Little Soul

Met up with friends yesterday and we were having quite a bit of fun until someone decides to make it serious. He suggested we went round the table and tell each other what we felt about each other. This was when I realised that I didn't say a bad thing about anyone. For those I am not close enough with, I felt I didn't know the person well enough to say anything bad. For those I am, I didn't feel that there was anything bad to say. I was puzzled at first but I found out why. Yes, everyone definitely have bad traits that annoy the shit out of their friends but I am selective. If I still choose you as my friend, it shows that I accept all your flaws. When I say accept, I mean the flaw is made so insignificant versus all the other traits I hold dear that it is just a part of who you are and even that part makes you special.

As we were going round the table, one of my friends was telling another about this bit that irritates him and others. He was being awfully blunt about it. It sucks that everyone was chiming in as well and I was soooooooo uncomfortable about it. There were many times I wanted to step in and say "yes yes, he knows already, there is no need for you guys to keep repeating it" but he seems to nod and agree and that made it hard for me to step in. Honestly, I didnt even think it was such a big deal. It is just what makes him him and if I continue my friendship with him, I work with that.

What made me even more uncomfortable was that the blunt friend then said, "oh it's Agnes's turn. I also have a lot to say about Agnes." It was as if what I was listening was my impending doom. I was the last at the table so I decided to take it like a strong independent woman. Old wounds were torn again and I don't understand why I let others tear me down like that. I think if I was confident enough about myself, I would not see what ever they say to make sense but to see that it was me and what makes me me. But alas.. It was made even harder to reject the notions with the friend saying that he will only be blunt to the friends he choose to keep. I don't know..

He is an amazing friend but I do not need this negativity in my life. I knew he was blunt but this is a small trade for his personality and companionship. Acceptance is huge with me.

I am my biggest critique. I do not need an external stimulus to show me what I already know. He may be close to everyone at that table but I was not and I was not comfortable at all with what was said, and how it was said, and where it was said, and to whom it was said in front of. This applies not only to me but everyone else.

I cried last night

Little Soul

We met yesterday as any other day, before dawn,

after dusk. You looked as how old would appear

in fatigue's silhouette. Scabs ripped and wounds

reopened by the fangs of another, permitted

to penetrate by your heart. I try my hand at the

bad sewing and offered five doses of a dozen sheep,

every one soaking up the congenial shame you bleed.

One, the words rerun.

Two, the cruel time spools.

Three, the flashbacks breathe.

Four, the story recalls.

Five, your jaded spirit dives
into every memory and with every memory, the
hallucinations come back with a new found volume of

sacrilegious vengeance.

Soon, what that did not once cause a tear will create

the downpour that drowns even the most defensive cactus.

Six minutes in and the girl who learned

to build her fortress of smiles is now the

same one cowering under the blanket.

Even teddy broke a sigh.

You, the luckless shattered soul, have no onus

to hear the cries I screech silent in my head.

Hush now, you are as young as I remembered;

as I pictured; as I find; as I think; as I dream.

You are as innocent as prison calls, as charming

as stars' glow at death. Hush now.

You know, the grand empires you conceive shall never truly

be safe and the majestic castles you raise shall never truly

protect when you are only hesitant to countenance
the entry of the unmelodious serpents.