need to be alone

had the most perfect day to study. sch ended early, have no cca today. but i turned on the television watched. and now im here, cause i refuse to study now. i refuse. a much deserved rest, from cramming all the notes and dynamics and words and fomulas. so today, im not working anymore.

i realised recently that whenever my friends apologise for being "harsh" with their words aint really "harsh" for me. guess they have not known what i've been through- a prolonged boot camp. i cant stand inspirational speeches or pep talking anymore. cause the overwhelming sight, or in this case, hearing of it is having the complete opposite effect on me...

i see my self spacing out when im with my friends sometimes. more so these few days. i need to be alone.

Visiting guilt

Today dint really do much. Was relaxing and rejuvenating. In essence, a much needed holiday. :)

Yesterday, on the other hand was bad. Not as in the day sucked but bad inside. I did two things I knew I shouldn't. White lie. Betrayal. One was an easy decision, the other was stressful. Although I knew exactly that both were wrong, I found it hard to feel the assumed guilt.

Visiting guilt
I tucked you in. And on Thursday night,
When I come by, I will kiss you by the cheek.
You will take my coat and we will sit for tea.
I eat the cake you serve and feel it nourish every part of me.

We will chat about my old times.
Awkwardness whirls round the room
Like the rush I got when I was an adolescent.
A cup of coffee will get rid of it. A cup of coffee always does.

“Two cubes please.” It masks the bitterness.
I wipe the last few drops off my lips
And before you could converse,
I will stand up, check my hair and be ready to bid you farewell.

Then, you will kiss me by the cheek,
Sending shivers down my spine.
I will pick up my coat,
Once again forgetting to whisper, in your ear, “I’m sorry.”

:)

i love her but... im starting to get annoyed. she's loud. TOO LOUD! for my preference, and maybe others too. dont want to tell her least she gets all drama again. i remember the last time someone told her to tone it down. i said even if she wanted to change, she should still be her. and with a twist of some words, she thanked the person who told her to tone it down and made me feel like the bad guy. im not going down that road again.

well, besides bitching and failing napfa for the 3rd time, today was surprisingly peaceful and productive. i need more of todays.

ps. bensee's posts are getting innovative, i think. or he might just be going the other way round. owell, you can never go wrong with a DIO quote. and yea, it sucks to be you, and me, and everyone else in this world, so man up! i should woman up too. >.< i especially like the post where you wrote absolutely nothing and titled it "the train of thought was lost again". personallu, your coolest post yet

dreams

the water works are appearing again, more often than i thought it would, yet less often than i hoped it would. life's tumbling downhill again, as usual, since i am still trapped in choir. i see how the escape party happily while enduring the consequences. i want to run away cause the wall i built up is rapidly degrading. i can feel arrows sinking deep into my flesh. random arrows. and i pray that none will be fatal. i see my comrades standing by my side weeping, sharing the exact same predicament as me. i console them and my tears hides. laying my head next to the free ones, the salty cowards leak out like an abandoned dam.

if there were a pyramid that denotes hierachy, where would i be? i see the masses revolting, succedding. i feel the upper classes oppressing, succedding. and i feel myself suffocating, failing, dying. im trying to stand up again but the two forces are too great. collective.. maybe we can do it collectively. but i feel so alone.

i wish one day i will not be afraid anymore. i wish i had the courage to look at her in the face. i do not want bombastic words. i do not want fancy languages. just 2 simple words would do. "you suck". that would do. that would be what i would do. that would be what i would do in my dreams, now, later, and then. but in reality? i know it will never come out. cause i am scared.

she puts out the fire in me and makes me feel like crap. singing. they both teach me singing. so why the vast difference in methods? one makes me feel like i could conquer the world with my voice. the other shuts me down, takes away the microphone and shines the spotlight on the others.

i love the stage. i want to stand on it, yet i feel so bad that i have to depend on you to stand on "your" stage. i do not need you to stand on a stage. i have other means. in fact, i think i stood on a stage more times than you ever did. but i still love the stage. and with any time i could do that, i would not throw away that chance. so dont take it away from me. cause if you did, i swear, i may just throw a punch in your face, when i lie my head on my pillow.

manikin

Felt almost terrible today. I do not understand why I even bother to put up a façade. It was as if I had to. Though, feeling like crap inside, I just had to put up a front for the others. It was a fucked up day. Yesterday was worse. It seemed like everything was to crash and fall and crumble on me like the ongoing earthquake. But thankfully it wasn’t. Everything crashed, fell and crumbled on me step by step. To be honest and frank, some even made me feel relieved.

I could hear the soft whispering. Yea, like I couldn’t hear what you were trying to say when you were right in front of me. I could see, from the corner of my eye, the disapproving nods. Stuck up asshole. And of course, other people had to do so well, putting on more pressure on pressure. My heart beats faster, whilst another stops. Tears, welled up in my eye sockets, never got to see the light. I need a break. From everything. From life.

Words from teachers, senior and peers. Evil words strangle me and I feel choked. I need someone to hug and cry on. Available shoulders are no longer in stock. The mall is closed and I am the only one trapped behind that glass door. All in a day of a manikin.

im here

should i press on? things are getting too stressful too soon. and if i do not make it tmr, i dont think the spotlight will ever find me again, even when i stand on centre stage. im so tempted to quit, but too afraid to. i find myself in the same position as i was before. yet till now, i cannot find the will or solution.

My eyes saw your tears

My eyes saw your tears
I think I may have said too much.
My lips spat, crimson red dripped from his arm.
As though miming in a glass box,
His silent cries resonated in my head
Tear by tear by tear by… I fell down.
Guys. Hard, but fragile;
Armored, but not impermeable;
Resolute, but huMAN.
May be it was the unreachable badge,
Or the key at hand.
But I felt my tongue slice through you.

taking a stroll

i encounted a very interesting conversation yesterday. and i found out how mentally strong or weak i was, comparatively. all these choir talk have been spiralling my mind like some flushing toilet bowl.

complaining, to the strong, was nothing but being feeble. yet, to be able to throw away the redundant was equivalent to an organised secretary. and a good secretary is essential for success.

on a learning journey now. that's how i see it. the road ahead seems really really far. but i look back and see the stretch behind. how do i know im getting better? cause if i was me in the past, i would have never admitted that there was the stretch ahead.

how should i push?

ok, i got to go shower and then get ready for chem tuition really soon, so im gonna keep this SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT.

yesterday had choir again. and it was like usual practices. like last year, when we were gearing up for the cork competition. but im different now. i've grown i think. at least that was what my friend told me. but this had nothign to do with choir. yet again, im seeing my juniors, asking the same questions i was asking myself last year. i've answered those questions already, at least most of them. wish i could help, but until they find their own answers, they wont actually feel it.

i think i really really understand how singing is like now. i mean really singing. to immerse yourself into the song and creating cords and whatsoever. so at least that's point for agnes >.<

ok, im digressing. today i want to talk about preaching. scoldings are like pushing someone with your feet, aka, trampling. and if theat person could see herself as a spring, she'll bounce back even higher. but preaching. preaching is weird. i guess i used to like to preach, in a way, i think. maybe i still do. but the thing is that to preach is in directly making yourself feel better. because you'll feel some kind of non-existing power within you. and people who listens to it will feel demoralised . at least some will cause they really did try.

i've always been a leader. at least a leader figure. in the sense that i had titles. i've always been since primary school. every year of my academic life (which almost is all my life cause im not that old and am still schooling) i have been a leader, except this year. not being a leader allowed me to feel what i have not experienced before. and i saw everything i did wrong before. i picture an ideal leader now and im aiming to achieve that, even though im not one now.

but the most important thing i've noticed is that it is uber important to encourage. encouragement, praises and "thank you"s. they work wonders. im not saying that occasional preaching and scoldings are bad, but encouragement should still be the fundamental. people should keep that in mind... and never give up.

ok chem tuition. rushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!