Breather

Exams are finally over! Now I can breathe before everything comes crashing down again 2 days later.

Control

Control
If I were a puppet master,
if we were all puppet masters,
we would make us dance.
I tug and he jerks to the left.
You tug and she jumps to the right.
So much fun until you find out that
you have no say in yourself
and that is called
destiny.

My strings are cut.
I stare down at me helplessly.

Our tension broke

Our tension broke
We fought
and, man, did I fight back.
A single comment and
guns were blazing, armors on,
teeth guard in and earrings off.
Nails sharpened, hair tied up,
swords drawn,
the battle starts.

A huge clash between two giant armies.
It was an explosion of the highest state.
Bullets shot and wounds salted.
A treaty within reach but none bothered.

I thought I was winning.
I didn't stop.
I stabbed and slashed and stabbed
and stabbed and stabbed and...
I couldn't breathe.

The blood on my hands were mine
and I felt pain.

But pain wasn't a feeling.
Pain wasn't an emotion.
Pain is emptiness; pain is hollow.
Pain is a black hole that sucks you in and the more you struggle, the more power it gains.
Pain is a snake that swallows you whole - legs first while your paralyzed consciousness spectate.
Pain is your slow disintegration that modifies time so that it never and will never let. you. pause.

I cut the phone line.
Our tension broke.
Pearls scattered down so gracefully.

Uuuhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I was queen kong.

I would have tore down buildings,
smash the apartment you were in,
bring you to the top of Tokyo's skyline,
and make you watch me fall.

Make you see me break my skull.
Make you hear me break my bones.
Make you feel me break my heart.

I swore to God I wouldn't beg.
I'm sorry God.

Words shot out like arrows with poison,
which recipe I got from the evil queen.
Alakazam! Alakazoom!
A kiss of life! Specks of sparkles! Puffs of smoke!
We were alive!
But you are not
you.

So innocent like a new born
but your heart from the dead.
And my heart?
My heart...

My heart is pain.

Failing

Failing
It was just an alphabet and a symbol.
Font size 10. Un-bold. Un-italicised.
It was just an alphabet and a symbol
so why does it feels like the
hot curling iron on my skin,
the razor on my face, the
scalding wax on my body, the
blusher in my eyes, the
cuticle scissors across my breasts.
Why does everything in my attempt to be pretty hurt?

It was like the universe was playing a game
out of me.
It made me the girl who won the crown but
my outfit strategically chosen to hide
all the scars from its constant assault;
my makeup so flawless and thick to hide
all the shame and to fill all the emptiness.

I took a blade.
Wine dripped out of me.
Release.

Another.
I was brought to the clouds. Counted ten of them.

One more.
I was just an arm's length from Him.
I have never been so close to such a stranger.
I reached out so desperately. I needed comfort only he could ration.
But he stood there and hugged me with his eyes.
It was pure connection between the shameless and
the shameless.

My heart beating, hitting, slamming. Bang!
So much pain. How could there be so much pain.
There was no fall but I'm lying on the ground.
It was just an alphabet and a symbol.
Font size 10. Un-bold. Now red.

My Lovely Boyfriend

My Lovely Boyfriend

My lovely boyfriend.

I’m going to kill him.

Maybe a cup of tea first –

just for old times’ sake.

No sugar. His metabolism makes him really hot.

If he plays his cards right,

maybe I’ll let him play with my cat

or stroke my hair

or even a kiss or two.

I love my boyfriend.

Maybe I’ll kill him tomorrow instead.

He does so much for me.

He cooks, he cleans, and he kisses

everywhere.

He thinks of me; not too clingy.

He hugs me; sometimes too tight.

He makes me laugh, then laughs at me.

He lets me do weird faces of his face.

And thus, remains why, I need to kill him.

He is great at balancing

between being the perfect man and a complete douche.

He makes me want to smash his head with a slash hammer.

He makes me want to smash my head with a slash hammer.

I am so confused, I’m going bonkers.

Maybe I’ll save the mushrooms till the end of the week.

But his eyes –

His eyes just make everything disappear.

I could just stare at them all day.

And his hair and his lips and his scent…

I got to get ready.
He is coming for tea!

Washing my hands of you

Washing my hands of you
I could punch a wall right now!
Oh, how I want my hands to fill up with blood.
Broken nails. Broken bones.

I want to muff up my ears. Cover them
away from your critique.

I want to kick a glass ball.
Let it crash! BOOM!
Let it pierce my feet.
Let it bleed.

Let me bleed.
Let me juggle knives. Let me fail. Fall on to me
like rain; like autumn leaves; like shuriken.

I want to scream!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................
I want to hit that high
high G, then A, then ultrasound.

Let glass break.
Let plastic crack.
Let wood rot.

I want to skinny dip in acid and radioactive waste.
Make me melt.
Make me glow.
I want to do all that
if I could just remove the ink you tattooed inside me.

Horrid Pie

Horrid Pie

I probably bite off more than I could chew.

Hungry once but now sick in the tummy

by that horrid pie that was

just so delicious.

Baked with 6 core ingredients

the pie was formed,

with only a tiny dash off pepper for the kick

in my face.

The oven was grinding my teeth down

and churning my gut as I waited.

Waited.

Got to eat it while it’s hot.

It should have been a sign when a drop of saliva

sizzled into nothingness on the pan.

But I dug in so deep so fast as if I used a shovel.

Burned my fingers. Burned my tongue.

And now I’m sick.

I thought you were the doctor but you were a

“Phoney!” in disguise.

I vomited and all you did was inch away

as slow as the winds in a hurricane

and didn’t even bother saying goodbye.

Past Dedication

It been months or maybe even a year and old songs have become unfamiliar to my hands. But yours... Maybe it was a good idea that my friends stopped me before because I play my past dedication like it was just yesterday.

Amber

02/08, we celebrate the end of our 5th month. We spoke about loads of things and I feel so close to you. As I go through our topics, I chance upon amber again and again. Although it has unhappy innuendos, I feel differently. 

Amber is the color of warmth. The comfort you bestow on me as I gaze into your eyes.

It has the colour yellow- the colour of youth- the excitement I feel while awaiting to meet you. 

It holds the colour red- the colour of love- the longing I feel when we kiss our goodbyes till the next time. 

I've not consulted you this, but I shall name the celebration of the beginning of our sixth month "Amber hearts" because I've nvr thought of a colour so highly till it came out of your mouth. Colours do not mean anything yet all hold meanings. And amber now means so much more when it is thought of alongside you. 

Flashing back

I'm flashing back and I keep flashing back. I'm still bewildered with what happened and why what happened. You apologized and I tell myself "it's ok, it's over." My throat is like Poland. Choking on the war between the two stronger powers of words and tears. 

And I keep flashing back- to the time when I looked for your shadow as I hear the dreadful "ping!"- to the time when I got up to get my slippers to chase after you. It was so easy, because my heavy distraught body was lifted by mom's angelic hands. I looked at her and shook my head. "I can't believe he did that"

My sister asked what happened. My dad said to go do some exercise. My mom objectified the situation. But I was a blank so "shut up!"

And I bawled my eyes out. 

My brother's simple gesture of tissue giving. My sister's little goodnight kiss. I smiled in my sleep. 

It's another work day again and I can't stop flashing back. 

I have another slice of you please

I'm starting to feel as though I may love you more than you know and more than you do to me. This is scary and I feel as though I need to reel my feelings in. Being utterly vulnerable to someone else isn't as good as I thought. It pays off when you see the other happy but we don't seem to be very happy all the time. I feel like we may fight more than I feel is necessary due to so many miscommunication. 

This isn't the first time I felt this way. We had fought quite abit a few months back. But at that time, I wasn't as invested in you as I am now. Then, it was easier to let go of you. But now, it would be like driving a stake into my chest. The fights did paid off we us knowing each other better and understanding more of ourselves.

I'm doubting how much it really paid off now since we're back to our little fights. I hate it. I hate them. It chokes me up with chains of attachment just thinking about it. 

You used to fear me having to take a 5min walk home back by myself but you're fine now with me going back myself in an hour journey. I do understand the long trips home you have to take after sending me. It's just rather sad that you no longer worry as much when I'm craving for your affection more. 

I desire your affection like a moth desires the flame of a candle. I seems self destructive but the joy of the light, your light, is... Perfect. 

I want you to hug me Everytime you see me like how I fantasize hugging you so tight when we meet. I want you to smother me with kisses like you are grooming me with love. I want you to not feel afraid to make fools of ourselves when we go out together. I want more. I want more of you. 

Poland Nostalgia (10/6/13-21/6/13)

I can’t believe that 11 days have passed so quickly and I am back in the comfort of my home now. There are so many people I need to thank!!

Firstly, it has to be Mr. Yong. Thank you so much for conducting us to success! Without your magical hands, I bet we would not be able to reach our fullest potential on stage. Thank you for coming to all the practices (and there were a lot of practices) to help us prep for the competition. And thank you for the celebratory wine as well haha!! (I loved the white but the red was smooth as well.)

Secondly, a toast to Desmond! I don’t know if people really understood how much admin work this guy had to go through and how many people he had to meet to get all this done for us. I have been to 2 meetings with him and I came out both times feeling extremely lucky that I do not have so much on my plate. So cheers to Desmond! Thank you for helping us plan this thing, find funding and also researching cool and scary places to go after the competition. I also want to personally thank you for trying to cheer me up when I was feeling a tat bit down. ^^

Thirdly, our dearly beloved future generation president. Thank you, RuiXian, for leading us this whole trip. It was only a short amount of time for you to have a good grasp on the role and enacting it but you did a fantastic job. You are an inspirer and even though you don’t believe me whenever I say that, I really truly mean it. I know there were many things to coordinate throughout the trip and I would like to thank you for making this whole thing a smooth one.

Of course, our presidents were backed by good committees so I would like to thank them too. To the current one (AY2012/13), thank you for all the admin work that you had to do before our trip and to the next gen committee, thank you so much for supporting us and RX throughout it. I know there was so much work to do with the costumes and the getting us ready that you guys constantly had long meetings. Thank you so much for all that you’ve done and all the brain cells you’ve lost. (It’s ok, some of you are smart… first class brain mahs….*cough* JingJing) 
TongWei, ChoeYeen, Nissa, WenJun, DanLei, Dalton, ZhenZhe LiuFan, WenZhen

I also want to thank the music committee cause we’re awesome. For all the extra sectionals you've done to make sure we put up the best we could for all the effort you put in to ensure your members know their part.
Anabel, Ruixian and Ryan.

I know I’m getting draggy but just ignore the post if you don’t want to read on k?

A group of people that we forgot to toast the last time that I felt was sooooo important was our alumni. TengSeng, Rayne and Jameyyyy! Thank you for coming back regardless how very very very very long ago you’ve graduated; for taking time off work to sing with us; for making our journey a fulfilling one. Whooooooooooo!!!

Sops! I want to personally thank you people for being there with me in Poland. I want to thank you for sticking with me all the time, for singing so awesomely. Mama Mingmin for your words of wisdom and for correcting us when I miss out somethings. Another mama Rayne for taking care of us and helping us figure out the sarong thing. Hanna and Bianchi for helping me with the ironing of my attire cause I just suck at it. Danlei for being the most wonderful roomie ever and the random chit chat in the room while waiting for our hair to dry. :D

Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!! And my lunch and dinner buddies!! Thanks for the good food and times!! You have made these time the ultimate de-stressing times during the competition and awesome celebratory parties after!

To the choir, thank you for being there and staying with me. I know I am not the best SC of all times but thank you for the opportunity to learn and thank you for not criticizing my bad conducting. Thank you for believing in me when I take the lead before Mr. Yong comes. Thank you for taking out so much time to come for practices and giving your all. Thank you for being my friends and (omg I am going to cry…) supporting me for the whole year. Thank you for putting in the hard work together with me and celebrating our victory! First and second place yo!
Mingmin, Rayne, Hanna, Bianchi, Danlei
Jianing, Annabel, Jaslyn, Choeyeen, Jingjing, Wenzhen, Yaohe
Desmond, TongWei, ZhenZhe, RuiXian, TengSeng, James, Jeremy
Dalton, Ryan, JohnRae, JingXiang, Liufan.

Last but definitely not least, thank you baby. Thank you for taking care of me the whole time, for supporting me emotionally, for being there. Thank you for loving me and facing my bits of unreasonableness here and there. Thank you for playing along with my childishness and doing weird stuff in front of me to make me smile. And thank you for only doing those weird stuff in front of me so others don’t believe me when I tell them haha. Thank you baby, I really do love you and I am so happy and so grateful that I had you by me in Krakow, Poland.

A Zoo In My Mind

I don't quite know what I am feeling now. It’s funny how so many emotions can happen at the same time.

I love for him has increased and when he say such sweet things, it makes me feel so blessed and so thankful. I feel so close to him but the distance between us makes me feel like I need more. It’s a drug and I am sure as hell addicted. I feel so happy to have him in my life but I feel like I need more. I'm a greedy girl.

Today I realized I got recommended back to hall but the acceptance to hall is voided since I did not apply for one earlier. It was not in the terms and conditions nor known to me beforehand. I thought they were two separate systems. Anyway, I feel so happy that I got accepted yet feel that it is so wasted that it is voided. Before today I was totally fine with not getting accepted but now, I really want my hall. I am trying to file an appeal to apply now and get the hall. And I am full of hope that it will pass. I am so excited about how campus life would be for the next academic year.

I am just bursting with emotions now. So many feelings that overwhelm me yet focusing on just one are not possible. You concentrate on one topic and you have so many contradicting feelings already, not to mention two. It's like a zoo in my mind. This would actually make quite a nice poem but I am just too tired tonight to start drafting one. It is time to go nite nite.

I am your prisoner

I am your Prisoner

Chit chat chit chat…

Maybe I’ve talked too much.

Maybe you’ve talked too little.

Maybe you don’t want to speak at all.

Sing. Louder. Higher.

I hate that cord.

Let’s redefine it.

“No, it was meant to be written this way.”

Look at me.

My eyes are red with your tears and anger that hide the

jealousy that doesn’t exist.

I imprison you with chains that are my hands and they clutch

tightly to your face.

Look at me.

I’m sorry.

“I’m sorry.”

Echo is a verbal exchange of a dance

that we know by heart.

We have spoken too much

but it is never enough.

I Love you.

“I Love you.”

Our foreheads pressed against the other

but I feel beyond the physical.

I was sure, there and then,

I am your prisoner.

Life of a Chorister

My life has been revolving around choir for the past week and a few more weeks to come. It has been choir every weekday since competition is coming up. It was almost unbearable but it’s getting better.

Today, I believe we sounded the best. I think everyone was on their A game and it was actually quite fun. However, I have two issues with today.

First, our new chairperson talked about how rumours are like poison to the club. It is not said without truth but bitching is one of the few outlets we have and I don’t think anyone should remotely control our thoughts and liberty to speak. I guess all’s well if no one gets hurts (physically, emotionally and mentally). We keep it from him/her. We even tried to talk to him/her so that our instructor doesn't blow up from all that interjection. Look at where that got us- an awesome practice. However, I got to say. That person did help my section a lot when I was away. They sounded good today.

But that was the minor issue. The other one I had was with my boyfriend. He got jealous today. I’m saying it was a smile now cause we resolved it. I’m actually quite glad it came up because I get to see us both be vulnerable to each other and feel how much we both meant to the other.

I have paused here so long I decided that I wouldn't try describing it. Long story short, I can’t phantom where I would be without him.

I love you Dalton Lim. Never underestimate that.

Drink Up!

Drink Up!

Never been happier for color vision;

never been happier for coloring in a bowl

for it represents regaining life or the lack thereof.

And I’ve never been so glad for pain.

A day ago, sight was depressing

The moon mocked, the stars gossiped, the

bed disapproved, the table reminded, the food

stung, the drinks smug, the pen whispered,

the paper scorn, the people bled.

And I wept.

And I wept

because I needed fluids that sweat won’t cut.

I wept because of the act that I did, that I

consciously did, that was common and normal and

perfect in almost every other context than what I was in.

I need a drink.

My lips were cracking but I couldn’t care less.

My pair seemed to be fissuring as I was careless.

So hydrated before with his drink yet now so desiccated.

Thank god for water.

Yes, thank God.

I have no religion but I prayed.

Desperate? Yes.

The only things that got me through was his faith with me

and my faith in Him.

I pled for my ancestors to look over me and I saw no angels

with wings but I’m glad they did.

Of course, this could all be in my head.

But if anyone is up there, here is a toast.

Love you, thank you and let’s drink up!

Oh yes, make it red wine please.

My heart

It has been more than a month since I last blogged. Life’s going on pretty well though exams are coming up. School’s been busy though. At least, projects have more or less ended. Im just left with my stats project for the semester. I’m pretty scared for my upcoming exams since I don’t really have a week’s study break between academic time and the exams. But I know for sure, I want to pull up my grades or at least maintain my second upper. I’m determined.

It is 2 weeks to the 2^nd month since we got together, 1 day to the 5^th month since he confessed and about 4 months for it to be 1 year since we met. Life’s been pretty awesome. He is officially the guy that I have the longest standing relationship with and I can’t believe I still get so damn excited every single time I meet him. I don’t get why he makes me smile every time I think of him. It’s oddly irritating. I love that kid.

Who know how much time has passed since I last drafted a poem….

My Heart

My heart flutters.

Not like a dainty butterfly,

but like a buzzing humming bird.

It’s so obsessive it’s irritating.

Yet it keeps me afloat as I taste the sweet

bitterness of life,

as I wonder beyond the blue openness

and set my sights nowhere.

My heart pounds.

Not like acts of pent up emotions,

but like a covetous husband with the rhythm of ardor.

It’s so possessive it bruises me.

Yet it keeps me grounded as I taste the passionate

acidity of love,

as I wonder beyond the red openness

and set my soul nowhere else.

My heart skips.

Not like the rational lady I try to show,

but like the silly child he brings out.

My heart bares.

Not like the insecure girl I try to hide,

but like the brave woman he sees.

My heart loves

because of him.

My heart loves

because of what he is.

My heart loves

because of what he does.

My heart loves

because of how he loves me.

The Newbie in my Life

It has been quite some time since I’ve blogged cause I have been busy with well, the normal stuff, Busy with school, busy with Choir and haha... Busy with my new Boyfriend- Dalton Lim Jun Jie.

I don’t understand what is with that boy that makes me go all softie for him. Oh well, I’m not going to try cause this feeling I have now is awesome enough.

I realised that having a boyfriend really does take up quite a lot of my time. But as someone once said, "Time wasted on doing what you love is not time wasted at all". I do feel the strain and pressure to balance everything though.

Choir took up quite a lot of time to prep for our concert, which was last Friday 15/03/13. haha I got a bouquet!! Teehee. Modules of this semester are also a little harder than last sem. Moreover, I also set aside time with him. This leaves me with very little time for rest and I feel that I am feeling tired most of the time. I am currently staying in Hall 1 in school to save on travelling time. And because they can’t see me studying, my parents have set some expectations for and, of course have put much stress on, me.

However, I must say that I have quite glad with my results from my quizzes so far. But this does not mean that I have understood the chapters well. It’s a lot to take in, but I guess this is only a preview of how I should balance life and work when I get older. I used feel that a relationship may be something that holds you back since it takes up your time. But now, I believe that it is part and parcel of life. And the more you wrap your head around that idea and start managing your time properly, the better you get at ensuring that you can balance life. It is something that you have to learn and I sure am learning it now.

Talking about relationships, I am glad I found him. It seemed to require so much fate for us to meet and yet, it seems so easy. I am the first to admit that life ain't all rainbows and colours; we do have our share of fights and arguments. Sometimes, I wish he would be the bigger man and give in. I mean, I know he is giving in though it may be my fault as well but it shows that he loves me enough to do so.

But, I'm learning to compromise. I hate it, but I'm learning to cause, well...

I love him.

02/03/2013 < 3

Pushing Buttons

Pushing Buttons

Stop pushing my button-

my belly button.

It belongs to me.

Have you forgotten?

You remember the time when

it once connected us.

We shared a cord that

wrapped and strangled as I gasp.

It was snipped and we cried;

You, tears of joy.

I, tears of loss.

And to the womb I waved goodbye.

For a good decade, you held my hand

and it connected us.

We shared a bond that

made us smile and laugh and smile again.

It was relaxed and we were unaware;

You, busy with life.

I, busy planning life.

And out of your protection, the dangers I bare.

Twenty years went by so soon; too soon.

and it alerted us.

But we shared a tie that

remains even if either one was on the moon.

It was invisible and we lost sight;

You, fear of loss.

I, fear of captivity.

And I struggle hard from the restrains you hold tight.

You there! Hey! Stop pushing my button!

My belly button.

Proof of our relations.

On common ground we stand, all is forgiven.