Sayonara vieil ami!!

It's not that I do not like you, or despise you, or hate you. It's more of me just not feeling as comfortable as I feel I would want to be when I'm around you. We are just not of the same kind. You probably feel the same. I know you may not hate or dislike me. I mean, why would you?? I saved your ass before and had to sacrifice my own opportunities to do so. You, by hell, should be grateful. We are of different breeds. You being the more independent, loud, and crazy. Me being the more relying, loud and crazy. My kind, we move in packs and never leave one behind. I'm sure you don't understand this. I don't judge you. You don't have to do so too, in my face with all those innuendos. Let's keep our space, least we clash outright and it would be like sec2 all over again. It's the order of things. being solo, I see that you have the advantage in winning friends over; not forgetting another extra boost by coming in as buy 1 get 2 free. Your influence is impeccable. Showing the rest how to ditch another when one is in desperate times and rubbing it in to show one's helplessness; weakness. My friend came through for me and i finally felt a sense of relieve ever since you took away my original plan. Yet, you still managed to make it a bad thing for me to trouble my friend, emphasising how you wouldnt even make your bf do that. Dearie, my friends are awesome and you just are not as fortunate to enjoy these kind of genuine friendship. But anyway tmr's your last day. Can't wait to see how life would differ and can't wait for your presently return after half a month. You know I don't hate you, bitch. But still, sayonara vieil ami!!

My thoughts on 步步惊心 theme of dreams

Decided to blog about a rather famous or popular drama series that have been showing recently- 步步惊心. I am still in the midst of enjoying the show but I've gotten random comments and description of the ending. Personally, I feel that a theme is more of dreaming rather than transcending time. That is, well from what I gathered about the ending. My comments shall be very personal and not at all absolutely right.

The play (I guess) bespeaks of the ability of one to manipulate ones dreams as well as the lack of control one feels in the surreal world. Her (lead actress' character) ability to control is seen through choice. Her choice of who she knows, who she is close with, who she falls in love with, her status etc. For example, she chooses which princes she knows on a personal level. She chooses them as they are the ones who have left a significant mark in history. The crown prince, the next emperor, the respected 8th prince, the goofy one, the chief commander and of course, a good looking one who shares her views so that she doesn't feel so lost in an era that does not belong to her.

She also chooses to be able to gain the respect of many, including high ranking persons such as the emperor himself. She chooses to be caught in the dilemma between two great catches, both of which are awfully fond of her. So between the two, who should she pick? The future emperor ofcourse. The final act of control lies in her impactful death.

The lack of control in ones dream is also shown through instances such as the inevitable end of her not being able to marry her "lover" and the earlier deployment as a palace laundry woman. The fear and anxiety she feels while serving his majesty, as shown through the diagnosis of the imperial doctor, also mimicks the feeling of a "mini heart attack" a normal person may sometimes encounter in his sleep.

I'm not criticizing the playwright as a professional critic or as a literature student. I am just giving my humble opinions on what I feel is a clever use of dreams. For all you know, this may not have even crossed the playwriter's mind. Just giving a penny of my thoughts here. It is still quite a moving show that I believe is worthy to watch. :))

Poor little juniors

Went back to NJC today and saw how stressed out my juniors were. I'm so carefree now that I forgot how it was like when I was in their shoes. I remember being in the exact same predicament- some times fighting, some times in tears. Poor little things. I wish there was something I could do to help them. Owells, all the best dearies!! Gambate and kick ass!!

Sims

Am really bored tonight. Have absolutely nothing to do. Was watching tv since I reached home and I think I've somehow grown roots that are attached to it. Nothing brain stimulating tonight either so right now I'm just a floating entity, well, more of a lazing-on-the-sofa entity. Bored to the max. Maybe I should try concocting another poem. But that would mean needing inspiration, which right now is at level zero.

Tmr is v day and I've nvr actually thought about for the past few years. V days always seem to come and go fairly quickly. Some times they bring a little bit of surprises here and there. But this year is a little different. I think it's probably due to the fact that Ive nothing to do that I'm actually seeing the days go by for v day to approach. A new experience indeed. I'm not going to condemn v day like others who may not be able to find their other half cause I know that if I'm attached, sure as hell am I going to rock the freaking day with him.

Wonder if I'll get anth special from anyone this year. I doubt so though. No more sch = no more childish sch boy crushes = no more prezzies that are given with high hopes that would most likely end in low spirits. Owell, at least I can say I have already received one. But that doesn't count and it's a pain to recite the entire story again, so I shall just leave it as that.

Am still really bored and am trying to make the best of talking to complete strangers who may stumble upon my blog. I'd try writing a poem now, just to prevent my brain from degenerating too much. But I guess it may just be a huge exaggeration with little realism and verisimilitude since I do not feel anth passionately right now.

Sims- lack of control

Ctrl alt del. The whole world pauses.

I stare into blank space and time just freezes.

Well, my time at least. the numbers in the bottom

Right hand corner are still jumping. But I froze.

It was so awkward. He was just standing in front

Of me in my apartment, after watering my plants in my garden,

And I had just woke up from my power nap.

He was so close to me. Blue eyes, sharp nose, jet black hair.

I know man was created before women but I have this gut feeling

That he was modeled after me. I see the dirt on him.

He needs a shower. And I, needed to pee.

I see him staring at me too. He was either too captivated by my sexy outfit

Or was paused that way.

Play. I could finally feel my limbs again.

But I had hardly any control over it as I throw myself

Upon his filthy body again and again and again

Until my relationship status leveled up. That was when I realized

We were a couple. I then put on my happy face as I went out to pat my dog

And he went to the bathroom for a good wash.

Onward and upward

It has been forever since I've met you. It's like I've forgotten how much fun it used to be between us. Yesterday I had the taste of it and I am confident of the reason why we were such close friends in the first place. We just get each other and as much as I want to distance myself for my safety, something tells me that leaps of faith are important. I miss hanging out with you and I promise to do whatever I can to let this friendship go onward and upward if you promise to do the same.

Fading

I was thinking, maybe this time it's different. I was a little bit excited and a whole lot of anxious. But we couldn't meet everyday. And as the time passed, the excitement died down, fast. And that's when I realized I have hardly changed. I still exchange glances with others, like how I exchanged them with you. With you or another, it felt the same. It did. I don't feel anything special now. I'm amazed at how fast it went away. Or maybe, it never happened. Maybe it was just an old habit. Orwell, let me take my time then. Fade away, little dear. But don't disappear cause I'd like us to be friends. :))

I trapped a me

I trapped a me
Damn it. You're such a troll,
Playing with my mind. Poking it
With a stick. Filling it with unbalanced sweet silver and gold.
Ugh, you're annoying, omniscient
and pleasant. You boil me in a broth,
Light up the fire; the heat and warmth
And I burn.
What trickery is this? I wish
To learn. So as to do to you what
You did to me- the nicer you are to my heart
the more I feel pain and anguish.
I'm holding onto the one thing I
Still could, though it's eating me alive,
Until you present yourself first, as smth I could chose to buy
And call this possession proudly mine.
Till then, I'm trapped in a cage I set
And everyday, I increase how much I regret.

Saturday

Have been super long since I've gone online. And now that I have, my com just doesn't like it as much as i do. Hence, I'm back on my iPhone. I promised Derek I would blog about yesterday. But I was too physically tired that it was an impossibility. Thus, I am doing so now and hopefully can deliver a much more normal post so that he doesn't see me as some maniac or insanely gothic teenage girl. HAhas. (ps. I'm still a teenager. Miss that??) hAhas.

Yesterday's afternoon outing with Derek was just awesome. It was really fun. Tiring, but nonetheless fun. We literally walked from dhoby ghaut to little India mrt station. (sad to say, I needed to search how to spell dhoby ghaut before writing it down). I enjoyed his company, I really do. Hope he did so too. Lunch was great. Ate black pepper fish at astons while he ate black pepper chicken. We chatted and exchanged bizzar work experiences which we were prohibited to share online. HAhas. He is a good outlet though, I'll give him that. We went to csc later cause we reached farrer park a little bit too early. Bowling was the highlight of the day!! Cause I lost 65 to 112.

Owells, the afternoon was more or less quite great. However, if there was one thing I needed him to improve on, it would be his ability to take hints!! I can't believe he just handed me over to another CCA mate so easily after the countless attempts of me telling him that I was thirsty and wanted him to accompany me to get water. It's not that I do not like him, but he's just not the kind of person I would enjoy spending one on one alone time with... personally.

But still, dinner with pa seniors and peers was quite good, apart from the fact that I was trying my best to keep awake. Eugene was being to mean to that friend of mine. And unfortunately, most of us found it highly entertaining, including me. I feel bad though. We went back to csc after dinner for bowling. I was supposed to lead the way, but you know how well I am with directions. Died on the couch but am pleased that I didn't get the lowest score of the day. Haha.

Going home was planned to be my time to sleep. But my friends constant teasing of my everyday mrt experiences made it essential for my gift of debating to kick in. So sleep was ruled out of the question. Anyway, that's about it. And this abrupt ending is cause of the need for me to get ready for tuition. Gamba te agnes!! :)

Chain me up

What is forbidden is tempting. But the very fact that it is forbidden gives it sufficient body to the act of rejecting temptation. Moreover, circumstantial reasons backs up the act substantially. And this leads to easy decisions on my part cause it seems almost an only one way route to go. Arrows shot either from others or Cupid had not even the slightest chance of penetrating this solid armor of mine. Love seem to come towards me too easily. Love did not manage to integrate into me though. It seemed like if I wanted to, it would be like butter.

No more temptation. For what used to be forbidden is now past tense while I'm moving on to the present too fast for my own sake. The armor depleted and corroded like marble disintegrating upon the caress of acid rain. Exams were over. It should be the time to party. It is the time to party. But with whom? The building of common identity amongst the XY sex had removed them from my current pool of friends and has put me into a situation where I am forced to meet new older guys, some of which with the potential of melting my heart like a hot iron on plastic. And yet, there isn't any more reason to dodge any sharp pointed sticks, launched by a bow.

It becomes hard when you know it is no longer a one way route to go. I may need to start reciprocating feelings. That is scary. Of course I have not gone cold turkey during the forbidden times. Flirting was a distressing hobby that sometimes go too far and start give some abrasions to their tender heart. But reciprocating feelings. That's the challenge. How am I going to keep myself safe when I feel more vulnerable? Flirting empowers when you are hollow inside and he presents only his insides. But now... I'm only left with my shield and sword. No more chunky metal frame.

What should I do then? I'm going to expand my shield. Until I meet the right guy whom I know I do not just want to slice, like a piece of sushi. maybe I'll drop my sword for him, when he promises to use his insides to be my new impenetrable armor. The process would be hard cause I do not have total control of this game anymore. It's no longer a beauty pageant where I am the judge who dictates who makes the cut. I am searching and finding for that tree whom I'll be willing to chain myself to when the world starts killing the environment for their economic gains again.