it has been so fast i could hardly catch my breath. it has been two months since we got together, the day which i gave my first kiss to a guy who is not related to me whatsoever. last month, it was so sweet i cant get myslf to forget. this month? i have no idea. we'll see.
today was my school's student leaders investiture. it was nice.
agnes lee - funco student councillor
agnes lee - choir cca councillor
agnes lee - PA/AVA cca councillor EXCO
hahas. three times! i think i made history in my school. hahas. enough bragging. today it was all RI RI RI.. met kailun and naishad AGAIN in my school. met them last year too during our investiture. they are funni. and highly ammusing. its lyk wen u say "i AM adorable RITE?!" and then stare. they will go yea... yea... then its lyk realli fun wen they beg for us to show them the route back to their bags cos they had been running all over the school finding for it. hahas. i noe, it was a little bit evil of me to leave them to themselves in our highly confusing school. but owels. it was fun while it lasted. both of them had been wonderful guests and are fabulous friends. cheers to a everlasting friendship!
When spring arrives
its spring.
winter's over.
ice turns back into water.
the river rushes.
as it hits a sharp rock.
bleeding.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
My sec sch valentines
My secondary school valentine.
On my 1st year, i spent my valentines rejecting love.
On my 2nd year, i spent my valentines recieving love.
On my 3rd year, i spent my valentines giving love.
This year, i spent my valentines longing for love.
On my 1st year, i spent my valentines rejecting love.
On my 2nd year, i spent my valentines recieving love.
On my 3rd year, i spent my valentines giving love.
This year, i spent my valentines longing for love.
This valentine
This valentines
I wandered over the ocean
Searching for the sea
I’ve seen so many faces
Yet not a glimpse of me
Your pictures all over my wall
Hung to, by a tact
It seems that I’m denying
The cold and cruel fact
That you are gone and you are lost
At somewhere far away
The calendar’s torn, the clocked ticked
There goes another day
The day you went, I cannot forget
My present to you, a kiss
But you went off not even leaving
A goodbye that I’ll miss
This valentine, I was alone.
I wandered over the ocean
Searching for the sea
I’ve seen so many faces
Yet not a glimpse of me
Your pictures all over my wall
Hung to, by a tact
It seems that I’m denying
The cold and cruel fact
That you are gone and you are lost
At somewhere far away
The calendar’s torn, the clocked ticked
There goes another day
The day you went, I cannot forget
My present to you, a kiss
But you went off not even leaving
A goodbye that I’ll miss
This valentine, I was alone.
Friday, February 13, 2009
King of (My) heart
lastweek has been a rather agonizing week for me. was thinking of him almost everyday, all the time. i even broke down during PE yesterday. damn it did not feel good. owels. im feeling much better today. cos he wrote "Wen Jie. If she were here...if life were a pack of cards, she would be the queen of (my) heart..." as his display name. LOVING IT!! i told him that "i promise that my pack of cards, will never have the king of hearts missing. for it will stay in my heart."
oh yea, im going for RMUN'09!! to relive the wonderous days. wanted to go for SCGSIMUNC (Singapore Chinese Girls School International Model United Nations Conference) but am going overseas for immersion programme. have to skip my choir practices too... cos its in the march hols.sighs.
hey, tmrs valentines day:
i wish i wish i wish i wish
i think of hugs i love i miss (when in bed i lay)
i dream i hope i pray i plea
i wonder if i'll get a kiss (when it is valentines day)
owels. on tuesday, my cher made us disect eyes for bio. the smell was bad. and as one of the "short" one. i was to be in the front....
the eye seems so innocent. showing you the big eye look pleading you not to cut it... aww... but wat the heck. here cums the scissors.
its lyk a fishball. -.- tried to cut with a scissors
trying really hard to cut the eye. it did not work, tried poking it.
see all the apparatus being used and still NOT sucessful in cutting it.
muscles and fats removed from the eye. muscles dont feel hard. i tink the owner of the eye dd not hav any six pacs...
pratyusha with the smelly eye ball.
*background show classmates enjoying the finally cut eyeball*
lens of the eye...~~~
shuyang holding the front of the eye. she looks lyk she is going to eat it. Don't do it shuyang! its not chou dou fu. it does not taste good at all!!
oh yea, im going for RMUN'09!! to relive the wonderous days. wanted to go for SCGSIMUNC (Singapore Chinese Girls School International Model United Nations Conference) but am going overseas for immersion programme. have to skip my choir practices too... cos its in the march hols.sighs.
hey, tmrs valentines day:
i wish i wish i wish i wish
i think of hugs i love i miss (when in bed i lay)
i dream i hope i pray i plea
i wonder if i'll get a kiss (when it is valentines day)
owels. on tuesday, my cher made us disect eyes for bio. the smell was bad. and as one of the "short" one. i was to be in the front....
the eye seems so innocent. showing you the big eye look pleading you not to cut it... aww... but wat the heck. here cums the scissors.
its lyk a fishball. -.- tried to cut with a scissors
trying really hard to cut the eye. it did not work, tried poking it.
see all the apparatus being used and still NOT sucessful in cutting it.
muscles and fats removed from the eye. muscles dont feel hard. i tink the owner of the eye dd not hav any six pacs...
pratyusha with the smelly eye ball.
*background show classmates enjoying the finally cut eyeball*
lens of the eye...~~~
shuyang holding the front of the eye. she looks lyk she is going to eat it. Don't do it shuyang! its not chou dou fu. it does not taste good at all!!
Saturday, February 07, 2009
he came onl9!
HE JUZ CAME ONL9!! ohh me gosh. i was soooo happi a huge smile grew on my face. i cud juz feel it. every muscle moving, from a force deep within. cobwebs formed on that indifferent face fell as a smile took shape. it was one of the most wonderful feelings i had since saturday.
i told him hw much i missed him and he did say tt too. he seemed to feel bad bout missing the french kiss i planed to plant on him on the day of his departure. however, he went offl9 agn wifout saying gudbye. tis is the second tym. it hurt juz s much s the first. i hope there wont be a third. i cant take it anymore.
still, im missing him. hope his fone over dere gets connected quick. im still missing you. want to hear yr voice sooo much.
i told him hw much i missed him and he did say tt too. he seemed to feel bad bout missing the french kiss i planed to plant on him on the day of his departure. however, he went offl9 agn wifout saying gudbye. tis is the second tym. it hurt juz s much s the first. i hope there wont be a third. i cant take it anymore.
still, im missing him. hope his fone over dere gets connected quick. im still missing you. want to hear yr voice sooo much.
Friday, February 06, 2009
wet n dry..eww~
hahas. im very bored now. i feel that dry days aint that bad anymore. as in, sure the sun may shoot rays onto you and make you feel all wet inside with your blood and everything. you know you want to sweat cos "the water from inside the sweat evaporates which absorbs latent heat of evaporization from you body, causing a cooling effect" (as quoted from Mrs Joseph.) hope ya understand my analogy...~~
but sweating doesnt do much help either. theres lyk so many more ways for you to lose "heat". afew days ago, i so wanted to cry. even in school cos sum1 reminded me bout it. (dont worry Prat, i wont say that you are the one... hahas. kiddin)owels. let me tell you sum ways i tried to make myself cry when i could not. i wanted to cry so much that i had to resort to these.
in school, i wanted to cry. but the tears wont come out. so i turned away from my frens. i hid my face so that dey wont know what i was doing. so i opened my eyes wide. very wide. i dint want toblink. i juz held dem dere and let the dust go in as the searing pain starts to take over. i was thinking that if i did start to cry (man-made) i would be able to cry out of emotions after that. however it did not work. so i teared. i lifted myhead to show to my frens and dey were lyk "yeah you did it!!"
then i waited. so cry now! cry by yrself., cry lyk youve nvr cried b4. hrm.. nth. looks lyk its oni tearing, not crying.
then at home. i suddenly feel lyk sneezing. wen i did, i realised i teared. i tot it cud be a way.. so i made myself sneeze. (it wasnt difficult since i did hav a sensitive nose. most tings makes me sneeze) so i sneezed and i teared. i sneezed n sneezed n sneezed. n teared n teared n teared. still no cryin..
i gave up after that, mostly cos i was feeling too sick and tired to do so. the next day, i went to school with a stuffy nose n blood shot eyes. i felt cold the whole day n my humid, humid classroom. so that was not very nice.
owels. i feel that i dont hav to cry. im ok wif it oredi, i tink. haiz. i still miss him. everyday, EVERYday, i would hold, hug, feel, listen 2 the $99 teddybear. i would feel his heartbeat, listen to him saying i love you. i would imagine his hugs(miss that soo much that i actualli sat on my bed and hugg the teddy bear for one hour one day.. n dint notice it until it was ten oclock.), and feel his hand gripping on to mine. (the coldness of his hand, since he dint hav any warmth in it, he said its becos he was shy, but it still works for me.)
im still wondering when he will contact me. aint there smth called the phone in china? heyy dude, china has one of the fastest growing economy! (juz lyk india. hahas. little india in rmun'08) i bet they hav fones. anyways, there is aso smth called msn, sms, email, postage. darling, u juz hav to choose 1. u promised me u wud call me everyday. looks lyk you are not keeping your promise. how nice of you.
ohh. tokin bout rmun, i mite be going for rmun'09. but tis year instead of sending in 4 countries, my sch decided to choose the best group only. so, i hope i gt in. mani are trying to gt hold of the seats. hahas. but the cher-in-charge gav me, nic and matin the honor of choosing the members. so we oni need 2 more people. but i tink if i do manage to gt ppl wif better potential den me, i sudnt be so selfish. i feel that experience in rmun is important, but it is aso fair that other people gt their chance to experience it. hahas. mayb i'll let the bois choose instead.
still waiting. but, now, more paitiently, yet, more bitterly still.
but sweating doesnt do much help either. theres lyk so many more ways for you to lose "heat". afew days ago, i so wanted to cry. even in school cos sum1 reminded me bout it. (dont worry Prat, i wont say that you are the one... hahas. kiddin)owels. let me tell you sum ways i tried to make myself cry when i could not. i wanted to cry so much that i had to resort to these.
in school, i wanted to cry. but the tears wont come out. so i turned away from my frens. i hid my face so that dey wont know what i was doing. so i opened my eyes wide. very wide. i dint want toblink. i juz held dem dere and let the dust go in as the searing pain starts to take over. i was thinking that if i did start to cry (man-made) i would be able to cry out of emotions after that. however it did not work. so i teared. i lifted myhead to show to my frens and dey were lyk "yeah you did it!!"
then i waited. so cry now! cry by yrself., cry lyk youve nvr cried b4. hrm.. nth. looks lyk its oni tearing, not crying.
then at home. i suddenly feel lyk sneezing. wen i did, i realised i teared. i tot it cud be a way.. so i made myself sneeze. (it wasnt difficult since i did hav a sensitive nose. most tings makes me sneeze) so i sneezed and i teared. i sneezed n sneezed n sneezed. n teared n teared n teared. still no cryin..
i gave up after that, mostly cos i was feeling too sick and tired to do so. the next day, i went to school with a stuffy nose n blood shot eyes. i felt cold the whole day n my humid, humid classroom. so that was not very nice.
owels. i feel that i dont hav to cry. im ok wif it oredi, i tink. haiz. i still miss him. everyday, EVERYday, i would hold, hug, feel, listen 2 the $99 teddybear. i would feel his heartbeat, listen to him saying i love you. i would imagine his hugs(miss that soo much that i actualli sat on my bed and hugg the teddy bear for one hour one day.. n dint notice it until it was ten oclock.), and feel his hand gripping on to mine. (the coldness of his hand, since he dint hav any warmth in it, he said its becos he was shy, but it still works for me.)
im still wondering when he will contact me. aint there smth called the phone in china? heyy dude, china has one of the fastest growing economy! (juz lyk india. hahas. little india in rmun'08) i bet they hav fones. anyways, there is aso smth called msn, sms, email, postage. darling, u juz hav to choose 1. u promised me u wud call me everyday. looks lyk you are not keeping your promise. how nice of you.
ohh. tokin bout rmun, i mite be going for rmun'09. but tis year instead of sending in 4 countries, my sch decided to choose the best group only. so, i hope i gt in. mani are trying to gt hold of the seats. hahas. but the cher-in-charge gav me, nic and matin the honor of choosing the members. so we oni need 2 more people. but i tink if i do manage to gt ppl wif better potential den me, i sudnt be so selfish. i feel that experience in rmun is important, but it is aso fair that other people gt their chance to experience it. hahas. mayb i'll let the bois choose instead.
still waiting. but, now, more paitiently, yet, more bitterly still.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
dry night
okay. so yesterday nite was dry. no tsunami, no flood, no rain, no drizzle, no leaks. nope it was juz blank stares at the television until 1 oclock. o wels. enough said bout tt topic.
yesterday nite, wen i was watching the tele at round 12.45-1.00am, i started to smell smth weird. its a little pungent, a little lyk a blazing fire, n alittle lyk a gas leak. so i wen to the kitchen to check but no. there was no smell. nth. so i decided to ignore it, but the smell became worse and almost suffocated me in the living room.
so i decided to go bac to bed since i do belief in a little bit of ghosts. bac in my bed, i dont know if it was my usual irritating nose or tt smth else, but it made me feel that breathing was so hard. damn. that was scary. i put the blanket above my head, not tt im scared or anth. u noe, if u do put yr blanket over yr head, it'll made breathing harder rite? but my blanket kinda lyk acted lyk a shield, protecting me frm wadeva's out there, and i managed to breathe better.
so that's the scary thingy...
i gtg study my ss nw, since i hav a time prac essay tmr... damn. hope i do well. wish me luck! :)
yesterday nite, wen i was watching the tele at round 12.45-1.00am, i started to smell smth weird. its a little pungent, a little lyk a blazing fire, n alittle lyk a gas leak. so i wen to the kitchen to check but no. there was no smell. nth. so i decided to ignore it, but the smell became worse and almost suffocated me in the living room.
so i decided to go bac to bed since i do belief in a little bit of ghosts. bac in my bed, i dont know if it was my usual irritating nose or tt smth else, but it made me feel that breathing was so hard. damn. that was scary. i put the blanket above my head, not tt im scared or anth. u noe, if u do put yr blanket over yr head, it'll made breathing harder rite? but my blanket kinda lyk acted lyk a shield, protecting me frm wadeva's out there, and i managed to breathe better.
so that's the scary thingy...
i gtg study my ss nw, since i hav a time prac essay tmr... damn. hope i do well. wish me luck! :)
Monday, February 02, 2009
so who am i?
todae i did alittle bit of thinking...
actualli i kinda find myself an easy going person. i dont ask for riches of the world, i dont ask all of attention (well, most of it but nt all), and i dont ask for much smarts. actualli come to think of it, all i wanted is juz people to treat me well. people to shower me with love.
im kind of a person who is kinda shortsighted (accidental pun..). i oni think of the day by it self. if sumone were to make me happy, it might juz make my dae and i would stay happy juz lyk tt. frens who know me would know this.. (i tink)
i also feel im someone who has moodswings very very often. if some one ignores me, i juz mite feel so sad i mite cry, yet if tt person turns around with a smile again, i would juz revert to my old happi self agn.. so to ppl whom i noe, if wen i tell you some of my feelings that may hurt u, its oni temporary lyk oni for tt instant, n in another instant, it wud b gone..
i noe some of past blogs may seem abit emo, n i said some tings which i may regret but i also realised that i dont regret stuff cos whateva i do, i noe its frm the bottom of my heart (at that moment at least)
havent actualli felt anth on sat. i was actualli quite numb. or was i acting numb. i noe im such a gud actor tt i sometymes decieve myself. no kid. been there done that. well on sat my mum paid serious attention to me. attending to my EVERY need. i tink she was worried tt i may break down. i acter cool. s if nth was happening. my eyes dint bleed but my heart cried. weird..
so 2 days after sat, todae, i was spending the whole nite playing songs over and over again. well love songs aver n aver n aver again. playing playing mistake, shit, restart... playing playing playing mistake, damn, restart. i realised that mistakes ive nvr make b4 started appearing one by one phrase by phrase. stupid fingers. my eyes stayed on the scores, on the notes, the cords, the melody..
then it shifted to the lyrics. mouth, shut up. my heart couldnt take it anymore. i nid to smhw clam that childish 15 years plus 1 month plus 19 days kid down. den i tot aint singing the answer to everything that happened before? so the mouth decided not to shut up anymore. the sound came out. wow, what a nice wrong move. juz a few seconds later, my mouth started to quaver and my cheeks became hot red and my nose stuffy n my eyes teary. so tt aint working. i cnt do tis. my mouth then slowly closed it freaking gap. and the tears randown bac inwards. it felt horrible. i tink tts why tears r meant to fall outwards.
i cn juz feel it. the 100 pounds tear drop rolled down the inside of my cheek and hit onto my heart. it cracked, weakened, unable to withstand anth else. but before it could recover, another 100 pounds tear drop hit it again. crashing my heart. the meteor shower of hot blazing tears dashed down upon that fragile pumping tingy. the glassbits shattered in to smaller glass bits, all prickly and dangerous. any one if them had the potential to cut an important vessel and end my life.
"its funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little peices" i finally understand what it means. hahas. i once bought a 3D puzzel. it was a heart. i made it long ago. and was able to undo n do it again. but ever since i met him, i was unable to undo it ever again, tt is until saturday. i dont understand why. its juz weird. there was this key puizzel piece that holds everything together but i was juz unable to take it out as it was locked in. but den on sat, it was juz so easy to take it out.
after removing the key piece, i saw the heart. i held it in my hands. this is my heart, that peice is him. what will happen if i stopped controling hw my heart should feel? i let go of the puzzle heart. almost immediately, the heart fell into peices all over my table. i picked up each piece and started to piece them together. slowly, the heart gained shape. then i found a broken piece of the puzzle still left on my table after the puzzle was peiced back. looks lyk i wont ever find out where that peice should be. see, a scare, a hole left there. my heart aint complete now.
i fit the heart between two objects, without the key peice. now one object is me, the other is him. what will happen if one of them moved away? lyk in real life? i moved one away. the heart once again was about to crash. but this time, in order for me not to waste tym "recovering" it again, i saved it in held it safely in my arms. is tis wat im doing rite now in real life?? controling my feelings so that i dont get hurt? i want to let go but i refused to put the key peice back into the heart. i dont know why, i juz dint want to do it. so i left it once more on my table between two objects and turned away.
then, i realised the key peice was missing, frantically, i went to look for it. finally, i found it. i felt so relieved lyk a burden was lifted. i looked at it. i put it infront of the heart, as if lyk a reminder to slot it in when i finally want to. for 10 whole mins, i stared at it. then, i juz walked away from the table.
i so want to let go of my heart and cry lyk ive nvr cried b4. i want to stop acting indifferent for the sake of my parents, frens and him. i want them to know im sad. im very very very sad. but i juz cnt doit. i want to flood everyone, everything in my way. wash it away. farenheit451 tells me tt fire is a wonderful ting, it detroys responsibilities, sadness, everything. well, water wins fire. i want as flood. a flood so big thateverything will be wiped away. washed away. leaving a pure white blank peice of paper to let me restart everything.
"so i was borned..." this would be my starting. yeap. the pheonix. burns itself up and reborns again. a new life. wow. if oni i cud do tt. but if i reali create a dreadful tsunami, i'll still be me, and oni a new chapter will be formed. tittled "a new begining, yet no end." could there be a start wifout an end? yes? no?
this is juz pathetic. very pathetic.omg im tearing. mayb cos my parents told me to stop whateva im doing nw n start studying. i refused. i want to do this. im hardly tt defiant. but no. i stand firm. tmr, tmr will be the day i restart. today, everything will be washed no more 100 pound tears crashing my heart anymore. no. nth is allowed to hurt me anymore. pls let my emotions flow..
tt is if i cn make myself cry. it would be a gud cry. a gud long cry in the middle of the nite. i wish i cn cry. damn, the tears dint come out agn... it juz went bac in. ouch... ouch... it hurts real bad.
so i dont know how to end this. im still waiting for him to contact me. wen he dint tell me the tym of the flight, i was sad, then crappy. i felt tt it was juz a pathetic excuse. then, i felt bad. excruxiating. he did it for me. but y dint he giv me a choice to do smth for him??
i want him to call me. my fone is still waiting. every sms n call i gt, i gt excited, oni to be disapointed once agn... s in wen i realised it my frens im nt tt disapointed juz, well sad... hw long does he want to keep me waiting?? waiting's nt gud. i stared at the stars yesterday...~
actualli i kinda find myself an easy going person. i dont ask for riches of the world, i dont ask all of attention (well, most of it but nt all), and i dont ask for much smarts. actualli come to think of it, all i wanted is juz people to treat me well. people to shower me with love.
im kind of a person who is kinda shortsighted (accidental pun..). i oni think of the day by it self. if sumone were to make me happy, it might juz make my dae and i would stay happy juz lyk tt. frens who know me would know this.. (i tink)
i also feel im someone who has moodswings very very often. if some one ignores me, i juz mite feel so sad i mite cry, yet if tt person turns around with a smile again, i would juz revert to my old happi self agn.. so to ppl whom i noe, if wen i tell you some of my feelings that may hurt u, its oni temporary lyk oni for tt instant, n in another instant, it wud b gone..
i noe some of past blogs may seem abit emo, n i said some tings which i may regret but i also realised that i dont regret stuff cos whateva i do, i noe its frm the bottom of my heart (at that moment at least)
havent actualli felt anth on sat. i was actualli quite numb. or was i acting numb. i noe im such a gud actor tt i sometymes decieve myself. no kid. been there done that. well on sat my mum paid serious attention to me. attending to my EVERY need. i tink she was worried tt i may break down. i acter cool. s if nth was happening. my eyes dint bleed but my heart cried. weird..
so 2 days after sat, todae, i was spending the whole nite playing songs over and over again. well love songs aver n aver n aver again. playing playing mistake, shit, restart... playing playing playing mistake, damn, restart. i realised that mistakes ive nvr make b4 started appearing one by one phrase by phrase. stupid fingers. my eyes stayed on the scores, on the notes, the cords, the melody..
then it shifted to the lyrics. mouth, shut up. my heart couldnt take it anymore. i nid to smhw clam that childish 15 years plus 1 month plus 19 days kid down. den i tot aint singing the answer to everything that happened before? so the mouth decided not to shut up anymore. the sound came out. wow, what a nice wrong move. juz a few seconds later, my mouth started to quaver and my cheeks became hot red and my nose stuffy n my eyes teary. so tt aint working. i cnt do tis. my mouth then slowly closed it freaking gap. and the tears randown bac inwards. it felt horrible. i tink tts why tears r meant to fall outwards.
i cn juz feel it. the 100 pounds tear drop rolled down the inside of my cheek and hit onto my heart. it cracked, weakened, unable to withstand anth else. but before it could recover, another 100 pounds tear drop hit it again. crashing my heart. the meteor shower of hot blazing tears dashed down upon that fragile pumping tingy. the glassbits shattered in to smaller glass bits, all prickly and dangerous. any one if them had the potential to cut an important vessel and end my life.
"its funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little peices" i finally understand what it means. hahas. i once bought a 3D puzzel. it was a heart. i made it long ago. and was able to undo n do it again. but ever since i met him, i was unable to undo it ever again, tt is until saturday. i dont understand why. its juz weird. there was this key puizzel piece that holds everything together but i was juz unable to take it out as it was locked in. but den on sat, it was juz so easy to take it out.
after removing the key piece, i saw the heart. i held it in my hands. this is my heart, that peice is him. what will happen if i stopped controling hw my heart should feel? i let go of the puzzle heart. almost immediately, the heart fell into peices all over my table. i picked up each piece and started to piece them together. slowly, the heart gained shape. then i found a broken piece of the puzzle still left on my table after the puzzle was peiced back. looks lyk i wont ever find out where that peice should be. see, a scare, a hole left there. my heart aint complete now.
i fit the heart between two objects, without the key peice. now one object is me, the other is him. what will happen if one of them moved away? lyk in real life? i moved one away. the heart once again was about to crash. but this time, in order for me not to waste tym "recovering" it again, i saved it in held it safely in my arms. is tis wat im doing rite now in real life?? controling my feelings so that i dont get hurt? i want to let go but i refused to put the key peice back into the heart. i dont know why, i juz dint want to do it. so i left it once more on my table between two objects and turned away.
then, i realised the key peice was missing, frantically, i went to look for it. finally, i found it. i felt so relieved lyk a burden was lifted. i looked at it. i put it infront of the heart, as if lyk a reminder to slot it in when i finally want to. for 10 whole mins, i stared at it. then, i juz walked away from the table.
i so want to let go of my heart and cry lyk ive nvr cried b4. i want to stop acting indifferent for the sake of my parents, frens and him. i want them to know im sad. im very very very sad. but i juz cnt doit. i want to flood everyone, everything in my way. wash it away. farenheit451 tells me tt fire is a wonderful ting, it detroys responsibilities, sadness, everything. well, water wins fire. i want as flood. a flood so big thateverything will be wiped away. washed away. leaving a pure white blank peice of paper to let me restart everything.
"so i was borned..." this would be my starting. yeap. the pheonix. burns itself up and reborns again. a new life. wow. if oni i cud do tt. but if i reali create a dreadful tsunami, i'll still be me, and oni a new chapter will be formed. tittled "a new begining, yet no end." could there be a start wifout an end? yes? no?
this is juz pathetic. very pathetic.omg im tearing. mayb cos my parents told me to stop whateva im doing nw n start studying. i refused. i want to do this. im hardly tt defiant. but no. i stand firm. tmr, tmr will be the day i restart. today, everything will be washed no more 100 pound tears crashing my heart anymore. no. nth is allowed to hurt me anymore. pls let my emotions flow..
tt is if i cn make myself cry. it would be a gud cry. a gud long cry in the middle of the nite. i wish i cn cry. damn, the tears dint come out agn... it juz went bac in. ouch... ouch... it hurts real bad.
so i dont know how to end this. im still waiting for him to contact me. wen he dint tell me the tym of the flight, i was sad, then crappy. i felt tt it was juz a pathetic excuse. then, i felt bad. excruxiating. he did it for me. but y dint he giv me a choice to do smth for him??
i want him to call me. my fone is still waiting. every sms n call i gt, i gt excited, oni to be disapointed once agn... s in wen i realised it my frens im nt tt disapointed juz, well sad... hw long does he want to keep me waiting?? waiting's nt gud. i stared at the stars yesterday...~
Friday, January 30, 2009
伤感 and 悲哀
ok. im officially noted as bored. tomorrow, from what i noe now, is the day when he has to go to china. feeling well kinda indifferent, tt is until im writing this. mayb bcos todae i kept myself so bz i cud nt afford the tym to tink about unhappy things lyk this. ok, so now im feeling down, deep deep deep down. funni, seein that im staying on the twelve floor of a fourteen floor flat.
hrmm. so this is the small scale of what im suppose to feel tmr? stressing on the suppose. well. im nt sure but i feel that we aint going anywhere anymore... as in, i miss him and all but it has been forever since he contacted me. is it that he is still grounded? or that he no longer feel it heated anymore. it seems to be cooling off juz too fast for my body to adjust. blehs.. thinking of bio. homeostasis... z.z"... owels. i dont know anymore. does he still miss me. does he still like me. does he still love me?
if those answers to the questions are yes-es, den why dont he contact me? cn a relationship reali sustain wifout conversations n communications?? i've always tot relationships r a two way ting. but nw, its nt even a one way its no way. cos im the type hu returns love yet dont initiate love.. haiz.. ytd, one of my frens came to my hse. we toked. n soon we reached tis subject. then he told me tt if one realli lyks another, one would go all out to contact the other. looks like grounded aint an excuse anymore.
so he hasnt contacted me yet. so i dont know whens the flight looks lyk i cnt see him for the last tym afterall. seems lyk its gona be a fone break up. well, we did agree on breakin b4 he leaves. i wonder if he is gona call me when he reaches china. i juz wonder.
owels. lets change the topic. today, there was this annoying guy. he is lyk getting on my nerves all the tym. i told him clearli tt we wont work out, yet he does not gt it. i try to ignore him, but he always sprints over n frowns n shouts at me for doing so. whats wrong with him?! 爱人而不被爱是伤感，但，被爱而不还爱是悲哀。 why am i both?
so guys wen r y'all gona contact me n go away frm me? u juz left me hangin...
hrmm. so this is the small scale of what im suppose to feel tmr? stressing on the suppose. well. im nt sure but i feel that we aint going anywhere anymore... as in, i miss him and all but it has been forever since he contacted me. is it that he is still grounded? or that he no longer feel it heated anymore. it seems to be cooling off juz too fast for my body to adjust. blehs.. thinking of bio. homeostasis... z.z"... owels. i dont know anymore. does he still miss me. does he still like me. does he still love me?
if those answers to the questions are yes-es, den why dont he contact me? cn a relationship reali sustain wifout conversations n communications?? i've always tot relationships r a two way ting. but nw, its nt even a one way its no way. cos im the type hu returns love yet dont initiate love.. haiz.. ytd, one of my frens came to my hse. we toked. n soon we reached tis subject. then he told me tt if one realli lyks another, one would go all out to contact the other. looks like grounded aint an excuse anymore.
so he hasnt contacted me yet. so i dont know whens the flight looks lyk i cnt see him for the last tym afterall. seems lyk its gona be a fone break up. well, we did agree on breakin b4 he leaves. i wonder if he is gona call me when he reaches china. i juz wonder.
owels. lets change the topic. today, there was this annoying guy. he is lyk getting on my nerves all the tym. i told him clearli tt we wont work out, yet he does not gt it. i try to ignore him, but he always sprints over n frowns n shouts at me for doing so. whats wrong with him?! 爱人而不被爱是伤感，但，被爱而不还爱是悲哀。 why am i both?
so guys wen r y'all gona contact me n go away frm me? u juz left me hangin...
its CNY
its CNY!! and today, it had been kinda an en-RICH-ing experience for me!! $**6. not as much as last few year but its still good since this year is the bad/horrible/crazy/terrible/unthinkable economy year. owels.. pays to have 15 aunts and uncles who did the s'por population a favour by producing more den 2 children each, who are also really big, thus most of dem r married, aka, more ang bao!! now i understand why i love the colour RED! to children, this RED day should be called Realli Exciting Day, and to adluts? Realli Expensive Day. but anws, i bet they all love this day too. giving is a pleasure. (but so is recieving) HAPPI CNY Y'ALL!!PS i tink the other gud ting bout tis CNY is tt one other sad ting has been driven way.. cheers to RED!
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