I finally thought of the word to describe her- DEHUMANIZING
The manipulative mind of hers, obvious to all. Can you imagine the fear she induces by showing blatantly that mind. My only escape was in my skull. Thousands of electrical impulses, for those moments when my eyes seem glued to hers, directed straight in the bridge of her nose. Yet, just a millimeter away, fear pulls them all back. I feel electrocuted.
She addresses everyone. But, from the subtleness of her words, I could feel the phrases pierce me. Bias. It was so evident that even if you have absolutely no neurons, your hair would stand on its ends. If the girls did well, there would hardly be praises. Girls had to be good, for the guys to follow. Guys were okay, guys do their best, and girls don’t. If girls tried their best and were still bad, girls were just lousy and stupid. Skits were taboo. She never wore skirts. In her defense, sometimes she wasn’t in a biased mood. Those times, everyone was lousy and stupid.
She unleashes her true self only after she has the young ones in the palms of her hands, like a Venus fly trap. Every phloem and xylem dilated on Friday and in a quick snap, they were caught. All 32 of them. I tried to be the mediator. No, I was actually just a tape recorder, repeating what the past suffers said. I was sure I hardly meant the noises I made. I wondered if the past were recorders too. Maybe I’ve created a few new DVDs for the following generation. However, I know, what I unspool onto those white screens are necessary for the survival of our kind.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Caged
am in the mood to be a total bitch today. have you ever had like this gush of feelings that dont go away until you find a place for them to leak out of you? yeap i had that, hence im here now.
wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.
im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.
today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.
ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-
oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.
i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!
I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.
tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.
im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.
Caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.
I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.
I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.
I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.
wanted to actually dimish the bloggie feel by playing spider solitair and blog surfing, but apprently, they failed. and after procrastinating for about, i dont know, 15mins? i just couldn't stand the uncomfortable feeling inside and decided to just suck it up and let it out.
im gonna be really candid today. its not that i had a very terrible day. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep, hence tiredness. but isnt it ironic that i refuse to go to bed today? oh and i have yet to sms my friend about tmr. but i guess i'll do so after this post. i know irresponsible. but for now, i couldnt care less.
today my friend kinda annouced to the class to hand in out "chem stuff" in the most satirical tone ever, just because i decided to hand up my other assignment that was 2 days late. i know this is gonna make me sound like the abosolute ass hole but, wells. of course these were not my thoughts once it happened, but now, comming to think of it... being a leader is to take all the crap and shit that comes flying to your face, in your face, at your face aint it? its not that i havent had my fair share of gruesome smudges. deal with it.
ok, maybe i should have handed it in on time, or at least hand it in myself. not that it did not occurred to me. i did want to ask her if i should hand it in myself when i passed the assignment to her, but then she made the annoucement. *roll my eyes* ok, i know i sound really bitchy, but anyways. she did apologise for "losing [her] temper" (as quoted), but owels, moving on-
oh, i just realised what i came online for... to finish the lit poem analysis... guess that will have to wait, again. dang dont know what im doing man. i guess im like just soo tired of not doing well for my tests. some people may say that im not doing well. some may say that i just have high expectations. *roll my eyes again* apprently, my expectations of myself is slipping together with my performance like a viscious cycle. working hard is just only a word with no meaning anymore.
i've always believed that working hard is not equivalent to good grades (as optimistic as that sounds), but not working hard is definitely equivalent to bad ones. (im not sure if i mispelled equivalent. see? signs of failing GP) this SUCKS!
I CAN FEEL ALL THIS HUGE EMOTIONS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AS I TYPE BUT i dont see my self moving at all, except my fingers and the occasional movements of the wrist to reach a far 'key'. the serenity that fools all about the impending storm. yea, the F word is most definitely popping in my head now.
tmr's track and field day. then the school hols begin, after choir ends.time to buck up on all my subjects, as much as i want a nice week off. i can see my brain melting in the most graphic senarios.
im tired, after letting off all those emotions. need a rest promto, but, of course, after my shower and after my hair dries. oh and i need to update my friends about tmr before she sleeps.
Caged
I woke up to a peanut at my face.
Breakfast! I thought, what kind souls.
Soon the peanut disappears into a sea of acid,
My sea of acid.
I looked around to a world of bright light and smiles.
A positive change from where I laid my head before.
Showered with more alarm clocks, I was god.
With a twitch of my fingers and a gulp,
The faces, oddly differing in shapes, cheered.
I was satisfied with their prayers.
With offerings in hand, I ordered
For the peanuts to fly to my subjects.
They scurried away. The same spider-webbed look.
I reached out but the massive metal monster separates the Holy
From the despised.
Sad little creatures. No freedom. All being dressed.
All caged up.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
In hot soup
In hot soup
I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.
Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.
I never liked mum’s tomato soup.
A sea of red, misplaced from a teacher’s pen,
Served hot on cruel white china.
With every gulp, the chilies stinging sensation
Cheats off the faint smell of cinnamon.
Steam blurs the vision but still the taste of
Pepper’s prominent under the confusion of ingredients.
Desperate for a cup of water.
Still in clothes with a tie and crest,
Your neck rolls down cold sweat
Just as mother’s eyes do as she slices the onion.
Scream. Mother cuts her beating finger and my blood dripped.
My head bows down lower silently.
I find myself swimming in mum’s soup.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Will I ever get there
Will I ever get there
am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.
i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat
am in the middle of the ocean
surrounded by overbearing waves
i see my destination ahead
just a wet graveyard away.
i screamed in my head
i pictured the smiles shinning soaked
raised my arms and sank
not trying to stay afloat
Saturday, March 05, 2011
13.49min!!!!
but gonna post something so that my blog doesnt die or herbinate at least. life's getting boring. not breathless cause i cant find the motivation yet to push myself. A level results were released today. felt tingly for the moment but lost it soon.
2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)
have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)
2.4km time trial today. ran 13.49min. very satisfied with my timing since i was like talking to myself in my head, telling me to hurry up and that i can do it. see, i told all of you that i work well with praises! but it was only after running that i know A was 14.30min, not 14. could have paced myself to have more breaths per sec. owells. am still happy with my run :)
have got many things on my mind these few weeks that i havent blogged but never had the umph to do so. hahas. kays, its late already. shall snooze soon (alliteration!), after im done with my game :)
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