biggest bitch alive

"i love you" as a friend...

One thing occupied my mind in the afternoon. you called. but i couldnt listen to your explaination just yet. i just couldnt. hearing your voice... just brought back the dreaded memories of what you did. your indifference. and i could feel the tears. not in my eyes, but i could feel them. and i would not cry for you again.

i hung up. i told my mum and shengying what happened. my mum defended you and SY explained on your behalf. i felt like the biggest bitch alive, not being able to forgive and forget. well, more of the forgive part. im someone who NEVER forgets. i dont feel like a bitch after listening to what they said. i feel like one cause i cant listen to you.

i feel bad for not being able to give you a chance to explain. if i had, maybe we would be on tlaking terms again. i feel bad. but i didnt regret it. i treasure this friendship enough to have gone through so much. giving you chances after chances to explain. but you refused them, or rather, trampled on them.

i called you 5 times the amount you have. messaged you. and even visited your house. you?

now, you have to give me a chance to forgive you. i need you to reassure me that you do care about this relationship. im not angry at you. im DISSAPOINTED. you have to show me that you would go through miles for this friendship. im not expecting you to beg, but you to want this.

from what SY said, i realised that all was a misunderstanding. and i want to explain to you too. but im not too sure if you're worth the trouble at all. so since i cant do so infront of you. i shall just explain here.

1. Bball incident.

ALL the clique's contacts are grouped in my phone. if i were to ask the clique out, EVERYONE will get the msg. its impossible for me to not ask you out when i ask everyone else. besides, when did i ever ask ppl to play bball??

2. you as my entertainer huh?

i call you to pei me everytime im free is because i WANT to spend my free time with you. cause i see you as a very good friend. and you KNOW that every time im free, i would say im bored. DUH. its ok if you dont want to spend all those time with me. you can obviously tell me. or lie. i wouldnt know if you lied would i? but if you didnt like my company, why do you ask me out too? its ok. since you dont want me to ask you out, i wont. i respect your decision. but just make it clear to me, what IS your decision?

3. making you have to stop in the middle of your game to send me home.

i cant believe that you actually brought this incident up to SY. but anyways, since i still see you as a friend (whom i am currently not speaking to now), i shall explain it too. you know i was pissed that night. you know i cant go home that late. i was bugging you to go go go. and you said your game had about 30mins, 45mins to go. you knew. its not as if i was uncaring towards your precious game. i said. I SAID it was ok for me to go home myself. I SAID i would go home myself. YOU didnt let it. YOU said it was ok. so is bringing this up a stab in my back?

loads of questions on my side. will you answer them?

worthy?

我累了，不想再追究下去。因为今天我发现一件重要的事：
你不值得。

cause you refuse to tell

its already my 3rd post today.....

im starting to wonder if you were even human. dont even know why you suddenly needed to treat me like this. if i did smth wrong, i've given you more than enough chance to berate me. but you didn't. if i didnt do smth right, i've also given you more than enough chance to tell me. but you didnt. you keep saying it was nothing. so who is the one to apologise?

you? for treating me like this for no possible reason? or me? for any reason which you REFUSE to say. what. WHAT? WHAT is it?!

today i felt like a weight had lifted from my back. and this is no ordinary weight. its PW weight. any JC1 person would tell you how heavy it is. i thought nothing could be heavier, but the weight that was slapped right back on this evening was far heavier. so am i losing a friend?

should i be angry? or should i tear? are you worth it? you why cant you say the reason? you can choose. apologise or explain. there's no neither option. i cried in front of you. but you dint say i was wrong. i bitched about you in your face. but you dint say you were wrong. so who is at fault here?

i've always been me. you changed 180 degrees just for me. no one else. me. such honour. if only i could throw it back into your face. your face, i want to hit; roll my palm into a fist and just swing it through. impact.

how are you able to be soo indifferent to my tears? or so heartless to my vulgarities? you know i hate them. and would never use them unless.... unless smth serious. well, doesnt it show that you actually MEAN smth to me. but do i to you?

dont know who's the idiot here. you, for forsaking this friendship and everything we had. or me, for holding on to them?am i suppose to let go? pretend i've nvr known you. its hard. you're harder than HIM i suppose. i dont know anymore.

and why dont i know. cause someone refuse to tell...

tearing

breathing has never posed as a challange to me. but trying to do so is hard when tears are welling up in your eyes every second

I want some answers

I want some answers!
i dont even know what i did.
dont understand if i was wrong,
or you're trying to kid.

and what a day to choose it all!
my spirits high,
you crushed; it fall.

like a punch in the face,
coming from the back of your head,
cause your eyes had no contact with me,
looking as if i was already dead.

dont you know its not nice,
to play with feelings.
it should be a crime,
like murder and stealing.

you're an asshole,
with a nut for a brain.
stabbed me with ignorance and nothing.
my heart bled, cried out in pain.

i want some answers!
now confusion interwoven.
so giddy, spinning!
cant even finish this p...

happiness

hrm... its quite late le. but not tired so decided to blog... OP is this week. tmr, or rather, today will have our last dry run by our selves. hope we can rock it manz... back is aching from playing too much com. so going to go off soon.

yesterday was damn fun. going out with friends to sentosa, though buying food and getting on monorail experience was terrifying to the extent of inability to describe, simple games like frisbee, volleyball and dunking others into the sea water was hell lot of fun! miss all of em loads.

one more year to go. one more year of mugging hard (JC) and then it will be off to no man's land (uni). and then after that, i shall be fully equipped for battle in the work force. but first, have got to pass the A levels. *roll eyes*

owells. hope everyone was contented with their results. i dont think i ever felt extreme sadness after recieving my paper. disappointment, yes, but no extreme sadness. like i said, working hard may not always reflect on my grades, but not working hard would. so i guess i dont feel sad as i feel that i have tried. :)

it's late already.

nitey nitey

今天，小佳玲在阴暗的走道上散步，雨滴与微风轻轻地亲了她的脸颊。嘴角不禁地往上提，不由自主地漏出了个笑声。脑子里当然是充满了与朋友们分享的愉快的那一天；那幸福的一天。