won’t be afraid
No I won’t be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea

I won’t cry, I won’t cry
No I won’t shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darling, darling stand by me
Stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

im done

damn. i think i should be called princess-cries-alot. teared today again. and my friends are just taking the toll and wrath of me. i dont think its suppression of my own emotions. its just the suppression of my own personal space. wait. thats wrong. it should be the LACK of my own personal space...

for every window of slack i find to breathe in the air, someone just has to lock it tight. really. i remembering being happy. it seems so vague now. i want to apologise to my friends. yet im tired. beat. exhausted. but dead? no, dying. yes dying. the feeling of dying as contasted to not feeling dead. confined beneath a lead sky, between lead walls, lying on a lead bed. and if you dont get what i meant, i just described a coffin.

its the last straw. im done. i want to get out. but then i would feel apologetic towards it. damn. i hate last minutes. i should some up with a system that ppl have to book an appointment to get me!! i know i've said "no" to many things. i have sacrifised many. so why am i too busy for me to handle?

no i wont do stupid things. i wont make ppl worry, but i cant find a way out except for the extreme. how then, can i relieve myself? i see examples of escape everyday. i dont approve of it, but i cant deny that they are effective cause i see them perky all the time. while im just a walking vampire.

should i listen to my teacher and take a break? I CANT TAKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!!!!

bubble

seriously, i dont know what's wrong with you!! i promised and you're making me break it. i did what i gave my word on, so why are you forcing it back down my throat? no. no more. i cant go on like this. im re-building my happy little bubble

30min lecture on you

30 minute lecture aint for nothing. you dint reply my message. asleep? forgot? i hope for it to be... i dare not think of the worst. tmr we shall see. you shant make me worry no more

:):)

my head was caught in a spiral today. no more negative emotions, even if there were, i was probabbly still smiling. talked to him today. should not have done it. it was weird talking to him as student and cher rather than friends or enemies.it was just weird..... ON the other hand, i nailed my song for rehearsal! at least i dint paisei myself infront of everyone! woohoo~

tiara's shinning again

my day started energised with anxiety and happiness that overwhelms fatigue. but who doesnt feel fatigue?? especially when you have to wake up at the point of time which just feels like the best time to carry on sleeping. anxiety. anxiety due to the loss of my pet hamster. scouted the entire house for it... only to realise it was just beside its cage. happiness. from my phone call, the day before, with my friend. 2 years of friendship. its obvious how close you are by watching the echoed sighs.

so today was great, at lest it started off great. its been long since i felt so much happiness inside me that just had to spring out, and afew setbacks arent going to make me go through another downpour. my blog has sounded so sian and dark nowadays that i found it only proper to set the princess wanna be blog to sound more princessy. after all, image is almost everything to an immature mind, aint it?

i have never knew how much i actually honour all of you as friends until i realised that we can go through all things together, until i realised that i would feel pain when seeing yourself suffer, until i realised that i feel like strangling you for a mistake you did that should not have affected my, until i realised that you just put me right back into my happy place when ever you see a tingge of wrongness in me.

you just seem to do everything right, although you always look like you're doing everything wrong at the wrong time at the wrong place. i guess that's why we are aquainted with each other. today was a sleepy day for me. i guess that's what you get for staying awake late at night talking to your sec sch friend, but however worth it, it sucks to have to stay awake when you have already drifted away.

fear no longer overwhelms me. i "feel the love" (as quoted from a section of the RMUN times of the security council) from everywhere. it makes me wonder if i have given enough love. my eLmo days makes me unable to think straight to share a peice of my loveliness with the ones surrounding me while my happiness, so entraped, suddenly released is unable to process anything but pure joy inside that i forgot to give my friends a warm hug. fear, right now, is only a pet. one, controlled by my surroundings. it shall never be unleashed, for it may get out of hand once again.

i guess im just happy to be unable to think things in a negative way. im hoping for the best and the worse no longer haunts my precious mind, which is so not multi-taskable, that can only process one lesson at a time/ one worry at a time. i guess, as compared to the suckiest day ever, today was just wonderful to the max, and i would ask for nothing more (with the exception of food)

dieting may not be the hardest thiing ever, but it is hard to resist temptation.

loads of work to do, but aint going to do them today. today is supposedly "my best day ever" (as quoted from spongebob), thus i shall sleep SOON. :)

last few sentence fragments of the day as quoted from Mik: "preeetty. preeeetty brave. erm. pretty and brave. good hearted. preeeetty, brave and good hearted. pretty, brave, goodhearted and SWEET"

oops, i cut myself

Agitated. just agitation. furious. afraid. worried. dint think anyone could feel so many emotions at once.

the red long thin thing on my hand mirrors my good friends. how i wish for it to go away....

dear volcano, do not erupt

I totally can’t believe how i can actually be so vulnerable in front of another. People say that it takes a lot of courage to tell someone in the face how you feel about him, but I think it just takes a few tears, lethargy to move and friends who stand by you.

Seriously, I was at a loss for words. Just looking at his arms breaks my heart and hearing another blatantly calling them “bar codes” is too painful to start describing without having my cheeks washed involuntarily with strips of water. I wondered if anyone has cried in front of him before…

Every time I’m with him, I put up a strong front and act as happy as he appear to be just cause I don’t want my emotions to affect him. I feel like such a loser friend. Am I not good enough for him to open up to? Am I not caring enough to show him that there are people who care?? His way of emotional relieve is added burden to everyone else emotionally.

This is NOT the way to go and punish you. Failure should not be unacceptable. Instead it should be embraced and learnt from. Some failures and mistakes may follow you your whole life, but the price you put on it is too high. Too high for me. Too high for your family. Too high for your friends. And too high for you. NEVER forget that.

STRESS. Everyone gets it. Don’t act like as if you are the only one who feels like erupting inside. I believe every JC student and many others out there are feeling the pressure. But, you don’t see red REAL lava spilling out of everybody.

You have no right to do this to us. Neither do you have the right to do this to yourself. I know you’re trying and I know it’s hard. I know there are changes, but the changes are for the better. You’re learning to appreciate that, like how you told me. Embrace it.

People are no blocks of wood that walk pass you time and again. I am no block of wood. I am alive. So are you. Talk to me. You do know how to open your mouth right? If I’m not close enough, it’s ok. Talk to your other friends. Talk to someone. Anyone! Don’t bottle it all up.

My eyes feel sore now, but I guess they were worth it.

Hopefully you’ll still be here with me tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day…

Boing!

Today I attended a relationship workshop. And it has got me thinking in another direction of things. And of course, naturally, it has got me digging into my own past. my box of recollections. Surprisingly, the first guy that came into my mind was not someone whom I had the potential to say I do to. It was my dad.

I guess it’s the same, but I guess it’s different in a way too. But how different are they? They are both love. One is to a guy 32 years older than me, another is to less bearded people, and the last is to the one who can and will protect me decades into the future. Saying this, I can’t help to see what an immature thought to think that such a guy will appear in front of me in the short term, much less thought of it before in my life’s history.

I realized that I’m starting to prefer blogging in Chinese to English. Probably because I feel that Chinese is a more emotional language? And that when I start tying in English, I start to create weird grammar that only I (or any other weird personnel) can understand. But then again, I guess they produce different results, and either way, you get my point.

So yea, past BGR love would mostly not be talked about here now. I just cant see how I could indulge in such immature thinking in the past. Met my junior yesterday. I understand how she felt about wanting to not care but be loved. I had that feeling before, and ended myself up in such a huge mess of a life segment. Actually, it wasn’t a mess of MY life segment. I think I screwed the other party up instead, and for that I’m sorry.

So I was thinking and thinking about the former 2types of love, and the result that came out should probably be applicable to the latter one. I realized that I am not perfect. I concluded that my dislikes and mostly what people detests too. I expect a lot from others. I give some too, but I just don’t know if I shortchanged the other guy.

Accusations. Remember me saying how I just hate being accused? Well, I still do, no change in stance for that. But the thing is that I realized that I do accuse. Maybe not on a big scale, but I do accuse. I think its time to start reflecting on myself more often, instead of always reflecting in the shower after what’s done has been done.

So the relationship workshop has got me digging into myself. Who am I? I’m ready and eager to find out. But I shall have patience and discover.

I can’t believe I’m quoting this, but at least it shows that I did listen to morning assembly:

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

shock Gasp HORROR!

today, afew shocking things happened.

1st: Bork was at kbox! betcha wouldnt believe it unless you were there. well, i only have smth to say- peer pressure rocks sometimes. :)

2nd: terrence sang! hahas. i think this was the first time i hear him actually singing. hahas. lets have a next soon.

3rd: han jia is still existing! after a whole half a year of MIA, i now finally can say with ease that she is still indeed on this world and planet. she did not disintergrate or disappear! lets try to ensure this more often yea?

4th: all of us still had the energy to rock on after the terms and CTs and MYEs... hahas.

cant wait for another outing. a real one. one that does not involve books and notes or any upcoming dreadful things that could only have us thinking for the worst. hahas. owels. its damn late already... so i shall bid adious for now. sweet dreams everyone

回忆起朋友所送出的幸福

好久没有那么痛快的玩一整天了。虽然说没离过蔡厝港之地，但只要有朋友们在我左右，那里都是我们的天下。哇！今天真值得纪念。

好不容易有机会见到朋友们。十六年的时间如此快的飞过，与朋友共享的时间一瞬间就没了。那为什么就这半年感觉好像时间已累了，慢下了脚步，故意让我难熬？很多人都说时间是不等任何人的。但我认为时间是偏心的。它把快乐的时光缩到你只能用回忆来享受，却很慷慨的逼你感觉苦道的每一个点点滴滴。

一转眼，今天就已结束了。当我用飞速经过了今天，我焕然发现我并没有快乐地过这一天。我发现今天我没有一种幸福的感觉。虽然我有说有笑，但这整整的一天，我的脑海里都是空的。（真浪费！）今天我都么认真地想要与朋友们一起出去游玩、心里想的是要与朋友们共享时光，却忘了停下，把幸福的空气狠狠的吸进去。

时间真会振人。

可能这就是回忆的作用吧。回忆是提醒我们在好的时光时要慢下来好好的吸收它的氧气的闹钟、回忆是让我们在生活里有多一丝的后悔以及学会更加珍惜的大喇叭教授、回忆是在我们觉得可惜时，在我们的身上散发一些爱的有情机器。

回忆是。。。 。。。美好的；而与朋友共同享受的时光已经在我的回忆里。

crooked

you know how people always go online after the exams and then gloat about how the exams are over, well, i am one of them. Thank God exams are OVER! now to sort some issues with myself. gotta straighten my life out.

dark with a slight drizzle

today, on my way for math tuition was agitation before tears. i dont know how something so trival and supposedly fixed could blow up so much emotions in one little girl. i dont understand why and i dont know what i want anymore. i know im someone who expects alot back from another, but now i dont even know what to expect.

please find your way back. the real you.

今天佳玲的天气-雨天

my intestines

i think its just a gut feeling that something is just not right. smth deep inside. i guess you should understand why.

不要再闹失踪了！

哇，真的是不骂不行！

不死心的我又很厚脸皮地问了他。但他确实还是不回答。真的从来没看过比他婆妈的男人了。这次，我试试对着他双眼问他，但却发现我做不到。我也发现他跟我说话时，一样没有举头望我。这种尴尬，若不是有jiawei如此强烈的说话能力，一定会让我再次有个失望的一晚。所以，今天部落格里所要写的，不单单是要好好的骂他如此笨拙幼稚的处事方法，而也要好好地谢谢我的数学补习老师。

把心情说出来真好。虽然他还是无法给我一个满意的答案，但我现在不再在乎了。因为，我们真的好好地坐下来谈（因该说我坐他站）。这次，他不再跑了（因为没地方可跑）。而以我个人认为，今天我们之间的尴尬减少了许多。

我问了他：“我们之间真的要继续这样下去吗？”原来把话题扯开，开始说别人的是非是他的答案。我对此也非常的满意。我能说，今晚，我已找到了我失散半年的好朋友。

好了，别一直称赞jiawei了。虽然他的确帮了我不少，但若继续下去，他必飞上天。但是，如果在此停笔会显得写得有点少，所以除了骂与称赞之外还是骂。

不知什么鬼灵感尽然在自己的部落格里写了个情书出来！里头还有我的几句名言！昨天一边很开心的写，一边很开心的读，一边很开心的挨骂。今天因该轮到我了吧！写什么情书嘛！没事做是不是？用这些时间好好的读书吧！头脑想太多，手指写太多，嘴巴念太多，耳朵得挨的自然会多！

今晚的心情比前两天好一点。从他们的身上能看到友情的珍贵。这两个瓜子在我生命中非常重要，所以我认为有个很大的必要再次呼吁两件事-给jiawei的：“情书少写为妙，今天不准再动笔。”与给他的：“不要再闹失踪了！”

you still ran away

looking back on what i've written yesterday i couldnt believe i had the strength to bear myself out and be so vulnerable infront of another via the internet. although it may not be face to face, but it was a starting point for me to head towards confronting the problem.

but maybe, confronting the problem is not the way to go? cause to put yourself out there only brings in disapointment when you dont get what you expected.

i guess when i wrote my post yesterday, i wanted nick to see it deep in my heart. as in i did not expect it, but honestly, i wanted it so. and i did get what i wished for. and more. what i did not expect was him to find out too, much less be bombarded with nick's voice over this.

i've heard from nick what he had to say but i guess i was just abit disapointed that he couldnt come up to me and confront me like a friend. instead he had to go through all that hardwork to act as if we were strangers. like i've said, pretentious- not a thing desirable.

i decided to confront him today. i expected a long walk home with him so that i had ample time to ask and get to the truth of it. but this plan was destroyed when math spoiled the day. but i still decided to confront him nevertheless. i needed to be true to myself and hear it from his lips for i value this friendship very very much.

I CANT BELIEVE HE STILL RAN AWAY even after hearing what i had said on my blog! i thought he would at least say smth useful, but i did not even recieve the most basic simple courtesy of a look in the eye.

i remember he telling me a story, when we were very close. a story about a boy and a girl who used to watch the sun set/rise on a hill but ended up crossing roads without a wave. you told me it was heart wrenching. how do you think i feel now??

i just receive a call from him. unexpected, but not initiated by him. on the phone, we had nothing to say to each other. i doubt he felt anth towards that conversation from his tone of voice, but i hung up before he did. just in case any one of the tears would betray me and my vocals.

i dont know how long i must keep up with the charades. i know he's done smth, but he still do not want to admit it. what am i to do now? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how you felt? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how I felt?

do i have to learn to constantly hang up the phone sooner than how i wanted the conversation to last? do i have to learn to be contented, the purpose unachieved, with the amount of useless info you do not regard to share? cause this kind of friendship is wearing me out. i just dont understand why you dont want to face the problem.

i dont know if you would see this post like you've done with the last. but if you do, i really do want to finish our forsaken conversation. i dont know what i would say, so i also do wish to leave the talking to you. maybe you could enlighten me. and maybe we can find a solution to this friendship and make it UNpretentious.

我把我的手指给交叉了

失去朋友的痛，虽然没有真正的自己体验过，但我认为我正散漫的一步一步接近它了。正不能相信如此亲密的朋友竟然能够无话可说，不对，应该是我有话说却不敢说，而他，可能都没有想说的意思。

记得我曾经对他说过，我们之间的友情若被时间的分离而慢慢疏远是可惜的。但现在，我再也没有这种想法了。疏远不是可惜，而是可悲、可哀的。真希望时间能倒转一下。我不知道我们的友情怎么会惨到这种地步。即使是疏远，也不可能这么的离谱。

明天又得见到你。看到你时，我不知道会不会有勇气与你说话，更不用说告诉你我的心情。你看起来好像不怎么在乎。若跟你谈心事，你会不会一口否认；把话题推开？你对此最擅长了。

一上学你就失踪了好一半年。一见面就如刚认识的朋友-尴尬到极点。就快要开学了。你应该又得失踪了、看起来你没什么选择。我们会在见面吗？见了会不会连朋友都不像，反而如陌生人一样-没见过。

省下不少天了。不知我想见你或不想见你。见你后，我都对我们的友情感到失望。不见你，却让我感到彼此根本没做朋友过。友情真的如此不能经得起考验吗？

我真的很害怕。我其他的友情会不会像我们这样的下场？

是你变了还是我改了？其实这对我并不重要，因为我们的友情很实在的改变了。相信这彼此都很清楚。连其他朋友都看得出，你这当事人应该没这么差劲。当我每次对你向前一步想抓住从前友情的一线光时，你总是缩进黑暗中。

干。这是我每次无意中被拒绝的感受。不好受。

五天。我只剩五天把心情告诉你。我只剩五天挽回我们的友情。我能成功吗？现在，我根本不在相信我的能力了。希望你能给我个满意的答案。 更希望我能把心事对你倾诉。

我把我的手指给交叉了。

being 16++

i think im losing my direction, or focus or what so ever. i dont seem to know what im supposed to do. ok, i do. as in i know what i have to do to get smth good. but what is that something good?? things dont go my way any more. nope. when i want smth, it just doesnt come. as in, yea, i worked hard. at least in my opinion, i did my best. i've been honest, and maybe real answers dont appeal? the lies triumph??

seriously, i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. im not aiming high now. im not reaching high either. im trying to grasp to the basics but i just cant seem to touch it, much less grab it. i feel like im losing a battle i do not understand. or do not know of. its foriegn.

i... i dont know. damn. what am i suppose to do? now even i dont want to follow through my plans. today was supposedly a study day, but i wasted the entire time watching tv and being on the com.my friends asked me out for a mugging session. i dint go, thinking that i could study better by myself. but see where that got me to. tmr i need to wake up early for choir. but here i am blogging at the middle of the night. and i've yet to even shower.

sleeping is a neccessity. it gives you the time to run away from the world and everything that you have to face once those eyes open. dreaming about a perfect life. one that puts me out of misery.

sigh.. dont know what i have to do. loads of things undone.
-pa camp= yet to sign form, yet to pack bag
-choir recording= yet to pack stuff, yet to tell dad to send me to sch
-homework=yet to finish, yet to start on some
-revision=yet to finish, not even far from the start

i used to want to excel. in ALL aspects. i wanted to be all rounded. that was hard. but i did it. i had help and encouragement. from many. am i shunning them away? now? i just want to pass some of my exams. my ccas, just a member. i see my friends pushing their way through the crowd to be outstanding. to get a good profile. and me? just to do well to meet the criteria of the college. i can barely see the path to my desired career.

jc is such a drag. being 16++ sucks. and 17 will suck even more. and 18 will suck more than 17. and 19 will suck more than 18. and 20 wil...

dont let my life spiral into such a disaster. being the elite is far from sight. being the norm is hard to grasp. shall i just be myself? but ppl are so pretentious.i cant figure it out.

teasing is a fun time

went out with nick shaoheng hanjun daphne and shuqin today. mostly because me and nick wanna tease hanjun and daphne. and i can clearly say that we did accomplish our task. :) that was fun. that was a fun time.

and then the baby (one of us) had to go home by 9pm so we all went to send him off. stayed at his house for round 20mins? his parents were not so in favour of that. he have 2 really cute gerbils though. :) loved playing with them. :D another fun time.

then came the not so fun time. we left and then i recieved a text saying i have to send in my gpp part by tmr morn. -.- so here i am now mugging through it to complete it on time. i know i shouldnt be using this precious time to blogg but hey, every girl needs a rest! have been doing for 2 hours now. need a break k!

yea, so end of story already. dont have the time/ energy/ mood to continue though. this is what gpp does to you. nitex everyone. cant wait to meet up with my clique.

Playing pretend

it has been a damn long time till i felt so empty again. i thought i was getting use to life, but everything just have to fall right down sooner than the taste of accomplishment could be felt. it's a horrible gut feeling, vibrating tears to fall but eyes that are too dry do not conform.

Pretentious
i always thought we were mature enough
to know that playing pretend makes things worse as it is.
it is no tea party, nor happy family-
a dad, a mom and 2 kids.

take off the embelishments from the knife.
as pure as it is, hunt.
dont lurk in the shadows, as if i was blind.
come on. just stab me in the front.

i have no idea, so enlighten me.
does gossipping satisfy you?
does it fulfil your sadistic inside,
till you forgot that i could also feel?

i am humane, flesh, blood and all,
emotions are part of me.
so just stand up and confront if you must,
dont act like i cant see.

dont throw me up to the peak of my world,
only to realise that you wont be there.
when i fall, there are no hands that would catch.
oh, so this is your plan.

to destroy my heart, crush, obliterate,
till there's nothing left.
no warning signs, no turning signals,
you do know stealing my life is theft.

i really dont get it, you left me alone,
curious, shocked, in pain.
and now im forced to pretend,
you're driving me insane!

that disgusted smile i stick on my face,
everytime i look at you.
elated! happy! life's marvellous!
while in side im singing the blues.

what can i do now? i feel so trapped.
why cant you just talk to me.
it's not like its so hard and impossible to do,
this simple act will set me free.

unbind me, cut my ropes.
there shall be no strings attached.
for i am so sick of this selfish life,
a new agnes shall soon hatch.

Ireland

"im back from ireland!"

this statement, even i myself am unable to decifer if its a cry of joy or just a cry.

just a minute before our airplane landed on singapore ground, the cork airport closed due to the volcanic air. i know we're blessed with safety since im sure many of us have like used up most of our money on shopping and cannot survive a few more days in Ireland with that few euros left. however, the non-plus point is- school tmr.
i cant believe im actually mugging the last min for a lecture test tmr! so shitty. haiz.

the cork international competition results- singapore NJChoir, 5th position out of 10! we got a score of 89.67%! the 4th placing had 89.75%. less than 0.1% difference! what with all the decimals. 3rd placing was 90% so we were GOOD. GREAT. and ROCKING!

it was a fun experience. although 5/10 does not look to good. but i dont think that those numbers are the ones that count. what we should count is: not the number of hours but the amount of effort put in by everyone. the amount of emotions that staggered their way into our hearts. the amount of friendship fostered and bounded. the amount of love given and secured. and that adds up to infinity. this number counts.

it was definitely a treat to remember, kissing the magical stone that gives eloquence. hearing the unglamourous screams of our dear teacher who,in the most awkward position ever imagined, attempting to kiss the stone and seeing a friend kiss the wall thinking it was the stone was unforgettable. i will definitely miss that.

i will also miss cam hoaring with all my other friends. fromt he trip, i realised that camerers are magnets with attracts many cam hoars to come(this includes me!) fortunately, i didnt bring a camerer! it will take ages to upload everything!hahas

i will also definitely miss taking pains to take out eye makeup after the gala concert. hahas. it was fun preparing for it. nicole on my hair, jialing and yingli on my dress, hillary on my makeup. i felt like a movie star!! and an exhibition too. so many strangers asked to take pictures with me. hahas. >.- i have to thank: NICOLE JIALING(not me) YINGLI HILLARY ANDREA LIYU for helping me with my costume, hair and makeup. kudos to them!

it is an obvious that i 've grown closer to many. and i feel that i've known them better. will miss spending so much time with them, since NJtimetable forbids. will miss dancing irish dance in the middle of the streets and making a fool out of oursleves. i still wonder how dancing can actually lead to singing stand by me, then school song, then NDP songs, then choir songs. and also wonder how 8 people just being crazy can attract most of the choir singing properly with a conductor....

cant wait to share chocolates with my class, make them sick, and have all of us take mc together. yet, am dreading tests.... but i shall survive. for i shall not melt in the heat of Singapore.

Avant garde amigos

there was nothing more to say. my mouth shut. eyes glisten. not a sound, except of the tiny squeals your eye makes when irritants falls into place and the silent splash of rainwater on your shoulder that falls from below the top of your head.

3months have zoomed past and i still cant believe that im being forced into seggregation with them. the people who are so important to me. who lives in my heart. and who are the few who can mend the cracks they cause, everytime a goodbye is heard.

sunday was the most relaxing day i had in months. everything went really well, almost eveerything. we went to play pool at doby gout (aiya, i dont take MRT de. dont know how to spell-.-) I hit in 6 out of 8 balls!! but called for the wrong hole for the *8* ball.arghs. blehz. then went to go make beads..... paid 12 bucks for everything. it was quite worth it. damn fun, yet strenuous, yet worth for the intention of making a present for a bdae boy.

later went to bdae boy house to celelbrate his bdae with his family. how cool is having your bdae on the same day as your dad?! ate a slice of coffe cake and then head my way home with 2 body guards as usual.

i miss hugging my girl friends.
i miss putting my head down onto the 11 x2 avaliable shoulders.
i miss losing at pool to nick.
i miss dressing up with sheng ying.
i miss the guy who loves the same color as me!
i miss calling wei hong, wei jie, jason, jarin OLD
i miss teasing roger.
i miss my lao gong!!
i miss the little boi boi whom sa jiao to me.
i miss the one i used to play under table leg games with.
i miss calling the smartie an alien.
i miss my red hot tomato who acts like she's much mature. :-*
i miss the guy with the damn good arm muscle.
i miss the guy with the damn good leg muscle.
i miss snatching jiemin's homework away from her, just so that everyone can play without feeling guilty

aint no shoulders to sleep on anymore. aint no bodyguards to send me home. aint no hugs with warmth and love. aint no teasing and tickles. da xiao jie no longer feels like one. disappearing, i feel. relived it once on sunday. but many more days to go missing again.

为了你们，我会试着努力地把眼泪藏起来。为了我，请在我没法忍住时回头，假装什么都没看见。因为我们的关系太宝贵了，绝不能让让人心碎的泪水给洗掉。不管分离有多么的痛苦，我还是要和你们见个面。原因，相信，大家都自知之明。

you guys are the ones who can break my heart and i can still love you with all the little peices.

love you

nothing much to bitch about today. just spent a whole lot time on lit and am damn tired. luckily i slept in the afternoon for an hour. today i was quite pissed. probably cause of a girl thing... hahas. coincidentally i watched smth on it today on according to jim. hahas. weird.

chatting with bryan now... like usual.... at this time of the week. hahas. was trying to explain why he should not piss me off today or for the next 3days. fortunately, he got it. hahas. >.-

haiz look's like i have nothing much to talk about.. NJ=no life. NJ=blog bitching. NJ=friends missing. hahas. oh no, im bitching it again aren't i? hahas. but seriously, friends are everythign to me in NJ.

miss my clique. want to meet up with them before ireland. love you all

faint spells

today so damn sian. got caught by DM for short skirt. -.- as in like my skirt was 2 fingers from the front and 3 from the back. (which means my butt is 1 finger thick only!! :O) and like the sch rules clearly states four. so i actually said "ms phua, i dont mean to be rude but my skirt is fine. its 2 from the front and 3 from the back" i cant believe i did myself either.

so i was let off. big smiles. i have to give kudos to my pm who was VERY much of a help. (wooah. im so rich in sacasm today)

and choir is like revolving my life, no, my life is revolving choir. just came back from choir and tmr morn must go for choir again!!!! and they are all non official. its not that i dont like choir anymore, in fact im still loving it very much, BUT choir is being too much now. its the first time choir has made me feel so tired that im quite sure my illness has much to do with it.

the leaders should cut us some slack. if not, at least stop giving us last min practices all the time. you make us come more days than usual. then make us come in the morning. then make us come earlier for practices. then release us 1.5 hours late most of the time. then asks us to go back and go practices some more. and even feel mad if we dont in the next practice. shitty.

i get the more pracs, come more, come early, go late, and self practices. cause we are in fact going overseas for the top. but what i dont get is why this is happening EVERYDAY, ALL TOGETHER!! this is probably why i feel the world turning today when singing. this is probably why i felt like crying when i sat down. guilt? i dont even know now.

tmr there's another maths lecture test. and i have to makeup my bio prac for the week. one more time for me to experience failure. and bio prac, owels, at least i get to go late for choir. busy day tmr. early day. i dont even know why its a MUST to present the octets. and alot of lit to do.

good luck agnes. and dont faint.

one of the rare times im actually feeling fortunate to not faint.
dont know if its one of the multiple times of bitching NJ, but hey, i almost faint it gives me the right to bitch. if i faint then i guess bitching is not enough.

GONE, yet...

GONE, the feverish cough & inflamed throat that vomits blood!

YET not spared from the bitter footprints of pills left behind..

wanxin

too bad that today is the last day of mc. (although yesterday was the first) but good times have to have an end. (but apparently bad times dont cause the blood aint going away and when eveer i breathe in i smell blood. :X)

was looking at a few blogs just now and i came across my junior, wanxin's, blog. Damn! she makes me want to strangle her with my breath-taking hugs.ARGHS!! shes so cute and is the loveliest! i remember tagging her saying that she only post about him and not me, so she dedicated an entire post to me! she rawks my socks man!! I LOVE YOU WANXIN!!!

i miss singing with her.
i miss hanging out at 7-11 with her.
i miss dragging her across the road when she lives at the other side.
i miss making a fool out of myself with her.
i miss making a fool out of her.
i miss giving her advice that makes her smile.
i miss listening to her problems.
i miss confiding my problems.
i miss teasing her.
i miss taking secrets sips from her drinks when she aint looking (o.O)
i miss my friend.

dudette, you are AWESOME.

this is why, though ancient, my profile picture never changed since 2 years ago when we get to spend almost everyday together. i know we seldom meet nowadays since we are in different schools already, but i'll try to come around as often as i can... i love you manz..

argh!

cant believe im actually sitting in front of my comp during school hours at home!! after years of getting MCs yet unable to use them, this is practically a miracle! and the best part is no NJ for 2 whole days! and of course no bio lecture test today. life's good for once.

hahas. but life aint all that good since there is a need to pay a price. and lets just say that the price is ignoring a previous MC, going to school, getting sicker till the extent that puking of blood is neccessary, slogging to the clinic with dizzyness overwhleming my head due to a fever that goes all the way to 38.6 deg cel, coughing till my small veins burst and living with a very sore throat that hardly allows me to speak, let a lone sing. yea, lets just leave it at that.

oh wait! wait wait.... theres one more price to pay. the PILLs! never forget the pills. the yucky bitter horendously big pills. they suck.just ate 6pills and some cough syrup. ewwwwww. dang. there is still the lozenges i have not touched. so much for pleading the doctor to get me smaller pills. owells, thats what you get when you have your mum follow you to the doctor. NO SMALL PILLS AND NO CAPSULES. BIG PILLS ARE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE. ...

hahas. ok there is only two days of paradise. have got to treasure them. loves.

volta- exclusive's club

yesterday, i went to m'sia to sao mu. its was the first time "visited" my great grandma. hahas, hrm... it sounds wrong... my big great grandma... cause my great grandfather had 2 wives, the second one only 12 years or so older than my grandfather himself. yea, so now i can officially say i've been to visit both since i visit one of them every year except for the past 3 years (including this one) during CNY.

it was only on friday when i saw how weak, yet strong my grandfather was. although trembling and not being able to walk properly due to strokes he had years back, assisted by my dad, bro and me, he kept going, up hill, towards her grave for the traditional "ceremonial". and i guess he would have done it, if not for a slip, saved by me and my bro, which led my dad to insist for him to sit down to rest, abandoning the mission.

i remembered the assembly talk we had on wednesday witht he principal.... damn.... it was, well, threatening. as in she could at least pretended to sound like she actually cared about us and not our grades right? i've heard people say that shes only staying cause she wants to produce another president scholar, but thats only what ive heard. shant criticise her personally since im not a fan of online stabbing, but if there's only a way to feedback to the school without getting into trouble.

some teachers have things to say too, but they dont say it. which brings me to the point of why the teachers in NJ are so afraid of authoratative figures in the school?? as in come on!! students depend on teachers, whether academically or our welfare. but some of them just dont have the guts to help the students. they should be the bridge among higher figures and us, but they dont even dare feedback. military much? even the military gets and absorbs feedback.

i really really miss BP now. its everything. i know i've said this more than a milli.. thous... hund... ten times but its true.tis one place i can truely feel relaxed, even during my O's period. NJ, the canteen gives you pressure from everyone studying there. the hall, the ppt slides from the chers gives you pressure. classrooms suck. LTs, as comfortable number 5 is, it causes distress. even the roof, when there is absolutely nothing above you, allows you to see the witch craft, an aura, the bubble that encloses it. the grey dark sky, which shoots lightning bolts at anyone who dare to even think of slacking, rains exclusively on NJ as how the Volta is only exclusively used as the turning point in a sonnet.

delicious

hrm... seriously.... i have no idea what to blogg about except how nice i feel im growing since i've just said "you better get going on your PI...its important... talk to me when you're free-er"...

as in seriously... im poisonous poison ivy image is ruined..... i miss prattie... she brings the poison out of me with our constant squabbles over so trivial things. hahahs. i miss shengying too. and han jia. and cheowlin. and jie min. and jarin. and nick D. and lele. and roger. and jason. and shaoheng. and han jun. and terrence. and wei jie. and shao huan. and weihong. and kelvin. ah.. the clique.... and my classmates.... and all those familiar faces..................

BP 50th Speech day was really really nice. with nice as the very general term that include every good word possible as associated with it. the main course-friends. side dishes-choir. soup-award. and dessert- the FOOD. hahas. it was a scrumptous dinner.

recently i made a new friend! *yay!* his name is eugene... from BP. his really cute ahhas. i mean his actions. so dont get me wrong. hahas. and yea... music is like his life man.... but his boss, unfortunately, forbids it. hahas. *guess who the boss is??* but he's really funny hahas. >.-

today has been quite a good day though i spent the entire time at home. cause i did really little work(as compared to otherdays) so today was relaxing. am speaking to bryan now... hahas. hes so cute.. i asked him why he doesnt ***** me. and he said "cause i hardly really meet you anymore... ): " thats so nice isnt it?? it made me go awwww.....

hahas... ok. i think i shall stop here... i have to go blog on the clique blog now cause someone said it was dead. Dr Agnes reporting for duty to save a life.

At the cashier

after countless of posts written with a despairing mood, i decided to post one now that is more light hearted.

weeks of mental torture have passed and so i thought that i would spend my holiday week with plentiful of rest to energize myself. and so i did. i feel really energized now as if im ready to take on another week of njorture (NJc-tORTURE). which is highly needed for my week of spa treatment (apart from being at school 4days a week and doing all my holiday homework) made me forget bout my upcoming bio test and not do the work which i eventually have to do but not for the first lesson. so i have to rush through the next week mugging for my test and doing work and work and work.

hahas. so now im taking my only chance of happiness to blog here so that my blog wont seem like a site just for me to complain. hahas. i am no complain queen tyvm.

hahas.so its past 12 and i really have to go to school tmr.... so i guess i'll stop here...

a poem maybe??

At the cashier
spa of relaxation feels really good
how fast a week just flies
plenti of rest, nothing but the best
yet there is a catch, a price

no homework today, but school tomorrow
it shall be ok hopefully
the following test, info to manifest
and ofcourse more hardwork to complete

my new non-stop life

it has been a decade since i posted here. I feel that im like living at my school. early morning practices and late practices that are always sucky, ending up with yet more lectures from teachers who just dont get the hardwork. some of which even criticize it. not gonna name names but yesterday, the teacher is seriously screwed up. Her thoughts and "exclamations" incoherent and discouraging till the end. is a competition worth this??

im feeling really tired. i dont want to go out now. studying is a routine and practices, a way of life. resting is like a privilege that is hardly given. and a day at home is impossibly heavenly

suffocating is not the word to use as i become accustomed to my new life or non-life. Is this a series of unfortunate events? Or a series of unfortunate decisions? The question lingers but the answer unfound.

No time to think. No time to prepare. No time to study. No time to practice.

Just go to school. Get bombarded with new syllabus during lecture. Die in the tests during tutorials. Squeeze out melodies during choir. Reach home. Hurry through homework. Time for bed.

No time to study for the next day’s test. No time to revise the day’s new lectures. no time to go through the notes of songs, much less memorise the words. It’s the next day already.

Got to go out soon again. Away from The shelter of my home. Time to get dressed, yet not ready. No time to practice for my lesson. Nope.

I do not complain. I accept.

order for structure

recently, i bet everyone is getting more and more stress. with school work, ccas and well, actually everything new while balancing with everything old. i dont know how many of us actually take it in stride and are contented with their overly stressed up life, but here, i want to wish all of you guys the best in your future endeavours.

i remember a joke my friend made while introducing himself in primary school. he said, "hi im ___, slave of the singapore's education in the day, and super ninja at night."
i never thought much of it, but only until now when i realised how much i could relate to it.

i read a compre passage, well, more of a fragment of the passage today and i could not get the few words out of my mind. that structure and order is good. i realised the reason why i felt so stressed was because i had no idea of the impending future and felt as though anything could happen any moment. (thanks to NJ's very efficient system) everything, as a result, have to be done ahead and opportunities and given up willingly to avoid conflict among each other, least they meet.

it is time to put some structure into my pathetic life for the moment and hope it pays off.
6am- wake up
6.30-leave house
7.05- reach school and mug
7.20- singing (mon and fri) PA duty (wed) assemble (tue and thur)
8- mug and mug and mug
breaks- mug(>1hour) eat(<1hour)
aft sch- choir(tue, wed, fri)/pa(thur)
home- mug
bathe by 11
sleep by 11.30 (that's 6.5 hours of sleep. tyvm)

*must go for almost all opportunities to get a good profile. (eg. unneccesary lectures)
*look at KM every sunday
*practice choir songs at least once through per song on sat before/ aft singing lesson(2.15pm)

Struck

Strucked
I feel like a tight string in a violin:
Playing chords I never knew I could;
Didn’t think I’ll ever lay hands to;
No clue such a thing would exist.

Dead-livingly stuck.

Being the nylon one, segregated from the rest.
Strung into a bassoon, wired and fixed,
Unmoving, oppressed and sick.
No leadership I’ll ever dream to manifest.

Only plently prickly simple vibrations- pluck.

tight strings

today was a terrific day! (if you know sacarsm)

the day before yesterday, i was transferred to alto2. it is supose to be a good thing i suppose that i have a wide range cause i was transferred to help them. however, alto 2 was too low for me to reach. i tried. i really did. so i asked the alto SL to help me speak to the cher. i was tansferred to sop1 again.

but. good things dont last. the cher refused to acknowledge it. but i was transferred to alto 1 now instead. at least this is a section which i can probably sing without straining my voice. how great.

miss jeong ae ree always told me that my voice is my instrument, but i feel like an instrument myself now. a lifeless instrument that plays what the musician plays. im being passed around from person to person... shouldnt being an instrument be a good thing?

choir used to be full of fun and laughter. i anxiously await for every choir session everytime in the past. but choir everyday. twice a day. and reaching home naver earlier than 8.30 is not making those wondrous feelings come alive again.

juggling school with choir is like playing chords on a violin. i just pray that there wont be a day where a string from my instrument just snaps from stress.

while waiting for my mum today at the bus stop, jeremy and lih wei and i saw this lady. she asked us in a very nice tone "do you think that singapore started advancing 500 years ago?" my first impression of her was that she was deep. lih heng replied a yes and nothing more. then, her true colors, as i deemed it, showed as she screamed "how you know? you talking cock la. go ask your teacher. 500 years ago singapore dint exist what"

if you know me, you know im not one who takes these shit things in stride. i began to act profound and used big words to back him up. i said that 500 years ago, human existed. even if there is no spore, with just humans, there would definitely be advances with things such as tools. humans are not limited with resources such as land.

it worked. for she did not understand. she kept asking what. so i replied in chinese. then she went beserky again just saying "how you know? how you know? you talking cock lah." as she walked away from us.

and just like how people know me, im sure to stand my ground and fight all the way. but just before i could say what i wanted to, a guy behind me went hey dudes dudes, just ignore her. she left the bus stop. it was weird cause she came to the bus stop, sat down, asked us the question., then went off. i pity her.

that was about all for today, im super tired. physically, emotionally and mentally drained.

gasp. shock. horror!

wah i tell you arh.. today, nick called me out with ying and we ended up sitting at my void deck for the next 3 hours. sheng ying and i did most of the talking (gasp. shock. horror!) cause nick was on the phone all the time (phew.... at least he was normal). and why was he so preoccupied with his phone? cause he was enquiring about shin zheng. why enquire? cause baoyi (with biasness in mind) said that shin zheng is taller than nick (gasp. shock. horror!). yeap, so this is about all i want to say now. blogged just for this.


i feel like im hanging on a cliff with one finger while all my friends are standing on the top of the cliff. there is no cushion of friends below to catch me. the pain i feel in my finger. the pain from within.

Something new

I wonder who was the one who said that my blog was dead a few minutes before I start to blog huh?? (Hint: the first few letters of his name is NICHOLA. And the last letter is S.)

Today is New Year’s Eve, so I thought I shan’t mug and mug and mug like how I am doing so since lectures started. I can’t believe how into mugging I am! Talk about living in the NJ spirit. After every lecture, after getting every note, I just mug! Arghs! No more free time called breaks.

Yesterday I went back to BP. Miss it so much. I could help myself from hugging my old friends so tight. If only we could still be together. NJ was the first school to reach BP. AJ ended earlier and some went there but they did not come in a grey army so I guess that does not count.

Recently, I joined both choir and PA again, like how I did for sec sch. This means that my schedule is going to be very hectic. So SC is a sure no no. as in the campaigning and everything is going to consume a lot of time.

Choir: Ireland- competition and concert
Recording for YOG
Combine concert with CO
Perform at YOG closing ceremony
That’s quite a number of things to do and a whole lot to prepare for. Its taking so much of my time. Last week, Tues, wed and thur ended round 8pm each. And it left me home round 9. Too tired to do anything but couching…

I’m missing my friends, but I can’t be with them. And don’t know for whatever reason, the social butterfly in me just shut herself in a cocoon. I made friends, but now I find myself just mugging myself. I don’t follow them around anymore. I’m afraid of my new surroundings; I’m terrified of the future competition named A levels. Everything scares me.

I don’t want to be alone, but I feel so much so. I guess I have to go soon. There are 8 songs to learn and 5 books to read and 4 lecture notes to mug. Pranks and teasing are happening again. The only familiar thing I know and hate. Life’s an irony.

Something newI’m shaking and trapped in the capsule of time,
With petrified ropes that I cannot unbind.
In total darkness, without a helping hand,
Confused, disoriented, I can’t comprehend.

baby paoyangs!

yoyoyo people!! today right i was so high in the morning that my sugar rush went away and i was low in glucose and was lifeless the entire day through lectures which are kinda boring...

maths was all intro so it was boring~~~~. bio was like freaking hard. and the cher was even say that she was going too slow..... :*. lit was just a pain in the hand... with the copying and copying and copying.

the reason why i was so high this morning was because i saw paopao give birth right in front of my eyes!!. it was so cool!! i now have four more hamsters.... shall name them with the power of san dian shui again. woo! high man!!!...

tmr's my friend, brendan's 17th bdae(though i really doubt its seventeen. he looks OLDer. but his actions kinda give his age away...) hahas. so HAPPI BDAE! in advance. and sun is roger's bdae. so HAPPI BDAE! in advance again.,.. hahas.

actually that's about all i have to say here.... nothing much.... hahas. yay hamsters!

跳wu party

yo people! today was the last day of orientation!! woohoo! and now its like kinda late and im so sleepy.... but i cant sleep until my hair is dry and that takes really really long. and my hair smells funny from the spray paint. (to weile: awwww. no more vanilla smell. and stop sniffing my hair)

its like this morning, i heard on the radio that some NJCian dedicated a song to SH1 students today and said that the orientation will be rocking. and guess what? the prediction was right! she can be a fortune teller like me (for pratyusha anyway! hahas~)

the dance party （跳舞派对） was really fun. i jumped and jumped and jumped（跳）! so techniquely, im doing the right thing for a non-dancer. :) but i stoped jumping after like 3/4 of the party. cause my left shin started to hurt and i didnt want my legs to grow any shorted and be suan-ed again.

was like freaking. am freaking high still. im on a sugar rush!!!!!! (ppl who know me well 下面站 the unliteral sugar rush)

oh and like BP alumnis from NJC kinda like are happy of the idea of performing in school and rocking the hall and like show everyone our superb new and improved dance moves so show off our talent in this area while the others do simple dances..... but we need a stage. was thinking of the 50th anniversary dinner... but like that v paisei if screw up.... dont want ministers to laugh at us.

tmr must start going to school and attend lectures.... this is where the sugar rush goes down hill... so sian....-.- but at least im officially intergrating into the next phase of (no) life.

~i just dont understand how people can be so irresponsible and uncaring about other's feelings.

what a NICE day!

hey today was a NICE day for me cause i did a NICE thing and ended up being treated NICEly by some other NICE guys named brian and brendan.

the three of us just ended our pool game with people from our OGs- madeline, shimin, brendan, brian, melvin, abilarsh(think i spelt it wrongly:-*..), katic (or katib or katik... think i all also spelt it wrongly again... :-O), eugene(definitely spelt this correctly now). it was kinda fun..... i won!!!! well, we won(mus and brendan) against abi and melvin.

melvin was surprisingly good at the game. shocker!! oh yar, melvin was really creeping me out alil. like frist he said he wanted to dance with a guy. then he said its ok, i can be the girl. and finally, the last straw went when he was arguing with a girl on who's cute.brrr.... he is like nice and all that, just alil not in my comfort zone

so the three of us went to help a lost old lady to get to her destination. (see we're NICE. and to the people who actually know me, im NOT just a spoilt brat and da xiao jie ok! i CAN be NICE. i just hardly show it off to the world. see? another virtue. im being humble)

then brian was being NICE to accompany brendan and i to eat our dinner although he has it waiting for him at home. (yea, hail the fires. the golden delicious cuboid!)

then brendan was being NICE to accompany me to cck!(although he live at bukit timah). but he kinda went there with me cause his mum drove us there. thanks brendan's mum! hahas.

see NICE things do happen to you when you do NICE things. and i guess weird things will happen to you when you do weird things such as throwing a watermelon onto the school's roof. no matter how serious the matter may sound, i still feel that is kinda funny. people shant infringe on my liberty to laugh at things i deem as fun. :) geees!

Friend recipe

Friend recipie
my heart just crashes, aches and breaks,
as my eyes observe every one step you take.
you back view i see, under the shopping mall's lights
so familiar yet far, what landed us in this plight?

i dont know what force, or magic voodoo
but i just automatically trott right behind you.
red eyes that glisten from the shine above
obviously show that it is you that i love.

a finger was touched, by my hand, reached out
in return you pulled away yours and caused me to pout.
"leave me alone!" again you harp
yet i remembered your preaches-to never give up!

i grabbed your hand and there was silence still
so quiet as though when provoked, it would kill.
at least we arent seperated now, so things won't turn bad
and that is the recipe to get back your friends

be with them whether they're up or they're down
and take awkward pictures when they turn around
laugh at their jokes no matter how stupid it seems
for just a simple movement will create many beems

when the friendship movie is going good remember not to shout "cut!"
just let it roll, do a hi-five, hi-elbow or even hi-butt!
sing karaoke, or play some lil' games
but caution the choice, no one likes playing lame

when things arent as good, dont turn over your back
and remember to never push the blame into someone else's sack
lend a shoulder and reach out your hand
let out a smile and embrace your friend.

boredom away!

hey peeps!
how's you second day of sch?? for me, it was much much much more fun than yesterday. mostly because i couldn't help being bored all the time and as you guys know me, im too enthu, high and restless to do absolutely nothing!

so, to take away the boredom in me, i started a game with the people around me and guess what? most of the OG just came and joined us without us asking! even people from other OGs came too. the power of poison ivy da xiao jie! yea!

today had less lectures which is wonderful! and we had mass dance, which i guess most of you guys have too. the dance is like on youtube larhs so you guys can see it. :) freaking hard. oh, i made a friend who has been in a girls school for 10 years. the only guy she has touched and has the contact is her dad. so she was freaking out when the mass dance included us holding hands with the opp sex for a while!

here, i want to thank shaoheng for tagging at mua's blog!

orientation-.-

so its the first day of school!. i guess everyone is very cite to enjoy orientation yea? day one must have been fun for everyone righte? well, not for me.

if only BP was my JC i would be thrilled! but NJC made us just sit through lectures and lectures that constantly flow. as in the prev cher literally passes the mike to the other and continues talking!

its been a sucky sian day. hope its be better tmr

Happy bdae Jay!

Happy birthday Jason!! Today is Jason’s birthday. Wow he has grown SO old. (Aren’t you glad that I caps 'so' instead of 'old'?) And it has been a tiring day for all of us.

I the morning, I was on the phone with roger about making a card for Jason. Normally my cards would take hours to do, so since he said he would help out, I decided I could make a nicer one instead of a simpler one which I have thought of doing due to the time constraint. So I began my sketching.

And then I waited and waited and waited. Then when I was tired with waiting, I realised that roger was still at home at 1.55! Urgh! It’s like we have to be at cck at 2.30 so we have to leave my house at 2.15. There was obviously no time to go the card anymore. What the hell.

as i rushed through the card, thoughts were spinning in my mind. i was telling myself about how roger has proven himself to me to be really unreliable and one who i cannot count on in the future.

I was practically on fire. Cause I was super angry and was drawing super fast. My only hope arrived when I heard the doorbell ring. It was Sheng Ying. Thank god she came to help. Roger? Still nowhere in sight, unfortunately.

I was wondering how I would react when roger came. I was expecting myself to be especially brutal and shred him into slices, wait, no, not slices, tiny microscopic pieces which have been pureed with my dagger eyes, axe words, and blender slap. Yea, that’s for making me so freaking anxious.

But to MY (repeat, MY, not his, MY) surprise, I was such in a hurry and worried that all I did was drag him to the room to do the card from the piano chair. (He was still fooling around. Ignorant about my tension within)

I didn’t even scold him one bit! Argh! How could i?! I am so disappointed in myself! I was so lenient! I mean come on! But I guess, it was the fact that he is my Shaoye. As in how can you get angry with Shaoye? It’s almost impossible. So yea, Shaoye, you owe me a slap. XP

We ended up being 1hour late and yea, we were NOT the latest. (Shocking isn’t it?!) We had our picnic at Bukit Timah’s hill’s meadow. I was so dapai that I was the only one who sat on the ponchos while the others were still setting everything up. Food was nice. And guess what? The cheese in the sandwich actually MELTED under the day’s hot sun.

Oh yar. There’s one funny thing about the picnic. Before we reached our destination, roger said that here maybe got wild boar or tiger come out of the forest. And while we were having our picnic, Mr Tan showed up! What a coincidence!

We played catching after that and when we were all exhausted; we took pics and went to play pool with nic D. I just sat, stood and chatted most of the time cause lele wasn’t feeling too well. (not sick, well, technique sick too.) reached home about 9.45. ate pizza and blogged. Hope lele and cheowlin liked their pao mian.

hell to the no

are you and him together??......... (answer at title)

i have been thinking. what if your clique never merged? what would it be like? no more rumours, no more accusations. no mare straining of friendship. but there wont be closeness either. oh, i wish i could only say the F word here. it sucks. nasty tags suck. what's wrong with ppl. rumours. ruomours mean that they are like... hrm..... NOT REAL!! and ppl just cant read properly. english is sucking in singapore. singlish is the problem? NO! its just that ppl cant read! its like its then and there

sorry does help. no it doesnt. if it does, then the world will have peace when a country just nuclear bombs another and says sorry. ppl ndont read and ppl dont artiulate their meanings properly.

its freaking stupid. and then there are ppl who understands the entire f stituation for just for the kicks of it builds another f rumour for everyone to laugh about. yea, it is so fun.

talking about the clique. what if the clique never merged? hrm... i dont know. if the clique never merge, i guess i'll still be living my life with rumours. rumours rumours rumours. i've lived my entire secondary sch life with rumours. non stop ones that come and come and come in an orderly line. some times there might be a lunch rush and jams up my life. causing it to suck.

people are shallow. the world is shallow. sadistic. the clique merged and now i have more friends. friends that tease me about the rumours as well as friends who console me about being teased. but there are also friends that spread the rumour far and wide. and friends who start the rumour.

friends who are supposed to console me about it. i cant see them. am i suppose to feel it then? the one who i want to confide to. one that im dying to confide and let out my anger to. i dont see nor feel you. should it be in everyone to think of pacifying a person you care about? or is it just not in you. i dont feel your pressence anymore.

what if the world only had women and men do not exist. poof, i say. poof and go away in the wind.

i love my clique and i love my friends. but if the entire rumour would just disappear, it would be lovely.