亲爱的朋友

亲爱的朋友，你的烦恼我很乐意去听。你的哭诉我很愿意聆听。你心想的，我知道。你所感觉的困扰，我明白。你因为有太多选择而不知该如何是好。选选自己吧，不必想太多。你也要坚定，别冲动，让事情顺其自然。所谓：船到桥头自然直。不须担心，你会渡过这一段时期的。

Wishing upon a partial lunar/solar eclipse

Closer. Good to know, wonderful to feel, awesome to be. :) cheers to that! Now I just want to go to bed and wish that by the time I wake up, all the application stuff magically finishes themselves. Adieu!!

Why I no go out with girls?

Oops you caught me. :X but anyway, today was at first kinda boring until my uncle came to visit and brought me out to lunch. Yummy yummy lunch. Hahas. He told me a lot of the good trait my daddy embodies which I've never even thought to look out for. I see admiration in his eyes and awe in mine. I also realized that we shared a lot in common, especially when it comes to music. Eye opener indeed! Hahas, but after he bailed, I was left stranded at lot1 without anything to do or anywhere to go. So I ended up home; after the all important purchasing of gong cha.

After laying for a significant amount of time, I decided to move my ass to Bryan's to relieve the boredom I attempted to subdue with lame jokes on my iPhone. We played guitar hero and band hero (whatever the difference). And I TOTALLY (was) KICKED (in the) BUTT!!! Heehee. Okok but then, fun as it may be, I still rather the conversation I had with nic whilst on the way home best. I finally know how the argument originated and I guess it, in some way, gave me closure. I'm glad we're still great friends. And maybe, just maybe, some walls will start to crumble.

Dear heart, say "ah"

I used to think that you were never going to open up. that you were some distant entity that i could not comprehend, or have the chance to do so. i always felt a barrier, self-made, to protect myself from the repetition of past occurrences. but today you did and i felt a connection; not in the love sense. it was comforting. in return, i told you some of what i could share but i still held back on some though i would have loved a listening ear.

you really opened my eyes today and brought me into another zone that i've never thought to think about. on the receiving end, i've never even thought about the amount of effort, time, thoughts and emotions the other party has to invest into this. for self-protection, i've never initiated. i see things i like in different people but i dont see a particular person i could potentially love. the wait seems too long and at times, annoying. but the pain of the wait, i've learnt, is a good exchange for the pain of forcing a relation, the pain of the breakup and the pain of the feeling of being single again. its easier to be single after being single for so long. you will feel withdrawal symptoms after a breakup.

i also saw what our minds are thinking of now. i no longer give myself excuses though i still use them to brush away the questions of others. im envious of others while others are envious of me. but i dont feel inferior. and you dont see how i see the rest; how i see myself; and how i see you...

The escaped puppet and the entrapped rat
I stare into the window and saw you,
little lab rat. You were in a little cage,
eating your food with your little hands.
You had no concern for the rest of the world;
you probably have never seen the world.
Cherish your ignorance and you’d probably
be famous like I was. My strings gave me rope
burns as the audience cheered whenever I
bowed unwillingly. Now I am just a runaway
puppet, wishing to be controlled once again.
Do not cut off your strings ever.
Decisions are hard and independence is not
worth what you experience in the outside world.

I see you staring at me through the window
and I am envious. Your strings were cut
and you could roam free by yourself.
You could choose to do anything in the world;
you probably could do everything in the world.
Cherish your freedom and you’d probably
never be manipulated like me. I’m fed good
food as the scientists cheered whenever I
succeeded unknowingly. Now I am just a trapped
pet, wishing to be free once again.
Peel open that sunflower seed and reveal the grain.
Compliance is hard and dependence is not
worth what you endure in confinement.

Eating

Eating
Your spit coated my face
just the way I like it.
Closing my eyes, I savor every moment.
A smirk. “Darling, I know what you ate for breakfast.”
Our traditional snake dance.
Slobber. More slobber. I love it.
There’s no awkwardness between us,
only heat from friction between our breaths
and heat from the frictionless relationship we share.
“You take my breath away, Honey.”
Our cooperation is seamless-
you follow my lead and I… “Dearie, more tongue.”
I love the taste of your lip gloss.
Strawberry is the sexiest chemical ever made-
a genius’s work that keeps me going and going and going.
and your perfume, your pheromone, my addiction.

I open my eyes to capture this magical frame:
the old man with the disapproving eyes;
the married couple with their green eyes;
and the children whose eyes were prohibited from such a sight.
That’s right. You are going to be traumatized tonight
and the next day and the next. That’s right. It shall consume
you like how she consumes me whole.


Inspired by my friends, Han Jun and Jeanette

You cant get your pigtails back

havent blogged for a long time. shall start off with this:


You cant get your pigtails back
The pigtails strutted across the hall alone.
A walking temptation.
She faced sneers from other girls,

putting her down. She felt inferior.
Yet, she fought the pressure with tears in her eyes
until she caved in one day and

the sneers stopped.
She bled and teared on the bed where
the boy, paid for his service, lay.

She lost her pigtails in the mess.
She strutted down the hall
with the other girls.

As she sneered at other pigtails,
she could sense them sneering back,
putting her down. She was superior but inferior.

With tears in her eyes,
she knew her innocence was gone forever
once the other girls penetrated her life.

facebook deactivation

i deactivated facebook. and so the mugging starts; profusely

Toy

Toy
I know I said no before,

it is still a no now.

I look at you, I don't adore

but confused about what why how.

You said you are good for me,

that I do not deny.

But I just cant seem to say yes, you see,

unless I'm sure you're the right guy.

This is against the feelings inside

but I'm conscious I'm flirting back.

I know the same feelings, you're trying to hide.

Self-control, evident, is what I lack.

I still don't feel the way you do,

maybe love for a little brother.

You're pretending you feel this too

when its obvious I'm no sister.

But let's continue this pretence.

It's much more amusing than I thought.

Yea, it's against all common sense

but it makes us both happy, does it not?

Okay, may be it's only me

cause it's flattering and a hell lot of fun.

And if you think its too high a fee,

I suggest you'd better run.

Friendly dedication

today had our graduation day. so im gonna write a few heartfelt words to my friends here. :)

Nandini

Oh woman, where do I start? You’re like my Catherine- always haunting, always everywhere, always screaming when we talk, and always doing some wave with your hands every time we sit on the bus. I know sometimes I don’t show you as much affection as Heathcliff or the bunch of Indian gang boys or the presumed rapist in Bishan, but you know I love you darling. You drive me insane mentally and exhaust me physically. Yet, you were always a willing outlet for emotions. I never seem to want to portray my emotions before, so be proud you’ve impacted me. Hahas. Hope we stay friends for a long long time because I won’t be satisfied till I get to witness you curbing your chilli addiction.

Wee Boon

Hey dearie. Do you know you are one phenomenal friend? You were always there when I needed you. You’d listen to all my sappy stories. You encourage when necessary and bitch with me unnecessarily. You willingly put yourself forth so that I can vent my anger. You feel my happiness and congratulate me. But mostly, you’d spend time logging in and out of facebook to help me gain weird stuff for country story. Hahas dearie, you’re wonderful. I miss our morning chats when we would converse about the well being of our crops and other random stuff, which are so random that I can’t remember them. I know we’ll always continue to keep in touch and I feel comfort in that fact. Hahas. Cheers to that! Stay awesome!

Mikhail

Hi Mikhail! Two words- onion rings! Hahas. My stomach and I will forever remember that; the way you made us starve, you evil evil little boy. Hahas. You were one hell of an emotional ride my dear boy, but I am nonetheless happy to have known you. Apart from malnutrition, I will always remember you and the Wednesdays when we talked about anything and everything that would make you much more than a little uncomfortable. You’re easy to talk to and a great person to go to if one needs to calm down. Got to say thanks for the amazing JC experience I’ve had. Gracias amigo!

Charity

You owe me money girl. You owe me loads and loads of money. Every time I donate money, I thought it was going for a good cause. Yet, find out now that they were all being transferred to your account! Hahas. Omg. Your jamming session in the choir store was uber fun fun fun fun. And that collaborating concert of ours is sooooo on, provided that you don’t give up half-ways because I suck too much. All the best in your pursue in music. (Jordy and) I give you (our) my full support!! *raise eyebrows* Hope to see you name in the papers soon and hope that by then, we’ll still be as close so that I could give the Mrs. Wuzun a phone call to congratulate her. Hahas. Stay groovy and remember to pay me back my money!

Ainiah

Guess a number I’m thinking of! Omg. I don’t know if you were lucky or unlucky hahas. But anyways, I’ll really miss you since school is now over. Ainiah darling, you’re my one and only true Girl Girl Relationship I have. It’s hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet, so don’t you dare lose me! Muahahahha. Lunch without you will never be the same again. Hahas. We have got to hang out again some other time after A’s girl. If you don’t I’ll break up with you! (I know I’ve said it many times, but I mean it this time)

Pallavi

Palls! You’re a terrific friend and I’ll miss you so much. Thanks you the listening ears and the occasional advice. You’ll make a great psychologist dearie. Thanks for empathizing always and explaining to me, time and again, about Indian traditions which I never seem to understand fully. Hahas. Remember to invite me to your wedding. And remember to prepare loads of yellow powder! I will be looking forward to that day. But till then, stay in touch and splendid all the time!

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

its been so long since i teared. and when i thought drama is a thing of a past, it always comes back to haunt me. just too many things in me and too little channels for me to open up. im leaking and oozing out sadness and injustice cause there's just an excess of it.

i dont want to go to sch. its funny to say such a thing like when i have only 2 more days left, excluding graduation day. but, nj have been fucking distressing these few days.

i guess it all started with academics. or maybe not. but then. studies has always been a source of stress no matter what. i recently heard my friend say that i made him "feel like a loser". his words, not mine. saying that i make him feel worse when i complain about my "good" grades. so i guess i shant talk about acads here. but just you know, i aint feeling too good being a 'bully'.

and of course, my weight. i know i've always put on weight when ever im stressed. i used to be sooo skinny. i know exams have always caused me to get abit thicker, but i always compensate after exams by thinning down by 2-3Kg every time. but as i grow, i feel a rising importance in results and i get more stressed. aka, more fat. its not good to know that i've put on 10Kg in just 6 years. thats alot of weight to put on in such a small amount of time. so i aint feeling as confident about my size as you think i am. so back off bitches, i dont need you to make me thinner or feel that im an fat ass pig. back off.

the last thing happened in sch today. and i guess its kinda the last straw. actually, maybe not. reciting what happened today, at home, was the final straw. the freaking asshole DM caught me for my skirt. and mind you, my skirt IS long. it freaking reaches my knee. my bag lifted my skirt, its not like i intentionally want to show off my ass to the sch population you fking bitch. its not like i could tell me bag

"hey, dont lift my skirt".

oh and did you know? senior teaches aint that clever. she told me she wants to take a picture of my skirt cause i told her in the face that

"this is short? this is not short".

so i took out my phone and passed it to her. i even pressed the button for her. all she had to do was click the image that looked like a camera. she just stood there for so long before coming back and asking

"i dont know how to use you phone".

so i clicked it for her. she said

"stand there. wait"

and she took forever to come back with the phone again

"i dont know how to take the picture"

so she took it. and thats how i knew my skirt was lifted by my bag cause when she took it again without my bag, it was long. LONG. fucking asshole.

so i said i was sorry and asked her what i was supposed to do. i didnt alter my skirt so i cant do anything. she wanted me to lengthen it (which is the same as altering it, which is against the sch rules btw). so i said

"ms phua, im sorry but i dont know what to do"

and she fking said

"dont argue with me or i'll lower your conduct grade"

wtf lah. i apologise to you then you come and say i argue. wts.

and then 2 mins later she came back to me and said

"see, after so long, you still nvr apologise to me"

and i knew i did, so i said

"but i just did"

and she walked away.

i should just pon sch tmr. fking bitch.

at home, i couldnt even tell my mom my entire story. she doesnt even listens to everything before making any judgements. ok, im the kind of girl who doesnt pon sch, lessons or even lectures. have never been caught for breaking any sch rules and most of the time, the teachers' pet. in secondary sch, i could work perfectly fine with the DM. i mean, i can work with like reasonable people and she, was no where near reasonable. hence, to think that im so stressed up that i dont want to even go to sch, dont you feel the anguish im going through??? if you can, can you use like so telepathic sensory thing to signal my mum?

she wants me to go buy a new skirt. like wth? only 2days of sch left and you want me buy a new skirt so that she can see? i mean like why should I be the one who admits my mistake. i wasn't even rude to her. i was being reasonable but she hears nth but her voice. she is the one who caught me wrongly. but she wouldnt admit her mistake. fuck off man. just fuck off my life.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

Move away from me.

Don't ask, just do,

for all the bruises, self-inflicted,

were instigated by you.

Do not get down on your knees

and beg forgiveness once again

and please do not insult me to the floor

screaming and wailing in pain.

No one has to go through agony.

You can leave with your head high.

But, do not patronise me, praise or pretend

that you were truthful for all your lies.

Your word gripping tightly onto my key

as i spotted, in your eye, a tear.

The locksmith approaches, tools and all.

My eye; your eye, a mirror.

i thought it was not possible

but i'm already dead inside.

Stupid Pig. Fat cow. Mute girl.

"Fuck off my life"