Flashing back

I'm flashing back and I keep flashing back. I'm still bewildered with what happened and why what happened. You apologized and I tell myself "it's ok, it's over." My throat is like Poland. Choking on the war between the two stronger powers of words and tears. 

And I keep flashing back- to the time when I looked for your shadow as I hear the dreadful "ping!"- to the time when I got up to get my slippers to chase after you. It was so easy, because my heavy distraught body was lifted by mom's angelic hands. I looked at her and shook my head. "I can't believe he did that"

My sister asked what happened. My dad said to go do some exercise. My mom objectified the situation. But I was a blank so "shut up!"

And I bawled my eyes out. 

My brother's simple gesture of tissue giving. My sister's little goodnight kiss. I smiled in my sleep. 

It's another work day again and I can't stop flashing back. 

I have another slice of you please

I'm starting to feel as though I may love you more than you know and more than you do to me. This is scary and I feel as though I need to reel my feelings in. Being utterly vulnerable to someone else isn't as good as I thought. It pays off when you see the other happy but we don't seem to be very happy all the time. I feel like we may fight more than I feel is necessary due to so many miscommunication. 

This isn't the first time I felt this way. We had fought quite abit a few months back. But at that time, I wasn't as invested in you as I am now. Then, it was easier to let go of you. But now, it would be like driving a stake into my chest. The fights did paid off we us knowing each other better and understanding more of ourselves.

I'm doubting how much it really paid off now since we're back to our little fights. I hate it. I hate them. It chokes me up with chains of attachment just thinking about it. 

You used to fear me having to take a 5min walk home back by myself but you're fine now with me going back myself in an hour journey. I do understand the long trips home you have to take after sending me. It's just rather sad that you no longer worry as much when I'm craving for your affection more. 

I desire your affection like a moth desires the flame of a candle. I seems self destructive but the joy of the light, your light, is... Perfect. 

I want you to hug me Everytime you see me like how I fantasize hugging you so tight when we meet. I want you to smother me with kisses like you are grooming me with love. I want you to not feel afraid to make fools of ourselves when we go out together. I want more. I want more of you.