uhh to waiting for photos to upload

been going out so much that imma lazy to upload all the photos. tmr will be the last day of 2011. cant believe the year just went past rather quickly, though i feel that this hols seem to be forever. cheers to a wonderful year ahead. imma sleepy now so.... nights everyone!

bored...

omg. the past few days have been going out EVERYDAY!!! i think i spent more time out then at home. going out later again with Jarin and gang. we're meeting at clementi at 1.30pm so now i have nothing to do. boredddddddddd. i was thinking maybe i'd write another poem. but what inspiration? uhhh. i guess i post one up when i think of it.

期待

还是跟女孩子说话比较容易、比较坦白。我决定要当个女强人、没必要依赖任何人。但这不代表我要当个保母。这，我很确定。我要一个可以依靠的男人。但这也不代表我一定得赖着他。时日还早，慢慢来吧。我有个感觉，他已经默默地等着我的出现。就让我现在耐心地期待。

Police

Just got stopped by the police. Took our particulars. Suay TTM.

Thailand 2011

Thailand diary

13 dec:
Setting off to Thailand. Packing of bags is so troublesome. Met jar jar at lot 1 and she helped me pick out shorts that I desperately need for the trip. Then, she gave me my bday prezzie!! Awesome shoes. Shall bring them to Thailand.

14 dec:
Touched down at 12+am. About 2.5 hours flight. Thailand is 1 hour later than Singapore so according to Thailand, I touched down at 11+ pm on the 13th instead. I just gained an extra hour of birthday? Hahaha. I found out that my facial wash has leaked though... Grrrr have to ration it throughout the next few days. Hope it can last!

Woke up from a good sleep since the airplane journey was a pain in the back. IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!! Received loads of wishes from friends thank you all. Too bad I can't reply... :( shall do so when I reached Singapore.

My birthday was spent mostly with animals. I witness people kissing cobras, I saw monkeys dunking bballs and I rode an elephant for an entire hour! I saw a gigantic spider larger than the size of my palm and its web was twice the size of my head. And to be clear, i ain't no small headed person! After that, I visited the long neck tribe and  even enjoyed an authentic Thai massage! Awesome... Just hours ago, I went to the night market to get some souvenirs for my dear friends. Can't wait to go again tmr. Bargaining is fun! Auntie even bought a cake to share with uncle(his birthday is tmr). Ok, Need to wake up at 5.30am Thai time tmr, so nights for now!

15 dec:
If there was ever a day to be sleepy, it would be today. Slept really late cause I still had to wait for my hair to dry. Woke up early in the morning as a panda and ate a huge breakfast. It's uncle's birthday today so we were going to eat the cake today. 

In the morning we went to the hot spring but it was too hot for me to even dip my feet in for anything more than 5 seconds. But the geyser was awesome! It shot up around 5, 6 stories high? Magnificent.

We had lunch at the Thailand, Laos, Myanmar and China border along the Mekong river. Maybe somewhere my sis is also looking at the same river. We were so near The border, my brother even had China reception! Hahaha  And the food is SPICY!!  Some of my friends thought that I would learn to eat spicy food after going to Thailand. Well, now I can say with utmost certainty that I rekindled my HATRED for spicy food!! My entire mouth, tongue and lips were on fire by the first bite. And trust me, there ain't a second bite. So lunch was little. I'll just take it as saving space for the cake! :) 

Cake was scrumptious! Afterwards, we went to the golden triangle where you can see 3 countries at one single location. I bought more souvenirs cause well I love my friends (and shopping). Went to the Myanmar border where we were literally one gate away from Myanmar. Loads of shops; bought nothing:( but it's ok since we were heading back for dinner then the night market again!

It is a super super long way back and I guess I slept so much throughout the day that I couldn't sleep anymore and the song "insomnia" was playing over and over in my head. Wonder If I would ever get the chance to dance that again... I miss being part of orientations.

I told myself the dinner better be worth all this pain since I was getting nauseous from the long van ride. And it was. It was good, too good and too much for me and my little stomach. The tour guide even gave me a birthday present! He is so nice :) I also managed to witness LADYBOYS! Omg, they are SEXY TTM! They make pretty girls inferior man. 

16 dec:
Today's the last full day in Thailand. We went to the temple that required 325 steps to reach. We also went to visit some tribe in the mountains and to see the royal orchid park thing. There were sooooo many orchids- some larger than the palm of my hand; some the size of "."!

Then, we went to the supermarket for the purpose of buying a tube of toothpaste. But we ended up buying other tibits. By we I meant auntie and her family. My family bought nothing. But things went fine until dinner when my stomach starts to hurt like mad... Urgh... On top of that, I was shaking real bad.  Agnes does not like pain.

Vomited in the hotel. I swear I just lost 2 kgs today. Yay...

17 dec:
Last day in Chiangmai. I think today I probably experienced the most efficient sightseeing ever! Went to the umbrella factory, jewelry factory, silk factory, bird nest place, the local market and visited the Mandarin oriental hotel. Omg, the hotel, could charge 4K sing dollars per night! It's uber big. They even grow their own vegetables. We bought quite a lot of food and headed to the airport.

Omg again. I just couldn't believe my luck. I saw 2 NJC chemistry teachers sitting on the seats right in front of me on the plane! Aka, sitting beside my papa. Brrr... Scary. Hahas. Can't wait to touch down and see my friends and family. Let me think of the message I should type once I receive reception:

Hey kids, mama's back!! :)

亲爱的朋友

亲爱的朋友，你的烦恼我很乐意去听。你的哭诉我很愿意聆听。你心想的，我知道。你所感觉的困扰，我明白。你因为有太多选择而不知该如何是好。选选自己吧，不必想太多。你也要坚定，别冲动，让事情顺其自然。所谓：船到桥头自然直。不须担心，你会渡过这一段时期的。

Wishing upon a partial lunar/solar eclipse

Closer. Good to know, wonderful to feel, awesome to be. :) cheers to that! Now I just want to go to bed and wish that by the time I wake up, all the application stuff magically finishes themselves. Adieu!!

Why I no go out with girls?

Oops you caught me. :X but anyway, today was at first kinda boring until my uncle came to visit and brought me out to lunch. Yummy yummy lunch. Hahas. He told me a lot of the good trait my daddy embodies which I've never even thought to look out for. I see admiration in his eyes and awe in mine. I also realized that we shared a lot in common, especially when it comes to music. Eye opener indeed! Hahas, but after he bailed, I was left stranded at lot1 without anything to do or anywhere to go. So I ended up home; after the all important purchasing of gong cha.

After laying for a significant amount of time, I decided to move my ass to Bryan's to relieve the boredom I attempted to subdue with lame jokes on my iPhone. We played guitar hero and band hero (whatever the difference). And I TOTALLY (was) KICKED (in the) BUTT!!! Heehee. Okok but then, fun as it may be, I still rather the conversation I had with nic whilst on the way home best. I finally know how the argument originated and I guess it, in some way, gave me closure. I'm glad we're still great friends. And maybe, just maybe, some walls will start to crumble.

Dear heart, say "ah"

I used to think that you were never going to open up. that you were some distant entity that i could not comprehend, or have the chance to do so. i always felt a barrier, self-made, to protect myself from the repetition of past occurrences. but today you did and i felt a connection; not in the love sense. it was comforting. in return, i told you some of what i could share but i still held back on some though i would have loved a listening ear.

you really opened my eyes today and brought me into another zone that i've never thought to think about. on the receiving end, i've never even thought about the amount of effort, time, thoughts and emotions the other party has to invest into this. for self-protection, i've never initiated. i see things i like in different people but i dont see a particular person i could potentially love. the wait seems too long and at times, annoying. but the pain of the wait, i've learnt, is a good exchange for the pain of forcing a relation, the pain of the breakup and the pain of the feeling of being single again. its easier to be single after being single for so long. you will feel withdrawal symptoms after a breakup.

i also saw what our minds are thinking of now. i no longer give myself excuses though i still use them to brush away the questions of others. im envious of others while others are envious of me. but i dont feel inferior. and you dont see how i see the rest; how i see myself; and how i see you...

The escaped puppet and the entrapped rat
I stare into the window and saw you,
little lab rat. You were in a little cage,
eating your food with your little hands.
You had no concern for the rest of the world;
you probably have never seen the world.
Cherish your ignorance and you’d probably
be famous like I was. My strings gave me rope
burns as the audience cheered whenever I
bowed unwillingly. Now I am just a runaway
puppet, wishing to be controlled once again.
Do not cut off your strings ever.
Decisions are hard and independence is not
worth what you experience in the outside world.

I see you staring at me through the window
and I am envious. Your strings were cut
and you could roam free by yourself.
You could choose to do anything in the world;
you probably could do everything in the world.
Cherish your freedom and you’d probably
never be manipulated like me. I’m fed good
food as the scientists cheered whenever I
succeeded unknowingly. Now I am just a trapped
pet, wishing to be free once again.
Peel open that sunflower seed and reveal the grain.
Compliance is hard and dependence is not
worth what you endure in confinement.

Eating

Eating
Your spit coated my face
just the way I like it.
Closing my eyes, I savor every moment.
A smirk. “Darling, I know what you ate for breakfast.”
Our traditional snake dance.
Slobber. More slobber. I love it.
There’s no awkwardness between us,
only heat from friction between our breaths
and heat from the frictionless relationship we share.
“You take my breath away, Honey.”
Our cooperation is seamless-
you follow my lead and I… “Dearie, more tongue.”
I love the taste of your lip gloss.
Strawberry is the sexiest chemical ever made-
a genius’s work that keeps me going and going and going.
and your perfume, your pheromone, my addiction.

I open my eyes to capture this magical frame:
the old man with the disapproving eyes;
the married couple with their green eyes;
and the children whose eyes were prohibited from such a sight.
That’s right. You are going to be traumatized tonight
and the next day and the next. That’s right. It shall consume
you like how she consumes me whole.


Inspired by my friends, Han Jun and Jeanette

You cant get your pigtails back

havent blogged for a long time. shall start off with this:


You cant get your pigtails back
The pigtails strutted across the hall alone.
A walking temptation.
She faced sneers from other girls,

putting her down. She felt inferior.
Yet, she fought the pressure with tears in her eyes
until she caved in one day and

the sneers stopped.
She bled and teared on the bed where
the boy, paid for his service, lay.

She lost her pigtails in the mess.
She strutted down the hall
with the other girls.

As she sneered at other pigtails,
she could sense them sneering back,
putting her down. She was superior but inferior.

With tears in her eyes,
she knew her innocence was gone forever
once the other girls penetrated her life.

facebook deactivation

i deactivated facebook. and so the mugging starts; profusely

Toy

Toy
I know I said no before,

it is still a no now.

I look at you, I don't adore

but confused about what why how.

You said you are good for me,

that I do not deny.

But I just cant seem to say yes, you see,

unless I'm sure you're the right guy.

This is against the feelings inside

but I'm conscious I'm flirting back.

I know the same feelings, you're trying to hide.

Self-control, evident, is what I lack.

I still don't feel the way you do,

maybe love for a little brother.

You're pretending you feel this too

when its obvious I'm no sister.

But let's continue this pretence.

It's much more amusing than I thought.

Yea, it's against all common sense

but it makes us both happy, does it not?

Okay, may be it's only me

cause it's flattering and a hell lot of fun.

And if you think its too high a fee,

I suggest you'd better run.

Friendly dedication

today had our graduation day. so im gonna write a few heartfelt words to my friends here. :)

Nandini

Oh woman, where do I start? You’re like my Catherine- always haunting, always everywhere, always screaming when we talk, and always doing some wave with your hands every time we sit on the bus. I know sometimes I don’t show you as much affection as Heathcliff or the bunch of Indian gang boys or the presumed rapist in Bishan, but you know I love you darling. You drive me insane mentally and exhaust me physically. Yet, you were always a willing outlet for emotions. I never seem to want to portray my emotions before, so be proud you’ve impacted me. Hahas. Hope we stay friends for a long long time because I won’t be satisfied till I get to witness you curbing your chilli addiction.

Wee Boon

Hey dearie. Do you know you are one phenomenal friend? You were always there when I needed you. You’d listen to all my sappy stories. You encourage when necessary and bitch with me unnecessarily. You willingly put yourself forth so that I can vent my anger. You feel my happiness and congratulate me. But mostly, you’d spend time logging in and out of facebook to help me gain weird stuff for country story. Hahas dearie, you’re wonderful. I miss our morning chats when we would converse about the well being of our crops and other random stuff, which are so random that I can’t remember them. I know we’ll always continue to keep in touch and I feel comfort in that fact. Hahas. Cheers to that! Stay awesome!

Mikhail

Hi Mikhail! Two words- onion rings! Hahas. My stomach and I will forever remember that; the way you made us starve, you evil evil little boy. Hahas. You were one hell of an emotional ride my dear boy, but I am nonetheless happy to have known you. Apart from malnutrition, I will always remember you and the Wednesdays when we talked about anything and everything that would make you much more than a little uncomfortable. You’re easy to talk to and a great person to go to if one needs to calm down. Got to say thanks for the amazing JC experience I’ve had. Gracias amigo!

Charity

You owe me money girl. You owe me loads and loads of money. Every time I donate money, I thought it was going for a good cause. Yet, find out now that they were all being transferred to your account! Hahas. Omg. Your jamming session in the choir store was uber fun fun fun fun. And that collaborating concert of ours is sooooo on, provided that you don’t give up half-ways because I suck too much. All the best in your pursue in music. (Jordy and) I give you (our) my full support!! *raise eyebrows* Hope to see you name in the papers soon and hope that by then, we’ll still be as close so that I could give the Mrs. Wuzun a phone call to congratulate her. Hahas. Stay groovy and remember to pay me back my money!

Ainiah

Guess a number I’m thinking of! Omg. I don’t know if you were lucky or unlucky hahas. But anyways, I’ll really miss you since school is now over. Ainiah darling, you’re my one and only true Girl Girl Relationship I have. It’s hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet, so don’t you dare lose me! Muahahahha. Lunch without you will never be the same again. Hahas. We have got to hang out again some other time after A’s girl. If you don’t I’ll break up with you! (I know I’ve said it many times, but I mean it this time)

Pallavi

Palls! You’re a terrific friend and I’ll miss you so much. Thanks you the listening ears and the occasional advice. You’ll make a great psychologist dearie. Thanks for empathizing always and explaining to me, time and again, about Indian traditions which I never seem to understand fully. Hahas. Remember to invite me to your wedding. And remember to prepare loads of yellow powder! I will be looking forward to that day. But till then, stay in touch and splendid all the time!

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

its been so long since i teared. and when i thought drama is a thing of a past, it always comes back to haunt me. just too many things in me and too little channels for me to open up. im leaking and oozing out sadness and injustice cause there's just an excess of it.

i dont want to go to sch. its funny to say such a thing like when i have only 2 more days left, excluding graduation day. but, nj have been fucking distressing these few days.

i guess it all started with academics. or maybe not. but then. studies has always been a source of stress no matter what. i recently heard my friend say that i made him "feel like a loser". his words, not mine. saying that i make him feel worse when i complain about my "good" grades. so i guess i shant talk about acads here. but just you know, i aint feeling too good being a 'bully'.

and of course, my weight. i know i've always put on weight when ever im stressed. i used to be sooo skinny. i know exams have always caused me to get abit thicker, but i always compensate after exams by thinning down by 2-3Kg every time. but as i grow, i feel a rising importance in results and i get more stressed. aka, more fat. its not good to know that i've put on 10Kg in just 6 years. thats alot of weight to put on in such a small amount of time. so i aint feeling as confident about my size as you think i am. so back off bitches, i dont need you to make me thinner or feel that im an fat ass pig. back off.

the last thing happened in sch today. and i guess its kinda the last straw. actually, maybe not. reciting what happened today, at home, was the final straw. the freaking asshole DM caught me for my skirt. and mind you, my skirt IS long. it freaking reaches my knee. my bag lifted my skirt, its not like i intentionally want to show off my ass to the sch population you fking bitch. its not like i could tell me bag

"hey, dont lift my skirt".

oh and did you know? senior teaches aint that clever. she told me she wants to take a picture of my skirt cause i told her in the face that

"this is short? this is not short".

so i took out my phone and passed it to her. i even pressed the button for her. all she had to do was click the image that looked like a camera. she just stood there for so long before coming back and asking

"i dont know how to use you phone".

so i clicked it for her. she said

"stand there. wait"

and she took forever to come back with the phone again

"i dont know how to take the picture"

so she took it. and thats how i knew my skirt was lifted by my bag cause when she took it again without my bag, it was long. LONG. fucking asshole.

so i said i was sorry and asked her what i was supposed to do. i didnt alter my skirt so i cant do anything. she wanted me to lengthen it (which is the same as altering it, which is against the sch rules btw). so i said

"ms phua, im sorry but i dont know what to do"

and she fking said

"dont argue with me or i'll lower your conduct grade"

wtf lah. i apologise to you then you come and say i argue. wts.

and then 2 mins later she came back to me and said

"see, after so long, you still nvr apologise to me"

and i knew i did, so i said

"but i just did"

and she walked away.

i should just pon sch tmr. fking bitch.

at home, i couldnt even tell my mom my entire story. she doesnt even listens to everything before making any judgements. ok, im the kind of girl who doesnt pon sch, lessons or even lectures. have never been caught for breaking any sch rules and most of the time, the teachers' pet. in secondary sch, i could work perfectly fine with the DM. i mean, i can work with like reasonable people and she, was no where near reasonable. hence, to think that im so stressed up that i dont want to even go to sch, dont you feel the anguish im going through??? if you can, can you use like so telepathic sensory thing to signal my mum?

she wants me to go buy a new skirt. like wth? only 2days of sch left and you want me buy a new skirt so that she can see? i mean like why should I be the one who admits my mistake. i wasn't even rude to her. i was being reasonable but she hears nth but her voice. she is the one who caught me wrongly. but she wouldnt admit her mistake. fuck off man. just fuck off my life.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

Move away from me.

Don't ask, just do,

for all the bruises, self-inflicted,

were instigated by you.

Do not get down on your knees

and beg forgiveness once again

and please do not insult me to the floor

screaming and wailing in pain.

No one has to go through agony.

You can leave with your head high.

But, do not patronise me, praise or pretend

that you were truthful for all your lies.

Your word gripping tightly onto my key

as i spotted, in your eye, a tear.

The locksmith approaches, tools and all.

My eye; your eye, a mirror.

i thought it was not possible

but i'm already dead inside.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

"Fuck off my life"

Awry

all results are finally out and i've updated my previous post on that. now, after such a long time, a poem. :)

Awry
I really miss your love

but you said that i was mean;

the bully, the tyrant of your life,

the worst you've ever seen.

I kicked you in the face

and rubbed sea salt on your wounds.

Not only extinguished the fire of your sun

but also destroyed your moon.

I sneered at my own happiness,

making your stomach churn

so you went off again and

I burned.

I looked at the space where you were gone

and wondered how things could've been so wrong.

final results!

Finally, better grades!

BIOLOGY:.......................................CHEMISTRY:

Paper 1: 31/40..................................Paper 1: 20/40

Paper 2: 66/100................................Paper 2: 33/72 (Planning: 6/12)
Paper 3: 50/72 (Planning: 11/12)........Paper 3: 46/80
Overall: 69.8% A...............................Overall: 51.6% D
GP:.................................................MATHEMATICS:
Paper 1: 26/50..................................Paper 1: 71/100
Paper 2: 30/50..................................Paper 2: 74/100
Overall: 56% C..................................Overall: 72.5% A
LITERATURE:
Paper 1: Unseen: 15/25...WH: 17/25.......TIOBE: 15/25
Paper 2: Unseen 13/25...TwinText: 9/25...TG: 14/25
Overall: 55.3% C

partial results

ok i havent been blogging for abit cause i have been sucked in by the ultimate black hole- education. A levels are tantalising near... yea right. its hell near and no where near tantalising. am going to fight fight fight, so posts here may reduce significantly like how you've already seen.

k so now to a more positive note, PRELIMS are over! finally i can relax a little at least. haha. got you. i am NOT relaxed. am receiving results of prelims back. some of which i am pleased, others not so much. am very very anxious about the rest. fingers crossed.

BIOLOGY:
Paper 1: 31/40 :)

Paper 2: 66/100 -.-

Paper 3: 50/72 :) (Planning: 11/12 :))

Overall: 69.3% B -.-

CHEMISTRY:
Paper 1: 20/40 -.-

Paper 2: 33/72 :( (Planning: 6/12 :()

Paper 3: 46/80 :)

Overall: 51.6% D -.-

GP:
Paper 1: ??

Paper 2: 30/50 :)

Overall: ??

LITERATURE:
Paper 1: Unseen: 15/25 :) WH: 17/25 :) TIOBE: 15/25 :)

Paper 2: Unseen 13/25 -.- TwinText: 8/25 :( TG: ??

Overall: ??

MATHEMATICS:
Paper 1: ??

Paper 2: ??

Overall: ??

will update after i finish getting back all my scripts. in the mean time, please enjoy my horrendous results.

DRaaAAaaMA

Drama. Everyone loves to watch it on TV; everyone likes to see it around them; everyone prays for it to never happen to them. Drama. I was watching "Survivor" yesterday after midnight and i realised that i wasn't really rooting for any team. instead, i was anticipating the drama.

before even talking about the team challenge, lets just talk about the members of the teams. of course, the celibate boy who is trying to get his life together has to be on the same team as the mesmerising girl who offered to climb the tree. the two oldest contestants are put into the same team as the youngest few of the game. the buff guy with the dreads in the same team as the law student with the specs. oh and who can forget the most essential outfit- skin. the guys are mostly topless while the girls replace bikinis or clothes with their lace underwear.

obviously, alliances have to be made on the first day when people don't know each others' true colours yet. so its a potential source of drama, ain't it? if you decided to do something that was not a group consensus decision, you're betraying their trust. and people would be half likely to readily trust the other members. and you will definitely face this kind of situation.

the game. whichever team wins means that they have good team spirit and are happy with each other and their performance. great. so producers will say "good for them. now lets break them up with a prize". hidden immunity. sounds wonderful. so if you find the immunity and not tell your team mates, are you betraying them in a way?

losers. they hardly need the producers to break them up. but what's the fun in watching people stare at each other with cold icy eyes if you dont have a part in the process? so there is a need for the tribal council. go on vote someone out. defend yourself while degrading another so that the others would vote for another instead of you. but that's not all. this could be a strengthening experience because everyone come together to vote a single person out. "so let us not send that person home. let's create redemption island" let that person breed hostility in the group.

and there we, as viewers, have it. commercially-induced natural drama! doesn't this just want to make you feel like watching more?

potential combined concert?

I know I shouldn’t be on the computer right now and should be mugging for my prelims instead. But an idea struck me and I thought that I should pen it down least I forget it. I don’t know if it’s one of the side effects of mugging too much but I’m kind of missing BPGHS a lot! So I thought that may be BP could do like a giant concert featuring all the performing arts!

I mean, we have sports day/ aces day every year, so why not a concert for the performing arts? The performing arts CCAs usually have their own individual concerts but by conducting a combined concert, we can allow 2 or more CCAs to showcase an integrated performance (e.g. the Military Band and Choir or the Chinese Orchestra and Chinese Dance). I know it is not as easy to actually conduct it as to just come up with this idea in the shower, but I am sure we should be able to pull it off. I remember that BP once did the “Beauty and the Beast” musical in 2006, so I know we can do it. we can also call up the alumni of the CCAs to perform too!

Everyone can pitch in. The student council could work with the newly created Alumni committee in the organization. The CCA council could work closely with the organizing team and help in the coordination of their CCA groups. Other students can also offer their help. This way, students receive more opportunities for leadership, participation and service (LEAPS certificate). Moreover, the profits gained from the concert could either help to fund the school or go to charity (I’m saying charity because my class just did a CIP project “Child @Heart” for the Singapore’s Children Society and I found it very meaningful).

Just to be clear, I’m not pressing for anything to happen right now. I’m just putting my idea out there and it is certainly in my to-do list after my A levels. I hope that something may happen out of this. *fingers crossed*

potential combined concert?

I know I shouldn’t be on the computer right now and should be mugging for my prelims instead. But an idea struck me and I thought that I should pen it down least I forget it. I don’t know if it’s one of the side effects of mugging too much but I’m kind of missing BPGHS a lot! So I thought that may be BP could do like a giant concert featuring all the performing arts!

I mean, we have sports day/ aces day every year, so why not a concert for the performing arts? The performing arts CCAs usually have their own individual concerts but by conducting a combined concert, we can allow 2 or more CCAs to showcase an integrated performance (e.g. the Military Band and Choir or the Chinese Orchestra and Chinese Dance). I know it is not as easy to actually conduct it as to just come up with this idea in the shower, but I am sure we should be able to pull it off. I remember that BP once did the “Beauty and the Beast” musical in 2006, so I know we can do it. we can also call up the alumni of the CCAs to perform too!

Everyone can pitch in. The student council could work with the newly created Alumni committee in the organization. The CCA council could work closely with the organizing team and help in the coordination of their CCA groups. Other students can also offer their help. This way, students receive more opportunities for leadership, participation and service (LEAPS certificate). Moreover, the profits gained from the concert could either help to fund the school or go to charity (I’m saying charity because my class just did a CIP project “Child @Heart” for the Singapore’s Children Society and I found it very meaningful).

Just to be clear, I’m not pressing for anything to happen right now. I’m just putting my idea out there and it is certainly in my to-do list after my A levels. I hope that something may happen out of this. *fingers crossed*

going off rail

so more and more of my friends are ponning sch or lessons. and i'll be honest, it fustrates me. why cant they suck it up and just go for the freaking lessons. its not like its wasting their time. its kinda like scheduled time-table. the time is for those lessons/sch. i told one of them that its wrong and he came up with a whole load of weird logic saying that it is wrong if you see it from the outer perspective but it is for the greater good and if you see it from the inner view, its right. pooh.

can you just imagine those ppl growing up and finding all sorts of ways to get extra time off their working time in the future? irresponsible. ok i sound like some goody-two-shoes and i dont know why but it does irritate me.

idk. rules are there so just freaking follow it. no point moving your way round it. or rather breaking it and try moving your way round the discipline mistress. i see no point in even trying to go off rail right now.

Connecting stones

havent written for so long. recently (and by recent i mean like within this hour) just had this picture of a stone in my head. ok, may be not a picture cause i cant really see any shape or anything. it was more of a feeling. the word "stone" came in my mind and i felt this incredible emotion. and hence, i decided to write about it. and i was thinking about what could make one have such feelings. i thought that maybe a tombstone of a loved one could make one feel like their heart has gone stone cold, or do the exact opposite of radiating warmth. im not sure if i did convey this cause im like a freaking amateur, but i tried my best and i hope its not too shabby. :)

Connecting Stones
Holding your little stone,
our names engraved with a sharp knife,
brought me back to our childhood life
at the edge of our pond, alone.

You taught me how to
make pebbles skip on water as you say
that you’ll swim like them one day
in an Olympic pool.

I cheered you on fanatically
as you trained hard against the clock
and brought home medals with a ring and a rock
and I nodded frantically.

A honeymoon in the ocean,
teasing, I pushed you down and down and down
until you could no longer make a sound
and ceased motion.

Now you lie underneath me
as I stare at the stone -half mine half yours-
tainted with wild grass but always pure,
it connects we.

Almighty You

Almighty You Have you imagined yourself to be all mighty, ominous and immortal?
Believing that you would use your powers for good and not evil,
you denounce that “There shall be Peace!” No crimes. You’d stop them
aabefore they know it.
No needs. No food. No water. No sleep. No work. Peace is boring.

And so declare that if peace exists not, “there shall be justice!”
You promise punishment for the bad and you held that promise
until one day you realized you were having too much joy
in the reeducation of your unlawful toys.

You snap out of frame and rose from your bed,
leaving all your riches and fame at the back of your head.
‘Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.’
You smile as you think you’ve found meaning.

You rushed for paper to pen down your epiphany
and in doing so, made yourself immortal with total control of your
aawriting.

lazy song~~

ok so i was guilted into writing this. -.- hope you are happy....

he expected me to bitch but not in dah mood. ah-ger-ness is feeling no bad today and is staying marvellous. :) my first lit P1 consultation tmr morning, provided mum/dad free in the morning to fetch me there.. *cross fingers*

me should sleep soon... should but probably wont cause still stuck here.

oh yar, and hopefully the Arnesh will come tmr too. he owes me a real drink.

aint a very long post today cause stomach got no fire/tears to write emo emo stuff. but stomach got acid. alot of acid. and acid is making agnes's bus rides suck ttm cause agnes feel like puking everytime.

but ahs. anyways. ahs. nth. bye :)

appreciate it

"[People] are absolutely careless about sending out [appreciation]. It is very foolish of [them]. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving [appreciation]."
-a truncated quote from Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

it is nice to be appreciated. so here i want to send my appreciation to those who took the time to appreciate me and make me feel special in my own way. :)

growing

familiar feelings make me feel just at home. i wont lie. i blushed and it brought me back to a place i knew at the back of my hand. felt good reminecing. but i know i wont turn back. today he made me know that i've grown.

You'll be fine

You'll be fine
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
You’ve been doing so well so far.”
They were assuring and envious, may be,
As they quietly race to be on par.

“Relax little dearie, you’ll be fine.
You’ll get to where you want to be.”
He was calming and firm and certain,
But only if my goal I can see.

“Don’t stress my darling, you’ll be fine.
You’re sure to work to your aim.”
They were supportive and comforting, always,
Yet may not fully comprehend my pain.

I know I’d be fine. I’ll definitely get there.
I’ll be on my heels, I’ll run.
I’ll take all your advice- goal, plan, work!
It is easier said than done.

certificates

i have stomach fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! and my result slip.

One of them showed:
Biology- B- 83 percentile
Chemistry- S- 21 percentile
General Paper- D- 69 percentile
Literature in English- D- 47 percentile
Mathematics- A- 87 percentile

The other showed:
Lacteol Forte Sachet- 1 sac 2 times a day- for diarrhorea
Dhalumag mixture- take 10mls 3 times a day- for gastric discomfort
Domperidone tablet- take 1 tab 3 times aday- for abdominal distension
Anarex tablet- take 2 tabs 3 times a day- for pain, fever and relax muscle
MC- to certify that Lee Jia Ling is unfit for school for 1 day

MCMCMCMCMC

sick with a fever. sore throat. grrrr... cant feel my limbs, but am feeling every once of pain in my back and neck. hope to get an MC for tmr so that i can mug for chem and bio tests. besides, then i wont have to rush through my GP clinic work. :)

for the sake of my As for my As

ok so these are some incidents that happened today. am writing it here, well, cause this is my blog. and you probably already know it cause the URL has the word blogspot on it. so im kind of stating the obvious here. and if you are so much a smart alec that has like lit genes or something, you'd probably hear from my tone that im not in such a good mood now.

so today at GP lesson, i got back my essay. it is 25/50. i expected better. well, more of i wanted better. i couldn't really expect much cause i wasnt really into writing the essay unlike other times. my cher gave some harsh comments. not a big fan. he questioned my hardworking-ness. he claimes i did not do any research at all. well, DUH! i remembered specifically that he said the assignment during the holidays need not be toooo serious. oh wells, i did do research in the end. so much for putting in effort. tmr there is another timed-prac essay. have to go do research later. -.-

in Bio class, somehow, a political subject was raised. there was a heated argument, between her and... well, only she was talking and talking and talking... shut up bitch. ok, i get the whole harmony-happy-friends thing but im tired of hypocritism. im no longer going to pretend to be nice to her anymore. i am just going to be a downright bitch. actually, shes not really that bad. she just annoys me. i have a low EQ. too bad for her.

there is too much saga happening in my life and i know i cant stop them. i spoke to nan today, suggesting to her about my ultimate plan of being solitary for the sake of my As for my As. ok, unless you are a sad singaporean teenager, you probably do nto understand what i meant. i mean to get A grades for my Alevel examinations in November. then again, im not sure if my plan will work. im not sure, even, if I would work.

due to all these drama amongst me, i believe i'd tried to relieve some of my feelings to some friends. i feel i got closer to some. some i feel weird telling them cause of indifference and some.... well, one of them. its such a weird feeling. its like how he seems to know so much of me. and he makes comparisons and speculates. so supposedly, i should feel close to him. yet, i dont.
maybe it is because of weird feelings in the past. but i think it is mostly that he doesn't open up to me. i know he has been telling lies. i mean, even if you do not want to tell me about something, there is no need to lie.

whatever. i need to start thinking A levels instead of everything else. i just wanna apologise to anyone who has seen this and felt pissed or guilty. ok, im being hypocritical again cause eitherway, i dont really care. back to GP research now...

options

dearie, your mouth spoke truth but your eyes lied. should i believe your heart or your mind? should i be wary or brush what i saw today aside? please do not give me options. i knew you were going to lie, but i still asked you either way because i did not want to choose.

No
Look. Look into my eyes.
Do you see it?
No? Look deeper.
Your answer’s there.

Look through the façade, but
do not destroy it.
It is essential to make
others think that I care.

Can you see it now?
It is crystal clear.
Flooding? They are not mine,
but your tears.

Buck up some courage and
face it. The answer is no.
It was, it is and it will
forever be, no dear.

:(

i feel mean. :(

LISTEN~

Background info: Sarah and I were like thinking of starting a consultation group with Mr. Whitby to improve our grades. And I wanted it small so that our own issues could get addressed. I have no idea how SHE got to know about this and whats more, got included.

And it was like a buy one get many free. Our group just exploded until it was 10 of us. So I said it was going to become a tutorial class size. But when she entered, she kinda dominated everything I I cant get my point across to her in the first place cause she CANNOT listen. So we split and thank god we are in different groups.

So it was 6 of us and 4 of them. The 6 of us settled stuff early and smsed mr whitby. Her group was slower and she held N--- back saying, “don’t you leave me to sms mr whitby alone”. What the shit was that for? Shouldn’t consultation sessions be set up between teachers and the very students themselves? I could see what right she had to butt in our consultation session.

[To everyone] Hey guys! There are EXTRA consultation sessions by Mr Whitby on 1) Thursday 2.30-4.00; N--- is the point of contact for Mr Whitby on that one; if you would like to go for that her no is [number] SMS her! 2) Saturday tentatively 9.00am; if you would like to go for that just sms me.

[Angrily] I called her. but the call didn’t get through.

[To me] Yup, whats up?

[Fuming but controlled] Why are you asking other people to join our consultation session?? We have already settled it ourselves. You can ask ppl to join your session but I don’t think it’s too nice to ask on behalf of us. Some f us are not too happy.

[To me] Agnes, I sent the SMS out only to those in our lit class. N--- and I agreed; if you don't wish it fine I will not.

[Smug] N--- Agreed?? Are you sure??

[To everyone] Hey guys, I apologize for the mistake made. The Thursday session is FULL/CLOSED and some have complained about my actions in inviting people so if there are still those who need consul, please contact me. Again, Thursday is no longer available and is closed.

[To me] I showed her the sms. But I’ve just sent another out. Have a good day.

[Rolling eyes] FYI, it’s not just the both of us. But thank you. Have a great day too.


ps. final CT results: B.S.A.D.D for B.C.M.L.Gp repectively

BADS

everyone's so depressed... i kinda satisfied with my results, apart from chem. Math-A, Bio-B, GP-D. got 2nd in class for these three subjects. Lit is unknown and chem is an S, sadly. hopefully i will do better nxt time. have to work hard.

i see different ways my friends took to cope with their results. some poured tears, some poured other kind of fluids. to me, not that im encouraging the act, but i really cannot be bothered anymore. desensitized is the word. they are the "experts" in the end. as long as they know their limits, come back alive, feel better and can pick themselves up, i really dont care if they go on slicing anything. retards.

Goodnight, my child

Goodnight, my child.
One round, two.
Bubbles. Water.
Swimming.
One round, two.
My lovely three second brain.

Weird white creatures.
Big eyes that blink.
Tails that split.
Weird white creatures.
They experimented on me.

They took me out of water,
Measured my length,
Weighed my mass,
Without letting me catch my breath,
Until I could breathe in dry ‘water’.

They fed me GoodFoodAnd I turned purple.
They injected me with some fluid
And I returned back to normal
With an extra hand with toes.

They operated on me
And altered my neurons.
Global warming is currently an issue.
Everyone needs to do their part to make a change.
What am I doing in all these H2O?

When my parents went back home and the lights were off,
I stared at a blank wall as hard as I could with my lidless eyes
Counting out loud one two three, one two three, one two three,
One two three, one two three, one two three, one two three, one two three.
“Is my nightmare over?”

that little voice

recently i kept having that little voice in my head, telling me negative stuff like how i should drop my chem to H1 cause i suck at it. grrr... im afraid that one day it may grow too strong and i would just be too weak to resist.

That little voice
You need to move out now.
I’m sorry for the late notice.
I’ll remember the good times we had,
and the bad times will be chucked aside.
But you need to move out now.

There is no point in crying
or asking for the reasons.
There isn’t any other choice.
So please turn around, do us a favour
and get away from me.

You need to move out immediately.
Your stuff will be mailed to you.
We’ve know each other for so long,
you are practically me.
We wear the same clothes everyday.
We look perfectly identical.
I’ve always listened to your preaching-
You need to move out now.

Please promise to get somewhere safe,
preferably far away.
You need to move out now, so
please close the door on the way out
of my life.

My Teacher's Pen

yesterday i cut my leggg. my foot actually. its not really a big cut but it still hurts. yea.. so cutting legs sucks. but having friends, who offered to bend down and help me nurse it, is bliss. so thank you hanjun and bryan! i hope the cut doesnt leave a scar...

k so yesterday was funn. cause i spent the day with friends at bryan's house, doing homework. today, didnt go as well... today we got back our chem paper 1 question paper. i wrote down the answers so i could calculate my total marks. i got 8 out of 20. one more mark to a pass. this sucks. hopefully i can pass my chem overall. i knew it wasnt very hard. i guessed i didnt put in as much effort as i could. this is the first time i've felt regret after a test/ exams. i hope i could at least get an E. crossing my fingers.

tmr i'll get back my some of my lit papers back. my cher has already announced the mark range of the entire cohort for the first essay. 6-17 out of 30 marks. he said the bulk had 7/8 marks. i hope i recieved a double digit. i want to excel. please let me excel. im pleading.

My Teacher's Pen
It sailed across her cheek.
A massive cruise throbbed with the waves
in the sea of flush; blush and the rush
of adrenaline set her ablaze.

Firemen came, leaving trailes of red.
Tears to the rescue! Put out the heat.
Smoke fogged up the sight; light and the tight
muscles caused wrinkles. Iron them neat.

She withers away from reality,
entrapped herself in lines of art;
in a new world driven by wind; gin and the sin
took over the power of her heart.

Seeing Her Future

omg. this poem that im going to post may sound disturbing to you. maybe cause it is about sexual abuse. or maybe its because i wrote it when i was shitting the the toilet. once again, i cant believe im proclaiming this to the entire world!

i was on the way to poo when i saw my brother's project on crimes. and he had complied a range of poems that were about crimes. so i got inspired and wrote one on the go. so yea.

Seeing Her Future
It was a party in that room.
The male guests never stopped coming
There were females too:
One bound to the bed, frightened,
Another at a corner.

The guys prowled, dirtied the sheets
And protected her like how her clothes did.
They came in large packs.
She fought hard, the bed screamed.
The other at a corner- sitting.

The last guest arrived and the party ceased.
He scoured the room. He was hungry.
She was a greasy smoked chicken, well-done.
Smiling, an appetite was worked up.
The other at a corner- sitting and watching.

They left the party house
With their tails between their legs.
He had fun, she had trauma, she struggled
He finished the job.
The other at a corner- sitting, watching and next
In line.

one pink flower bandaid

people say that women forgive but dont forget. i dont like over generalisations, so i shall say that i forgive but dont forget. omg, this sounds so familial now that im typing it. maybe i've written this agnes's quote before? but anyways, as well as you treat me now, as well as i am treating you now, the awkwardness outwards is gone, but my heart still tells me to be wary cause one pink flower bandaid aint gonna cut it.

Burying is hard

Burying is hard
i felt so cold from within when the temperature was 30 degrees outside.

felt so empty in a crowded room, there wasn't you in sight.

i saw passed you, i was tra-nspa-rent, a fragment of my ima gin ati on.

i opened my mou-th to make a noise, halted by hes tit at ion.

there you were, moving on, i thought i did so too.

it was a colouful day, a vibrant one, but now its turning blue.

i drifted off into the world of electronics, while you were entrapped in another.

where was the earth, the land, the air, my friend, my buddy, my brother?

i could see your shape and you could see mine but substance was my doubt.

the frown carefully kept by a giggle, a smile, a pout.

i forced it down deep deep deep, the unknown tension has to cease cease cease.

i am on my knees begging myself to bury the hatchet please please please.

performing for MOE ministers

havent blogged in quite a while. was busy with CTs and choir. performed yesterday. was sooo tired today that i feel asleep from 2++ to 7++ pm. before yesterday were all practices to learn 2 new songs in time.

i realised a very interesting thing. my choir cher did not allow me to wear my shorts with the NJ formal house tee in orchard. she didnt allow anyone to do so. she was kinda like you wear sch uniform or you wear home clothing. but of course no one wore home clothes as we met up in sch. so everyone, except those who wore sch u, were running away from her. and the unlucky few, were so unfortunate to be caught by her. she told me to put a jacket on. i dint have one, so i borrowed. but outside was like freaking hot. and i wasnt going the way my friend did, so i returned the jacket.

so she confronted me the very next day cause i was even more suay than everyone else. she saw me on the streets without the jacket. but come on! i was on the way home le! and besides aint what i was wearing like suitable for going out? i do that all the time, everyone does that! if that wasnt allowed, then students should not spend all that money on buying sch shirts cause they can only wear them to sch and after their sch term, they cannot be worn! her logic is warped.

but anyway, i explained to her, saying that my friend and i were going in different directions and she looked at me as if i was just craping some reason to patronise her. Whatever.....

kk, besides trivial stuff like that, i managed to speak to a few ministers yesterday, which was nice. they asked a few questions that kinda made me go "okay....." like when one of them asked me if we were going to sing our favourite songs, i replied, "no, we will be singing the power of the dream and auld lang syne" then she went "so they are not your favourite songs? haha" yeap.... stuff like that. i tried to turn it into some joke by saying "it can be. :)"

am excited that i can fully enjoy my holiday now, but am also worried about the fact that one week has passed. need to start studying soon or i'll do badly in my CTs after the exams. i should sleep early today cause tmr i have my singing lessons. but, i only just woke up at 7++, so am techniquely not sleepy at all now. hope i can survive tmr. *fingers crossed*

i don't understand

i burned. i sweat. i screamed. i threw. i hurt. i shook. i don't understand.

but even now, i need to bash something up. cause the adrenaline rush has made me hungry for blood.

the guy who begged me not to put his name down..

someone wrote me a poem today (YAY!) cause i made him do it. Hahas. Am quite impressed myself that he could finish it within the time limit of 15mins. Poem:

Too many shadows in my room.
Too many hours in this midnight.
Too many corners in my mind.
So much to do to set my heart right.
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready.
Oh but if I take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.

hints of emo-ism i guess. with array (pun intended) of hope. :)

ok so this asshole didnt come up with this poem himself.-.- he got it elsewhere. *roll eyes*. although he probably cant tell, cause y'know, mua is lit student, but this actually reflect what he was telling me about his life. about studying and exams.

note to self: He likes mums, kids and bosses but dogs are a no-mention.

Gems

Gems
You see them across the playroom.
Tiny fat lumps playing with round balls,
Innocence shone through their eyes like diamonds.
Grotesque.
You see them across the classroom.
Pearls sprouting on their faces- a fashion statement.
Gel coated heads reflected light.
Magical.

You see him across the living room.
That gold plated neck now yours.
You steel knife harvested his inner ruby.
His headlights off.
Your appetite finally satisfied.
Smile.

I need a blender

and they all lived happily ever after... just that they are all living sperately.

everyone loves a happy ending. and i think i got mine as i close one chapter. the chapter that has practically consumed me. and now, i feel lost. should i be happy? or sad? confusion. but i know one thing. i am supposed to start working hard in my studies, which is not happening.

did my toenails today. i dont even know why i did it for. probably cause i was bored. but of what? i wasnt even doing anything today. despite the huge pile of homework i placed on my study table.

yesterday i talked via msn. it has been a long time since i chatted on msn. and as i described my life to the other party, i found out how extremely boring i was. a full fledge MUGGER. i need a life. my life. not the life of another, cause well, my studies cannot afford it. this doesnt really suck. but it is sian.

was chatting to forester. cool name. cute photos. ^^ he's nice. very sociable. he reminds me of what i was. the part of me i've lost. i was always the loud out-going one. attention seeking. but you change when you make friends who are luder and more out-going. you slip into quietness.

i wish this year could just zoom pass cause i dont think i can take it anymore. im feeling some sort of stress, but not enough to actually make me feel absolutely afraid. im like stuck in the middle like an apple slice in snow white's throat. i need to start working hard. and also getting a life. but i dont see how these polarities can have a good blend.

I need a blender
yes yes! put everything in.
a good mix of life is the perfect drink.
a dash of spice and a whole load of brains
and those little pills to take away the pain.
dew drop tears and volcanic lava,
prom night desses with crystal tiaras.
flowers with mud, bushes with torns,
angels with halos, and movie popcorn.
throw my friends in and family too,
my bed, my pets and even my school.
turn on a switch and get me a glass
and call 911 just in case i pass.

ouch

i swear, there must be a metal pole of something sitting on the right side of my spine in my body..

SYF 2011

SYF 2011
You look ahead and see your mother.
Daddy is holding onto your waist,
Clutching it as if he meant to choke you.
Uncomfortable feeling. You shake to break loose.

You inch your way forward, alone.
You fear of falling down. You raise
Your arms for balance. Eyes focused on mama.
You inch your way forward, alone.

You hear the encouragements slowly die down.
People gossip behind you, putting you down,
Talking about how slow you are.
Your siblings are afraid you bring down the family name.

You persevered and fought on.
Tears dripped and music came out from your mouth.
And when you reach out for mummy,
Your aunt picks you up and everyone cheers.


mummy-GWH
aunt-Gold
daddy-scoldings??
siblings-teachers
family name- obviously the school

need to be alone

had the most perfect day to study. sch ended early, have no cca today. but i turned on the television watched. and now im here, cause i refuse to study now. i refuse. a much deserved rest, from cramming all the notes and dynamics and words and fomulas. so today, im not working anymore.

i realised recently that whenever my friends apologise for being "harsh" with their words aint really "harsh" for me. guess they have not known what i've been through- a prolonged boot camp. i cant stand inspirational speeches or pep talking anymore. cause the overwhelming sight, or in this case, hearing of it is having the complete opposite effect on me...

i see my self spacing out when im with my friends sometimes. more so these few days. i need to be alone.

Visiting guilt

Today dint really do much. Was relaxing and rejuvenating. In essence, a much needed holiday. :)

Yesterday, on the other hand was bad. Not as in the day sucked but bad inside. I did two things I knew I shouldn't. White lie. Betrayal. One was an easy decision, the other was stressful. Although I knew exactly that both were wrong, I found it hard to feel the assumed guilt.

Visiting guilt
I tucked you in. And on Thursday night,
When I come by, I will kiss you by the cheek.
You will take my coat and we will sit for tea.
I eat the cake you serve and feel it nourish every part of me.

We will chat about my old times.
Awkwardness whirls round the room
Like the rush I got when I was an adolescent.
A cup of coffee will get rid of it. A cup of coffee always does.

“Two cubes please.” It masks the bitterness.
I wipe the last few drops off my lips
And before you could converse,
I will stand up, check my hair and be ready to bid you farewell.

Then, you will kiss me by the cheek,
Sending shivers down my spine.
I will pick up my coat,
Once again forgetting to whisper, in your ear, “I’m sorry.”

:)

i love her but... im starting to get annoyed. she's loud. TOO LOUD! for my preference, and maybe others too. dont want to tell her least she gets all drama again. i remember the last time someone told her to tone it down. i said even if she wanted to change, she should still be her. and with a twist of some words, she thanked the person who told her to tone it down and made me feel like the bad guy. im not going down that road again.

well, besides bitching and failing napfa for the 3rd time, today was surprisingly peaceful and productive. i need more of todays.

ps. bensee's posts are getting innovative, i think. or he might just be going the other way round. owell, you can never go wrong with a DIO quote. and yea, it sucks to be you, and me, and everyone else in this world, so man up! i should woman up too. >.< i especially like the post where you wrote absolutely nothing and titled it "the train of thought was lost again". personallu, your coolest post yet

dreams

the water works are appearing again, more often than i thought it would, yet less often than i hoped it would. life's tumbling downhill again, as usual, since i am still trapped in choir. i see how the escape party happily while enduring the consequences. i want to run away cause the wall i built up is rapidly degrading. i can feel arrows sinking deep into my flesh. random arrows. and i pray that none will be fatal. i see my comrades standing by my side weeping, sharing the exact same predicament as me. i console them and my tears hides. laying my head next to the free ones, the salty cowards leak out like an abandoned dam.

if there were a pyramid that denotes hierachy, where would i be? i see the masses revolting, succedding. i feel the upper classes oppressing, succedding. and i feel myself suffocating, failing, dying. im trying to stand up again but the two forces are too great. collective.. maybe we can do it collectively. but i feel so alone.

i wish one day i will not be afraid anymore. i wish i had the courage to look at her in the face. i do not want bombastic words. i do not want fancy languages. just 2 simple words would do. "you suck". that would do. that would be what i would do. that would be what i would do in my dreams, now, later, and then. but in reality? i know it will never come out. cause i am scared.

she puts out the fire in me and makes me feel like crap. singing. they both teach me singing. so why the vast difference in methods? one makes me feel like i could conquer the world with my voice. the other shuts me down, takes away the microphone and shines the spotlight on the others.

i love the stage. i want to stand on it, yet i feel so bad that i have to depend on you to stand on "your" stage. i do not need you to stand on a stage. i have other means. in fact, i think i stood on a stage more times than you ever did. but i still love the stage. and with any time i could do that, i would not throw away that chance. so dont take it away from me. cause if you did, i swear, i may just throw a punch in your face, when i lie my head on my pillow.

manikin

Felt almost terrible today. I do not understand why I even bother to put up a façade. It was as if I had to. Though, feeling like crap inside, I just had to put up a front for the others. It was a fucked up day. Yesterday was worse. It seemed like everything was to crash and fall and crumble on me like the ongoing earthquake. But thankfully it wasn’t. Everything crashed, fell and crumbled on me step by step. To be honest and frank, some even made me feel relieved.

I could hear the soft whispering. Yea, like I couldn’t hear what you were trying to say when you were right in front of me. I could see, from the corner of my eye, the disapproving nods. Stuck up asshole. And of course, other people had to do so well, putting on more pressure on pressure. My heart beats faster, whilst another stops. Tears, welled up in my eye sockets, never got to see the light. I need a break. From everything. From life.

Words from teachers, senior and peers. Evil words strangle me and I feel choked. I need someone to hug and cry on. Available shoulders are no longer in stock. The mall is closed and I am the only one trapped behind that glass door. All in a day of a manikin.

im here

should i press on? things are getting too stressful too soon. and if i do not make it tmr, i dont think the spotlight will ever find me again, even when i stand on centre stage. im so tempted to quit, but too afraid to. i find myself in the same position as i was before. yet till now, i cannot find the will or solution.

My eyes saw your tears

My eyes saw your tears
I think I may have said too much.
My lips spat, crimson red dripped from his arm.
As though miming in a glass box,
His silent cries resonated in my head
Tear by tear by tear by… I fell down.
Guys. Hard, but fragile;
Armored, but not impermeable;
Resolute, but huMAN.
May be it was the unreachable badge,
Or the key at hand.
But I felt my tongue slice through you.

taking a stroll

i encounted a very interesting conversation yesterday. and i found out how mentally strong or weak i was, comparatively. all these choir talk have been spiralling my mind like some flushing toilet bowl.

complaining, to the strong, was nothing but being feeble. yet, to be able to throw away the redundant was equivalent to an organised secretary. and a good secretary is essential for success.

on a learning journey now. that's how i see it. the road ahead seems really really far. but i look back and see the stretch behind. how do i know im getting better? cause if i was me in the past, i would have never admitted that there was the stretch ahead.

how should i push?

ok, i got to go shower and then get ready for chem tuition really soon, so im gonna keep this SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT.

yesterday had choir again. and it was like usual practices. like last year, when we were gearing up for the cork competition. but im different now. i've grown i think. at least that was what my friend told me. but this had nothign to do with choir. yet again, im seeing my juniors, asking the same questions i was asking myself last year. i've answered those questions already, at least most of them. wish i could help, but until they find their own answers, they wont actually feel it.

i think i really really understand how singing is like now. i mean really singing. to immerse yourself into the song and creating cords and whatsoever. so at least that's point for agnes >.<

ok, im digressing. today i want to talk about preaching. scoldings are like pushing someone with your feet, aka, trampling. and if theat person could see herself as a spring, she'll bounce back even higher. but preaching. preaching is weird. i guess i used to like to preach, in a way, i think. maybe i still do. but the thing is that to preach is in directly making yourself feel better. because you'll feel some kind of non-existing power within you. and people who listens to it will feel demoralised . at least some will cause they really did try.

i've always been a leader. at least a leader figure. in the sense that i had titles. i've always been since primary school. every year of my academic life (which almost is all my life cause im not that old and am still schooling) i have been a leader, except this year. not being a leader allowed me to feel what i have not experienced before. and i saw everything i did wrong before. i picture an ideal leader now and im aiming to achieve that, even though im not one now.

but the most important thing i've noticed is that it is uber important to encourage. encouragement, praises and "thank you"s. they work wonders. im not saying that occasional preaching and scoldings are bad, but encouragement should still be the fundamental. people should keep that in mind... and never give up.

ok chem tuition. rushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

to save our kind

I finally thought of the word to describe her- DEHUMANIZING

The manipulative mind of hers, obvious to all. Can you imagine the fear she induces by showing blatantly that mind. My only escape was in my skull. Thousands of electrical impulses, for those moments when my eyes seem glued to hers, directed straight in the bridge of her nose. Yet, just a millimeter away, fear pulls them all back. I feel electrocuted.

She addresses everyone. But, from the subtleness of her words, I could feel the phrases pierce me. Bias. It was so evident that even if you have absolutely no neurons, your hair would stand on its ends. If the girls did well, there would hardly be praises. Girls had to be good, for the guys to follow. Guys were okay, guys do their best, and girls don’t. If girls tried their best and were still bad, girls were just lousy and stupid. Skits were taboo. She never wore skirts. In her defense, sometimes she wasn’t in a biased mood. Those times, everyone was lousy and stupid.

She unleashes her true self only after she has the young ones in the palms of her hands, like a Venus fly trap. Every phloem and xylem dilated on Friday and in a quick snap, they were caught. All 32 of them. I tried to be the mediator. No, I was actually just a tape recorder, repeating what the past suffers said. I was sure I hardly meant the noises I made. I wondered if the past were recorders too. Maybe I’ve created a few new DVDs for the following generation. However, I know, what I unspool onto those white screens are necessary for the survival of our kind.

Caged

am in the mood to be a total bitch today. have you ever had like this gush of feelings that dont go away until you find a place for them to leak out of you? yeap i had that, hence im here now.

wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.

im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.

today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.

ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-

oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.

i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!

I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.

tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.

im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.

Caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.

I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.

I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.

I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.

In hot soup

In hot soup
I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.

Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.

Will I ever get there

Will I ever get there
am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.

i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat

13.49min!!!!

but gonna post something so that my blog doesnt die or herbinate at least. life's getting boring. not breathless cause i cant find the motivation yet to push myself. A level results were released today. felt tingly for the moment but lost it soon.

2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)

have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)

We Rock! We Love! We 27!

We Rock! We Love! We 27!
Once upon a time,
There was, in NJ, OG27.
It had awesome OGLs-
Agnes, Rachel, Edward, Darren!

Of course, 4 wasn’t enough,
Needed orientees,
Especially those with super cool names
Like Maria Grazia Lee!

But Maria then felt lonely
And needed friends to play,
So she went to find Xinyao
Who gladly said, “OK!”

Then Swee Hwa came along
Bringing friends of four-
Samuel, Hui Jun, Malcolm
Not forgetting Vanisha Kishore!

So all of them had fun together
Until they heard 2 voices singing.
Looked around, searched high and low,
Only to find Kang Jie and Cara Li Yi Ting!

Now 8 girls here with 5 boys there
The OG’s growing strong!
But the more the merrier, come on in
The cheerful Priscilla Khong!

They played games that were fun TTM-
Watermelon, double wacko.
So thick skin they were, included themselves
Were Hong Yi, Yee Cheng and Derek Goh.

Hey, bear with me, the poem’s ending,
How impatient you guys are!
I won’t compromise writing about
The cute bubbly Nadiah!

Then suddenly, oh gasp shock horror!
A figure appeared out of the blue.
Is it an alien? A monster with claws?
No it’s worse! It’s Lim Han Chun!

“Never fear! Kevin is here!”
As he restrained Han Chun with a hug.
But Kangxin saw it, got really jealous
Cause HC broke his heart.

So what to do? A love triangle!
What a mess this is!
So little cupid, Yuan Yijia,
Solved it with a kiss!
(On whom? I let you guys decide.)

Then everyone became crazy
And started loving each other.
But it was ok, I think, I guess
Cause they all lived happily ever after!

Preying

Preying
i could feel the heat behind me shooting down
as my bald head reflected light like the stars.
my eyes as sharp as my beak scoured
as i hovered above what was once alive.
stubbornly refusing to remove myself,
i smiled when i saw, from the corner,
new meat

swimming in oil and greasy goodness

today had SH orientation in school. ok, it started on thurs but the 2days werent that fun so today felt like the first day. had station games. that was fun. :) tomorrow there's showdown. looking forward to it, but dreading the wash up. dont want to smell like dead fish again.

talking about fish, i really should exert some self-control and stop eating LJS fish combo every other day. growing fatter... k am tired... shall go rest now. ciao!

For you, me and another

For you, me and another
It’s funny how I say I’m immune
When my heart beats out of fear
And my mind goes completely bonkers
When you step any feet near.
I can feel my legs shaking
And my hairs standing on ends
But yet "none, no feelings for you"
Even I can't comprehend.

Speechless, when staring in your eyes
So I try to look away.
Cause I know if they stayed glued onto,
An arrow of terror will shoot into me and a dagger
Not far, in another's heart, lay.

I'm cool

I'm cool
sometimes i feel you make me crazy,
clouding my mind, fogging, hazy.
you turn the corner, but my eyes follow you
then i turn away, just to seem cool.

you aint suppose to be here, at least not right now
for the wrong reasons, my heart always pounds.
im acting! to show you that im better off,
yet you dont pay any more attention than a child to a moth.

kazoom! away! you shall disappear!
i'll try spells, witchcraft, anything! to diminish this fear.
i want you gone, distant from me, somewhere far away
and i dont ever want to find you again any other day.

you're not important, i dont need you. go away from me
i am happy. im living well. oh, cant you see?
you turn the corner, but still my eyes follow you
then i turn away, just to make me seem cool.

2011

2011
it's 2011 already,
so i thought i'd pen down some words.
damn, it's A level year. it's time to study;
time to start acting like a nerd.

a new year, a new begining
forget about the past
got to think ahead, embrace the present
cause time flies really fast

don't know how i'm so grown up now
when i'm still a small kid inside
problems to face, more stress to take
need my blankie to hide

no no no. i wont escape
running away wont help
going to unleash my strength, my burning passions
yes, the difficulties, you shall melt

ok, let, not get a head of ourselves
and forget about reality
but, seriously, not kidding at all
i will triumph this time, i've got a feeling