Brace yourself

Haven't blogged since forever and I really need a channel for my feelings recently. I have gotten over the fact that my results could have been better and am actually quite satisfied now since I've gotten an UNi offer already. But still, I have to admit that the occasional boasting of my friends on fb still drives me nuts then and there.

My moodiness now turns to work, especially today. It was the cold war. Well, not really. Tensions were present and lost in a matter of minutes but bitching was a significant part. I don't even know where it came from. And maybe it was the enhanced effect from the combination of PMS and the hectic work life, but I am totally drained emotionally. I don't understand how ppl are so different from the ppl whom I hang out with. I mean I am growing to realise that some ppl just want to make comments just for the sake of making comments without even giving thought of what others would feel. I used to think that if you had smth good to say, it's alright to say it to the person but if it ain't, especially of its on such superficial stuff, why tell the person?? I mean, I see my colleagues commenting on hair and clothes and appearance. It comes across very superficial to me. Depth. Depth.

And then another big thing that is going on is the lack of doing work of some and the über hardworkingness of some that has caused a huge hooha. I used to think that helping one another out to be smth that comes natural. And I feel that this environment has changed me as ppl just are not in the same thinking as me. I remember one gloating about how he/she has finally served one after so long. Seriously? You're gloating about that? Anyway, I've learnt to moderate what I do (though I'm not proud of it) And the unhappiness is now on others who feel te injustice.

Ppl are finally voicing out their concerns. and ppl are leaving the workplace one by one, either by their own wish or against. Those who stayed had to prove that they knew what they were doing. I don't know if it was in my blood or what but the test I took it quite seriously even though I didn't study. I checked it twice ( like Santa) and tried to clarify the doubts after the test was returned. Apparently no one was quite interested in that. I mean I wanted to learn. Butppl don't seem too keen.

Anyway, enough about work. On a happier note, I have found this new series called once upon a time. Awesome show though a little scary at times. Owells. Time for bed. Jiayou Agnes. Brace yourself.

Perfect imperfections

Perfect imperfections

There is something, I swear,

that is the size of a tic-tac.

Tiny. Real tiny, yet so powerful.

It overwhelms me and swallows

me whole as if I were nothing.

Nothing.

It wasn't supposed to hurt so bad.

It wasn't supposed to hurt at all.

But I was there and she was there.

They were there too and it happened.

The world enclosed and I was the

only one with the subtle screaming

of my heart as my hands caressed

the unique texture of my result

slip.

I had planned to be pleasantly surprised.

This was not expected. No.

"If only I had another A, I'd be

satisfied". Yea right. If I had

another A, I would have asked for

another. Now I'm left feeling beaten

down over something as small as

a tic-tac.

What am I going to do now? Dates are

passing without waiting for me. Cruel

cruel time. The independent being.

I do not want to diminish

the meaning and significance of the

Harikiri, but I feel as though I

somewhat understand how much

shame can influence you.

That much.

What I cannot comprehend is my

inability to let this go. Everything

seems so surreal. Not a dream

but a figment of my imagination.

It is coming across as if providence

doesn't exist.

This is ironic, I guess, since I'm

agnostic. I've never shied away

aggressively from religion. I believe

I've probably been waiting for

something that would convince me

totally. This isn't it.

But who am I kidding? I wouldn't

have been urged towards God

if I had done well either. I'm

in a mess.

I just wish someone would tell

me what to do, that is,

of course, in accordance to what

I want.

I know I am going against the

norm all because I am afraid.

I am afraid that I cannot make it

to the norm; that I cannot make it

in the norm; that I cannot make it

out of the norm.

And, I guess, what I really

fear is that I would be part of

the norm and un-special.

I didn't stand out this time

and so I need to rectify that

by coming back with something others do not have due to the

very fact that they were better

than me in this horrid play

of fate.

I have to go overseas and be

different. My parents do not

understand my burning need

to be apart from everyone.

The more my mum tells me about

being like the rest, the more

agitated I get by the fact that

I was going to end up as a

robot of this society.

Studying abroad gives me the

opportunity to be different from

the society there and allows me

to be differentiated from the

rest of the people that the

Singapore education system tries to

produce.

Looking at a self-portrait of myself

now. It is a little bit deformed, due to

my lack of artistic- genius genes,

and it looks a tat bit abstract.

The fake smile; the sad eyes.

The nose looks perfect though.

As a whole, that picture is indeed,

perfect.

That's what I need to be now.

I am a little bit disoriented, I admit.

However, I need to put on a smile

to hide my crying emotions and

carry on with life. I'll let my

nose lead the way; make the

necessary decisions now and

wait for the next miracle to happen.

A level results

Recieved my results yesterday and am feeling beaten down today. They were not necessarily atrocious but the significant lack of As are sinking my emotions. Fuck everything man.