Maybe it's just easier if you have some faith

Read a blog today about someone's jc school life which I thought I could really relate to at some level.

It somehow brought me back to results day and teachers. It felt weird and terrifying, as If I was reliving all of it again.

But there is a significant difference. I wasn't the person. I was a bystander, who was looking at the younger version of me. So kinda like dejavu with a twist.

This allows me to see things in another perspective. I don't want to bore anyone with all the details of the flashback. Long story short, I realise that I was always "lucky".

My grades from the major exams are usually less than what I desired. However, those grades still manage to keep me going in the general direction that I was hoping to go with my expected better grades. It made me think if it was god at work.

I have always been outright agnostic. But it seems that maybe there is something bigger that puts me through my presumed obstacles.

Didn't go on stage (no >5A1s) for O levels.
But got into NJC.
Didn't get >3As for A levels.
But got into NTU Accountancy.

Now that I am in accountancy, I am still doubting if I would ever be satisfied with this decision. I dont think I have doubted a decision so much before. I do hope I don't regret it.

Maybe it's another of god's doing. Maybe he has some plan for me in mind.

Or... Maybe it is just easier to believe that there is someone out there making these plans for you just so you don't feel so alone and so demoralized when things go wrong.

The end always feels better

Today I feel that I am on the top of my game. I've secured a place with older cliques. Grouped well with new ones. Am thought of well enough to be tasked with something I never thought I was qualified to. I bridge people, even though I'm the only one who is using the bridge. Haha.

Work has been much better now that ppl are actually making a conscious effort to appreciate us. Free macchiato first two days back. Free lunch today. And free pizza tomorrow. Not that I'm cheapskate or anth but it's the thought that counts. My colleagues and I, we are a lucky bunch whether they feel so too or not.

I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm leaving soon that is causing me to feel that work ain't that bad nowadays. Wonder what I would be doing for a whole month. Argh. Time to start planning stuff.

Deafening silence

Haven't blogged in a while and since I had time, I decided to just force some lot thingy into me and wrote a poem. I don't think this is a good piece and probably needs loads of touch up due the fact that I was cracking my head so badly for inspiration. Don't judge!!

Deafening silence

From a mother's diary about her deaf child

Tick tock. Tick tock ring.
Ring. Riinng. Riiinnng!
Yawn. Splitting headache.
Riiiinnnng! I jump to my feet,
Rub my eyes and wipe the
wetness on the ends of my gown.
Birds are chirping outside, mocking
me; mocking her and her lack of sound.

She sleeps peacefully beside,
a smile on her face.
I use one so often, it's a tool
just a hand stretch away.
I stroke her hair and carcass her cheek.
I smell her scent; she smells
like the soap I use. I listen to her
breathing, as sweet as church bells.

She used to be special, not abnormal, until
her certified protector went insane.
My ring represented his promises but
now embodies her suffering and my pain.
I regret the first push that gave her
life. I regret the final push that took
it. Her piercing scream; her last word
eloped with my ability to look
through dry eyes. Sniff.

I snapped out of my daze. Riiinnng!
A myriad of noises all around me.
Yet, her silence is most deafening.

He doesn't deserve this

I wouldn't have felt indignant about it until someone puts poison in my head. Maybe I would feel alittle bit from myself; from my own observations, but not to this extent.

He doesn't deserve this and I shouldn't treat him this way like how others are. But society is a weird hemisphere and I am on the border line. I don't fit in perfectly there. They don't give him a chance to fit in. I want out sometimes. But I want the choice to "want out" more.

Am not troubled but am confused. What should I do? My conscience bug me sometimes but my feelings of indignant overpower it usually as it has a strong ally of the want to belong.