looking back on what i've written yesterday i couldnt believe i had the strength to bear myself out and be so vulnerable infront of another via the internet. although it may not be face to face, but it was a starting point for me to head towards confronting the problem.
but maybe, confronting the problem is not the way to go? cause to put yourself out there only brings in disapointment when you dont get what you expected.
i guess when i wrote my post yesterday, i wanted nick to see it deep in my heart. as in i did not expect it, but honestly, i wanted it so. and i did get what i wished for. and more. what i did not expect was him to find out too, much less be bombarded with nick's voice over this.
i've heard from nick what he had to say but i guess i was just abit disapointed that he couldnt come up to me and confront me like a friend. instead he had to go through all that hardwork to act as if we were strangers. like i've said, pretentious- not a thing desirable.
i decided to confront him today. i expected a long walk home with him so that i had ample time to ask and get to the truth of it. but this plan was destroyed when math spoiled the day. but i still decided to confront him nevertheless. i needed to be true to myself and hear it from his lips for i value this friendship very very much.
I CANT BELIEVE HE STILL RAN AWAY even after hearing what i had said on my blog! i thought he would at least say smth useful, but i did not even recieve the most basic simple courtesy of a look in the eye.
i remember he telling me a story, when we were very close. a story about a boy and a girl who used to watch the sun set/rise on a hill but ended up crossing roads without a wave. you told me it was heart wrenching. how do you think i feel now??
i just receive a call from him. unexpected, but not initiated by him. on the phone, we had nothing to say to each other. i doubt he felt anth towards that conversation from his tone of voice, but i hung up before he did. just in case any one of the tears would betray me and my vocals.
i dont know how long i must keep up with the charades. i know he's done smth, but he still do not want to admit it. what am i to do now? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how you felt? am i suppose to act like i've known nth about how I felt?
do i have to learn to constantly hang up the phone sooner than how i wanted the conversation to last? do i have to learn to be contented, the purpose unachieved, with the amount of useless info you do not regard to share? cause this kind of friendship is wearing me out. i just dont understand why you dont want to face the problem.
i dont know if you would see this post like you've done with the last. but if you do, i really do want to finish our forsaken conversation. i dont know what i would say, so i also do wish to leave the talking to you. maybe you could enlighten me. and maybe we can find a solution to this friendship and make it UNpretentious.
