Another new mashup: Shake it out, Skyscraper, Stay with me!
Chose the three songs because it represents the internal struggle of one's heart and mind.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Friday, July 24, 2015
The Way He Sees
Today's poem is inspired by my paternal grandfather who right now has cancer. Because of his old age, he is not going for chemo. It pains my heart to see him getting more frail each day. I admire his attraction to the world outside despite all. He goes out every morning to see the world and sip his usual cup of coffee. Today, he told my maid that he was really really happy because I sat with him to have dinner together. I don't think words can really reflect how I am feeling right now.
The Way He Sees
He sees the world every day.
He gets out of his bed into his chair and out to his world.
I swear I was prettier than that little missy pushing him around.
He waves at me.
For years his eyes has never changed. The same wave as
he steps through the same threshold. When he left for work,
when he left for our freedom, when he left for the grocery,
it was in different outfits, different legs and different faces but
he has always looked at me the same way and never leaves
without his signature smirk.
Life used to be crystal clear, then a blur, then grey with the cataract sky.
I remember the bus stop we first met.
I remember the rice fields we splashed our way through.
I remember the tree we first held hands.
I remember the kiss, so brazen, at the hidden corner of my father's warehouse.
Permission. Arrangement. Engagement. Marriage.
He bore me children of seven. Seven bundles of smelly diapers,
raging tantrums, disobedient students, anxious candidates,
proud graduates, driven businessmen and grandchildren.
Today the smirk has gone old.
The concrete ceiling, I see myself in, cries in the rhythm of my
youthful pacemaker. He has been through family gatherings and world
wars with my cheers ringing in his ear; each time reigning undefeated.
Who would have known that the boy who once held my world in his
hands would be beaten by a tiny cell?
From my own prison, I can see the cancer wear him down
day by day; his clock delaying one more second every sunrise.
At least he gets to see our world eachvery day. My eyes feel his
every wave and my heart replays that entrancing smirk.
The Way He Sees
He sees the world every day.
He gets out of his bed into his chair and out to his world.
I swear I was prettier than that little missy pushing him around.
He waves at me.
For years his eyes has never changed. The same wave as
he steps through the same threshold. When he left for work,
when he left for our freedom, when he left for the grocery,
it was in different outfits, different legs and different faces but
he has always looked at me the same way and never leaves
without his signature smirk.
Life used to be crystal clear, then a blur, then grey with the cataract sky.
I remember the bus stop we first met.
I remember the rice fields we splashed our way through.
I remember the tree we first held hands.
I remember the kiss, so brazen, at the hidden corner of my father's warehouse.
Permission. Arrangement. Engagement. Marriage.
He bore me children of seven. Seven bundles of smelly diapers,
raging tantrums, disobedient students, anxious candidates,
proud graduates, driven businessmen and grandchildren.
Today the smirk has gone old.
The concrete ceiling, I see myself in, cries in the rhythm of my
youthful pacemaker. He has been through family gatherings and world
wars with my cheers ringing in his ear; each time reigning undefeated.
Who would have known that the boy who once held my world in his
hands would be beaten by a tiny cell?
From my own prison, I can see the cancer wear him down
day by day; his clock delaying one more second every sunrise.
At least he gets to see our world eachvery day. My eyes feel his
every wave and my heart replays that entrancing smirk.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Arranged another song! Rhythm of the melody needs some work still. Shall work on it further.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
Missing friend
It has been weird between 2 friends (a couple) and me now. Or at least, I'm the only one feeling weird. Actually, the word "weird" may not cut it. It is more of feeling left out. To be fair... nevermind. Long story short, I would rather not spend time with the both of them when they are together because something makes me inherently feel like I'm the third wheel taking away his time with her.
What the above really suck is that she is leaving today and I don't get to send her off. Left moping around in my own room as I look at the time to see when she has gone on the plane (when I started composing this post is the exact time). Not sending her off really was because of a few reasons, the biggest one being that my conjunctivitis is back again and the next biggy was that I didn't want to take time away from her family and him.
It weird when a close friend leaves. Idk. I know I'm going to see her again but idk... Still sucks to know that a pillar of support is not physically reachable. It's weird cause I haven't been meeting her or asking about her for the past week because basically I was avoiding the fact that she is really leaving. When I finally met her yesterday night, I wanted it to be about her but I was feeling vulnerable (see prev post) and needed my pillar. Had to skip out half way of being a mess cause he felt shitty he wasn't getting his time with her.
Oh well... Back to other stuff.
What the above really suck is that she is leaving today and I don't get to send her off. Left moping around in my own room as I look at the time to see when she has gone on the plane (when I started composing this post is the exact time). Not sending her off really was because of a few reasons, the biggest one being that my conjunctivitis is back again and the next biggy was that I didn't want to take time away from her family and him.
It weird when a close friend leaves. Idk. I know I'm going to see her again but idk... Still sucks to know that a pillar of support is not physically reachable. It's weird cause I haven't been meeting her or asking about her for the past week because basically I was avoiding the fact that she is really leaving. When I finally met her yesterday night, I wanted it to be about her but I was feeling vulnerable (see prev post) and needed my pillar. Had to skip out half way of being a mess cause he felt shitty he wasn't getting his time with her.
Oh well... Back to other stuff.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Little Soul
Met up with friends yesterday and we were having quite a bit of fun until someone decides to make it serious. He suggested we went round the table and tell each other what we felt about each other. This was when I realised that I didn't say a bad thing about anyone. For those I am not close enough with, I felt I didn't know the person well enough to say anything bad. For those I am, I didn't feel that there was anything bad to say. I was puzzled at first but I found out why. Yes, everyone definitely have bad traits that annoy the shit out of their friends but I am selective. If I still choose you as my friend, it shows that I accept all your flaws. When I say accept, I mean the flaw is made so insignificant versus all the other traits I hold dear that it is just a part of who you are and even that part makes you special.
As we were going round the table, one of my friends was telling another about this bit that irritates him and others. He was being awfully blunt about it. It sucks that everyone was chiming in as well and I was soooooooo uncomfortable about it. There were many times I wanted to step in and say "yes yes, he knows already, there is no need for you guys to keep repeating it" but he seems to nod and agree and that made it hard for me to step in. Honestly, I didnt even think it was such a big deal. It is just what makes him him and if I continue my friendship with him, I work with that.
What made me even more uncomfortable was that the blunt friend then said, "oh it's Agnes's turn. I also have a lot to say about Agnes." It was as if what I was listening was my impending doom. I was the last at the table so I decided to take it like a strong independent woman. Old wounds were torn again and I don't understand why I let others tear me down like that. I think if I was confident enough about myself, I would not see what ever they say to make sense but to see that it was me and what makes me me. But alas.. It was made even harder to reject the notions with the friend saying that he will only be blunt to the friends he choose to keep. I don't know..
He is an amazing friend but I do not need this negativity in my life. I knew he was blunt but this is a small trade for his personality and companionship. Acceptance is huge with me.
I am my biggest critique. I do not need an external stimulus to show me what I already know. He may be close to everyone at that table but I was not and I was not comfortable at all with what was said, and how it was said, and where it was said, and to whom it was said in front of. This applies not only to me but everyone else.
I cried last night
Little Soul
As we were going round the table, one of my friends was telling another about this bit that irritates him and others. He was being awfully blunt about it. It sucks that everyone was chiming in as well and I was soooooooo uncomfortable about it. There were many times I wanted to step in and say "yes yes, he knows already, there is no need for you guys to keep repeating it" but he seems to nod and agree and that made it hard for me to step in. Honestly, I didnt even think it was such a big deal. It is just what makes him him and if I continue my friendship with him, I work with that.
What made me even more uncomfortable was that the blunt friend then said, "oh it's Agnes's turn. I also have a lot to say about Agnes." It was as if what I was listening was my impending doom. I was the last at the table so I decided to take it like a strong independent woman. Old wounds were torn again and I don't understand why I let others tear me down like that. I think if I was confident enough about myself, I would not see what ever they say to make sense but to see that it was me and what makes me me. But alas.. It was made even harder to reject the notions with the friend saying that he will only be blunt to the friends he choose to keep. I don't know..
He is an amazing friend but I do not need this negativity in my life. I knew he was blunt but this is a small trade for his personality and companionship. Acceptance is huge with me.
I am my biggest critique. I do not need an external stimulus to show me what I already know. He may be close to everyone at that table but I was not and I was not comfortable at all with what was said, and how it was said, and where it was said, and to whom it was said in front of. This applies not only to me but everyone else.
I cried last night
Little Soul
We met yesterday as any other day, before dawn,
after dusk. You looked as how old would appear
in fatigue's silhouette. Scabs ripped and wounds
reopened by the fangs of another, permitted
to penetrate by your heart. I try my hand at the
bad sewing and offered five doses of a dozen sheep,
every one soaking up the congenial shame you bleed.
One, the words rerun.
Two, the cruel time spools.
Three, the flashbacks breathe.
Four, the story recalls.
Five, your jaded spirit dives
into every memory and with every memory, the
hallucinations come back with a new found volume of
into every memory and with every memory, the
hallucinations come back with a new found volume of
sacrilegious vengeance.
Soon, what that did not once cause a tear will create
the downpour that drowns even the most defensive cactus.
Six minutes in and the girl who learned
to build her fortress of smiles is now the
same one cowering under the blanket.
Even teddy broke a sigh.
You, the luckless shattered soul, have no onus
to hear the cries I screech silent in my head.
Hush now, you are as young as I remembered;
as I pictured; as I find; as I think; as I dream.
You are as innocent as prison calls, as charming
as stars' glow at death. Hush now.
You know, the grand empires you conceive shall never truly
be safe and the majestic castles you raise shall never truly
protect when you are only hesitant to countenance
the entry of the unmelodious serpents.
the entry of the unmelodious serpents.
Thursday, July 09, 2015
Digging through
Digging through old stuff on my phone to clear out memory and I found two passages I've wrote but they were never posted due to bad timing and circumstances. The times have passed so why not post it now? However, just reading them makes me feel uncomfortable so I shan't elaborate on what they mean or represent.
Jealous Man
The greenness. It struck like lightning into the pupil of your eye and hit a nerve.
The Queevil
She reached out her hand, snapped her wrist down and they fell with her on their knees. She twisted her palm and their bodies followed suit. Bones crack on every silent scream.
You could hear the innocent droplets of water drip from the ceiling into hell. The room flushed with red glory.
Those faces of anguish. Her rotting grin. They bloomed so concurrently that it was like an evil sadistic bond was crushing them together.
The greenness. It struck like lightning into the pupil of your eye and hit a nerve.
The Queevil
She reached out her hand, snapped her wrist down and they fell with her on their knees. She twisted her palm and their bodies followed suit. Bones crack on every silent scream.
You could hear the innocent droplets of water drip from the ceiling into hell. The room flushed with red glory.
Those faces of anguish. Her rotting grin. They bloomed so concurrently that it was like an evil sadistic bond was crushing them together.
Saturday, July 04, 2015
Thinking Out Loud
Another new composition: Thinking Out Loud.
I have been wanting to do this song before exams started but was only free enough now. It is still kind of rocky and disjointed so I may make a few more changes before the final version!
I have been wanting to do this song before exams started but was only free enough now. It is still kind of rocky and disjointed so I may make a few more changes before the final version!
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
Back from grad trip #1
I'm back from holiday! UK and Ireland has been fun! I am so jet lagged right now.. I can't sleep at night and I scream at my alarm clock in the morning. I've nvr been so pissed off at my phone before. haha.
Apart from the two interesting people I've met, I've come to conclude that Irish people are really really friendly.. And also rather drunk. People have come up to me and the probability that I smell some booze on them is way toooo high, hhahaha. One other interesting thing I got to do was to present the gifts during one of the masses I went for. I still do not know why they chose me to do it, especially since I told them I was not catholic. But I'm glad a got a chance to experience bringing the bowl communion hosts to the priest. The lady had to explain what I had to do exactly and I was peeking at Pam (who was beside me presenting the chalice with the wine) the whole time so I wouldn't screw up.
London was amazing as well. I watched two musicals - Memphis and The Book of Mormon. I got a really good seat for Memphis. We were so close to the stage, I got to see the actor's facial expressions. The Book of Mormon was really really funny. It was as funny as it was sacrilegious. Oh yes, I need to tell you about my failures.
Failure #1: We went for a show on Friday when we book the tickets for Saturday. I don't know what overcame us to all think we booked it for Friday. We went there, presented our tickets and actually managed to go all the way to "our" seats. If not for the fact that there were people in "our" seats, we wouldn't have known of the mistake. But no harm done, we had an amazing Saturday instead.
Failure #2: I booked our flight for the wrong date. This is an amazing story. I booked the flight for 17/6, 8pm although we were supposed to fly on 18/6, same time. At 17/6, 8.45pm, the airline sent me an email, which I got while lazing in my hostel, that the flight was cancelled. I would not have known that I booked it for the wrong date if not for the cancellation email. And because they cancelled the flight, we were given a free change of flight or a refund. Of course I took the chance to book another flight on 18/7. This is not the end. We went to the airport on 18/7 and the flight got delayed for 4 hours. So Pam and I were waiting at the airport for nearly 7 hours. Because the flight was delayed, we were given compensation of £11.50 in terms of refreshment and €250 monetary compensation! They basically paid us for our flight and more. Best mistake yet.
Failure #3: I may have gone overboard with the shopping. I don't think my parents know about this yet. This is definitely one of the most expensive trips I've taken so far by myself. We ate like queens almost everyday. On the days we feel guilty, we ate like..... well we ate like how I'd would like my convenience to be - cup noodles, canned soups and instant macaroni.
Failure #4: I apparently look wayyyy tooo young. There was not a time I didn't have to present an identification card when buying alcohol over the counter. Also, I got the kiddy "bye bye" with the half squat and incessant waving when exiting the airplane while everyone else got the standard "thank you" and "goodbye". Funnily enough though, what this holiday helps to sink in more, now that it has ended, is the fact that I truly have graduated! Travelling with my mates from choir from the past 3 years has just been amazing.
Talking about the choir, we won! How about that? It is just mind blowing! When the results were released, I cried like the ugliest baby you know. Thank god I didn't have any eye makeup on. It feel so good to see us reap our hardwork like that. That moment was worth all those tears and frustration. We did good! Wait.... No.... We did best!
Congratulations
I can hear the glitter.
Do you hear the glitter?
Gold yet transparent, it's in the air.
I can breathe it on every strand of my body.
It's under my skin. I stand on it.
It cheers.
My mouth gaping, teeth rejoice.
The furrow suspicious but the eyes hopeful.
The tears drown,
The feet fly.
I'm above ground.
My heart stops; the crowd beats for me.
Arms shaking, flailing, squeezing, raising.
The noise silent.
The time replays and rewinds.
Cameras obsolete.
Spit confetti.
Do you hear the glitter?
It was from my soul.
I left it on the stage, now it's in the air.
Tears of the infected; it's under their skin.
I bask in it, I sob in it, I cry for it.
I hear it cheer.
Apart from the two interesting people I've met, I've come to conclude that Irish people are really really friendly.. And also rather drunk. People have come up to me and the probability that I smell some booze on them is way toooo high, hhahaha. One other interesting thing I got to do was to present the gifts during one of the masses I went for. I still do not know why they chose me to do it, especially since I told them I was not catholic. But I'm glad a got a chance to experience bringing the bowl communion hosts to the priest. The lady had to explain what I had to do exactly and I was peeking at Pam (who was beside me presenting the chalice with the wine) the whole time so I wouldn't screw up.
London was amazing as well. I watched two musicals - Memphis and The Book of Mormon. I got a really good seat for Memphis. We were so close to the stage, I got to see the actor's facial expressions. The Book of Mormon was really really funny. It was as funny as it was sacrilegious. Oh yes, I need to tell you about my failures.
Failure #1: We went for a show on Friday when we book the tickets for Saturday. I don't know what overcame us to all think we booked it for Friday. We went there, presented our tickets and actually managed to go all the way to "our" seats. If not for the fact that there were people in "our" seats, we wouldn't have known of the mistake. But no harm done, we had an amazing Saturday instead.
Failure #2: I booked our flight for the wrong date. This is an amazing story. I booked the flight for 17/6, 8pm although we were supposed to fly on 18/6, same time. At 17/6, 8.45pm, the airline sent me an email, which I got while lazing in my hostel, that the flight was cancelled. I would not have known that I booked it for the wrong date if not for the cancellation email. And because they cancelled the flight, we were given a free change of flight or a refund. Of course I took the chance to book another flight on 18/7. This is not the end. We went to the airport on 18/7 and the flight got delayed for 4 hours. So Pam and I were waiting at the airport for nearly 7 hours. Because the flight was delayed, we were given compensation of £11.50 in terms of refreshment and €250 monetary compensation! They basically paid us for our flight and more. Best mistake yet.
Failure #3: I may have gone overboard with the shopping. I don't think my parents know about this yet. This is definitely one of the most expensive trips I've taken so far by myself. We ate like queens almost everyday. On the days we feel guilty, we ate like..... well we ate like how I'd would like my convenience to be - cup noodles, canned soups and instant macaroni.
Failure #4: I apparently look wayyyy tooo young. There was not a time I didn't have to present an identification card when buying alcohol over the counter. Also, I got the kiddy "bye bye" with the half squat and incessant waving when exiting the airplane while everyone else got the standard "thank you" and "goodbye". Funnily enough though, what this holiday helps to sink in more, now that it has ended, is the fact that I truly have graduated! Travelling with my mates from choir from the past 3 years has just been amazing.
Talking about the choir, we won! How about that? It is just mind blowing! When the results were released, I cried like the ugliest baby you know. Thank god I didn't have any eye makeup on. It feel so good to see us reap our hardwork like that. That moment was worth all those tears and frustration. We did good! Wait.... No.... We did best!
Congratulations
I can hear the glitter.
Do you hear the glitter?
Gold yet transparent, it's in the air.
I can breathe it on every strand of my body.
It's under my skin. I stand on it.
It cheers.
My mouth gaping, teeth rejoice.
The furrow suspicious but the eyes hopeful.
The tears drown,
The feet fly.
I'm above ground.
My heart stops; the crowd beats for me.
Arms shaking, flailing, squeezing, raising.
The noise silent.
The time replays and rewinds.
Cameras obsolete.
Spit confetti.
Do you hear the glitter?
It was from my soul.
I left it on the stage, now it's in the air.
Tears of the infected; it's under their skin.
I bask in it, I sob in it, I cry for it.
I hear it cheer.
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