A waste of "emotional mind-boggling cells"

Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend in the taxi as we were going home. And the topic really frustrated me in the vehicle. It was as if there was a decision to be made or an epiphany to be struck. It was as if I had been living wrongly and should change my way of life. Going to university meant meeting new friends. With a new group of friends, it meant getting to know new people with new sets of ideals. This group seems very different from what I guess I have been interacting with. Although I have made it clear that I don’t necessarily clique with all kinds of people, the ones I have met so far are usually study oriented. They focus a lot on their grades with consistency. That’s me too. This group, however, has a few individuals that divert from my norm.

So yesterday my friend and I were talking a bit about growing up, going out and studies. He is a very “on” person. He loves to hang with friends with any free time he possess. Me? I put studies first. So he was telling me that I may have not let go of my “small girl mentality”. I didn’t agree but I didn’t exactly disagree either. I said this could be due to the lack of going out with friends. It has always been school, CCA and home for me. It was always a daily routine with the exception of holidays after examinations. If I do go out, though rarely, it is always with the same group of friends, which I have to admit, pamper me. I guess the lack of going out gave me little chance in making my own decisions and thus, grow up. The conversation made me feel like I should change my way of life and the fact that I am going to graduate at only 21 years old makes it seem like I should make good use of this limited time.

What bullshit.

Thinking back, that is all nonsense and a waste of “emotional mind-boggling cells”. There is nothing wrong with being studious. I mark my grades to be of high priority constantly and not only during important examinations. I am not going to wing through uni after putting in so many years of hardwork. No. I do what I am comfortable with. Going out when I should be studying or resting so as to absorb better will make me feel so guilty. No. I am who I am and I’ll be who I feel is right.

"WE" was supposed to end later

"WE" was supposed to end later

I used to show off my emotions
whenever I deem fit
to let the others know
if I'm angry, sad or elate.
But this time it's different;
I'm keeping them to myself.
I'm bottling up my emotions
and leaving them on the shelf.

It's because of the embarrassment.
I don't want others to know
so they won't see the shame
that now I do own.
I've failed in this aspect
though it ain't all my fault.
But I can not be the bitch
So my mind's doing somersaults.
Cause you ain't some random one,
I picked up from elsewhere
but a sister of a dear friend
that's great beyond compare.

I can picture the image: the scene
of how it all went down;
your parents giving in
after seeing your slightest frown.
You pleading hard and whining.
Your parents on the couch
and they caved in to princess,
that I can vouch.
They said, "Send her a message
to inform her of this,"
and you ran happily to your room,
with your face gleaming bliss.

So you ended our relationship
with a simple text,
Blaming nothing of the universe
but saying it was stress.
You are bound to face it, honey,
whether you like it or not.
You are an adult taking examinations,
Not a baby in a cot.
It was taxing on me too-
your body full of medication
but it was certainly lacking in perseverance,
determination and dedication.

So we stopped our partnership
before it reached its term.
2 sessions more and probably,
this sadness I wouldn't learn.
Still, I'm glad it's over now
and best of luck to you.
I hope you buckle up real hard
before your time is due.

August

It is August already and school is starting soon. I have actually been accustommed to the couch potato lifestyle that I'm not sure if I could revert back to the chionging schoolwork attitude. Since I am not involved with any other camps, I have been spending the past few days either lazing IN my couch or going out with friends. All of which is brainless. I do hope I can manage when school starts.

I am once again meeting my FOOT campmates tmr for post FOOT at Sentosa. I have been sick lately so I have to be careful with my diet tmr... Eating with friends can mean alot of peer pressure which leads to bad meals and tummy go pain pain. Then again, I havent exactly been eating healthy. I have practically been surviving on two or even one meal per day. Havent exactly got the best appetite.

Anyway, I have only recently found out that Jocelyn, one of my camp buddies, is actually not a senior. She IS a freshie!! I wonder why no one has pointed this out to me since I have posted about her being a "non-freshie" in my poem itself. So, I guess I have to change that verse now... Will probably post it at the end of this post. (if I actually have some inspiration cause well, it's kinda late already...)

Owells, I met up with my friend Santosh yesterday. It was a good outing. I still cant believe that he is going to leave Singapore already... :(( Will miss him and all his nonsense and all his bullying (or is it mine?) Haha. Anyway, I will miss him, I'd give him that.

Can't wait for post FOOT which will happen in just a few hours.. I should better get some sleep cause I have to wake up earlier than usual. Ok, let me source for some inspiration now....

Magician Jocelyn's amazing,

disappeared mysteriously after cycling.

She apeared again on the 5th day

when we found out who was the fake.

Done nights peeps!