todae i did alittle bit of thinking...
actualli i kinda find myself an easy going person. i dont ask for riches of the world, i dont ask all of attention (well, most of it but nt all), and i dont ask for much smarts. actualli come to think of it, all i wanted is juz people to treat me well. people to shower me with love.
im kind of a person who is kinda shortsighted (accidental pun..). i oni think of the day by it self. if sumone were to make me happy, it might juz make my dae and i would stay happy juz lyk tt. frens who know me would know this.. (i tink)
i also feel im someone who has moodswings very very often. if some one ignores me, i juz mite feel so sad i mite cry, yet if tt person turns around with a smile again, i would juz revert to my old happi self agn.. so to ppl whom i noe, if wen i tell you some of my feelings that may hurt u, its oni temporary lyk oni for tt instant, n in another instant, it wud b gone..
i noe some of past blogs may seem abit emo, n i said some tings which i may regret but i also realised that i dont regret stuff cos whateva i do, i noe its frm the bottom of my heart (at that moment at least)
havent actualli felt anth on sat. i was actualli quite numb. or was i acting numb. i noe im such a gud actor tt i sometymes decieve myself. no kid. been there done that. well on sat my mum paid serious attention to me. attending to my EVERY need. i tink she was worried tt i may break down. i acter cool. s if nth was happening. my eyes dint bleed but my heart cried. weird..
so 2 days after sat, todae, i was spending the whole nite playing songs over and over again. well love songs aver n aver n aver again. playing playing mistake, shit, restart... playing playing playing mistake, damn, restart. i realised that mistakes ive nvr make b4 started appearing one by one phrase by phrase. stupid fingers. my eyes stayed on the scores, on the notes, the cords, the melody..
then it shifted to the lyrics. mouth, shut up. my heart couldnt take it anymore. i nid to smhw clam that childish 15 years plus 1 month plus 19 days kid down. den i tot aint singing the answer to everything that happened before? so the mouth decided not to shut up anymore. the sound came out. wow, what a nice wrong move. juz a few seconds later, my mouth started to quaver and my cheeks became hot red and my nose stuffy n my eyes teary. so tt aint working. i cnt do tis. my mouth then slowly closed it freaking gap. and the tears randown bac inwards. it felt horrible. i tink tts why tears r meant to fall outwards.
i cn juz feel it. the 100 pounds tear drop rolled down the inside of my cheek and hit onto my heart. it cracked, weakened, unable to withstand anth else. but before it could recover, another 100 pounds tear drop hit it again. crashing my heart. the meteor shower of hot blazing tears dashed down upon that fragile pumping tingy. the glassbits shattered in to smaller glass bits, all prickly and dangerous. any one if them had the potential to cut an important vessel and end my life.
"its funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little peices" i finally understand what it means. hahas. i once bought a 3D puzzel. it was a heart. i made it long ago. and was able to undo n do it again. but ever since i met him, i was unable to undo it ever again, tt is until saturday. i dont understand why. its juz weird. there was this key puizzel piece that holds everything together but i was juz unable to take it out as it was locked in. but den on sat, it was juz so easy to take it out.
after removing the key piece, i saw the heart. i held it in my hands. this is my heart, that peice is him. what will happen if i stopped controling hw my heart should feel? i let go of the puzzle heart. almost immediately, the heart fell into peices all over my table. i picked up each piece and started to piece them together. slowly, the heart gained shape. then i found a broken piece of the puzzle still left on my table after the puzzle was peiced back. looks lyk i wont ever find out where that peice should be. see, a scare, a hole left there. my heart aint complete now.
i fit the heart between two objects, without the key peice. now one object is me, the other is him. what will happen if one of them moved away? lyk in real life? i moved one away. the heart once again was about to crash. but this time, in order for me not to waste tym "recovering" it again, i saved it in held it safely in my arms. is tis wat im doing rite now in real life?? controling my feelings so that i dont get hurt? i want to let go but i refused to put the key peice back into the heart. i dont know why, i juz dint want to do it. so i left it once more on my table between two objects and turned away.
then, i realised the key peice was missing, frantically, i went to look for it. finally, i found it. i felt so relieved lyk a burden was lifted. i looked at it. i put it infront of the heart, as if lyk a reminder to slot it in when i finally want to. for 10 whole mins, i stared at it. then, i juz walked away from the table.
i so want to let go of my heart and cry lyk ive nvr cried b4. i want to stop acting indifferent for the sake of my parents, frens and him. i want them to know im sad. im very very very sad. but i juz cnt doit. i want to flood everyone, everything in my way. wash it away. farenheit451 tells me tt fire is a wonderful ting, it detroys responsibilities, sadness, everything. well, water wins fire. i want as flood. a flood so big thateverything will be wiped away. washed away. leaving a pure white blank peice of paper to let me restart everything.
"so i was borned..." this would be my starting. yeap. the pheonix. burns itself up and reborns again. a new life. wow. if oni i cud do tt. but if i reali create a dreadful tsunami, i'll still be me, and oni a new chapter will be formed. tittled "a new begining, yet no end." could there be a start wifout an end? yes? no?
this is juz pathetic. very pathetic.omg im tearing. mayb cos my parents told me to stop whateva im doing nw n start studying. i refused. i want to do this. im hardly tt defiant. but no. i stand firm. tmr, tmr will be the day i restart. today, everything will be washed no more 100 pound tears crashing my heart anymore. no. nth is allowed to hurt me anymore. pls let my emotions flow..
tt is if i cn make myself cry. it would be a gud cry. a gud long cry in the middle of the nite. i wish i cn cry. damn, the tears dint come out agn... it juz went bac in. ouch... ouch... it hurts real bad.
so i dont know how to end this. im still waiting for him to contact me. wen he dint tell me the tym of the flight, i was sad, then crappy. i felt tt it was juz a pathetic excuse. then, i felt bad. excruxiating. he did it for me. but y dint he giv me a choice to do smth for him??
i want him to call me. my fone is still waiting. every sms n call i gt, i gt excited, oni to be disapointed once agn... s in wen i realised it my frens im nt tt disapointed juz, well sad... hw long does he want to keep me waiting?? waiting's nt gud. i stared at the stars yesterday...~
