Harbin

Day 1
I can't believe how freaking cold it is! You smoke without a cigarette, glass become opaque in the day and people are wrapped in more layers than rice dumplings. Guess what? It's not even the coldest yet! Day 2 and 3 are estimated to be the worst torture that we have bestowed upon ourselves but I pray to just survive today!

What was I thinking, coming to a place like this? Well, despite having to endure the negative degree Celsius weather, the place does show off its beauty to the fullest. Snow, a rarity in Singapore, is everywhere. The whole place coated by tiny frozen water droplets. It is breathtaking. Of course, I'd be able to soak in its glamour much better if we had better protective gear so we went to buy them at a "convenient" store. Yea. That HELPS.

Food! China's food is not bad and they have rocking xiao long bao. But airplane food.... Well, the fact that it is called "airplane food" speaks for itself.

Anyway,talking about painstakingly enduring the cold, my family had to also endure the pain in the ass that is the Shanghai customs. Apparently, the customs required us to pick up our baggage and check them in again during transit at shanghai although the label shows that they would be directly transferred to harbin. Owells, our luggage got flown over and touched down at about 11+pm (sky was pitch dark at 5pm). May tomorrow be of less hassle, less cold and more fun.

Oh, I got to admit, I miss him a lil bit. :)


Day 2
We are on our way to stay at a home in a village where the scenery is said to be awesome. The scenery on the road is quite breathtaking. Conifer trees and bare trees dot the sidewalks with snow as a constant solid background. It's too bad that the glass is frosted so bad that you just see white and brown blurs. You can only witness this beauty through the front windshield that is heated to prevent the frosty phenomenon.

Omg. We went horse sleigh riding and it. was. fun! The horses were hairy gigantic beasts that were more muscular than any guy I've seen face to face. We set mini fireworks off and it was almost a complete success if nothing did hit my face -.- We also went snow sliding. It's kinda like what we have in snow city but so much more fun. I had a blast.

Snow along the road was shin deep. You think you'll be fine stepping on it, only to find out that you fallen into its cheeky trap. You lose your balance and seek refuge with your other feet. The snow mocks you as you once again fall for the very same trick.

It is part of the experience we paid for to get "robbed" and see how robbers used to live in holes in the snow. I was fortunate enough to be the chosen one, amongst the vast number of people, to be pulled off and held hostage with a knife at the back of my neck. And how much more luck can you get to be the chosen one twice? I whined during the second time and the "robber" laughed before letting me go.

The whole place was like Narnia before the siblings came but with a joyous atmosphere. It was as if a authoritarian mine took over and dictated for all things to be white and brown. You see colour only when you look into the frozen pond, which is surrounded with more snow. It is interesting to see how different the result is when tiny water droplets freeze together and when tiny frozen water droplets clump together.

As we approached our destination at the top of the mountain, the severity of frost was evident. Fog formed from my breath was freezing up on my glasses. It was almost impossible to see where I was going. Snow was almost as tall as I was. Just as I thought we were never going to find an oasis of heat, we reached our destination. The people were lovely and they taught me how to make dumplings from scratch. Awesome. Maybe I'll make some for him next time...haha...if I succeed.


Day 3
Note to self: sleeping on a hardwood bed is not a fun experience.

I woke up with a aching pain in my back and probably slightly swollen eyes from the lack of sleep. The temperature is about 28-30 degrees below zero but it felt warmer than yesterday. This is probably because I am slowly getting accustomed to the weather. After washing up with icy cold water, we head out to play in the snow.

The snow was more than waist deep and a funny sight to watch one try to get up after falling in. We rolled around in it, throw snow whatever-shapes at each other and took photos like our lives depended on it. My glasses frosted so bad, I ditched them. My eyelashes were dotted with ice droplets from my breath. I have become one with the snow.

Yea, of course that is only my own thoughts. The weather thought differently and brought upon wind. Wind is a terrifying element that shows as much mercy as a tornado does to a herd of unsuspecting cows.

We spent the rest of the day traveling towards Chang bai shan. Omg. It was a literal pain in the butt. I slept through all that I can and was left with counting the minutes on the bus. Today is officially the longest one yet.

After 10 hours of a grueling ride, we finally reached out hotel. The comfortability of the rooms makes it so worth it. The toilet was just plain bliss.


Day 4
It snowed!!! Omg you have no idea how excited we were. It was awesome. Snowflakes brought me into a korean drama and I found myself sticking my tongue out to taste nature.

We ventured to the top of the mountains as the snow grew heavier. In case you are wondering, snow does come down as huge white balls. The tiny almost-microscopic flakes flies everywhere like a lost bumble bee till it finds the best flower to reside on. Wind grew stronger and snowflakes quickly became bullet pellets that I fear.

It was crazy at the top. The wind was merciless to the point that I felt like a human kite on a string. You were blown to whichever direction the wind permits and you lose most control of your feet. It wasn't long till I found myself on all fours.

After a horrible experience of being "pushed around", we went on to look at the waterfall. If you think watching free flow of water pouting down from a great height is flabbergasting, just imagine the stretch of water frozen stiff. Yet, water underneath is still pouring so you see this magnificent ice sculpture with the trickle of water sounds.

After enjoying the weather, we went for some hot stuff- BBQ Lunch. It was fun and awesome. The one downside I'd say is that most of the food was spicy and I ended lunch with a very very sore mouth. When lunch ended, we pretty much had nothing on anymore so we went shopping and that's about it.


Day 5
Skiing! We went skiing today and it was awesome for those who actually have a flair for the sport. I had nothing more than a tiny speck of natural talent. I skied, tumbled, rolled, fell and enjoyed making all sorts of shapes with the snow. Hahaha. My butt hurts even now and I thrashed my sunglasses. Thank god I chose to wear my contacts rather than specs today. Skiing. Is. Tiring.

After trying to use the hand and leg muscles that I do not possess, we went for a treat at the spa. It was so awesome. Awesome awesome awesome. For the first time, we are experiencing heat here. It was fun as we played games to get ppl to go into the cold pool haha. It's funny to see others squirm.

I texted him yesterday night and it felt good ^^ awww...


Day 6
Today we did a little exploring at the Chao Xian Zu's place. Their customs are very similar to the Koreans even though they are from china.

After which we went to Wu song dao for another night on a charcoal bed. Food there was good and their fish was great. To think the fish was from the same river as the diner that we went to a few days back. The only difference was the fish at the diner were 5 times bigger and definitely much more expensive.

It seems as though we were cursed. We went to Xue Xiang at its coldest, we went to Chang Bai Shan when the wind was at its peak and now we are at Wu Song Dao on the coldest day it has ever experienced. I do hope charcoal is enough to keep us warm. The good news is that there is wifi and I found myself whatsapping away with him.

It was an eventful night as I saw my glass fill up time and again with wine and beer. We chatted through the evening till we had to shut up because the owners had to sleep.


Day 7
The charcoal was nowhere enough and we woke up with a lousy start as the water taps stopped working. My deduction is that the water probably froze inside. We ended up having to scramble for any water we have with us to wash up.

It was too early to wake up. I couldn't believe that I was waking up at times earlier than when I had to for school. But the scenery was magnificent. The trees were white with ice and snow. This is a sight you don't see when the sun starts to rise.

We took a boat to sail across the river. The icy cold river. You could see the boat breaking through the ice leaving chunks of white rocks floating in the midst of the transparent waters. At the snow covered island, it was tiring to even walk on as snow was shin deep. It was a pain to raise and step and raise and step. A good morning work out that I didn't sign up for. It was just an awesome view to see the sun rise there. Just awesome.

When we got back, our feet were freezing and our hands were numb but our complains soon faded as we saw a monk come in. He had stepped into the water and the water froze. It had to be extremely hard to struggle back to the home motel. Without proper gear, he had caused his limbs bad protection from the cold. Everyone was busy rubbing snow on his hands and feet to save them. If they cannot be saved, he was facing amputation. His limbs were white. Totally white with no signs of blood flow. His skin was peeling and it just looked painful. Fear coated his face as he thought about any unpleasant outcomes.

I looked back and realised that I played with the water as well. Itchy legs decided to test the ice and it went click click click squish. That was when I went shit... Thankfully, no water seeped in and my feet are perfectly fine if not feeling the minus 30 deg cold.

As we exchanged final goodbyes on whatsapp, I left for Harbin once again. It is said that this time, Harbin is even colder than places we've been to. I hope I can make through this merciless winter.


Day 8
So you would think that we wouldn't dare go near waters anymore after yesterday's incident. Well, we went to have fun not by, but on, the Wu Song river today. It was frozen stiff and you could see ships parked right beside where you were playing.

There was a gigantic ice slide, some weird sitting-down dragon-ski, top whipping on ice and winter swimming. Omg, you should have seen those guys in their swimsuits jumping into the water that was simultaneously freezing up into ice. It was a nice miniature themed park.

After the enjoying ourselves at this miniature themed park, we went on to play at the ice castle. It was beyond magnificent. The whole place was carved with ice. You slide on ice. You drive on ice. You climb on ice. You walk to ice.

You may think that ice itself is enough to create this dreamy vision of the place. Now imagine light in those ice. Imagine coloured lights that gave the whole place life and vigor. Awesome awesome awesome view.


Day 9 & 10
Shopping all day!


Day 11
Time to get back to Singapore. I'm filled with mixed feelings. Two days ago, I was missing playing at the beach. Now, I don't even know if I can survive under the air condition there.

It is cold traveling to the airport at 4+am in the morning. We tried to put on lesser clothing on so as to attempt to survive the first heat wave at Changi. It is a sleepy nolstalgic morning.

you...

You go into a relationship pretty quick. You were lonely. Are you lonely now? You told me you weren’t. Could it be sub conscious? How special am I actually? I feel like a number in a queue sometimes. I feel the need to pull out- out of your arms. I got to be special. Your impulsive acts scare me. I know you’re dedicated. But am I just an impulsive decision? Would this fade away? I wonder how much I feel for you too. Is it just a tingle? You feel like a great friend. Could this open up doors to more? I can’t see it. I really don’t. Maybe you and your numerous experiences aren’t the problem. Maybe it lies with me. Maybe I am lonely. Maybe you are a number in a queue. I don’t want you to be. What I feel for you… it comes and goes, I feel. I don’t know why. I’m not trying to play with you, like how I’ve done to others before. I am trying very very hard to feel something more. I am. Trying. Really hard. Maybe it shouldn’t be so hard. But I want to give it a shot. I don’t want to walk away not knowing if we could have worked. But I don’t want to walk away later, breaking your heart, telling you that it’s not going to work either.

Foreign

It has been way too long since I drafted so I thought I'd try one today. I wanted to make this a little ambiguous as to what the "foreign" item was, so I made use a lot of references to a child although I wanted to convey the message of the heart as a uncertain entity.

Foreign

It's squirming in my tummy.

Revolting little brat!

I clobber it with fists of fury

to remove the regret.

The constant reminder of his face

resides deep inside.

It sickens me that his residue, his waste

is filling me tight.

What was I thinking?

My brain clearly on a break

and it took over with speed of lightning,

laughing at my sake.

A moment of carelessness, that

was it.

Our eyes, we met.

Church bells ring.

I punched it hard. Get out!

Get out!

The promises I vowed,

now doubt

but it’s all too late.

Its life; my life.

No time to wait.

I dive.

Like quicksand, it consumes me whole.

It screams in my ears; louder as it grows.

It clouds my head with unique frequencies.

Never such a phenomenon. What trickery is this?

If only I knew how to stop the love.

Tired of squeezing the stress ball

Oh dear bloggie, how could i have forgotten about you? You were always there when I needed to vent my emotions. You were there when I forgot to keep you updated. And yet, you are still here when I need you once again. You are constant; never changing, just the way I love it.

I feel like im going bonkers and may have developed a slight addiction for bubble tea. I have been pushing really hard. I swear I am. Balancing school work with more school work. It's tough. I regret ever saying that uni was slack. It was nonsense. Thanks for putting me straight, Karma.

Projects are pilling up like I've never seen before. I don't even dare pen them down, in fear of seeing a mass of blue that reflects the amount of work yet to be done. I haven't been doing as well as I hoped so projects and the end of year exams are crucial. That's why Im pushing for the projects to be done early. I dont want to be fretting over them when the exams draw near. I'm pushing and pushing. Ironically, the one that is due the soonest is the one least done.

I doubt the bubble tea is calming me down. I don't know if the slight (if any) caffeine is what I am relying on the keep awake during the wee hours of the night. I'm getting kind of irritated with some of my groupmates. I don't know if its the crankiness talking or if i'm over thinking their responses.Others? They are awesome. Shit ass. This sucks.

I have so much pent up energy but I am so tired at the same time. I need to draft, even a short poem will probably help me release some of the pressure in me. But, I should be working on my project even as we speak (or rather as I speak). Maybe I'll draft one later. We'll see.

Bitch slapped

Bitch Slapped

At first i was "alright"
And then I was "nehs"
But then I kept to my promise
And you bitch slapped me in the face.

Sure I don't need it now
It's not a life threatening want
But still I want you to want me
And besides, it's loads of fun.

But yea you turned me down
Two freaking times in fact
Once is embarrassing
But it piled up and stacked.

It's a bitch slap across my face
A bee sting on my dimple
Bear claw marks lay on my cheeks
As I began to whimper.

A sensitive beat root of a head
Pigmentation forming
Hot and searing from the centre
And tears streaming and pouring.

It was a bitch slap across my face.

1 month aniversary

It has been forever since I last wrote a post. School has been going well. It's kinda different from others though. It is REALLY efficient.In the sense that you are learning constantly and i mean constantly. It is always new. You hardly go back and repeat until you understand. Lessons are planned to be something you learn from and not something to re enforce what you have learnt the lesson before.You have to do the catching up yourself. Oh and it is full of presentation and group work. I wonder if it is the same for other schools in NTU. I hope i don't drown.

I have joined Choir as my CCA and have decided to apply for the roles of Student Conductor and Sectional Leader. SC is really new to me and im not sure if im up to it. It would be awesome to try conducting. It would be a totally new experience. But in case i dont get it, i hope to fall on SL.

I am also joining ODAC. Subcomm interviews are tmr. I didnt make the cut to the main comm but its okay. I kinda guessed so before even going for the interview. Hopefully i can manage my time well. Owells, i guess thats all from me now, I have got to do my homework and get ready for, yet more presentations.

A waste of "emotional mind-boggling cells"

Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend in the taxi as we were going home. And the topic really frustrated me in the vehicle. It was as if there was a decision to be made or an epiphany to be struck. It was as if I had been living wrongly and should change my way of life. Going to university meant meeting new friends. With a new group of friends, it meant getting to know new people with new sets of ideals. This group seems very different from what I guess I have been interacting with. Although I have made it clear that I don’t necessarily clique with all kinds of people, the ones I have met so far are usually study oriented. They focus a lot on their grades with consistency. That’s me too. This group, however, has a few individuals that divert from my norm.

So yesterday my friend and I were talking a bit about growing up, going out and studies. He is a very “on” person. He loves to hang with friends with any free time he possess. Me? I put studies first. So he was telling me that I may have not let go of my “small girl mentality”. I didn’t agree but I didn’t exactly disagree either. I said this could be due to the lack of going out with friends. It has always been school, CCA and home for me. It was always a daily routine with the exception of holidays after examinations. If I do go out, though rarely, it is always with the same group of friends, which I have to admit, pamper me. I guess the lack of going out gave me little chance in making my own decisions and thus, grow up. The conversation made me feel like I should change my way of life and the fact that I am going to graduate at only 21 years old makes it seem like I should make good use of this limited time.

What bullshit.

Thinking back, that is all nonsense and a waste of “emotional mind-boggling cells”. There is nothing wrong with being studious. I mark my grades to be of high priority constantly and not only during important examinations. I am not going to wing through uni after putting in so many years of hardwork. No. I do what I am comfortable with. Going out when I should be studying or resting so as to absorb better will make me feel so guilty. No. I am who I am and I’ll be who I feel is right.

"WE" was supposed to end later

"WE" was supposed to end later

I used to show off my emotions
whenever I deem fit
to let the others know
if I'm angry, sad or elate.
But this time it's different;
I'm keeping them to myself.
I'm bottling up my emotions
and leaving them on the shelf.

It's because of the embarrassment.
I don't want others to know
so they won't see the shame
that now I do own.
I've failed in this aspect
though it ain't all my fault.
But I can not be the bitch
So my mind's doing somersaults.
Cause you ain't some random one,
I picked up from elsewhere
but a sister of a dear friend
that's great beyond compare.

I can picture the image: the scene
of how it all went down;
your parents giving in
after seeing your slightest frown.
You pleading hard and whining.
Your parents on the couch
and they caved in to princess,
that I can vouch.
They said, "Send her a message
to inform her of this,"
and you ran happily to your room,
with your face gleaming bliss.

So you ended our relationship
with a simple text,
Blaming nothing of the universe
but saying it was stress.
You are bound to face it, honey,
whether you like it or not.
You are an adult taking examinations,
Not a baby in a cot.
It was taxing on me too-
your body full of medication
but it was certainly lacking in perseverance,
determination and dedication.

So we stopped our partnership
before it reached its term.
2 sessions more and probably,
this sadness I wouldn't learn.
Still, I'm glad it's over now
and best of luck to you.
I hope you buckle up real hard
before your time is due.

August

It is August already and school is starting soon. I have actually been accustommed to the couch potato lifestyle that I'm not sure if I could revert back to the chionging schoolwork attitude. Since I am not involved with any other camps, I have been spending the past few days either lazing IN my couch or going out with friends. All of which is brainless. I do hope I can manage when school starts.

I am once again meeting my FOOT campmates tmr for post FOOT at Sentosa. I have been sick lately so I have to be careful with my diet tmr... Eating with friends can mean alot of peer pressure which leads to bad meals and tummy go pain pain. Then again, I havent exactly been eating healthy. I have practically been surviving on two or even one meal per day. Havent exactly got the best appetite.

Anyway, I have only recently found out that Jocelyn, one of my camp buddies, is actually not a senior. She IS a freshie!! I wonder why no one has pointed this out to me since I have posted about her being a "non-freshie" in my poem itself. So, I guess I have to change that verse now... Will probably post it at the end of this post. (if I actually have some inspiration cause well, it's kinda late already...)

Owells, I met up with my friend Santosh yesterday. It was a good outing. I still cant believe that he is going to leave Singapore already... :(( Will miss him and all his nonsense and all his bullying (or is it mine?) Haha. Anyway, I will miss him, I'd give him that.

Can't wait for post FOOT which will happen in just a few hours.. I should better get some sleep cause I have to wake up earlier than usual. Ok, let me source for some inspiration now....

Magician Jocelyn's amazing,

disappeared mysteriously after cycling.

She apeared again on the 5th day

when we found out who was the fake.

Done nights peeps!

Need smth to do!

It is coming to a month since I’ve ended my term at CPF and frankly speaking, it has been boring as hell. I am not saying that I am looking forward to the stress of school or feeling nostalgic towards the roller coaster of emotions in the workplace. I am just, well, anticipating for something to get my hands on.

I am not one who can sit around and feel contented with just lazing the whole day. Being useless is erm… sian. I have spent the last two days recuperating from camp and now that I am fully energized, I am ready to get down and dirty again. Friends are either working, in NS, going for refresher courses or participating in various camps. None of which I am a part of. This is going to be a long holiday.

I have tried with the artistic side of me. Painting, sketching, drawing. Doing my nails, my hair, shopping. Drafting poems, writing my blog, playing my piano. I have also gone out to play. Singing K, playing pool, watching movies. There is nothing much left.

Well, I could go on and have a head start on my accountancy courses but that is the one thing I am dreading badly. I mean, I am not too keen with the whole be-an-accountant idea and I certainly do not want to start it off badly. Hence, I rather let the teachers do their work and make it as pleasant as my body, my mind and my heart could ever let it be.

I am anticipating the photos that are going to be put up on facebook. Some are already surfacing, showing most unglam moments. Can’t wait for the spammage of notifications to arrive so that I could return the favor with comments and likes. Posted my little “poem” as my status there and it was quite well received. I wouldn’t dare brag about it because as a literature student, I know it isn’t very deep.  Wouldn’t call it fit to be a poem anyway. It is just a description of people that rhymes or a shallow blank verse.

Either way, I am glad it brings smiles to people. I have never gotten so many “likes” before for a status (>25). Haha. *smug* Owells… Back to being bored. Am not sure what I’ll do after this. Probably catch some close-eye. Need smth to do stat!

A Close OSAR Freshie Family

A Close OSAR Freshie Family:

At first there were fourteen-

5 guys, 9 girls in a team.

All seemed normal, not the least bonkers,

oh god how wrong we were!

We had skit IC Vanessa,

the wushu warrior of OSAR.

Push her buttons if you dare,

but consequences alone you shall bear.

Michelle was great at packing

and, to others, apparently slacking.

But still she is, lucky as can be

to have been allocated Hall 3.

OSAR even had Sailormoon

as Greg popped out as a cartoon.

We laughed out loud to his demise

when his yue liang zao xia while he tried.

Charlene was ever cute and bubbly

Whose dance moves are so amazing.

Her geisha ideas were out of the world

as she showed how it was to be a girl.

Tong Zhen’s the scary female ghost

whom the guys fear the most.

A headlamp is just all she needs

to make you incapable of holding in your pee.

Talking about bladder control,

makes me think of a specific bro.

One that urinates anytime anywhere ,

it’s no other but Chin Ken.

Brenda oozes creativity

as she helped with all the lyrics

for our performance at SP night

and the cheer of OSAR fight.

We have future teacher Mars

who shines brightly amongst the stars.

She cooks a mean meal, definitely a steal,

you wouldn’t believe it’s even real.

Weiwen can’t figure out whatsapp,

but still make an awesome cat

His bravery is commendable

as he’s the first to make the proposal.

Eunice is so kei jua

2 numbers to add, damn extra.

Yet her activeness we need to thank.

Without her, FB group would’ve been a blank.

Miss Taka Melor Ayumi Nipple Saki

belonged to dear Frankie.

He discovered himself through inks of markers

and balloons and lipstick and powder.

Magician Jocelyn was no freshie

who disappeared mysteriously after cycling.

She appeared again on the 5^th day

when we found out who was the fake.

Argh! That asshole Hong Xun

didn’t even give us a hint.

Fooled us bad with his great acting skills.

Oh how betrayed we feel-ed!

And so we were left with thirteen,

that is when you include me.

A bunch of isanities, all gaining notoriety

but still a close OSAR freshie family.

OSAR FOOT'12

Just came back from FOOT (Freshman Overseas Orientation Trip) camp and it was AWESOME. I’ve never thought that a group could consist of so many wonderful people who, put together, make a power group. On campfire night, one of the seniors quoted' "to give love, you must first be loved". This impacted me quite a bit and I swore the little voice in me was saying "I so feel the love".

“Family Love” was a core objective here and I have to say that FOOT was very successful in achieving it. I felt the care and concern and saw the amount of effort that the seniors put in. I remember having the hesitation to go for the camp as it was going to be “mah fan” since there was an overseas component. However, now, I strongly feel that I would have regretted if I were to make the alternative decision.

I wasn’t too sure if I could go through FOOT as I thought it to be highly physical. I even cried on the first night from night cycling. I didn’t know I was that much afraid of the dark. Though I tried to pull through, I stopped in the end as it was too much for me. I was too shag from the sobbing. Knowing this, my dad predicted that I couldn’t have gone through the other 5 days of the camp. (Glad to have proven him wrong!) Although I didn’t manage to complete the whole bike course, I still don’t think I could thank senior Wen Hui enough for all the encouragement she has given me.

So I guess I started FOOT with a weak start. Throughout the other days, OSARians actually thought I was a quiet girl (probably cause I was tired??). Hahas. How wrong they were! On the third day, I guess I surprised them all when I went all Agnes-crazy with the Master Chef Presentation skit, playing “Auntie Lucy- Sexy Version”. I can’t believe that anyone would think of me as demure, much less quiet, during an orientation camp. I have gone through 7, including this one, camps. All of which I was absolutely insane. Am glad to clear the air with everyone else. Haha.

Apart from Auntie Lucy, we had geishas (of many types) and Kiakia. I believe we were all stunned by the amount of courage and bravery the skit comm had. Whether we were silent or laughing our asses off, we all had our jaws dropped when Frankie kissed Yong Jun (ODAC president) in the midst of the skit! Oh, we won most creative skit by the way! Go OSAR!

Trekking was a great experience. I have only trekked once, I guess, with OBS and it was really tiring. We had to carry all our heavy bags through the jungle terrain. This was very different. We didn’t have to carry as the guys did most of it and we had to go upwards instead of forward. We climbed rocks and hills, through the forest and streams. (Wasn’t really streams… More of parts of the waterfall) It was a dangerous but exciting adventure. So exciting that it didn’t feel the least bit tiring even after trekking for 6 hours! Time flew past as we sang our way up and down. I got complimented for my singing (yay!) but that’s not the point.

Our lunch break was at the top of the waterfall but I think we played more than eating. The water was cold as hell but fun nonetheless. The seniors lied to us- saying that there was going to be a seven-eleven where we could buy magnum ice-cream and of course there had to be people who believed them. Oh well, at least it kept us going.

It rained on our way down the trekking path. We thought helplessly of how our tents could have flooded and drenched all our stuff since we were not there to make sure of it ourselves. However, this thought was quickly pushed aside as we played games in the rain while waiting for the okay sign to carry on trekking.

Campfire was next. I won Banana Queen together with King Ken. Still can’t believe how easy it was for him to pick me up princess style. Frankie won Miss Pallepe with his “Ayumi Nipple Saki” persona. We got into the cheering competition finals. Apparently we won but were announced as the runner-up instead. This intelligence is supposed to be private but heck it, no one reads my blog. We had won 2 out of three competitions and the judges thought it’d be better for the non-existence of a monopoly of titles. There were no hard feelings though, at least for me, be it before or after receiving this piece of intelligence.

On the 20th morning, I approach the president of ODAC (Yongjun) to ask him to be my SP. I was completely prepared to be wei nan by Aira (his group) as he was a high profile person, and sought comfort in the fact that I had the backing of my group. Thank god they were rushing for time! I sang him part of Grenade and that was all it took for him to say yes. When the news spread, some were shocked that the president was sold for just a song. Haha. There was nothing I could do but think “lucky me”.

After my “proposal” was done, there wasn’t any time left for the other freshies to do the same. Hence, my group decided that we would video the proposals and Zi Dao Zi Yan. Haha. Some acted as the other team while the rest acted as, well, us. It was hilarious. Will put up all of these videos here as soon as they make their way to facebook haha.

After reaching school, we found out that Hong Xun was a fake freshie. That asshole. He was so good with all the lying. Owells, it is an experience like no other.

I was so shag from the packing and crossing customs that when the group went for supper, I was a zombie. I hardly ate and fell asleep a few times. In the midst, they took a few Polaroid photos. They gave each of us one with our GLs and I am glad to say that my forced-awake look wasn’t too piercing to the eye. When we got back to school (2am), I KO-ed immediately while the others chatted. Some even lasted till 6.30am (we had to wake up at 7). Though I still stand on my ground that they were crazy, I do feel that I missed out quite a bit.

We had to wash our entire store (tents; mess tins; pans etc.). Oh boy was that fun!! I experienced washing store before at OBS. Although the OBS experience was an unforgettable one, washing store then was more of an obligation than it was fun. We bathed each other more than we cleaned everything. Canoe polo was next. Argh! Though I kayaked before, getting to the ball was harder than I thought! I didn’t even get the chance of touch the ball! Haha. But it was still fun nonetheless.

Then, we packed and got ready for SP night. Didn’t know that so many people dressed so nicely for it! So, I have to thank senior Priscilla for the dress she lent me. I'm still so sorry I broke her necklace when I held it. Was very thankful for the dress as it allowed me to go on stage (quite a few times too) not as Auntie Agnes.

I won the title of Queen YipeeYaYa together with the King from Doma (I think) and we got a pack of goodies each! Haha. For our SP Night performance, our group sang the song "My Love" by west life. We change some of the lyrics to create an original meaningful piece. Kudos to Tongzhen, Gregory and Brenda for the lyrics. :) Moreover, I think appreciation for Weiwen is in order too for putting in so much effort in practicing the guitar.

I got Yongjun a water bottle in a very Chui plastic bag while he bought me chocolates and sweets in a really cute paper bag. Haha. It was fun chatting and interacting with him though we spent most of the time on stage. Haha.

The night ended on a high. No tears though. But nostalgia. 6 days passed really fast. Am still deciding whether to go for ODAC. Love the culture but it's something new. Touching my heart, hoping to make the right decision.



{My Love}
To our GLs,
Our dear seniors,
And everybody else
I'm not alone, foot 12's brought us closer

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had, chasing SP together
Oh yeah~

And oh Osar
I'm holding on the moments
When Gregory proposed with a 月亮

So I say a little prayer
And hope the love would take us through
When the days are bad,
We would think of dear Osar

Overseas to Malaysia
To find the ulu waterfall
Where the family warmth brought us through the tir-ring hike

Our group is gay
We have Geishas
And famous miss pallepe
And Ken can't stop to keep himself from peeing
Oh yuck

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had spending time together
Oh yeah

And oh Osar
I am holding on the moments
When weiwen proposed as a hum sup cat

So I say a little prayer
And hope the love would take us through
When the days are bad,
We would think of dear Osar

Overseas to Malaysia
Where we had fun in cooking com
And then Frankie planted kisses on Steven
and yongjun

To keep you in our heart
To promise you seniors
To tell you from our hearts
You're all I'm thinking of

Reaching from the love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope the love would take us through
When the days are bad,
We would think of dear Osar

Overseas to Malaysia
To find the place we love the most
Where seniors cared for us
And tried to pass on the love

Say a little prayer
Hope the love would take us through
When the days are bad,
We would think of dear Osar

Overseas to Malaysia
To find the place we love the most
Where the fields are green to see you once again
My love



{OSAR Pledge}
We the brothers and sisters of Osar. Under the guidance of gina ling and snakie leong, we pledge to be loyal and true to the family. Brothers sisters ji ku wei! Ho bo?! HO!

MINE

Looking back at the course of today, it was fun and enjoyable. But there one thing that bugs me. Privacy should be respected, don't you think?

It was my own thing in my own space.

You found it by accident.
I didn't make a big fuss about it.
You showed it to others once.
I probably didn't make it clear enough that it is private.
You showed it to another again.
You are so begging me to be pissed off.

Like I needed one more to critic about me, my personal stuff in my own personal space.

It is MINE for ME to do what I want with. MINE.

Maybe it's just easier if you have some faith

Read a blog today about someone's jc school life which I thought I could really relate to at some level.

It somehow brought me back to results day and teachers. It felt weird and terrifying, as If I was reliving all of it again.

But there is a significant difference. I wasn't the person. I was a bystander, who was looking at the younger version of me. So kinda like dejavu with a twist.

This allows me to see things in another perspective. I don't want to bore anyone with all the details of the flashback. Long story short, I realise that I was always "lucky".

My grades from the major exams are usually less than what I desired. However, those grades still manage to keep me going in the general direction that I was hoping to go with my expected better grades. It made me think if it was god at work.

I have always been outright agnostic. But it seems that maybe there is something bigger that puts me through my presumed obstacles.

Didn't go on stage (no >5A1s) for O levels.
But got into NJC.
Didn't get >3As for A levels.
But got into NTU Accountancy.

Now that I am in accountancy, I am still doubting if I would ever be satisfied with this decision. I dont think I have doubted a decision so much before. I do hope I don't regret it.

Maybe it's another of god's doing. Maybe he has some plan for me in mind.

Or... Maybe it is just easier to believe that there is someone out there making these plans for you just so you don't feel so alone and so demoralized when things go wrong.

The end always feels better

Today I feel that I am on the top of my game. I've secured a place with older cliques. Grouped well with new ones. Am thought of well enough to be tasked with something I never thought I was qualified to. I bridge people, even though I'm the only one who is using the bridge. Haha.

Work has been much better now that ppl are actually making a conscious effort to appreciate us. Free macchiato first two days back. Free lunch today. And free pizza tomorrow. Not that I'm cheapskate or anth but it's the thought that counts. My colleagues and I, we are a lucky bunch whether they feel so too or not.

I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm leaving soon that is causing me to feel that work ain't that bad nowadays. Wonder what I would be doing for a whole month. Argh. Time to start planning stuff.

Deafening silence

Haven't blogged in a while and since I had time, I decided to just force some lot thingy into me and wrote a poem. I don't think this is a good piece and probably needs loads of touch up due the fact that I was cracking my head so badly for inspiration. Don't judge!!

Deafening silence

From a mother's diary about her deaf child

Tick tock. Tick tock ring.
Ring. Riinng. Riiinnng!
Yawn. Splitting headache.
Riiiinnnng! I jump to my feet,
Rub my eyes and wipe the
wetness on the ends of my gown.
Birds are chirping outside, mocking
me; mocking her and her lack of sound.

She sleeps peacefully beside,
a smile on her face.
I use one so often, it's a tool
just a hand stretch away.
I stroke her hair and carcass her cheek.
I smell her scent; she smells
like the soap I use. I listen to her
breathing, as sweet as church bells.

She used to be special, not abnormal, until
her certified protector went insane.
My ring represented his promises but
now embodies her suffering and my pain.
I regret the first push that gave her
life. I regret the final push that took
it. Her piercing scream; her last word
eloped with my ability to look
through dry eyes. Sniff.

I snapped out of my daze. Riiinnng!
A myriad of noises all around me.
Yet, her silence is most deafening.

He doesn't deserve this

I wouldn't have felt indignant about it until someone puts poison in my head. Maybe I would feel alittle bit from myself; from my own observations, but not to this extent.

He doesn't deserve this and I shouldn't treat him this way like how others are. But society is a weird hemisphere and I am on the border line. I don't fit in perfectly there. They don't give him a chance to fit in. I want out sometimes. But I want the choice to "want out" more.

Am not troubled but am confused. What should I do? My conscience bug me sometimes but my feelings of indignant overpower it usually as it has a strong ally of the want to belong.

Breathing is essential

Blogging right. Life has been so mundane recently and it's nice to have a change in mood. Hung out with Derek today in an impromptu get-together to submit our time sheets. It was fun, to say the least.

I don't want to boost anyone's ego here but it's refreshing to interact with people that I feel are in the same wave length as me. I feel reserved lately. Trying to act as social as I can to hide the fact that I am, inside, still queasy. Derek was a breath of fresh air.

I feel really lucky we are not story book characters or I'd really believe that he's the witch of the candy-made house. The amount of food that he stuffed me with made me feel fortunate that I wasn't Gretal. Think he probably felt that it's vice versa. Haha.

tTomorrow is my last day of work till my weeks leave is over. Can't wait to go to Philippines with daddy. Time to sleep now. Good nite Hansel.

Insolent mouth

What the hell is wrong with him?! I have been nothin less than supportive these few weeks. Done my part as a friend. And there he is with his PMS mood swings. Actually, I doubt that they are mood swings cause they are starting to sound really consistent, that bastard. He is being so insensitive that it's beyond human understanding. Next week I shall return what is borrowed from his household. And maybe I won't really have to face that insolent mouth again.

Fifty shades of grey

Fifty Shades of Grey... Oh my god. Wheredo I start? A buffet; feast even, to my literary taste buds. I mean, Agnes doesn’tlike reading. She loves literature, but not reading. Yet, she has devoured thiswhole book in just two days. Says loads, doesn’t it?

It’s justoozing with brilliance; with words of wit; with technique. It just makes you,well me, itch so badly that I want to comment on it. It contains references ofother literary texts such as Tess of thed’Urbervilles (which I am relieved for it to be one of the few books I haveread). But, there is a drawback. It is just too sexual. Too to-the-pointsexual. Everything was just so normal at first. Well, not mundane. It is moreof an enthralling kind of normal that keeps me going. And all of a sudden, thewhole freaking mood changes to the extremity of sexual conducts.

I didn’t haveto wait for the chapter number to reach a double digit for the F word tofinally surface. The F word. I bet you are probably thinking that it came outas a swear word. Well, that’s undeniably true but what caught me off guard isthe use of the word as the word itself. How incredibly crude.

Argh! Such rawdetails of movement. I swear, this is my closest encounter to sex. Never hadthe experience with anyone, never had (and never will have) any experience withmyself and never seen any form of it in *ahem* motion pictures. I think I findcomfort in the fact that the female lead is also a virgin. Hence, it was easyto relate to her. (She’s a literature lover too) Every detail so carefullyconcocted, whether by the male lead or the author, is as new to her as it is tome. It seems we feel the so much the same emotions that I am not clear if it was her feelings that were affecting mine or vice versa.

I think itis probably the fact that I am the third party that I can say that there weresome decisions that I would have never even thought of considering. (yet, if I reallywas in her shoes, would I have still be this confident?) You could just imaginemy smile as I uncover that my name is in the freaking book, and my grin as I findout that ‘Agnes’ was the more grounded and thinking-with-reason friend.

Ten chapterswas all that I could take as a first introduction to the book. “Romantic,liberating and totally addictive, the Fifty Shades trilogy will obsess you,possess you and stay with you forever.” It damn right haunted me for the restof the night. I wake up, wanting “more”. (God! The ‘more’ word… it will nevermake the same sense to me ever again. ‘Come’ too. God!) Picked up my book thefirst thing in the morning but switched on the TV too though. It was my morningroutine (when I’m not at work) and I was sure as hell trying not to let my dadknow how into the book I was, since I did tell him that it was immensely sexualthe night before.

I haven’t investedso much emotion into a book ever since I’ve picked up an Enid Blyton book. Don’tget me wrong. I am not THAT interested in the sexual portion. But, I have toagree that I was so engrossed that I stop having any tiny smirks whenever I finda witty string of diction. I find I ceased to concentrate so much on theliterature part, although obvious points like color symbolism and themes(domination and sadism) are a hard-to-miss. I even started to skip words. I narrowin to the dialogues and dismiss the describing words of tone. I mean, even anactor will have an idea of how to deliver his speech, without action cues, whenhe is so into the plot.

I love theemail exchanges between the two leads best. It brings one back to high schoolflirting. Its innocence is refreshing and, frankly speaking, something I FINALLY havereference to. The one thing I really hate about this book, besides its sometimedisturbing scenes, is the way it ends. So many loopholes. “Leaving me achingand hungry for more.” Maybe E L James “want[s] me frustrated”. Damn her! Infact, F her!

As afraid as I am to explore new exotic areas of Ms. James’s scary mind, I am going to head to the book store to get Fifty Shades Darker.

Train breakdown

There was an accident that caused delay in the trains today, especially the ones going to JE I arrived there and it was such a spectacular sight!! Did you ever realise how awesome the whole station looked when decorated with 500 ppl?

Imagine the whole platform just swarmed with ppl whom you are lucky to get brushed and nudged as you walk through. The escalators are down and poor commuters are stuck on it as they can get to the platform nor the station below. Awesome right?

Now picture everyone of them with frowny faces. Every one of them. Don't you think it's such a rare sight? I mean how do you get EVERYONE to be sporty an participate in this let's-frown-together activity?

What an enriching experience to kick start my morning!!

Ball game with the king

Ball game with the king

I have been forgetful lately,

Forgetting what you said

And forgetting to apologize

For forgetting what you said.

So I'm here now to say I'm sorry,

But you didn't have to be so rude

To cut me off right in the middle,

Acting high, mighty and good.

So oh your majesty, please forgive me;

For all I have sinned.

Yet, please too explain to me

Why you made such a din.

For the solution was quite simple

And the problem did no harm

Unless, I'm guessing, you've got something to hide,

Or someone you didn't want to alarm.

But it ain't up to me to speculate

So I'm still here, Your Loftiness.

Yet I want to make it clear that

I'm no pushover, stateliness.

The game you play 's in my territory;

I am an expert at it.

And if you end up at the wrong side of the court,

I swear you'll concede defeat.

Brace yourself

Haven't blogged since forever and I really need a channel for my feelings recently. I have gotten over the fact that my results could have been better and am actually quite satisfied now since I've gotten an UNi offer already. But still, I have to admit that the occasional boasting of my friends on fb still drives me nuts then and there.

My moodiness now turns to work, especially today. It was the cold war. Well, not really. Tensions were present and lost in a matter of minutes but bitching was a significant part. I don't even know where it came from. And maybe it was the enhanced effect from the combination of PMS and the hectic work life, but I am totally drained emotionally. I don't understand how ppl are so different from the ppl whom I hang out with. I mean I am growing to realise that some ppl just want to make comments just for the sake of making comments without even giving thought of what others would feel. I used to think that if you had smth good to say, it's alright to say it to the person but if it ain't, especially of its on such superficial stuff, why tell the person?? I mean, I see my colleagues commenting on hair and clothes and appearance. It comes across very superficial to me. Depth. Depth.

And then another big thing that is going on is the lack of doing work of some and the über hardworkingness of some that has caused a huge hooha. I used to think that helping one another out to be smth that comes natural. And I feel that this environment has changed me as ppl just are not in the same thinking as me. I remember one gloating about how he/she has finally served one after so long. Seriously? You're gloating about that? Anyway, I've learnt to moderate what I do (though I'm not proud of it) And the unhappiness is now on others who feel te injustice.

Ppl are finally voicing out their concerns. and ppl are leaving the workplace one by one, either by their own wish or against. Those who stayed had to prove that they knew what they were doing. I don't know if it was in my blood or what but the test I took it quite seriously even though I didn't study. I checked it twice ( like Santa) and tried to clarify the doubts after the test was returned. Apparently no one was quite interested in that. I mean I wanted to learn. Butppl don't seem too keen.

Anyway, enough about work. On a happier note, I have found this new series called once upon a time. Awesome show though a little scary at times. Owells. Time for bed. Jiayou Agnes. Brace yourself.

Perfect imperfections

Perfect imperfections

There is something, I swear,

that is the size of a tic-tac.

Tiny. Real tiny, yet so powerful.

It overwhelms me and swallows

me whole as if I were nothing.

Nothing.

It wasn't supposed to hurt so bad.

It wasn't supposed to hurt at all.

But I was there and she was there.

They were there too and it happened.

The world enclosed and I was the

only one with the subtle screaming

of my heart as my hands caressed

the unique texture of my result

slip.

I had planned to be pleasantly surprised.

This was not expected. No.

"If only I had another A, I'd be

satisfied". Yea right. If I had

another A, I would have asked for

another. Now I'm left feeling beaten

down over something as small as

a tic-tac.

What am I going to do now? Dates are

passing without waiting for me. Cruel

cruel time. The independent being.

I do not want to diminish

the meaning and significance of the

Harikiri, but I feel as though I

somewhat understand how much

shame can influence you.

That much.

What I cannot comprehend is my

inability to let this go. Everything

seems so surreal. Not a dream

but a figment of my imagination.

It is coming across as if providence

doesn't exist.

This is ironic, I guess, since I'm

agnostic. I've never shied away

aggressively from religion. I believe

I've probably been waiting for

something that would convince me

totally. This isn't it.

But who am I kidding? I wouldn't

have been urged towards God

if I had done well either. I'm

in a mess.

I just wish someone would tell

me what to do, that is,

of course, in accordance to what

I want.

I know I am going against the

norm all because I am afraid.

I am afraid that I cannot make it

to the norm; that I cannot make it

in the norm; that I cannot make it

out of the norm.

And, I guess, what I really

fear is that I would be part of

the norm and un-special.

I didn't stand out this time

and so I need to rectify that

by coming back with something others do not have due to the

very fact that they were better

than me in this horrid play

of fate.

I have to go overseas and be

different. My parents do not

understand my burning need

to be apart from everyone.

The more my mum tells me about

being like the rest, the more

agitated I get by the fact that

I was going to end up as a

robot of this society.

Studying abroad gives me the

opportunity to be different from

the society there and allows me

to be differentiated from the

rest of the people that the

Singapore education system tries to

produce.

Looking at a self-portrait of myself

now. It is a little bit deformed, due to

my lack of artistic- genius genes,

and it looks a tat bit abstract.

The fake smile; the sad eyes.

The nose looks perfect though.

As a whole, that picture is indeed,

perfect.

That's what I need to be now.

I am a little bit disoriented, I admit.

However, I need to put on a smile

to hide my crying emotions and

carry on with life. I'll let my

nose lead the way; make the

necessary decisions now and

wait for the next miracle to happen.

A level results

Recieved my results yesterday and am feeling beaten down today. They were not necessarily atrocious but the significant lack of As are sinking my emotions. Fuck everything man.

Sayonara vieil ami!!

It's not that I do not like you, or despise you, or hate you. It's more of me just not feeling as comfortable as I feel I would want to be when I'm around you. We are just not of the same kind. You probably feel the same. I know you may not hate or dislike me. I mean, why would you?? I saved your ass before and had to sacrifice my own opportunities to do so. You, by hell, should be grateful. We are of different breeds. You being the more independent, loud, and crazy. Me being the more relying, loud and crazy. My kind, we move in packs and never leave one behind. I'm sure you don't understand this. I don't judge you. You don't have to do so too, in my face with all those innuendos. Let's keep our space, least we clash outright and it would be like sec2 all over again. It's the order of things. being solo, I see that you have the advantage in winning friends over; not forgetting another extra boost by coming in as buy 1 get 2 free. Your influence is impeccable. Showing the rest how to ditch another when one is in desperate times and rubbing it in to show one's helplessness; weakness. My friend came through for me and i finally felt a sense of relieve ever since you took away my original plan. Yet, you still managed to make it a bad thing for me to trouble my friend, emphasising how you wouldnt even make your bf do that. Dearie, my friends are awesome and you just are not as fortunate to enjoy these kind of genuine friendship. But anyway tmr's your last day. Can't wait to see how life would differ and can't wait for your presently return after half a month. You know I don't hate you, bitch. But still, sayonara vieil ami!!

My thoughts on 步步惊心 theme of dreams

Decided to blog about a rather famous or popular drama series that have been showing recently- 步步惊心. I am still in the midst of enjoying the show but I've gotten random comments and description of the ending. Personally, I feel that a theme is more of dreaming rather than transcending time. That is, well from what I gathered about the ending. My comments shall be very personal and not at all absolutely right.

The play (I guess) bespeaks of the ability of one to manipulate ones dreams as well as the lack of control one feels in the surreal world. Her (lead actress' character) ability to control is seen through choice. Her choice of who she knows, who she is close with, who she falls in love with, her status etc. For example, she chooses which princes she knows on a personal level. She chooses them as they are the ones who have left a significant mark in history. The crown prince, the next emperor, the respected 8th prince, the goofy one, the chief commander and of course, a good looking one who shares her views so that she doesn't feel so lost in an era that does not belong to her.

She also chooses to be able to gain the respect of many, including high ranking persons such as the emperor himself. She chooses to be caught in the dilemma between two great catches, both of which are awfully fond of her. So between the two, who should she pick? The future emperor ofcourse. The final act of control lies in her impactful death.

The lack of control in ones dream is also shown through instances such as the inevitable end of her not being able to marry her "lover" and the earlier deployment as a palace laundry woman. The fear and anxiety she feels while serving his majesty, as shown through the diagnosis of the imperial doctor, also mimicks the feeling of a "mini heart attack" a normal person may sometimes encounter in his sleep.

I'm not criticizing the playwright as a professional critic or as a literature student. I am just giving my humble opinions on what I feel is a clever use of dreams. For all you know, this may not have even crossed the playwriter's mind. Just giving a penny of my thoughts here. It is still quite a moving show that I believe is worthy to watch. :))

Poor little juniors

Went back to NJC today and saw how stressed out my juniors were. I'm so carefree now that I forgot how it was like when I was in their shoes. I remember being in the exact same predicament- some times fighting, some times in tears. Poor little things. I wish there was something I could do to help them. Owells, all the best dearies!! Gambate and kick ass!!

Sims

Am really bored tonight. Have absolutely nothing to do. Was watching tv since I reached home and I think I've somehow grown roots that are attached to it. Nothing brain stimulating tonight either so right now I'm just a floating entity, well, more of a lazing-on-the-sofa entity. Bored to the max. Maybe I should try concocting another poem. But that would mean needing inspiration, which right now is at level zero.

Tmr is v day and I've nvr actually thought about for the past few years. V days always seem to come and go fairly quickly. Some times they bring a little bit of surprises here and there. But this year is a little different. I think it's probably due to the fact that Ive nothing to do that I'm actually seeing the days go by for v day to approach. A new experience indeed. I'm not going to condemn v day like others who may not be able to find their other half cause I know that if I'm attached, sure as hell am I going to rock the freaking day with him.

Wonder if I'll get anth special from anyone this year. I doubt so though. No more sch = no more childish sch boy crushes = no more prezzies that are given with high hopes that would most likely end in low spirits. Owell, at least I can say I have already received one. But that doesn't count and it's a pain to recite the entire story again, so I shall just leave it as that.

Am still really bored and am trying to make the best of talking to complete strangers who may stumble upon my blog. I'd try writing a poem now, just to prevent my brain from degenerating too much. But I guess it may just be a huge exaggeration with little realism and verisimilitude since I do not feel anth passionately right now.

Sims- lack of control

Ctrl alt del. The whole world pauses.

I stare into blank space and time just freezes.

Well, my time at least. the numbers in the bottom

Right hand corner are still jumping. But I froze.

It was so awkward. He was just standing in front

Of me in my apartment, after watering my plants in my garden,

And I had just woke up from my power nap.

He was so close to me. Blue eyes, sharp nose, jet black hair.

I know man was created before women but I have this gut feeling

That he was modeled after me. I see the dirt on him.

He needs a shower. And I, needed to pee.

I see him staring at me too. He was either too captivated by my sexy outfit

Or was paused that way.

Play. I could finally feel my limbs again.

But I had hardly any control over it as I throw myself

Upon his filthy body again and again and again

Until my relationship status leveled up. That was when I realized

We were a couple. I then put on my happy face as I went out to pat my dog

And he went to the bathroom for a good wash.

Onward and upward

It has been forever since I've met you. It's like I've forgotten how much fun it used to be between us. Yesterday I had the taste of it and I am confident of the reason why we were such close friends in the first place. We just get each other and as much as I want to distance myself for my safety, something tells me that leaps of faith are important. I miss hanging out with you and I promise to do whatever I can to let this friendship go onward and upward if you promise to do the same.

Fading

I was thinking, maybe this time it's different. I was a little bit excited and a whole lot of anxious. But we couldn't meet everyday. And as the time passed, the excitement died down, fast. And that's when I realized I have hardly changed. I still exchange glances with others, like how I exchanged them with you. With you or another, it felt the same. It did. I don't feel anything special now. I'm amazed at how fast it went away. Or maybe, it never happened. Maybe it was just an old habit. Orwell, let me take my time then. Fade away, little dear. But don't disappear cause I'd like us to be friends. :))

I trapped a me

I trapped a me
Damn it. You're such a troll,
Playing with my mind. Poking it
With a stick. Filling it with unbalanced sweet silver and gold.
Ugh, you're annoying, omniscient
and pleasant. You boil me in a broth,
Light up the fire; the heat and warmth
And I burn.
What trickery is this? I wish
To learn. So as to do to you what
You did to me- the nicer you are to my heart
the more I feel pain and anguish.
I'm holding onto the one thing I
Still could, though it's eating me alive,
Until you present yourself first, as smth I could chose to buy
And call this possession proudly mine.
Till then, I'm trapped in a cage I set
And everyday, I increase how much I regret.

Saturday

Have been super long since I've gone online. And now that I have, my com just doesn't like it as much as i do. Hence, I'm back on my iPhone. I promised Derek I would blog about yesterday. But I was too physically tired that it was an impossibility. Thus, I am doing so now and hopefully can deliver a much more normal post so that he doesn't see me as some maniac or insanely gothic teenage girl. HAhas. (ps. I'm still a teenager. Miss that??) hAhas.

Yesterday's afternoon outing with Derek was just awesome. It was really fun. Tiring, but nonetheless fun. We literally walked from dhoby ghaut to little India mrt station. (sad to say, I needed to search how to spell dhoby ghaut before writing it down). I enjoyed his company, I really do. Hope he did so too. Lunch was great. Ate black pepper fish at astons while he ate black pepper chicken. We chatted and exchanged bizzar work experiences which we were prohibited to share online. HAhas. He is a good outlet though, I'll give him that. We went to csc later cause we reached farrer park a little bit too early. Bowling was the highlight of the day!! Cause I lost 65 to 112.

Owells, the afternoon was more or less quite great. However, if there was one thing I needed him to improve on, it would be his ability to take hints!! I can't believe he just handed me over to another CCA mate so easily after the countless attempts of me telling him that I was thirsty and wanted him to accompany me to get water. It's not that I do not like him, but he's just not the kind of person I would enjoy spending one on one alone time with... personally.

But still, dinner with pa seniors and peers was quite good, apart from the fact that I was trying my best to keep awake. Eugene was being to mean to that friend of mine. And unfortunately, most of us found it highly entertaining, including me. I feel bad though. We went back to csc after dinner for bowling. I was supposed to lead the way, but you know how well I am with directions. Died on the couch but am pleased that I didn't get the lowest score of the day. Haha.

Going home was planned to be my time to sleep. But my friends constant teasing of my everyday mrt experiences made it essential for my gift of debating to kick in. So sleep was ruled out of the question. Anyway, that's about it. And this abrupt ending is cause of the need for me to get ready for tuition. Gamba te agnes!! :)

Chain me up

What is forbidden is tempting. But the very fact that it is forbidden gives it sufficient body to the act of rejecting temptation. Moreover, circumstantial reasons backs up the act substantially. And this leads to easy decisions on my part cause it seems almost an only one way route to go. Arrows shot either from others or Cupid had not even the slightest chance of penetrating this solid armor of mine. Love seem to come towards me too easily. Love did not manage to integrate into me though. It seemed like if I wanted to, it would be like butter.

No more temptation. For what used to be forbidden is now past tense while I'm moving on to the present too fast for my own sake. The armor depleted and corroded like marble disintegrating upon the caress of acid rain. Exams were over. It should be the time to party. It is the time to party. But with whom? The building of common identity amongst the XY sex had removed them from my current pool of friends and has put me into a situation where I am forced to meet new older guys, some of which with the potential of melting my heart like a hot iron on plastic. And yet, there isn't any more reason to dodge any sharp pointed sticks, launched by a bow.

It becomes hard when you know it is no longer a one way route to go. I may need to start reciprocating feelings. That is scary. Of course I have not gone cold turkey during the forbidden times. Flirting was a distressing hobby that sometimes go too far and start give some abrasions to their tender heart. But reciprocating feelings. That's the challenge. How am I going to keep myself safe when I feel more vulnerable? Flirting empowers when you are hollow inside and he presents only his insides. But now... I'm only left with my shield and sword. No more chunky metal frame.

What should I do then? I'm going to expand my shield. Until I meet the right guy whom I know I do not just want to slice, like a piece of sushi. maybe I'll drop my sword for him, when he promises to use his insides to be my new impenetrable armor. The process would be hard cause I do not have total control of this game anymore. It's no longer a beauty pageant where I am the judge who dictates who makes the cut. I am searching and finding for that tree whom I'll be willing to chain myself to when the world starts killing the environment for their economic gains again.

Proving

I know I've been cold towards you. I don't know how you feel about that. But I guess somewhere deep inside, I hope it's driving you mad. I don't know if I'm trying to prove to you or to myself that I do not need you. Yeapp, you heard me. I can take care of myself. Well, I'm proving it now. Waiting is no longer what you can hold over me cause 15 mins is the max dearie. It's the max.

The new boy

I don't know you well enough. But you are mature and immature the right ways. You are stable. You've got the brains and status. You are someone I know I can compete with. You can allow yourself to let me win when I want it, just to make me happy. I flirt and you flirt back. Aestheticwise, you're not too bad. I may be attracted, I've got to admit. Very eligible. But are you the full package?? I need to know you better first. I've got my eye on you and maybe you've got your eye on me. Touchy touchy. We're touchy towards each other though I've only seen you 4 times and spoke 3 times of the 4. You allow me to be physically close without giving me permission. I do the same. We try to keep our distances though. I know I do. But don't worry. I want to know you better and we'll see how it goes from there

Trusting you once more

I don't understand how this work. I'm confused and a tat bit scared. Anxious is an understatement. But just for you, I'll go with the flow. Please don't hurt me like the heels I wore today.

Still I got to admit, I was, at the very least, pleased.

Rolling my eyeys

I was exaggerating you dumbass. And through the time frame you shouldve known when I wrote it. It's ironic how I push you a way, further from me when I already felt so invisible with you. No, I feel like an obstruction. Maybe this is a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt again. Thinking back gives me shudders. Even more ironic is the fact that this method was derived or inspired by you. I remembered us patching back after our fight yesterday. And then when I checked my phone, I realized that it was just a dream of mine.

再见会不会再见？

感觉不到你与我的友情了。当我的面与别人通电话说没人了。未免也太残酷了吧。算了，就让你走你的，我走我的。如果侥幸遇见了，就勉强吭出一声：＂你好！＂若得走一样的路，你就走在前方吧。让我能在后面默默地想念着昨日的美好，表面上却假装着不认识。再见了。

My path

My path
Move aside and get out of my way.
I don't need you guys to destroy my day.
This is my life. I make the decisions.
Stop experimenting on me; stop making incisions.
You have the best in mind, but that ain't an action plan.
I know what I want; I do what I like with my own feet and hands.
Yes, you gave them to me. I'm grateful to you.
But a gift, once given, can't be returned. You know the rule.
So stop interfering. You ain't know nothing.
My mind is a secret. You're not allowed near it.
Maybe one day you'll learn what ears are for.
You've spoken so much while my words you ignore.
I am still vibrant. I want to see the world.
I'm not an old lady or still a five year old girl.
You've got to understand that I have been trying.
So stop budging in and leaving my crying.
These tears just make me stronger and I'll show you I can live.
I have my own list of chores I promise to finish before I leave.
Patience is a virtue. All I'm asking is for you to wait.
When I come back here, believe me, soaring is what you shall spectate!

朋友

不知道为什么今夜特别多感情，可能是洗澡吧、我通常洗澡都会想些无聊事。说出来还蛮不好意思的、希望我在下面想说说的那些人看了不会飞上天。

吴巧琳。想想看、若是四年前的我，不可能会想象出我们会有这么深刻的友情。在中二那短时期，我们虽然坐的位置很接近彼此，但两个人搜说不出几句话。到现在，我只记得她曾经说过的一句话：＂我把你养得这么大，你还.......＂。她这句话还说不完就开始大笑了。因该是从中三建立感情吧。我们虽然很不同但这搭配还蛮好的。＂一个像夏天，一个像秋天＂很恰当！家伟。这个人，我连何时认识他也不知道，只记得他以前一直买零食给我吃（害得我现在变得这么胖）。可能就是从哪儿开始变得越来越近的吧。谁知道今天会是我其中一个知己。

好了好了，我也累了。改次再继续写吧。已经很晚了，先睡吧。

李佳玲留笔