Suddenly felt nostalgic about old school days and I thought about my JC times. I've made friends in JC but I kept in contact with none of them. Sure, we were fb friends and I occasionally give them a like or so but I would not ask them out for a meal on my own initiative.
I am seriously thinking about why this happened. I knew I never really liked my JC life. I didn't really like how I was in JC either, but I've never delved into it. I knew JC made me selfish but I just thought that it is actually more than that.
I am really a lot meaner in JC. Surely, secondary school was not perfect (immaturity caused me to do a lot of things that I would probably slap myself in the face with.) but JC... wow. I really was a lot meaner and the worse thing is that I didn't even realise it.
I always say that people in my JC was stuck up and selfish, which caused me to be selfish as a form of a defense strategy. Although there are people like this, I have to say that not all were. I guess I was just jealous. I was, am, jealous of the wealth that most of them have. I am also jealous with everyone's success with regards to academics as well as capabilities. Almost everyone was confident of themselves and this just made me feel like running into a hole. The fact that there is no hole to run into forced me to fight (as opposed to flight).
Firstly, I could not take any criticism. Seriously, I would just be so angry within that I would lash back, screaming at the messenger about how he/she sucks, if not more, just as much. It was my way to showing that I was just as good; my way of telling myself that I deserved to be there just as much as anyone else. Obviously, my deep core did not feel this way, else I would have been able to handle good-willed criticism much better.
Secondly, I was way too hard on people, mainly a particular girl. I think I may be absolutely freaking jealous of her, and for that, I made her life with me hell. And, I am sorry. We were so similar in personality that I guess I saw myself in her, but a better version with a more successful background (both family and individual). I hopped on every chance I got to show how she screwed up and held that against her neck the whole way through. She seems to be doing rather well now and shit am I still jealous. But, I am happy for her and I wish for better times for her.
I really do not like how I was in JC and I felt that being away from that environment has let me reflect how I was. I felt an intense need to defend myself and my place in JC. Now, I no longer need to and I feel more at ease. Being in one of the top JCs may not be the best choice for your character although it may be able to push you to greater heights with your academics. Still, I guess if you can reflect on yourself constantly and keep yourself grounded, you should be fine.
It's been more than the longest time since I've written a monologue. Agnes needs to hit the sack now. Company law seminar awaits in the morning.
