today, on my way for math tuition was agitation before tears. i dont know how something so trival and supposedly fixed could blow up so much emotions in one little girl. i dont understand why and i dont know what i want anymore. i know im someone who expects alot back from another, but now i dont even know what to expect.
please find your way back. the real you.
今天佳玲的天气-雨天
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
my intestines
i think its just a gut feeling that something is just not right. smth deep inside. i guess you should understand why.
Friday, June 25, 2010
不要再闹失踪了！
哇，真的是不骂不行！
不死心的我又很厚脸皮地问了他。但他确实还是不回答。真的从来没看过比他婆妈的男人了。这次，我试试对着他双眼问他，但却发现我做不到。我也发现他跟我说话时，一样没有举头望我。这种尴尬，若不是有jiawei如此强烈的说话能力，一定会让我再次有个失望的一晚。所以，今天部落格里所要写的，不单单是要好好的骂他如此笨拙幼稚的处事方法，而也要好好地谢谢我的数学补习老师。
把心情说出来真好。虽然他还是无法给我一个满意的答案，但我现在不再在乎了。因为，我们真的好好地坐下来谈（因该说我坐他站）。这次，他不再跑了（因为没地方可跑）。而以我个人认为，今天我们之间的尴尬减少了许多。
我问了他：“我们之间真的要继续这样下去吗？”原来把话题扯开，开始说别人的是非是他的答案。我对此也非常的满意。我能说，今晚，我已找到了我失散半年的好朋友。
好了，别一直称赞jiawei了。虽然他的确帮了我不少，但若继续下去，他必飞上天。但是，如果在此停笔会显得写得有点少，所以除了骂与称赞之外还是骂。
不知什么鬼灵感尽然在自己的部落格里写了个情书出来！里头还有我的几句名言！昨天一边很开心的写，一边很开心的读，一边很开心的挨骂。今天因该轮到我了吧！写什么情书嘛！没事做是不是？用这些时间好好的读书吧！头脑想太多，手指写太多，嘴巴念太多，耳朵得挨的自然会多！
今晚的心情比前两天好一点。从他们的身上能看到友情的珍贵。这两个瓜子在我生命中非常重要，所以我认为有个很大的必要再次呼吁两件事-给jiawei的：“情书少写为妙，今天不准再动笔。”与给他的：“不要再闹失踪了！”
不死心的我又很厚脸皮地问了他。但他确实还是不回答。真的从来没看过比他婆妈的男人了。这次，我试试对着他双眼问他，但却发现我做不到。我也发现他跟我说话时，一样没有举头望我。这种尴尬，若不是有jiawei如此强烈的说话能力，一定会让我再次有个失望的一晚。所以，今天部落格里所要写的，不单单是要好好的骂他如此笨拙幼稚的处事方法，而也要好好地谢谢我的数学补习老师。
把心情说出来真好。虽然他还是无法给我一个满意的答案，但我现在不再在乎了。因为，我们真的好好地坐下来谈（因该说我坐他站）。这次，他不再跑了（因为没地方可跑）。而以我个人认为，今天我们之间的尴尬减少了许多。
我问了他：“我们之间真的要继续这样下去吗？”原来把话题扯开，开始说别人的是非是他的答案。我对此也非常的满意。我能说，今晚，我已找到了我失散半年的好朋友。
好了，别一直称赞jiawei了。虽然他的确帮了我不少，但若继续下去，他必飞上天。但是，如果在此停笔会显得写得有点少，所以除了骂与称赞之外还是骂。
不知什么鬼灵感尽然在自己的部落格里写了个情书出来！里头还有我的几句名言！昨天一边很开心的写，一边很开心的读，一边很开心的挨骂。今天因该轮到我了吧！写什么情书嘛！没事做是不是？用这些时间好好的读书吧！头脑想太多，手指写太多，嘴巴念太多，耳朵得挨的自然会多！
今晚的心情比前两天好一点。从他们的身上能看到友情的珍贵。这两个瓜子在我生命中非常重要，所以我认为有个很大的必要再次呼吁两件事-给jiawei的：“情书少写为妙，今天不准再动笔。”与给他的：“不要再闹失踪了！”
Thursday, June 24, 2010
you still ran away
looking back on what i've written yesterday i couldnt believe i had the strength to bear myself out and be so vulnerable infront of another via the internet. although it may not be face to face, but it was a starting point for me to head towards confronting the problem.
but maybe, confronting the problem is not the way to go? cause to put yourself out there only brings in disapointment when you dont get what you expected.
i guess when i wrote my post yesterday, i wanted nick to see it deep in my heart. as in i did not expect it, but honestly, i wanted it so. and i did get what i wished for. and more. what i did not expect was him to find out too, much less be bombarded with nick's voice over this.
i've heard from nick what he had to say but i guess i was just abit disapointed that he couldnt come up to me and confront me like a friend. instead he had to go through all that hardwork to act as if we were strangers. like i've said, pretentious- not a thing desirable.
i decided to confront him today. i expected a long walk home with him so that i had ample time to ask and get to the truth of it. but this plan was destroyed when math spoiled the day. but i still decided to confront him nevertheless. i needed to be true to myself and hear it from his lips for i value this friendship very very much.
I CANT BELIEVE HE STILL RAN AWAY even after hearing what i had said on my blog! i thought he would at least say smth useful, but i did not even recieve the most basic simple courtesy of a look in the eye.
i remember he telling me a story, when we were very close. a story about a boy and a girl who used to watch the sun set/rise on a hill but ended up crossing roads without a wave. you told me it was heart wrenching. how do you think i feel now??
i just receive a call from him. unexpected, but not initiated by him. on the phone, we had nothing to say to each other. i doubt he felt anth towards that conversation from his tone of voice, but i hung up before he did. just in case any one of the tears would betray me and my vocals.
i dont know how long i must keep up with the charades. i know he's done smth, but he still do not want to admit it. what am i to do now? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how you felt? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how I felt?
do i have to learn to constantly hang up the phone sooner than how i wanted the conversation to last? do i have to learn to be contented, the purpose unachieved, with the amount of useless info you do not regard to share? cause this kind of friendship is wearing me out. i just dont understand why you dont want to face the problem.
i dont know if you would see this post like you've done with the last. but if you do, i really do want to finish our forsaken conversation. i dont know what i would say, so i also do wish to leave the talking to you. maybe you could enlighten me. and maybe we can find a solution to this friendship and make it UNpretentious.
but maybe, confronting the problem is not the way to go? cause to put yourself out there only brings in disapointment when you dont get what you expected.
i guess when i wrote my post yesterday, i wanted nick to see it deep in my heart. as in i did not expect it, but honestly, i wanted it so. and i did get what i wished for. and more. what i did not expect was him to find out too, much less be bombarded with nick's voice over this.
i've heard from nick what he had to say but i guess i was just abit disapointed that he couldnt come up to me and confront me like a friend. instead he had to go through all that hardwork to act as if we were strangers. like i've said, pretentious- not a thing desirable.
i decided to confront him today. i expected a long walk home with him so that i had ample time to ask and get to the truth of it. but this plan was destroyed when math spoiled the day. but i still decided to confront him nevertheless. i needed to be true to myself and hear it from his lips for i value this friendship very very much.
I CANT BELIEVE HE STILL RAN AWAY even after hearing what i had said on my blog! i thought he would at least say smth useful, but i did not even recieve the most basic simple courtesy of a look in the eye.
i remember he telling me a story, when we were very close. a story about a boy and a girl who used to watch the sun set/rise on a hill but ended up crossing roads without a wave. you told me it was heart wrenching. how do you think i feel now??
i just receive a call from him. unexpected, but not initiated by him. on the phone, we had nothing to say to each other. i doubt he felt anth towards that conversation from his tone of voice, but i hung up before he did. just in case any one of the tears would betray me and my vocals.
i dont know how long i must keep up with the charades. i know he's done smth, but he still do not want to admit it. what am i to do now? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how you felt? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how I felt?
do i have to learn to constantly hang up the phone sooner than how i wanted the conversation to last? do i have to learn to be contented, the purpose unachieved, with the amount of useless info you do not regard to share? cause this kind of friendship is wearing me out. i just dont understand why you dont want to face the problem.
i dont know if you would see this post like you've done with the last. but if you do, i really do want to finish our forsaken conversation. i dont know what i would say, so i also do wish to leave the talking to you. maybe you could enlighten me. and maybe we can find a solution to this friendship and make it UNpretentious.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
我把我的手指给交叉了
失去朋友的痛，虽然没有真正的自己体验过，但我认为我正散漫的一步一步接近它了。正不能相信如此亲密的朋友竟然能够无话可说，不对，应该是我有话说却不敢说，而他，可能都没有想说的意思。
记得我曾经对他说过，我们之间的友情若被时间的分离而慢慢疏远是可惜的。但现在，我再也没有这种想法了。疏远不是可惜，而是可悲、可哀的。真希望时间能倒转一下。我不知道我们的友情怎么会惨到这种地步。即使是疏远，也不可能这么的离谱。
明天又得见到你。看到你时，我不知道会不会有勇气与你说话，更不用说告诉你我的心情。你看起来好像不怎么在乎。若跟你谈心事，你会不会一口否认；把话题推开？你对此最擅长了。
一上学你就失踪了好一半年。一见面就如刚认识的朋友-尴尬到极点。就快要开学了。你应该又得失踪了、看起来你没什么选择。我们会在见面吗？见了会不会连朋友都不像，反而如陌生人一样-没见过。
省下不少天了。不知我想见你或不想见你。见你后，我都对我们的友情感到失望。不见你，却让我感到彼此根本没做朋友过。友情真的如此不能经得起考验吗？
我真的很害怕。我其他的友情会不会像我们这样的下场？
是你变了还是我改了？其实这对我并不重要，因为我们的友情很实在的改变了。相信这彼此都很清楚。连其他朋友都看得出，你这当事人应该没这么差劲。当我每次对你向前一步想抓住从前友情的一线光时，你总是缩进黑暗中。
干。这是我每次无意中被拒绝的感受。不好受。
五天。我只剩五天把心情告诉你。我只剩五天挽回我们的友情。我能成功吗？现在，我根本不在相信我的能力了。希望你能给我个满意的答案。 更希望我能把心事对你倾诉。
我把我的手指给交叉了。
记得我曾经对他说过，我们之间的友情若被时间的分离而慢慢疏远是可惜的。但现在，我再也没有这种想法了。疏远不是可惜，而是可悲、可哀的。真希望时间能倒转一下。我不知道我们的友情怎么会惨到这种地步。即使是疏远，也不可能这么的离谱。
明天又得见到你。看到你时，我不知道会不会有勇气与你说话，更不用说告诉你我的心情。你看起来好像不怎么在乎。若跟你谈心事，你会不会一口否认；把话题推开？你对此最擅长了。
一上学你就失踪了好一半年。一见面就如刚认识的朋友-尴尬到极点。就快要开学了。你应该又得失踪了、看起来你没什么选择。我们会在见面吗？见了会不会连朋友都不像，反而如陌生人一样-没见过。
省下不少天了。不知我想见你或不想见你。见你后，我都对我们的友情感到失望。不见你，却让我感到彼此根本没做朋友过。友情真的如此不能经得起考验吗？
我真的很害怕。我其他的友情会不会像我们这样的下场？
是你变了还是我改了？其实这对我并不重要，因为我们的友情很实在的改变了。相信这彼此都很清楚。连其他朋友都看得出，你这当事人应该没这么差劲。当我每次对你向前一步想抓住从前友情的一线光时，你总是缩进黑暗中。
干。这是我每次无意中被拒绝的感受。不好受。
五天。我只剩五天把心情告诉你。我只剩五天挽回我们的友情。我能成功吗？现在，我根本不在相信我的能力了。希望你能给我个满意的答案。 更希望我能把心事对你倾诉。
我把我的手指给交叉了。
Thursday, June 10, 2010
being 16++
i think im losing my direction, or focus or what so ever. i dont seem to know what im supposed to do. ok, i do. as in i know what i have to do to get smth good. but what is that something good?? things dont go my way any more. nope. when i want smth, it just doesnt come. as in, yea, i worked hard. at least in my opinion, i did my best. i've been honest, and maybe real answers dont appeal? the lies triumph??
seriously, i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. im not aiming high now. im not reaching high either. im trying to grasp to the basics but i just cant seem to touch it, much less grab it. i feel like im losing a battle i do not understand. or do not know of. its foriegn.
i... i dont know. damn. what am i suppose to do? now even i dont want to follow through my plans. today was supposedly a study day, but i wasted the entire time watching tv and being on the com.my friends asked me out for a mugging session. i dint go, thinking that i could study better by myself. but see where that got me to. tmr i need to wake up early for choir. but here i am blogging at the middle of the night. and i've yet to even shower.
sleeping is a neccessity. it gives you the time to run away from the world and everything that you have to face once those eyes open. dreaming about a perfect life. one that puts me out of misery.
sigh.. dont know what i have to do. loads of things undone.
-pa camp= yet to sign form, yet to pack bag
-choir recording= yet to pack stuff, yet to tell dad to send me to sch
-homework=yet to finish, yet to start on some
-revision=yet to finish, not even far from the start
i used to want to excel. in ALL aspects. i wanted to be all rounded. that was hard. but i did it. i had help and encouragement. from many. am i shunning them away? now? i just want to pass some of my exams. my ccas, just a member. i see my friends pushing their way through the crowd to be outstanding. to get a good profile. and me? just to do well to meet the criteria of the college. i can barely see the path to my desired career.
jc is such a drag. being 16++ sucks. and 17 will suck even more. and 18 will suck more than 17. and 19 will suck more than 18. and 20 wil...
dont let my life spiral into such a disaster. being the elite is far from sight. being the norm is hard to grasp. shall i just be myself? but ppl are so pretentious.i cant figure it out.
seriously, i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. im not aiming high now. im not reaching high either. im trying to grasp to the basics but i just cant seem to touch it, much less grab it. i feel like im losing a battle i do not understand. or do not know of. its foriegn.
i... i dont know. damn. what am i suppose to do? now even i dont want to follow through my plans. today was supposedly a study day, but i wasted the entire time watching tv and being on the com.my friends asked me out for a mugging session. i dint go, thinking that i could study better by myself. but see where that got me to. tmr i need to wake up early for choir. but here i am blogging at the middle of the night. and i've yet to even shower.
sleeping is a neccessity. it gives you the time to run away from the world and everything that you have to face once those eyes open. dreaming about a perfect life. one that puts me out of misery.
sigh.. dont know what i have to do. loads of things undone.
-pa camp= yet to sign form, yet to pack bag
-choir recording= yet to pack stuff, yet to tell dad to send me to sch
-homework=yet to finish, yet to start on some
-revision=yet to finish, not even far from the start
i used to want to excel. in ALL aspects. i wanted to be all rounded. that was hard. but i did it. i had help and encouragement. from many. am i shunning them away? now? i just want to pass some of my exams. my ccas, just a member. i see my friends pushing their way through the crowd to be outstanding. to get a good profile. and me? just to do well to meet the criteria of the college. i can barely see the path to my desired career.
jc is such a drag. being 16++ sucks. and 17 will suck even more. and 18 will suck more than 17. and 19 will suck more than 18. and 20 wil...
dont let my life spiral into such a disaster. being the elite is far from sight. being the norm is hard to grasp. shall i just be myself? but ppl are so pretentious.i cant figure it out.
Monday, June 07, 2010
teasing is a fun time
went out with nick shaoheng hanjun daphne and shuqin today. mostly because me and nick wanna tease hanjun and daphne. and i can clearly say that we did accomplish our task. :) that was fun. that was a fun time.
and then the baby (one of us) had to go home by 9pm so we all went to send him off. stayed at his house for round 20mins? his parents were not so in favour of that. he have 2 really cute gerbils though. :) loved playing with them. :D another fun time.
then came the not so fun time. we left and then i recieved a text saying i have to send in my gpp part by tmr morn. -.- so here i am now mugging through it to complete it on time. i know i shouldnt be using this precious time to blogg but hey, every girl needs a rest! have been doing for 2 hours now. need a break k!
yea, so end of story already. dont have the time/ energy/ mood to continue though. this is what gpp does to you. nitex everyone. cant wait to meet up with my clique.
and then the baby (one of us) had to go home by 9pm so we all went to send him off. stayed at his house for round 20mins? his parents were not so in favour of that. he have 2 really cute gerbils though. :) loved playing with them. :D another fun time.
then came the not so fun time. we left and then i recieved a text saying i have to send in my gpp part by tmr morn. -.- so here i am now mugging through it to complete it on time. i know i shouldnt be using this precious time to blogg but hey, every girl needs a rest! have been doing for 2 hours now. need a break k!
yea, so end of story already. dont have the time/ energy/ mood to continue though. this is what gpp does to you. nitex everyone. cant wait to meet up with my clique.
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